A potted history - One important question

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, my name is Mal.

It seems like the BPD site encourages you to open up a little before being able to view anything, so here goes…. This is a very potted history, focusing mainly on my current position

I have been in (and out of and back n…) a relationship with a BPD partner, since 2005. We’ve been back together this time since 2011 after spending 4 years apart in other relationships (one each).

It happened about 6 weeks ago. We were in the process of planning  a new life in another part of the country, following some hard times that we had both been through resulting in me being diagnosed with burnout, emotional exhaustion & depression. I started treatment in 2014.

It was during my own treatment that I learned that my partner had what seemed like BPD. In the following months, it became clearer and clearer how my own vulnerabilities were enabling my partner, so I had to make some changes.

We agreed on the move as it is something we always talked about in the 5 years since we have been back together.  We always holiday in this part of the world  and have been looking increasingly seriously for the last 2 or 3 years. The idea of moving to the coast with a nice home close to the beach and enough money in the bank to be pretty comfortable seemed sensible. The part of the UK in which we live is like a rat race, the industry in which I work struggling and my partner (now ex) runs her own business which is transferrable.

So, in July, we sold my house (‘our’ home, the one we chose when we got back together in 2011) and put an offer on a new house. It wasn’t accepted but we knew that it was only a matter of time due to the owners needing to move.

To cut a long story short (and there are many elements to it… but in the interests of getting this post up I won’t go too deep…) six weeks later, she decides that we should just be friends because she “…treats me like ___…” and it’s not fair on me. “…In fact I treat all guys like ___ so perhaps she’s not supposed to be with them…”. Then announced she wanted to start relationships with women.  (!)

Needless to say she already had one lined up and ready to start seeing (but that’s a common theme in her life… Already has a new interest ready to go before leaving)

Initially she wanted to stay living with me and “… we could both see who we wanted…”

I said that wasn’t acceptable. If she wanted to be with me she should be with me and if she wanted something else she should go.
So, she took a visit to her new interest a week later and said she’s interested so we’re going to start a relationship anyway.

It was clear from the content of a letter that I had written to her that if she was to be with anyone else, she had to leave. Two weeks later she moved out.

OK, so I hear everyone thinking Well good, you get your life back then!
But I have learned to my despair that it’s not that simple….

I’m still seeing my psychotherapist who says I’m doing extremely well so far
I’m keeping busy, seeing friends, doing exercise (perhaps a little too much… too soon…)
Work is going OK, and I’m largely focussed on me, rather than on the relationship and the reasons for its failure, but….

My friends can’t be there all the time and I’m spending a lot of the weekends on my own. It gives me too much time to think.

I’m not thinking “when will she be back?”… “How am I going to help?”, “I’m so lost without her I’ll never survive”.
No I’m thinking “I’m sad, I’m terribly hurt and I’m bloody angry!”

Now I am more aware of myself and my own flaws (which are a terrible sense of not being good enough and a significant Knight in Shining Armour syndrome, learned from being bullied at school and following the examples of unconditional love shown by my dear Mum)  I see completely how this relationship (and other like it) came to be and never lasted.

[Looking back I realised that I we met about 3 months after my Mum passed away. I was evidently vulnerable…]

I take my share of the responsibility for the mechanisms that brought us together and kept me there for her repeated return (it happened 3 times in all) when I should perhaps have been a little more ‘aware’, but I’m really struggling to come to terms with the fact that on this occasion, my ex  was leading me to believe that we had a new future together right up to the very minute she announced that she wanted to start seeing women! Only the week before she’d said how glad she was that I was in her life, providing the stability she needed, that I was her family, her best friend, her rock.

Then boom!

It occurred to me in an instant that she’d been planning this in the background for some time, just like the other times she’d been planning it and left for something else straight away! Just like the time she left another guy she’d been with for 4 years and lined me up before she left him!
Never saw what had happened…. Until now!

Her pattern is clear as a bell. Had I been going around with my eyes closed?
Well no, she’s an expert at manipulation, getting to know your weaknesses and desires, building sexual tension and painting an altogether plausible scenario.
Then of course keeping people away from each other so they can’t put the pieces together!

I could rattle on for ages about the details but there is no real value right now. So what are these things I’m feeling?

The Sadness;

I had the rest of my life planned. I love this girl like I’ve never loved anyone else. I know she has issues and indeed she has taken some low intensity CBT (for OCD….) which did help for a while.
And now it’s gone. And this time I know it’s for good because I can’t do it to myself again.
Besides, this time she’s bombed the bridges to pieces with the level of boundary pushing she’s resorted to.

