Recieved a letter from my ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I received a letter from my ex today. And  I got something different than what I expected.

Here is what she said:

"I believe you are right that we need to quit.  It doesn't mean I don't love you because I do.  But I also know I must do a lot of internal healing and being with you makes me feel conflicted because before I did see you as perfectly made for me.  Now I don't know how I see you.  Sometimes it's with love and sometimes it's with a deep hurt.  This has been the worst relationship I have ever been in.  And being with you makes me feel bad about myself. I feel I will never attain the standard of what is expected and it's making me sicker and sicker.(my only expectations were for her to be honest, faithful and have respect for me).  But I still love you and want you to be happy.(even though being with me makes her sick).  And maybe after some time and some healing, we can stand the sight of each other and be okay.  When I am with you, I feel bad about myself.  I try so hard to push past it but in all aspects of my life I feel good about myself except when I'm with you.  And I doubt I meet anyone who treated me as well as you did." 

I wished I hadn't of read it now.  I feel like I just took two steps back. 
It's kind of confusing to me.  I make her sick but she loves me.  And being with me, she doesn't feel good about herself. But she also sees that I treated her well.  She said some other personal stuff too. 

What does my bpdfamily think about it?

[WhoMe51]

I received a letter from my ex today. And  I got something different than what I expected.

Here is what she said:

"I believe you are right that we need to quit.  It doesn't mean I don't love you because I do.  But I also know I must do a lot of internal healing and being with you makes me feel conflicted because before I did see you as perfectly made for me.  Now I don't know how I see you.  Sometimes it's with love and sometimes it's with a deep hurt.  This has been the worst relationship I have ever been in.  And being with you makes me feel bad about myself. I feel I will never attain the standard of what is expected and it's making me sicker and sicker.(my only expectations were for her to be honest, faithful and have respect for me).  But I still love you and want you to be happy.(even though being with me makes her sick).  And maybe after some time and some healing, we can stand the sight of each other and be okay.  When I am with you, I feel bad about myself.  I try so hard to push past it but in all aspects of my life I feel good about myself except when I'm with you.  And I doubt I meet anyone who treated me as well as you did." 

I wished I hadn't of read it now.  I feel like I just took two steps back. 
It's kind of confusing to me.  I make her sick but she loves me.  And being with me, she doesn't feel good about herself. But she also sees that I treated her well.  She said some other personal stuff too. 

What does my bpdfamily think about it?

[Herodias]

Makes sense to me... .asking her to be respectful, faithful and honest is too much for her, so when she is with you she feels bad about herself. She cannot do those things. She would love to be with you if you accepted her how she is... .maybe after awhile you will change your mind and put up with these behaviors, then you will be able to stand to be with each other. It's the old, I love you but I hate you thing... .When you thought she was the perfect woman, she felt the love you had for her and she felt good. Now that you know the bad side of her, she can feel that as well... .that makes her feel bad about herself. If you are willing to live in la la land with her, you could get along. If you want to live in reality, you need to move on... .

[WhoMe51]

Herodias,

What you said makes a lot of sense.  I have been nc since around September 7th.  I realized that I couldn't be in the relationship anymore.  And what you said really hit home.  I guess I'm not yet detached enough to see the big picture.  The next time I receive a letter from her, I will just throw it away.  That is the only way she has to contact me because I have her blocked every where else.  Thanks for your reply. 

[Herodias]

You are welcome... .it's really hard. You just need to take care of you and get yourself stronger. Try not to go back, because each recycle gets harder. They respect you less and less. End it now, before you get hurt worse and worse. I stayed too long... .You don't want to do that... . 

[WhoMe51]

Herodias,

I was just sitting here thinking.  She used to tell me that all the time.  That she wished I would just accept her as she was.  I would ask her to explain and she never would.  I never understood it until you explained it.  It makes so much sense now.  I have had my share of recycles too.  I couldn't stand the loneliness I felt when I wasn't with her.  I'm doing better now.  I would rather feel lonely single than to be alone in the relationship accepting a few crumbs along the way. 

[HoneyB33]

Can I ask what you were expecting the letter to say? Not to pin you on anything, but more so wondering what you thought the letter might say, and in other words what might have been NORMAL for someone to say.

Honestly, reading this letter made me sick. That feeling in the pit of my stomach that I use to get when my ex would say things like this. It was good to read, because it reminded me why I was so effected by all this.

