Should I out the BPD, NPD In my divorce announcement

[Moselle]

We have agreed to write a divorce announcement.

I have the option to say something like "We have decided in the best interests of he children to be honest and open about the mental health issues we have faced. Borderline traits  Narcissistic traits, eating disorder, impulse control disorder"

Will this hurt the children or help them, if it will be in the open?

Will it help or hinder accountability ?

[Reforming]

Hi Moselle

My immediate reaction would be no.

I could be wrong but I can't see the benefits of publicly exposing your ex wife's mental health diagnosis. Has she agreed to this? Ultimately she has a right to privacy and any decision to disclose her diagnosis should come from her

I realise that it has caused you untold pain and suffering but her condition also makes her vulnerable and unstable. Do you think she understands the consequences of disclosure

What if she changes her mind?

I think it could potentially add more strain on your relationship with her and undermine your ability to coparent.  I would  be concerned about the impact it would have on your children. Do they have the resources and maturity to cope with the potential fallout? Other children can be cruel

Just my 2 cents worth

Reforming

[DreamGirl]

What is a divorce announcement exactly?

Do you mutually agree upon what is written about the other?

What is she allowed to say about you?

[Tobiasfunke]

Hi Mo.  I agree with dreamgirl. I guess if she has been officially diagnosed BPD you are just stating a fact. But that said I understand where you are coming from that it would be officially legally in the record of the reason for the divorce. I guess maybe you Could also say your issues. If i were to write something like that in mine I would state I was a codependent enabler and allowed abusive and unacceptable behaviors by my ex that led to the dissolution of the marriage. As you children grow up you will be able to help guide them to avoid such relationships that unfortunately we did not understand until it was too late. I don't know if it needs to be in the divorce decree. What does you lawyer or mediator think?     

[Turkish]

What results in the least harm?  For your kids first,  for whatever parenting relationship second,  and for her third. 

If she's diagnosed, you can likely discuss this with the kids (age appropriately) without legal repercussions. I can't imagine, however,  how good it might play if an upset child tells her at some point, ":)ad says you have Borderline Personality Disorder, too! And you're a narcissist! And anorexic!"

My kids showed up to school sad last week.  Their mom wouldn't let go something  S6 did,  which I agreed was frustrating,  but her response was inappropriate. Our son was down when I met him in the school yard.  D4 humored into my arms clinging to me tightly (she usually plays the game of clinging to her not wanting to go with me). Their mom was still going off about our son.  She wouldn't let it go. 

I know she has issues.  The kids know it to the extent that they can understand given their ages.  I focused on them.  Your kids are older and can grasp a lot more. They might find out about these diagnoses, and they might not use this knowledge towards anything positive.  Think of it like we try to coach members here: focus on dealing with the behaviors rather than a diagnosis. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Idk, never heard of a divorce announcement, but my heart dropped and I felt eh to read that.

Imo, if you are announcing a divorce... .
Make it about the two adults who originally entered into the marriage agreement.

Don't make it in anyway about the kids.
Even if you feel that it was for the good of the kids, idk, it feels wrong to me to make it about the kids.

Imagine if the kids overhear, over read?
Last thing any kid wants is to have greater sense that the desolution of the marriage somehow was tied to them.  They already have plenty of reasons to think so without adult help to think so.

Certainly not phrasing as "best interests of the kids." I always cringe when people use that phrase and really, so much about what happened "for the sake of the kids," the kids really wished never did and wished they wouldn't have that burden.

In my opinion:
Divorce is about two Adults ONLY.
Even if it is about two adults who cannot agree on parenting, or other matters.
Still is two adults.

But yea, I was raised in a generation that watched Drew Barrymore in "Irreconcilable Differences."

Maybe make it about why you two adults cannot keep you original commitment to the marriage?

What makes that not possible?

(I mean that literally... .not judgementally)

"While my belief is that the commitment and bond of marriage to be... .xyz.  There unfortunately are times when a couple feels that it is more loving to themselves and each other not keep that agreement... . ... .as parting at this time may mean greater love and peace for both parties."

Idk, how bout framing it in a way that shows you do honor marriage, did enter it with love and respect and still respect marriage, your exW, etc.  Hard as Idk what you DO think and feel, but surely there is another way to frame this?

Idk, I think things like... .
Is the language I am using language that I want my kids to hear?
A future date/woman/man to hear?
Am I painting myself into the role of a victim with my language?
Am I speaking as though I stand by my choices, am in charge of life?

Idk, maybe more details on what purpose this announcement is supposed to serve, who is to receive it, are you jointly writing it?  Is it even a legit thing, like did you two decide it subconsciously as another way to engage with each other and she will run off and write her own thing anyway if you two cannot agree?