I’m sad for my ex, that she’ll be living in this eternal hell not being able to escape from her own ravaging insecurity and eternal fear of abandonment.

The Hurt;

Is self-explanatory.  Ending a conventional relationship is bad enough, but this is a level deeper. Particularly when I know in my own heart and mind that this time it’s pretty terminal.
I know she’ll be back one day. Every one of our mutual friends,  well, they used to be mutual friends, she’s stated she has no desire to be in touch with anyone who is in touch with me, has said it’s only a matter of time when it’s not going the way she wants, she’ll come knocking.

I know it’ll hurt to tell her that I can’t be there for her when really deep down, I do. But I can’t. I mustn’t! I know she’ll feel abandoned and there’s no telling where that might lead.

I’m hurt because I kind of know deep down that what I thought we had was, in reality, probably never really there. It was all a figment of my mind being reinforced by a very clever style of manipulation.

The Anger;

I’m angry with my ex for being so despicably deceitful by leading me on, not just this time, but so many times. I’m angry with the absolutely callous way she’s treated me on so many occasions. No compassion, no empathy, just giving me the third degree if anything impacts her expected way of life!

I’m angry with myself for letting it happen.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust anyone in the future or even trust myself to make a good judgement.

I’ve read many times already that with BPD relationships ending, you get no closure.
I can understand that. This stuff ruminates over and over with no signs of it abating.

I can’t see myself ever not loving her, though I don’t know that I’ll ever like or trust her again. (that sounds like a contradiction… but we’re talking BPD after all!)
After all I know it’s not her fault and I know she’s in pain too.
I know I can’t fix it. I know right now, she can’t either.

It makes me terribly sad. I know I’m a big softie.

For crying out loud, many years ago when my first real love was looking for a chinchilla, she found one that was being sold by a complete mercenary who had several in really awful conditions. He was trying to breed them (without success not surprisingly). I couldn’t face taking one and leaving the others in such distress…. So I bought all fourteen…...

I guess the real question is, how does anyone learn to come to terms with the fallout with no closure and remain strong enough when faced with the inevitable return one day to do the right thing?

M

[Minimal500]

Hi, my name is Mal.

It seems like the BPD site encourages you to open up a little before being able to view anything, so here goes…. This is a very potted history, focusing mainly on my current position

I have been in (and out of and back n…) a relationship with a BPD partner, since 2005. We’ve been back together this time since 2011 after spending 4 years apart in other relationships (one each).

It happened about 6 weeks ago. We were in the process of planning  a new life in another part of the country, following some hard times that we had both been through resulting in me being diagnosed with burnout, emotional exhaustion & depression. I started treatment in 2014.

It was during my own treatment that I learned that my partner had what seemed like BPD. In the following months, it became clearer and clearer how my own vulnerabilities were enabling my partner, so I had to make some changes.

We agreed on the move as it is something we always talked about in the 5 years since we have been back together.  We always holiday in this part of the world  and have been looking increasingly seriously for the last 2 or 3 years. The idea of moving to the coast with a nice home close to the beach and enough money in the bank to be pretty comfortable seemed sensible. The part of the UK in which we live is like a rat race, the industry in which I work struggling and my partner (now ex) runs her own business which is transferrable.

So, in July, we sold my house (‘our’ home, the one we chose when we got back together in 2011) and put an offer on a new house. It wasn’t accepted but we knew that it was only a matter of time due to the owners needing to move.

To cut a long story short (and there are many elements to it… but in the interests of getting this post up I won’t go too deep…) six weeks later, she decides that we should just be friends because she “…treats me like ___…” and it’s not fair on me. “…In fact I treat all guys like ___ so perhaps she’s not supposed to be with them…”. Then announced she wanted to start relationships with women.  (!)

Needless to say she already had one lined up and ready to start seeing (but that’s a common theme in her life… Already has a new interest ready to go before leaving)

Initially she wanted to stay living with me and “… we could both see who we wanted…”

I said that wasn’t acceptable. If she wanted to be with me she should be with me and if she wanted something else she should go.
So, she took a visit to her new interest a week later and said she’s interested so we’re going to start a relationship anyway.

It was clear from the content of a letter that I had written to her that if she was to be with anyone else, she had to leave. Two weeks later she moved out.

