Hello, this is my story of the past year of my life... .
I first met "J" at a church gathering. We talked briefly that night but I could tell that she really liked me. I thought to myself, "If this girl messages me on Facebook then I know for sure she really likes me." Sure enough she did the next day. She told me how admiring my hope and dreams are and made me feel like I was something very special. We hit it off... .big time. Soon enough we were hanging out every day at coffee shops and having the time of our lives. However, mostly at like 3 or 4 in the morning I would get strange texts from her saying, "You don't have doubts do you? or I don't think I'm good enough for you?" This really caught me off guard. I would ask what happened to change her thinking but nothing happened. You could tell when I wasn't with her that something was pulling her away. I though that maybe she was being spiritually attacked at night or something. She was belemic too so I thought maybe that had something to do with it as well. So every single night I would pray with her and hold her hands and ask God to give her a good night sleep. Some enough, however, I knew that there was something more serious going on. I approached her parents and told them that I thought that "J" could have s serious problem and recommended that she see a doctor and get an assessment. I felt that they underminded the severity of the issue by saying "oh yes "J" has a few issues. What I was seeing was an uncontrollable force wrecking havoc on her life. She was very sweet and I wanted to help her so badly because I thought that maybe she was the one.
She finally got diagnosed with BPD and then suddenly everything made sense to me. I read all the best books and did my homework to such a degree that I doubt few people know more about this disease than me now. After the honeymoon period, our relationship was up and down. She was either super sweet to me and fun or neglectful, devaluing me for no apparent reason. As much as I knew the disorder this treatment still hurt very much. One day she would tell me that she loves me and the next day she would say she has no feelings for me. It was clear that this emotional roller coaster could not be stopped and I would often be the victim of neglect and hatred no matter how I teated her. One day she would tell me that its heaven being with me, that she is blessed to be with me, and that I am the most amazing boyfriend in the world. The next day I wouldn't hear from her. She would say that she is done with the relationship, and blame and critisize me for the dysfunction in the relationship, and all the while I would consistently treat her like gold. Sometimes I doubted how good I would treat her so I would ask my friends and they would all say that I treat her so good... .too good sometimes.
The hardest part of the relationship is when I lost the trust and support of the parents. Somehow she got them on "her side" and made them believe that I was part of the problem. She would take things that I say and reword them and use it to manipulate them. This was a lethal blow and probably the first step in losing her.
I remember that it got so bad for a while that I became scared of my phone when I got a notification. Would it be a sweet message or would it be a hateful one? I never knew what I would get from one day to the next. I fought through it because I still do love her and saw a ton of potential in her. I constantly encouraged her to go on meds and get therapy but her ability to stay committed to getting help or making and keeping commitments was very minimal. She does go to the hospital every week and counciling too which is great but I'm not sure it has done much... .but enough to make me not give up hope that she would get well. The whole thing has been devastating to me. I have never loved someone so much and invested so much into a person and haven't got much in return. Sometimes I get glimmers of hope when she is doing well. She hugs me, tells me she loves me, and says that when she acts crazy its no the real her. These moments give me hope and encourage me to continue pursuing her.
The bad times have been really bad. She has sworn at me for no reason at all, hit me in public, ran away from me, told me she has talked to other guys behind my back, 4 times accused me of cheating on her when I haven't even talked to a single girl since we met, behaved suicidal, taken too many pills, became incredibly drink to the point she barfed all over my house, told me that just my existence is enough to upset her, lied to her family and friends about me, accused me of lying to her family when I never have even once, neglected me without any cause whatsoever, told me she didn't love me because I stained my table in a colour that wasn't her preference, lost my dog and got mad at me for it, wanted to break up with me numerous times for no reason at all, told me to f off over 20 times over text messages for no reason while I was having thanksgiving dinner with my friends, and many many more similar incidents.
A person can't go through this stuff without feeling extremely hurt. Yet the pain and hurt is never acknowledged. The love you pour into the person is never appreciated. This really messes with a persons head. You start to believe that you are defective and maybe it is your fault. I now know that is not true. I have zero feelings of guilt, just feelings of confusion, anger, and pain. I mean I'm far from a perfect person but I know for sure that I never deserved this kind of treatment.
We are now broken up. The last straw for me was the whole thanksgiving thing. Being sworn at for no reason at all multiple times and in between getting begged to come see her was just too much for me... .oh ya and replying to me "Just your existence is enough" after asking her what I have done to upset her was one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to process this stuff. I don't know if I should hope that she will get well. I don't know if I have the strength to say no once she starts coming back into my life once again... .which seems to be a habit for her.
You might be thinking why I don't just run for the hills right? It's because she is precious to me. I love her deeply and the girl that lies behind this disorder is the sweetest girl I have eve met. We have had the best times ever together and share memories that I will cherish for the rest of my life. I wish I could just do something to help her. I would go to the moon and back for her wellness. When this stuff isn't affecting her she is exactly the person I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
I have been told by many phycologists that being in a healthy relationship with someone with BPD is next to impossible. That being said, maybe I am just wasting my time and I have to let go of this girl that I love so much... .
Thanks for listening to my story
