I'm back

[Clementine52]

I was on this board a few years ago. Mostly I lurked, trying to get an understanding of my sister who is BPD. She Has difficulty maintaining most relationships. Every time she tears into me I swear to myself that never again will I let her get close enough to hurt me that badly again. The last time she did was 2011. She said horrible things to me... .again. But I let her back into my life. tonight she did it to me again. She called me a b___ and said I never apologized for the last time we had it out. Huh?  I had nothing to apologize for. I never call her names. I never say, "you aren't my sister anymore". The sad thing is that she really believes she is the victim. She will never be well and we will never be able to have a relationship. I'm over it.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Clementine52,

Good to have you back. Sounds like you’ve learnt a lot and thanks for sharing your journey with us. I expect you will have a lot of insightful advice to help others. So what other things have you done, are you doing to help heal ?   

[Ziggiddy]

Hi Clementine
it sounds like a really rough time trying to navigate your r'ship with your sister. It is very frustrating dealing with someone who doesn't treat you with respect, even more so when it's a member of your family. When someone takes the victim role and tells us things about ourselves we know are not true it can be unnerving to say the least.
No doubt you have read about projection - a common lever for someone suffering from BPD - is it possible your sister is projecting her own thoughts onto you? It is a crazymaking behaviour to be sure!
Besides the unstable relationship pattern, have there been other things that she does that make you think she may have BPD?

As you say there is always the chance that she may never be 'cured' it is still worthwhile to understand our own patterns in response in order to fully make sense of ourselves and navigate any future contact in a more productive way. Is there something besides the name calling and martyrdom (calling herself the victim) which upsets you? If you would be willing to expand a little on details, we could hopefully give you better support and point you in the direction of information most relevant to you and your situation.

Look forward to hearing a little more of your story
Ziggiddy

[Clementine52]

Thank you Ziggidy for your thoughtful reply. My sister just had her 60th birthday. She had finally gone to a therapist a couple of years ago. She was formally diagnosed as BPD at that time. Her therapist was helping her, giving her coping skills. Then my sister moved to another state. Her new therapist isn't as good helping her. About every five to ten years my sister or I reach out to each other. We meet up and it seems to go well for awhile. Then suddenly she starts yelling about some innocent remark. About how I have been such a b___ and have said so many nasty things to her. I have no clue what I've said that could be interpreted that way. This time her dear sweet husband was with us. She was very mean to him the whole time. I never said a word about how I felt about that. I just sat back and was quiet. She blows up and screams and yells at me. Then she leaves and I don't hear from her for another five to ten years. Fortunately she never had children. I feel so sorry for her husband. But then it's his choice to stay and be treated that way.

I don't think I want to go through this again. That's why I say I'm done.

Hi Clementine
it sounds like a really rough time trying to navigate your r'ship with your sister. It is very frustrating dealing with someone who doesn't treat you with respect, even more so when it's a member of your family. When someone takes the victim role and tells us things about ourselves we know are not true it can be unnerving to say the least.
No doubt you have read about projection - a common lever for someone suffering from BPD - is it possible your sister is projecting her own thoughts onto you? It is a crazymaking behaviour to be sure!
Besides the unstable relationship pattern, have there been other things that she does that make you think she may have BPD?

As you say there is always the chance that she may never be 'cured' it is still worthwhile to understand our own patterns in response in order to fully make sense of ourselves and navigate any future contact in a more productive way. Is there something besides the name calling and martyrdom (calling herself the victim) which upsets you? If you would be willing to expand a little on details, we could hopefully give you better support and point you in the direction of information most relevant to you and your situation.

Look forward to hearing a little more of your story
Ziggiddy