Setback, or a reset...

[oceanyc]

So for the past few days I have made a concerted effort to not look at her Facebook. I received a text tonight from a mutual friend, but one she barely speaks to. It was a picture of her and the new guy, dressed in costumes with her wishing herself a happy birthday and saying she got herself a boyfriend. My friend found the post to be sad and embarrassing and had no malicious intent whatsoever. I then went down the rabbit hole and saw they had made it "facebook official". Not that it matters, but it appears he is one who initiated the status change... .

I feel like i was doing well, and while not devastated it definitely feels like at the very least, a large setback

[rfriesen]

I feel like i was doing well, and while not devastated it definitely feels like at the very least, a large setback

Hi oceanyc. Yes, hearing about (and certainly seeing) an ex with a new partner can bring up a lot of emotions and take some time to absorb.

The process of recovering from these relationships typically involves many setbacks, large and small. Since they're inevitable, the most productive way to approach them is to see them as a chance to check-in with your progress, to explore the feelings it brings up, and to see how quickly you're able to regain your sense of balance and perspective.

Can you say a little more about the feelings this has brought up and in what sense you feel it's a setback?

[oceanyc]

Well, I was getting away from checking her facebook. I knew today was her bday and that something like this was most likely going to happen today so i made an effort to avoid it all. I guess i just dont really understand such public facebook displays of a relationship with someone who you have barely known a month

[rfriesen]

I guess i just dont really understand such public facebook displays of a relationship with someone who you have barely known a month

Certainly a valid point. But facebook is a forum that encourages such public displays, almost by definition. So what is it that you want to understand, or feel compelled to think about, when it comes to your ex? On a surface level, of course, we can all relate to being curious about how an ex is getting along, whether they're experience the same break-up feelings and recovery as us, etc. But it can be helpful to push a little deeper and ask yourself what you're hoping to see, or what you fear, when you look at her facebook page. Do you hope to see some sign that she's having a hard time moving on? Or hoping to confirm some negative thoughts about her to help you move on?

It's very easy to fall into ruminating about what an ex is thinking, or feeling, or to fall into trying to understand why she would make such public displays, etc etc. When you catch yourself doing that, are you able to turn your focus back on yourself somewhat and ask why you're thinking and feeling the things you are? At this stage, I think you'll find it much more helpful to work at understanding your own thoughts and feelings than ruminating about hers.

[oceanyc]

Well, it wasn't that I fell back into it. I was fine not checking it or seeing what was going on. I had a feeling it would probably happen given the whole birthday emotions/high and her inability to be alone for more than few weeks. I didn't go looking for it, it was sent to me as a screenshot by a friend who thought it was sad and embarrassing for her.

When we stopped communicating it was my choice. She wanted to "be friends" because I was "her person", no one knew her like I did etc. I stopped communication because after telling me how she didn't want to date for awhile and needed time, she was on a dating site 2 days later and dating this guy a few days after that. So barely a month later its not shocking to see this given her pattern, it's just disappointing and odd. Disappointing that she didn't take any time to work on herself, and odd that it's such a public thing.

And thats really where my thoughts are; the public nature of it. I wonder if it lends more credibility to the relationship? Does it make it more likely to succeed? Does it means he's actually in love and doesnt mind being so public about it because he's "the one" who can endure it? Those are what my ruminations are like

[C.Stein]

I feel like i was doing well, and while not devastated it definitely feels like at the very least, a large setback

It will feel like that for a while and it does feel like you got setback.  When it was revealed to me that I had been replaced (which also revealed an almost certain affair) my whole world imploded.  All the emotions I had been suppressing for more than a year came back in an instant.  It took me a long time to become even semi-functional after that.

Hang in there.  You are still moving away from it all and healing.  There will be setbacks, but the important thing is you are still making progress with your healing.

And thats really where my thoughts are; the public nature of it. I wonder if it lends more credibility to the relationship? Does it make it more likely to succeed? Does it means he's actually in love and doesnt mind being so public about it because he's "the one" who can endure it? Those are what my ruminations are like

How can FB lend more credibility to a relationship?  It is a picture of a single tiny moment in time on a website that caters to the immature, nothing more.  Some people use FB to portray a life they want everyone to believe they have.  It is certainly not a reflection of reality.  If you see FB for what it is, these types of questions will not be an issue anymore.  

[oceanyc]

@C.Stein

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I suppose what i meant about credibility is that as someone who doesnt use FB a ton, changing my relationship status would mean I'm extremely confident in the strength of the relationship. It's certainly not something I would do in the middle of being at a Halloween party. Posting a pic of the 2 of us right after being tagged in a relationship status change and wishing myself happy birthday and stating i got myself a bf isnt something that would even cross my mind.

It's just strange, seems immature, seems like its more of trying to convince herself and others rather than an organic and genuine display, and I don't know if I'm thinking that because I'm biased, or because its true... .

[C.Stein]

It's certainly not something I would do in the middle of being at a Halloween party.

I highlighted the important part.   

[Rayban]

Doing it in the middle of a Halloween party, wishing HERSELF a happy birthday, congratulating herself for getting a "boyfriend". Seems to me that she reacted to the impulse of the moment, with narcissistic flair, fishing for birthday wishes from others, while objectifying her bf, by saying she got one, like she would get a new purse.

