I should add that it's often helpful to validate how she feels (this helps soothe the emotional arousal), and then move things along.
Sometimes, too, the whirling vortex of emotions is an inner battle that just needs to pass through -- we help by staying stable, protecting ourselves if necessary, and letting them know we will be there on the other side.
But in all of this is an opportunity to investigate how you feel about what she is saying. It might be something you do here, with us, or something you talk to a therapist about. Your daughter feels very hurt by her dad's behavior, and that is perfectly valid. It probably is very hard to have a BPD father. My son's father is BPD/NPD and it had a very devastating impact on him -- he is able to now articulate that he resented the way his dad reversed the parent-child role, not to mention the emotional roller coaster and other issues.
It is very painful to admit this is all true. I validate his feelings and I allow myself a short sip from the faucet of guilt. If he feels pain and can abide it, we may linger a while and just feel the sadness. If he becomes emotionally dysregulated or angry, I move things along. Our own guilt can get in the way of validating how our kids feel. Afraid of drowning in that guilt, we defend ourselves or deny or deflect their feelings. Often, what our kids want is to feel heard.
If it turns into a blame fest and we become punching bags, it is best (for us, and for them), to have good boundaries about how that conversation will be handled going forward.
She wants to respect you, is my guess. She may be angry about you not protecting her as a child, and that is now history. Nothing can be done to change how things were. You can, however, become someone she respects in the way you interact with her now.
It's hard, I know. We're here for you as you navigate this path.