OK, so I hear everyone thinking Well good, you get your life back then!
But I have learned to my despair that it’s not that simple….

I’m still seeing my psychotherapist who says I’m doing extremely well so far
I’m keeping busy, seeing friends, doing exercise (perhaps a little too much… too soon…)
Work is going OK, and I’m largely focussed on me, rather than on the relationship and the reasons for its failure, but….

My friends can’t be there all the time and I’m spending a lot of the weekends on my own. It gives me too much time to think.

I’m not thinking “when will she be back?”… “How am I going to help?”, “I’m so lost without her I’ll never survive”.
No I’m thinking “I’m sad, I’m terribly hurt and I’m bloody angry!”

Now I am more aware of myself and my own flaws (which are a terrible sense of not being good enough and a significant Knight in Shining Armour syndrome, learned from being bullied at school and following the examples of unconditional love shown by my dear Mum)  I see completely how this relationship (and other like it) came to be and never lasted.

[Looking back I realised that I we met about 3 months after my Mum passed away. I was evidently vulnerable…]

I take my share of the responsibility for the mechanisms that brought us together and kept me there for her repeated return (it happened 3 times in all) when I should perhaps have been a little more ‘aware’, but I’m really struggling to come to terms with the fact that on this occasion, my ex  was leading me to believe that we had a new future together right up to the very minute she announced that she wanted to start seeing women! Only the week before she’d said how glad she was that I was in her life, providing the stability she needed, that I was her family, her best friend, her rock.

Then boom!

It occurred to me in an instant that she’d been planning this in the background for some time, just like the other times she’d been planning it and left for something else straight away! Just like the time she left another guy she’d been with for 4 years and lined me up before she left him!
Never saw what had happened…. Until now!

Her pattern is clear as a bell. Had I been going around with my eyes closed?
Well no, she’s an expert at manipulation, getting to know your weaknesses and desires, building sexual tension and painting an altogether plausible scenario.
Then of course keeping people away from each other so they can’t put the pieces together!

I could rattle on for ages about the details but there is no real value right now. So what are these things I’m feeling?

The Sadness;

I had the rest of my life planned. I love this girl like I’ve never loved anyone else. I know she has issues and indeed she has taken some low intensity CBT (for OCD….) which did help for a while.
And now it’s gone. And this time I know it’s for good because I can’t do it to myself again.
Besides, this time she’s bombed the bridges to pieces with the level of boundary pushing she’s resorted to.

I’m sad for my ex, that she’ll be living in this eternal hell not being able to escape from her own ravaging insecurity and eternal fear of abandonment.

The Hurt;

Is self-explanatory.  Ending a conventional relationship is bad enough, but this is a level deeper. Particularly when I know in my own heart and mind that this time it’s pretty terminal.
I know she’ll be back one day. Every one of our mutual friends,  well, they used to be mutual friends, she’s stated she has no desire to be in touch with anyone who is in touch with me, has said it’s only a matter of time when it’s not going the way she wants, she’ll come knocking.

I know it’ll hurt to tell her that I can’t be there for her when really deep down, I do. But I can’t. I mustn’t! I know she’ll feel abandoned and there’s no telling where that might lead.

I’m hurt because I kind of know deep down that what I thought we had was, in reality, probably never really there. It was all a figment of my mind being reinforced by a very clever style of manipulation.

The Anger;

I’m angry with my ex for being so despicably deceitful by leading me on, not just this time, but so many times. I’m angry with the absolutely callous way she’s treated me on so many occasions. No compassion, no empathy, just giving me the third degree if anything impacts her expected way of life!

I’m angry with myself for letting it happen.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust anyone in the future or even trust myself to make a good judgement.

I’ve read many times already that with BPD relationships ending, you get no closure.
I can understand that. This stuff ruminates over and over with no signs of it abating.

I can’t see myself ever not loving her, though I don’t know that I’ll ever like or trust her again. (that sounds like a contradiction… but we’re talking BPD after all!)
After all I know it’s not her fault and I know she’s in pain too.
I know I can’t fix it. I know right now, she can’t either.

It makes me terribly sad. I know I’m a big softie.

For crying out loud, many years ago when my first real love was looking for a chinchilla, she found one that was being sold by a complete mercenary who had several in really awful conditions. He was trying to breed them (without success not surprisingly). I couldn’t face taking one and leaving the others in such distress…. So I bought all fourteen…...

