Help me understand

[tafkas]

This is an odd one - I wondered if anybody else has had this with their borderline. Over nine years she tried to destroy the relationship three times. The last time she succeeded. She 'attacked' after a personal setback. I was at an emotional low. I really needed her love and support at that time. It was probably the only time in nine years that the strong one really needed the love and support of the more delicate one (a role reversal o the norm). Instead, she declared she didn't love me anymore. At the time I didn't have a name for her disorder. I simply didn't understand. I tried to fix things. True to form with the previous times she came back into the fold... .briefly. She wanted something - a car. I bought her the car and the moment she had the keys she split the other way. We never recovered.

Whilst all this turmoil was ongoing our sex life however was as good as ever. It had always been a very sexually charged relationship. To recap, she has declared she doesn't love me anymore but still wants the sex. We are having sex one day and she bursts into tears. I ask what's wrong and she says 'this might be the last time we ever do this it makes me sad'. You can imagine how confused I'm now feeling ! By the time we go to dinner a few hours later, she is cold and withdrawn again. It was as if she was going through her idolization/devaluation cycle at breakneck speed. At dinner I ask her what it is that is missing. She actually says she accepts the sex will never be the same with anybody else, she won't love anybody else the same way, nobody has ever treated her as well as I have, etc. Yet, she is still determined to destroy it and leave. She leaves and subsequently says it is me that hurt her, broke her heart, etc.

Now I finally have a name and and explanation for her condition, I feel I can finally heal from the rollercoaster ride. However, that bursting into tears during sex saying we may never do this again really still bothers me. Has anyone else had this ? Was that just a borderline who had preplanned her own destruction and was emoting it prior to actually doing it ?

Please shed some light if you can.

[C.Stein]

I was at an emotional low. I really needed her love and support at that time. It was probably the only time in nine years that the strong one really needed the love and support of the more delicate one (a role reversal o the norm). Instead, she declared she didn't love me anymore.

Boy do I understand this as it is what happened to me, more or less.  The one time I needed her to be there for me she turned her back on me.  After six months of watching me suffer she declared she was not in love with me anymore.  This I believe was her way of justifying replacing me months prior to that declaration.  Difference in my relationship is I lost all interest in sex because I felt like a tool, only there to satisfy her "needs".

Now I finally have a name and and explanation for her condition, I feel I can finally heal from the rollercoaster ride. However, that bursting into tears during sex saying we may never do this again really still bothers me. Has anyone else had this ? Was that just a borderline who had preplanned her own destruction and was emoting it prior to actually doing it ?

It is impossible to really get a grasp on what a borderline is thinking.  She may have had a moment of clarity, seeing the damage she has done.  Hard to say with certainty.  Why do you think this bothers you so much?

[tafkas]

Thanks for sharing C Stein and for the insight. I think it bothers me because I loved her deeply. I think she also loved me. I cared for her immensely and I could see her pain. Like many a borderline spouse I wanted to save her. She was in 'victim mode' and was seeking to manipulate me into getting her own way. She didn't rage in the conventional sense. She shut down and withdrew. She was so withdrawn at that time I just couldn't reach her to get out what it was that was causing the self destruction. Sex was a way to hide from the issues. That moment epitomised all the helplessness and frustration I was feeling. It was almost as if she said 'I love you, I want to be with you, but I'm leaving you'. It's the lasting memory I have of the sheer insanity of it all

I think you might be onto something when you hypothesise that it might have been a moment of clarity for her. Alas, it didn't last long.

[C.Stein]

Thanks for sharing C Stein and for the insight. I think it bothers me because I loved her deeply. I think she also loved me. I cared for her immensely and I could see her pain. Like many a borderline spouse I wanted to save her. She was in 'victim mode' and was seeking to manipulate me into getting her own way. She didn't rage in the conventional sense. She shut down and withdrew. She was so withdrawn at that time I just couldn't reach her to get out what it was that was causing the self destruction. Sex was a way to hide from the issues. That moment epitomised all the helplessness and frustration I was feeling. It was almost as if she said 'I love you, I want to be with you, but I'm leaving you'. It's the lasting memory I have of the sheer insanity of it all

Yes, I understand this as my ex was very much like yours.  The pain this produces within you is like none other.  I have had failed relationships in my past, some causing significant pain, but nothing like this, not even close.  I also felt that helplessness and frustration because I could see the good within her, that wonderful person I deeply loved trying to come out, but ultimately unable to, at least in any sustainable and lasting fashion.

