Finding my own peace

[DreamGirl]

Long story short for anyone who hasn't read my recent posts. My 17yo SD decided over the summer that she wanted to live with her BPDmom the majority of the time (rather then 50/50). She is definitely her mom's favorite child (of the three girls). She graduates highschool in December and is joining the military.

I'm working on my own frustrations and trying to navigate that she just wants to be with her mom --- regardless of our turning ourselves inside out to minimize the impact for her (of having a disordered mom). We almost went broke to get the 50/50 schedule. My youngest SD14 just gave a speech at a Student Council retreat (I helped her edit it only after she wrote it) about something she's "overcome" in life. She talked about her childhood of moving around house to house, boyfriend to boyfriend (with her mom having them majority time) ----- and how it may have been difficult, it's allowed her a certain resiliency. She also listed her dad as her hero. Her oldest sister (20) used the same story and the same hero in her application to the Academy.  

Because he is a hero.

Anyways my 17yo stepdaughter showed up at my office today.

She lost her phone.

Two days ago.

She's on our plan, so she really has no choice to grace me with her presence in order to request she get a new phone. I told her to just call her dad because he's the one who needs to take her to get a new phone (it's in his name). Oh the irony that she showed up in leggings/t-shirt that I told her were inappropriately tight at the beginning of the school year. So right off the bat, I was highly irritated.

But my biggest frustration was with my husband who is leaving work early. From a job that has him 90 miles away for the rest of the week. To get her a new phone. Tonight.

He did tell her to find a solution and discuss it with me. She agreed to pay for a new phone - in monthly installments. Upon approval, he'd sign off on it. He joked around with her and asked if this was her scheme to get the new Apple Phone.

I'm not amused. At all. Even a little bit.

I wish I didn't just want to punish her for making the choice to "visit" us for 4 nights a month. Or only when she needs something. Like today.

I want to make her wait at least a week. When we get back from vacation.

Because that's convenient for me and my husband. Today is really inconvenient when my husband is out of town for work.

Just like coming to our house is soo inconvenient for you.

(... .cue someone telling me to just grow up)

But I know that's not how it works.

[Turkish]

BPD mother or not,  blended family or not,  I'll start by saying that I find it really hard to empathize with P17 (that's "Princess" 17). I couldn't wait to escape into adulthood at that age, but that was me. 

Even so,  she's still got a developing mind and it's the job of parents to guide this.  Despite doing the best on your side,  she's got two other parents.  She has a lot of significant influences.  I'm also certainly not going to tell you to grow up.  Though I believe you that your H has been a hero in all of this (here I'd pause and say "what about Dream Girl?", it looks like he punted into your court.  Excuse the mixed sports metaphor.  You were put into a no win situation,  further enabling her waifish behavior at the expense of your feelings.  Am I reading this right? 

That you want to make her wait until her dad is home sounds like you don't feel you want to be alone with her at this point the way things are going. If that's the case, probably a good idea.  Nothing wrong with giving ourselves a time out. 

[Panda39]

"(... .cue someone telling me to just grow up)"

You are allowed to have your feelings about things and yes be frustrated with D17 and her dad... .and love them both.

She wants to live with mom and she's almost out on her own... .interesting that she comes running to dad for the phone.  Maybe I'm petty but dad's away and D17 with the phone is like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... ."But Daddy I want it noowww... .why not direct her back to her mother since she is living with her and she is there and have her mom get her a new phone?

For what it's worth I agree with you that  D17 can wait until dad has time to work on getting her a new phone.  Despite what every teenager thinks... .the world will not come to an end if you don't have a cellphone for a few days.

It sucks that D17 is only coming around because she wants something and DH is jumping through her hoops.  I get your frustration. 

I think you just need to let this go for now, take yourself out of it and let things be between the two of them... .I know that's not easy.  Maybe later have a talk with DH about how this situation made you feel and how you guys could handle things like this going forward.

Panda39 

[DreamGirl]

You were put into a no win situation,  further enabling her waifish behavior at the expense of your feelings.  Am I reading this right?

I hadn't thought of it that way. I think he was just trying to include me in the decision. He knew he wanted to do it for her as quick as possible. So then I get to be the jerk.

They also made decisions and now she owes more money per month. So why I was even consulted is a joke really.

That you want to make her wait until her dad is home sounds like you don't feel you want to be alone with her at this point the way things are going. If that's the case, probably a good idea.  Nothing wrong with giving ourselves a time out.  

I don't care to be around her. At all. My emotions billow up just at the sight of her. She feels like a stranger in my home.

