BPD live in boyfriend broke up with me

[tammym1972]

Hi

I'm new here and I need guidance or support. I am a 44 year old female and I've been with my 39 year old BPD boyfriend for almost 4 years and we've been living together for 3 1/2.

He is undiagnosed but he has all the classic symptoms of BPD. He scored extremely high on the "BPD tests online" During the last couple of months he's started pulling away and comparing me to his ex fiance. How great the sex was and how they had so much in common, which is weird because when we first started dating she was a horrible person he said and they had little in common. He says he feels trapped and now he has been having high blood pressure issues that he has contributed to me.

Over the last couple years he has been finding fault in just about everything I do, and I feel like I just can't win. Now I'm hearing all the wonderful traits of his ex fiance and even ex wife whom he detests.

Finally today he sat me down and says he just needs a break for right now, that the relationship has been too stressful for him. I'm going to continue living here until at least after the first. So I think it will be pretty much the same minus the sex. He says he may date again and may not.

So I guess I need to know what to expect next. He said we might get back together in the future. Anyway I hope I'm not rambling too much and thank you for reading.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[obliv326]

Trust me, as someone who has posted here a few times, you are absolutely not rambling. I think you've take a good first step by coming here. You'll find lots of useful information that can really be valuable in helping you learn to deal with the situation.

I think what I've heard most, and what seems to be helpful, is to work on yourself first. You have no way of knowing exactly what he'll do, but you an improve and prepare yourself to be the person you want to be. I know this sounds a bit evasive but I think most people will tell you that this is probably the very most important thing you can do.

I would also encourage you to read some of the material that pertains to your situation. Learning how to deal with the abuse you've been taking is important. I had a rough interaction recently, and while I did my best not to react emotionally to the PwBPD, inside I was heartbroken. I broke down on the phone with a friend and was crushed by what happened for a few days. Some answers here helped, but it is very easy to take the words of a loved one to heart, and the sooner you learn not to do that the better off you will be.

I would say the best thing to do, at least in my experience, is to give him space if he wants it. Try to focus on yourself. If he is blaming you for high blood pressure, he has already painted you black, and there isn't much you can do to change that. So learn some of the coping tools, and try to give him what he is asking for in terms of space without making your own life too difficult. Forcing him to deal with you will only make him upset... .In my experience anyway

Best of luck. I hope you get through this as painlessly as possible

[tammym1972]

Thank you! I have been reading a lot of information on BPD and learning a lot. Thank you so much for the good advice.

By giving him his space what do you mean? He is terrified about being alone. We still live together, broke up only yesterday. And he wants me to still live here to take care of housework and kids.

Should I move out right away? If I do he will probably never talk to me again and accuse me of abandoning him. He says we didn't spend enough time together anyway.

[obliv326]

Hey

I would say that, if you are together and kids are involved, then maybe work on validation and ways to de-escalate conflict when it happens. Use those tools when he starts to dysregulate and comes after you.

And maybe work on drawing boundaries and how to enforce those. If leaving would cause problems for everyone, then do what you can to be able to work with the situation and make it liveable for yourself and everyone else.

[Fie]

Hello  

I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Living with someone with BPD is terribly difficult. It for sure has taken a huge toll on you.
On top of that he wants time for himself, and you are obviously thinking about how to learn about BPD/how to navigate around him to not hurt his feelings / not to trigger his abandonment fears.

However, have you thought about yourself ? I think this is one of the main things Obliv meant when saying you could work on yourself first. Most of the people who grew up with BPD / who are in a relationship with BPD are I believe codependent. We are often people pleasers, who put others first.

Question is, why do we do that ? Probably a lot of us grew up in dysfunctional families, often also with BPD involved (like in my case). We were taught to cater to other people's needs.
We can start to work on ourselves by starting to draw boundaries. We can start to tell people that certain behavior is not ok for us (anymore). Like this we can teach our children how to become healthy adults, and break the generational cycle of being codependent.
There is a lot of useful information on this site on codependency. It's quite a task to start with, as often we were never taught that we actually can have boundaries. So we don't even know which boundaries we have. Subconsciously I think often we even think we shouldn't have them.

Please take good care of yourself. You are the most important person in your life.

You are not alone. Please keep posting when things are difficult.

xx

[tammym1972]

Hey

I would say that, if you are together and kids are involved, then maybe work on validation and ways to de-escalate conflict when it happens. Use those tools when he starts to dysregulate and comes after you.

And maybe work on drawing boundaries and how to enforce those. If leaving would cause problems for everyone, then do what you can to be able to work with the situation and make it liveable for yourself and everyone else.

Hi. The kids aren't actual mine. They are his from a previous marriage. They are like mine though when I am here. He basically ignores them and I am the one that takes care of them.

I'm just taking it one day at a time. He is gone all day and only comes home to get ready for work.

[tammym1972]

However, have you thought about yourself ? I think this is one of the main things Obliv meant when saying you could work on yourself first. Most of the people who grew up with BPD / who are in a relationship with BPD are I believe codependent. We are often people pleasers, who put others first.

I believe I am codependent too and I attract BPD men like flies. Looking back at past relationships a lot of them had the same issues. I've always needed a man to make me feel whole and I know that is not right. I'm working on getting involved in other interests now and getting out into the community.

[tammym1972]

Hey

I would say that, if you are together and kids are involved, then maybe work on validation and ways to de-escalate conflict when it happens. Use those tools when he starts to dysregulate and comes after you.

And maybe work on drawing boundaries and how to enforce those. If leaving would cause problems for everyone, then do what you can to be able to work with the situation and make it liveable for yourself and everyone else.

The kids aren't mine. They are his from a previous marriage, though I feel like they are mine. He mainly ignores them. I'm sating in his house but he is mainly gone at hers now anyway.