[DreamGirl]

In my opinion:
Divorce is about two Adults ONLY.
Even if it is about two adults who cannot agree on parenting, or other matters.
Still is two adults.

It is about the two adults. You don't stop being a mom. You don't stop being a dad. You are very literally getting out of a marital contract, not a parenting one.

For me, emotions are what tangle up divorces. I wasn't very gracious to my exH in my divorce (except when it came to the kids, I have always valued him tremendously as a father). I was tired of being gracious in the marriage so I felt very empowered in not doing anything gracious whatsoever in the divorce --- even when the circumstances lent me to be gracious.

The person I am now would probably regret anything I did (or said) if this kind of situation were an option at the time. My emotions are different and time has healed those really deep wounds. He is still the father of my children and his well being is extremely important to them, making it extremely important to me.

I also would really never want my kids to be able to see how immature (and non gracious) I acted at that time too!  

[Moselle]

This is the proposal

Dear friends and family,

We regret to announce the break-up of the Moselle family unit. We will now be a divorced family with the responsibility to raise our children to become healthy and well-adjusted adults.

We have fond memories of the births of our wonderful children, D15 D12 and D7. And of adventures in Europe; in the snow of Holland, summer vacations in Austria, and with great friends in Luxembourg. We miss our special place in Cape Town and all of our friends there

We achieved lots of mikestones as a family and we look forward to achieving many more with out children, however as a divorced family.

The last 5 years have been extremely destructive for everyone with mental illnesses being diagnosed, court battles and ugliness. With outgoing into specifics,,we have decided to cooperate i  all parenting matters, be open about the issues to ensure that the problems faced by Moselles ex and I are not taught to the children. Instead, we have agreed to model healthy personal and relationship behaviours.

It is our sincere wish that all involved, including friends and family embrace the love of Christ and put these things behind us for the sake of all involved.

We ask friends of the family to respect both Moselle and Moselles ex as we grapple with the extraordinary circumstances and endeavour to provide the best for the girls.

[HopefulDad]

This is the proposal

Dear friends and family,

We regret to announce the break-up of the Moselle family unit. We will now be a divorced family with the responsibility to raise our children to become healthy and well-adjusted adults.

We have fond memories of the births of our wonderful children, D15 D12 and D7. And of adventures in Europe; in the snow of Holland, summer vacations in Austria, and with great friends in Luxembourg. We miss our special place in Cape Town and all of our friends there

We achieved lots of mikestones as a family and we look forward to achieving many more with out children, however as a divorced family.

The last 5 years have been extremely destructive for everyone with mental illnesses being diagnosed, court battles and ugliness. With outgoing into specifics,,we have decided to cooperate i  all parenting matters, be open about the issues to ensure that the problems faced by Moselles ex and I are not taught to the children. Instead, we have agreed to model healthy personal and relationship behaviours.

It is our sincere wish that all involved, including friends and family embrace the love of Christ and put these things behind us for the sake of all involved.

We ask friends of the family to respect both Moselle and Moselles ex as we grapple with the extraordinary circumstances and endeavour to provide the best for the girls.

Personally, I'd nix the joint "announcement" altogether.  Of course if you want to do your own announcement to friends and family, that's fine.  I PM'd several friends that I was getting a divorce, thanked them for their friendship and support both in the past and future and that was about it.  Got several positive replies and reconnected with old friends through various activities in which we may not have put in as much effort to make happen otherwise.

If you feel you must give an announcement, seriously: Strike out any details about why as I did above.  If anyone wishes to discuss the whys with you, they'll reach out to you in private and you can choose to share whatever level of detail with each of them.  And honestly, that first paragraph I struck out is something you will probably wince at later.  This may sound harsh, but I'm being honest when I say it's not good: You refer to extreme destructiveness, mental diagnoses, court battles and ugliness and then talk about not getting into details... .kind of drama queen-ish and is just begging for gossip behind your back.  And as far as "decided to cooperate on parenting, being open, modeling healthy behavior"... .you have zero idea how this will work moving forward as this will likely be a challenge for your BPDex.

[Panda39]

I'm not sure I understand why you are sending out a formal announcement either?  I've not heard of one either.  I assume those closest to you already know about the divorce. For those more distant friendships I would just tell those people directly when the opportunity arose. 

It seems like such a sad event and sending an announcement feels like it's being shouted from the rooftops... .kind of overkill.

If I were to do an announcement I would say the absolute bare minimum like celebrities do.