I think you might be onto something when you hypothesise that it might have been a moment of clarity for her. Alas, it didn't last long.

The moments of clarity is one of the hardest things to come to terms with.  It is like you can see them struggling to be the person they desperately want to be ... .and then it is gone.  In retrospect it breaks my heart.

[tafkas]

The moments of clarity is one of the hardest things to come to terms with.  It is like you can see them struggling to be the person they desperately want to be ... .and then it is gone.  In retrospect it breaks my heart.

Thank-you. It is quite overwhelming to finally come across someone who has been there. I have been trapped in a world of confusion and not understanding for so long. Your words sum it up nicely. In fact they just made me cry. Thank-you again

[TheSinister]

It's hard to do but you have to stop looking for answers and some kind of epiphany that will arrive and will make everything logic or understandable

If you are dealing with exBPD she can't understand it or able to explain this to her self, her emotions is a nonstop random storm that you just get make it stop nor understand it's origin. When you accept the above your life will be much easier.

You need to get away, as hard as it may become just remember you can't fix this, it will only get worse and what's left to save is the remaining of your self esteem, find your safe place and rebuild yourself. It will take time and many tears but you willcget there

Goodcluck!

[C.Stein]

Letting go of the potential, what could have been, has been one of the most difficult things for me.  Those moments of clarity gave me hope, but it was a false hope.  My ex was so close to being the person she wants to be, yet she just can't seem to get her "dark side" (as she calls it) under control.  This caused an enormous amount of fear and anxiety in me because I could see she can't control it.  Yet I convinced myself over and over again that what I was seeing, her destructive and hurtful behavior, wasn't a true representation of who she really is.  I did this to my own detriment because I desperately wanted to believe in her and trust her, to have hope for the beautiful future I had seen as possible with her.  It has been exceptionally difficult to let that go and to see and accept her for who she truly is.

The saddest thing is, she believes she does have it under control and as long as she believes that nothing will ever change.  She has lived in denial her entire life, always finding something external to blame for her destructive choices and behavior.  So now I have become the all to convenient scapegoat, a role that the both of us have unwillingly and undeservedly taken on.

[bestintentions]

tafkas,

Yep.  Ditto to what you said.  In the final days I heard things like, "I want to be with you, but I don't know how" and "You're my best friend" and "I don't know how I'll ever get over you" & "you're the only person I let come inside me" during the last time we had sex, with both of us crying.  Heartbreaking and devastating.

bi

[Kelli Cornett]

Letting go of the potential, what could have been, has been one of the most difficult things for me.  Those moments of clarity gave me hope, but it was a false hope.  My ex was so close to being the person she wants to be, yet she just can't seem to get her "dark side" (as she calls it) under control.  This caused an enormous amount of fear and anxiety in me because I could see she can't control it.  Yet I convinced myself over and over again that what I was seeing, her destructive and hurtful behavior, wasn't a true representation of who she really is.  I did this to my own detriment because I desperately wanted to believe in her and trust her, to have hope for the beautiful future I had seen as possible with her.  It has been exceptionally difficult to let that go and to see and accept her for who she truly is.

The saddest thing is, she believes she does have it under control and as long as she believes that nothing will ever change.  She has lived in denial her entire life, always finding something external to blame for her destructive choices and behavior.  So now I have become the all to convenient scapegoat, a role that the both of us have unwillingly and undeservedly taken on.

So weird to read someone else's story, that can just as easily have my name attached to it.

To the OP, this should help show you that you are certainly not alone. Many of us out here in the same situation and it really can be heartbreaking and sad, even more so when there are children involved.