I could relate that seeing them with the replacement is like a punch to the gut.  What helped me is knowing that she isn't  your problem anymore. I'm guessing she didn't publicize your relationship with her on FB like she did with the new guy. I wouldn't read too much into that. Untreated, she will repeat the same patterns in her relationships.  Question is how long will he hang in there.

[oceanyc]

@Rayban

Logically I know all of this, but having gone down the rabbit hole last night and seeing all the posts from people telling them how great they look together, his friends telling her they love her and her saying "we love you too"... .eh. Just feels weird. They're all 6 or so years younger than her, in their middish 20's, and she's a 33 year old single mom. Well, i guess not single anymore.

It seems like she's integrated herself into his life completely and its just... .weird.

[Rayban]

These people have known her for a month. She's absolutely integrated herself into their lives cause she is idolizing the new guy aswell as mirroring him.  She has an unstable sense of self. My ex is also in her early thirties, and still goes to clubs and music festivals geared to people in their early twenties. She is also capable of integrating and transforming herself to fit in with whoever she's idolizing. 

[oceanyc]

So the publicness(probably not a word) of it is a negative? The odd thing is he seems to be the one continuously posting pictures of them together. he also seems to be the one who initiated the relationship status change.

sigh.

[Rayban]

So the publicness(probably not a word) of it is a negative? The odd thing is he seems to be the one continuously posting pictures of them together. he also seems to be the one who initiated the relationship status change.

sigh.

Well there you go Facebook seems to be important to him so it becomes important to your ex. That's what I meant  by mirroring. I wouldn't try reading too much into what's negative or positive.  This could change within moments for a person with BPD depending on the feeling she has.

Also try to think back on what the first month was with you.  He's feeling the same thing. Euphoria at having found the one. Their relationship might well workout, but it shouldn't matter if you accept deep down inside that this person was not right for you.

[oceanyc]

I guess what makes it so difficult is the stuff that makes it so difficult for everyone else. The "your my person" stuff, the no one knows me like you, her reminiscing about the best date of her life with me weeks prior to the beginning of this new relationship.

The difference, and maybe why its hard for me to relate to what this guy is feeling, is that our relationship didnt follow the ones that her others did. We were friends first. I made sure that when we first started hanging out nothing happened when I spent the night at her house. She had just broken up with someone and I knew she wasnt ready. Then the death of her ex's son, then her cancer. The euphoria came at the end when she finally revealed how she felt about me which she said was unexpected. She also supposedly told the guy she dated after me that even though her and I werent talking, we'd always be part of each other's lives.

I'm dsiappointed she is continuing her pattern and I guess feel bad that I couldnt break her of it.

[myself]

He may have as many, or more, 'problems' as she has.
Sounds like they're both jumping into the deep end... .

Them wearing costumes, well, eventually the 'masks' come off.

I'm disappointed she is continuing her pattern and I guess feel bad that I couldn't break her of it.

It's really up to her (and any of us, for ourselves) to change the patterns.
Do you feel you did your best, when together, to be a friend and partner?

[oceanyc]

I feel I could have done better. I had my own insecurities in the beginning that made our friendship and path to being more than that harder than it needed to be. The fact that we worked through them and pursued more despite those issues made me feel as if she was ready.

Is it possible that the constant FB posting is a way of her trying to convince herself?

[C.Stein]

Is it possible that the constant FB posting is a way of her trying to convince herself?

Yes it is possible.  It is also possible she is trying to construct a reality through FB that isn't real in practice.  Isn't that what FB is all about?

I know it is hard to deal with this.  It still hurts (a lot) to think of my ex doing and saying the same things to my replacement as she did me.  Thing I also know though ... .it wasn't real.  The things she told me were not real in the sense they were not sustainable.  She might have felt the same in that moment, but that feeling is not, nor will it ever be, sustainable.

[oceanyc]

@C.Stein

I admittedly do not understand the FB obsession. I have one and I limit it to funny/sarcastic comments and interaction with actual friends. So, it's difficult to comprehend how someones mother could post that she wishes she could meet her son's brand new girlfriend and son. Something like that is so weird to me that if it was directed at me I'd feel obligated to respond in a kind way while thinking something else entirely.

I think the shock of it being texted to me when I was actively trying to avoid looking this past weekend is what hit hard.

[lovenature]

Facebook or "fakebook"? Many members have said they needed to stay away from social media to detach; always remember how your relationship went in reality, and if your ex. does have BPD or traits of the disorder it will continue with your replacement.

Focusing on you and maintaining NC with your ex. are the best ways to get out of the FOG and move towards a better future.

[oceanyc]

I think the "if: is what has me a little unsure of the whole thing. I posted my story detailing my experience with her and didn't get much int he way of feedback. It was admittedly very long but I think as much detail as possible was important to painting a clear picture.

Everyone I have discussed this situation with has the same general reaction. She jumped into a new relationship too quickly, it will end soon, and when it does it won't go well. I go back and forth between agreeing whole heartedly and doubting it.