Those words are so cruel, and so confusing. When you are the one who should be sought after, apologized to, the one who has been abused and drained... .Instead she is telling you that YOU are the one in that seat. And she's claiming it's the relationship, rather than her.

It is so confusing. When my ex said things like this to me, I had no idea about BPD. And so I went about trying to fix things and even believing that I was the one who was at fault. When someone says "This has been the worst relationship I have ever been in.  And being with you makes me feel bad about myself." You start to believe you've done something wrong. My ex said the exact same words to me. She told me she had never felt like "this" before in a relationship with other people. So it really pushed me to believe that she had never been this unhappy, meaning--I had done wrong. So I went about searching for this invisible answer to an invisible problem. I think I knew it wasn't me, but I was so desperate to feel any sort of ability within this situation, and I had no idea what I was dealing with.

"When I am with you, I feel bad about myself.  I try so hard to push past it but in all aspects of my life I feel good about myself except when I'm with you." This is a bullet. It's literally like being shot. My ex said this stuff to me, and it had me combing every corner of my actions. Feeling like I was crazy critical, and even pushing me into believing that I was somehow abusive towards her, when all I did was try to lift her up. It made me feel like my hands were tied from being able to ask ANY thing from her, because it made me feel like I was costing her her happiness by having any expectations for myself.

Can I ask how you found out your ex has BPD?

I'm so sorry you got that letter from her. Burn it. TRY to take this as a chance to see her disorder. And do whatever you can to know that these words are from her illness. Try really hard to NOT believe them.

[Herodias]

Herodias,

I was just sitting here thinking.  She used to tell me that all the time.  That she wished I would just accept her as she was.  I would ask her to explain and she never would.  I never understood it until you explained it.  It makes so much sense now.  I have had my share of recycles too.  I couldn't stand the loneliness I felt when I wasn't with her.  I'm doing better now.  I would rather feel lonely single than to be alone in the relationship accepting a few crumbs along the way.  

Exactly... .mine told me things like that all the time too. In fact, when I married him he asked if I would stay with him no matter what... .stupid me said yes! I had no idea what he had "planned" for me.  I am right there with you now too. He frightened me so much, I am happier alone. Glad those recycles are over for you... .it is so not worth it to keep trying with someone like that. I have learned so much since then. Keep learning and you will be fine. They have a way of making you feel addicted to them... .so treat yourself like an addict. (If that makes sense) Your feelings will come and go. You haven't been out that long... .I wish you well. Remember... .nothing will change unless she has years of therapy... .you will get better when you move past this.

[Rayban]

WhoMe51,

In her mind you are the one who ended things so she feels some sense of rejection/abandonment.  Therefore you must be the bad guy in all of this.  You've made the decision not to put up with her behaviour, she can't handle this, so she plays the victim and in her mind you are the abuser.

As for the letter itself be careful because it could be her making you feel guilty and get in your head.  I think you haven't heard the last from her. I pretty much had the same conversation with my ex a month or so after the break up she told me how much better her life is without me. How she couldn't understand why I couldn't love her unconditionally? Also how the last year with me was the worst of her life.

I think part of it is to make you want to prove her wrong and suck you back in for another recycle.  
PLEASE DON'T DO IT.  It will cause a whole new level of pain. Basically she would make you pay for not believing her bull crap anymore.

[Bushido]

This letter could have writen by my exBPDw...
Just... .wow... .what a dejavu... .

[Herodias]

This letter could have writen by my exBPDw...
Just... .wow... .what a dejavu... .

Yes, my feelings too... .it is amazing!

[amunt]

This has been the worst relationship I have ever been in

I think everyone heard that from their ex borderlines

its funny because in the start we were their best relationship ever

[FallBack!Monster]

Omg

[WhoMe51]

Honeyb33,

I'm sorry that your ex said some of the same things as mine said.  They can be so cruel with their words.  What I learned from this site and videos on youtube, is that they are projecting on to us how they feel inside.  I think that's right. 

I don't know what I wanted to see in the letter?  I had a rough weekend and I was feeling sad.  I guess to be honest, I was hoping for something good.  But what it did was strengthen my desire to keep nc.  There is nothing good that can come out of this relationship.  And the next time she sends me a letter, I will throw it away. 

My ex was diagnosed by two different therapists that she has BPD.  We went to a third one, and he said she didn't have BPD.  Guess which one she wanted to go to all the time? 