I am impressed with the fact that she manned up and showed up at my work to discuss the phone, instead of having her mom call me. (Which she did last time when she wrecked my car and I was livid)

Maybe I'm petty but dad's away and D17 with the phone is like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory... ."But Daddy I want it noowww... .why not direct her back to her mother since she is living with her and she is there and have her mom get her a new phone?

For what it's worth I agree with you that  :)17 can wait until dad has time to work on getting her a new phone.  :)espite what every teenager thinks... .the world will not come to an end if you don't have a cellphone for a few days.

This is how I feel and how I treated the car situation. She wrecked my car. I did not buy her another one -- better ask your mom, so she's driving around in her mom's BF's car. (and not allowed to take it to our house)

The phone situation is a little bit more complex in that her little sister is on her mom's plan --- and actually just dropped in the toilet two days ago (bad week for the girls and their phones). So while it's our responsibility for the older one, it's mom's responsibility for the younger one. If they were switched, she would have.

But it is typical of them all to go to Dad for any monetary support.  

[livednlearned]

while it's our responsibility for the older one

Is it?

[DreamGirl]

Is it?

By mutual agreement ---- yes.

The same way child support is paid I suppose.

[bravhart1]

I don't hear what you are feeling as being as terrible as you you are judging yourself. Teens can be torture. I've had five of them.
You get to have an opinion and feelings whether or not they are popular opinions/ feelings  with your selfish teens or not. Give yourself a break.

What I hear you saying between the lines more and more is that you are not super happy with how DH is handling things, and frankly I can't say I disagree. You and DH need to get on the same page. Because let's face it, those kids are going to grow up and do their own thing, at some point and you and DH are all you have in the long run. You've put up with a LOT (let's not forget the Borderline elephant who's always lurking) you deserve to have some opinions about DH's handling of things. I'll bet if you sat him down and put this in a clear way he'd see your point. You have spoken highly of his ability to be compassionate, I'll bet he has some for you too.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like you do not have much voice in comparison to D17 towards your husband.
This would piss me off royally!

My value is that the couple relationship comes first and all other relationships benefit from the strength and unity of the couple/adult partners.

So for my H to act like I had some weighing in on the discussion, but ultimately feeling my thoughts were not taken into consideration, or taken into less consideration than a child, would piss me off greatly.

Idk if this is how you see it, but I recall others telling me to put it aside, step back and let dad deal with SD14 how he likes.  Yet, in my mind, I took him into consideration (according to my values) with matters with my S17, and wanted our partnership to not be so one sided.  SD14 was elevated to partner status on matters concerning her... .and my voice was just a minor thought to the equation.

In his mind, his kid was "in distress" and he wanted to "save her" vs parent her or teach her.

Yea, this was especially frustrating when dealing with the kids, yet that drama triangle dynamic kept showing its way into his relationships.  

Really, best thing I could always do was state my opinion, expect nothing, back away.
It didn't usually go so well though.

So when you think YOU need to "grow up," I say, likely your instincts are correct and your values are what they are and are sound, just that you ARE being disrespected and well, in a way that I am not sure you can do much about other than good ole RA, which sucks!

(My opinion though is it is likely misdirected to mostly D17, whereas H has accountability to partner with you, not engage in rescuing behavior, and I would also expect partnership on financial matters with my mate before a child, yet not everyone has those values.)

... .

I guess the thing is... .
If ALL the kids run to him for money... .
Likely Dad has taught them in a "positive reinforcing" (meaning, they seek money, and he often provides = positive reinforcement of behavior) way, that this is how to treat him.
I would be holding him responsible for this in my mind.
(Yet, out loud, I know would likely make little difference, as dynamics existed likely many yrs)

[livednlearned]

Is it?

By mutual agreement ---- yes.

The same way child support is paid I suppose.

Ok. Sometimes the responsibilities are negotiable. If not, then that's a different struggle.

She is acting badly, DH is not acting great.

I guess the question is if you are ok feeling the hurt for a while, and where you want this all to go. It's the phone right now, it will be something next, probably.

Sometimes when I am running on empty with S15 I just say it. I'm tired. I feel hurt. I won't do X at the moment because I have low reserves and need to take a break and regroup. If it's something he wants to take care of right away, he may need to do xyz on his own. Otherwise, he can wait it out and when I'm ready to come around and help we can talk about it then.

You want her to have empathy for how you feel. Maybe modeling that empathy for yourself will get through to her, that this is how you treat DG.