I guess the real question is, how does anyone learn to come to terms with the fallout with no closure and remain strong enough when faced with the inevitable return one day to do the right thing?

M

[rfriesen]

Hi Mal 

Welcome to the family I'm sorry it's under such miserable circumstances, but you've come to the right place. It sounds like you've endured many years of the emotional rollercoaster -- some incredible highs, and some terrible lows. It also sounds like you now want to detach and recover from it all. That can be a very painful process, but it will certainly get better with time. You're doing all the right things -- speaking with a therapist, exercising, focusing on your own life, and learning about the dynamics that played out in your relationship, including your role in it. That's a lot to handle all at once, while your heart and mind are still ruminating all that's been! Be sure to give yourself the time you need -- patience and compassion with yourself above all.

I’m still seeing my psychotherapist who says I’m doing extremely well so far

Wonderful. The confusion and pain coming out of these relationships is extremely disorienting. Personally, I had always struggled with trusting others' advice for my own life. But after the relationship that brought me here, I allowed myself to trust my therapist and to lean on her advice and try whatever techniques she suggested. Not to blindly follow her recommendations, but to trust her enough to try what she said, to listen to her, and to give myself time (plenty of time!) to evaluate the change for myself. I commend you for seeing a therapist and I would just say again -- time, patience, compassion ... .give yourself lots of each!

I’m not thinking “when will she be back?”… “How am I going to help?”, “I’m so lost without her I’ll never survive”.
No I’m thinking “I’m sad, I’m terribly hurt and I’m bloody angry!”

Being able to turn your focus to your own thoughts and feelings is one of the most important steps in recovering. When emotions become overwhelming, sometimes the thing we need most are labels or objective descriptions -- identify the feelings you're having, or the thoughts, fears, hopes, doubts. If all else fails, try to describe the physical sensations they produce -- colours, smells, tastes, whatever. This can help you gain the mental distance and perspective you need to work through the emotions productively, without drawing hasty and unhelpful conclusions from them (e.g. "I'll always feel like this!" or "I don't want to ever be in a relationship again!" ... .all normal thoughts to have, but important to recognise that they are not usually helpful or accurate when based on intensely painful feelings that will eventually fade).

I guess the real question is, how does anyone learn to come to terms with the fallout with no closure and remain strong enough when faced with the inevitable return one day to do the right thing?

There are no easy answers here. It's a long process and it's unique to each of us. But if you want to know a good place to start, I'd recommend re-reading your own post. You have tremendous self-awareness already. You understand yourself and what you're going through incredibly well, given how recent and painful this still is. Keep reading and posting here, and keep doing what you're already doing. Oh, and did I mention -- time, patience, compassion? Don't rush yourself or put pressure on yourself to move along the recovery process too quickly. One of the hardest, but most rewarding lessons, I had to learn was to accept that I would be in pain for some time, that it would be really hard, that it would take time for me to start feeling like myself (a richer, deeper sense of self now) again ... .but that I could get on with my life in the meanwhile.

It's not easy. It can feel brutal at times. But it will get better, Mal. If you've reached a place where you can't avoid the pain anymore, then the only thing to do is work through it.

[thisagain]

Welcome, Mal!

I guess the real question is, how does anyone learn to come to terms with the fallout with no closure and remain strong enough when faced with the inevitable return one day to do the right thing?

This is The Question around here, at least on this section of the board! It sounds like you two had planned a beautiful life together, and it's devastating to lose that. It hurts even more when the breakup is a surprise to you. People with BPD go through rapid shifts in their identity and relationships, which can be really shocking to see.

Two things help to give you a sense of "closure," regardless of how your ex actually ended it. One is to learn a lot about BPD and the patterns for how BPD plays out in relationships. That will help you understand what happened. It'll also give you more realistic expectations for the kind of relationship she's capable of --making it easier to resist getting back together, or at least you'll know what you're getting yourself into.

The other thing that helps, which it sounds like you're already making great progress on, is understanding the mistakes YOU made in the relationship, why you got into an unhealthy relationship, and why you stayed. Therapy can be a big help. So can reading up on here. Have you ever heard the term "codependent"? It's similar to what you describe as "Knight in Shining Armor" syndrome, and you can read more here: Dealing with Enmeshment and Codependence.

You can do it! Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and it'll get easier.

As for "doing the right thing" if she returns one day... .It sounds like you've been apart and gotten back together at least once before. What made you willing to try again that time? And what do you think is different this time?