Moselle and the exMrs Moselle
Wish to announce their divorce to friends and family
We both appreciate your support during this difficult time

There is absolutely no reason to go into your reasons for divorce it's no one else's business but if I wanted to share that information with someone I would do that one on one.

Panda39

[Turkish]

What Panda wrote is similar to what we sent out publicly. Short and to the point...

[Moselle]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate  your advice!

Turkish it's been a long road to get here. Thanks for your support along the way.

I will keep it short and to the point. I like your suggestion Panda

I think some of my motivation was to set the record straight in some ways. She has been telling all sorts of lies about me to everyone including to all of our friends. I'll have to check my ego here.

But going into details just feels like sour grapes if I step back, and I don't want to put a positive spin onto something which was dysfunctional either.

I think most people with a reasonable mind will have some question marks around her without me having to post them.

The good news is I am alive. I've almost survived a marriage and divorce with a dangerous and uncooperative borderline/ narcissist :-)

My life is a mess externally but internally I'm on the right track.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hope you get what you are looking for... .

I think some of my motivation was to set the record straight in some ways. She has been telling all sorts of lies about me to everyone including to all of our friends. I'll have to check my ego here.

I guess, in my mind, writing an announcement really doesn't prevent her from framing things the way she sees them anymore than it controls your reality and how you choose to share that.  

I lost all his friends/family that I felt I had my own relationships with post break up.
Imo, if a friend has a break up, I listen, knowing full well there is another side.

If a person is going to listen to a black/white, obviously biased retell/reframe of what our issues were and such... . (As pretty much most every break up story is going to likely be biased... .so awareness that this is one of many possible perspectives, imo, is important)

Really is not the type of person I want more of in my life anyway.

(I am certain he told a story of me being abusive, and them needing to all block me for his and their safety.  I am not interested in changing the minds of people who cannot think enough about it, to care to get my side before adopting alliance with him.  I'm not going to convince someone who I am... .they should know based on our relationship, meaning me and that person... .a real friend would have at least confronted me with their own issues regarding me and tried to come to their OWN conclusion vs adopting his, no?  Imo, to be so swayed by him so black/white, imo, not cool... .and in a way... .they too are participating in some not so great dynamic of painting me black with him and allowing him to be a victim, vs holding him accountable for his role as adult equal participant.)

Maybe it is a JADE thing?
I am who I am.
If someones words, can convince you to reinterpret my history of behaviors that you have seen and known, or erase who you know me to be... .Idk... .kinda odd to me... .no?
Should I try to convince a person otherwise?
Maybe, maybe not
 

[Reforming]

Hi Moselle,

When a marriage ends friends, family and strangers typically come up with a variety of different explanations. Most of us make sense of other people and events through the prism of own experience. It's very instinctive but if can often lead to false assumptions and conclusions. And this is especially true when it comes to PDs because so much of their behaviour can be hidden from others. Unless you've lived with a pwBPD / NPD it's almost impossible to comprehend or believe the reality of that experience.

When my relationship ended I wanted others to understand what had really happened, how hard I'd tried and how I'd been harmed. I felt very hurt and frustrated when they didn't. But how could they? I didn't understand what was really happening when I was in the middle of it. I

Over time other people's perceptions and judgements have become less and less important. It's my life - I have to find my own truths and I don't have the power or the right to force others to share them.

The most powerful way to show others who you are is by living a good life and modelling your values.

Good luck

Reforming

[scraps66]

No.  And what would you base the "diagnosis" on?  Is there a credible diagnosis?  Regardless, I see no reason to publicly divulge any type of diagnosis.  IF mental health issues are influencing the children, then you would have to address the issues in a way that would have the BP getting themselves help. 

"Mutually agreed upon" are words that nearly no one has ever uttered if dealing with a BP.  BP traits being what they are, denial, distortion, blameshifting, it is hard to imagine that a BP would agree to such an announcement. 

Also, factor in the collateral damage that could arise from making such an announcement.  BP's have a tendency to destroy what they cannot control or destructively retaliate against people that don't share their way of thinking.  This is how children become involved (used) in parental alienation.     

[Moselle]

She also signed the following affidavit. Believe it or not.

At the family advocate meeting dated 26/10/2015, I stated that a psychologist named  Xxxxx had diagnosed Moselle having Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I misled the family advocate as this is untrue. It is true however that I have been diagnosed with Borderline and Narcissistic traits within this relationship. And impulse control disorder, eating disorder, obsessive disorder and General Anxiety by my psychiatrist xxxpsychxxxx whist receiving treatment between 2012 and 2015. As a result of these maladies I was emotionally and physically abusive towards him and the children during our marriage