[HoneyB33]

Yeah, I'm still trying to get that. It's always really helpful with things like this post, and seeing SUCH similarities. This one really hit home, because I think those specific things were the ones my heart has been remembering. It's really hard when someone says "You make me feel terrible about myself" to know how to take that. But I am slowly getting there.

I think that totally makes sense. I asked because I think it's important for you to see that your desires are normal. Wanting something good means that you have a heart that cares and wants resolve. That's normal (and healthy). I think a lot of times we feel down on ourselves for wanting what would be normal. I'm glad that this can help strengthen your resolve for nc.

Lol, that's really funny. Well I'm glad that you know it's BPD. I didn't know for two years!

[Kelli Cornett]

I did as well
Background 4 month long distance relationship
I knew she was married and she said she was bi and estranged from her husband who was ill
Ultimately dumped on trip to Europe after being raged at and prior suicide speak and self harming event

Here's the letter
I know I'm the last person you want to hear from at this point. I know I hurt you deeply and I apologize with all,of my heart.

You deserve someone who can accept your kindness with a whole heart. You are a beautiful person inside and out (you know that, as do I)

I left Europe because I had to
The Sunday night I left our hotel room I was on the phone with my mother sister and the doctor that was treating (x) ... .Her husband

He fell into a coma Saturday afternoon and my sister flipped out on me that I wasn't there for him etc
I then slipped up and told my mother about us. She told me she nor my family would never accept it and that I was a disgusting disgrace and my grandma would spit on me if she were still alive

I was a mess
However I took it out on you. That was horribly wrong of me.
Again I'm not trying to make a case to excuse what I did to you. I'm just trying to establish some sort of closure

I love you. I always will. Please know that


I didn't respond

Two days later I get an email with the link to the song she kept listening to when she was suicidal

That worried me for her

FYI when she left she made no mention of the sick husband or family thing
Those are dubious at this point as I think she hooked up with some Italian guy

She had times where I think she was trying to tell me she was broken
I knew she had an eating disorder
I knew she used to cut herself
She told me a friend of her she met in treatment had BPD (maybe she meant herself)
She told me was wasn't a good person
She told me she pushes people away
She told me she hurts people

I didn't "see" it until she showed me and ouch it hurt

I'm angry at her for the love she gave and then took away
I'm angry at her for not being well or wanting to get help
I'm angry that I can't believe her and now have doubts about many of the things she told me

After the song I did email her back stating
I'm not certain why you sent me this I'm guessing it was a bad night
It worried me and I didn't know what to do with that
But I heard you this am so I know you're ok. ( she's a public person)

She email back
I'm everything but ok but hopefully it will be over soon


no idea what that means but ouch and a pit in my stomach
I know it's a game and I can't help
I'm not sure even what she means - pergola this refers to her husbands illness

Either way I also am angry that it went so far that it can't be healed

I started therapy this week and will continue but there is no escaping pain there is just going through it to get on the other side

[WhoMe51]

Brahmin,

I'm sorry that you went through such an experience.  These relationships are tough to overcome, but I believe going to therapy will help you navigate through the F.O.G.(fear obligation and guilt).  Therapy for me has been life saving along with this site.  I have learned so much about myself and why I do what I do. 

Give yourself some time and take care of yourself.  These relationships keep us so busy trying to make them work that we forget about ourselves and what we need.  And be patient with yourself.  When I first came to this site, I read everything I could read.  I found comfort in knowing that I wasn't alone.  I was sad that others had gone through the same pain as I had.  But I was also comforted in knowing that many had gotten through it.  That gave me hope again.  If they could do it, so could I.  And so can you.  You can do this.  It is painful, but it is also rewarding as you find the answers to the questions you have been asking all of your life. 

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Well said Rayban , I see nothing but projection on that letter . She is pointing all the faults onto you . They are good at blaming every bit of the relationship but they will never look within themselves. Same with my ex, everything she did or said to me she said was my fault . She kept saying that she reacted to my actions and words , she never admitted all the mental and physical abuse she put me thru. If the roles were reversed I would be in jail. I know it is really hard to get rid of these people but for your sanity let go of her WhoMe51.

Be careful with this statement " And maybe after some time and some healing, we can stand the sight of each other and be okay." I see it as a open ended statement .

Good luck.

[tammym1972]

Me too! I can really relate.

[enlighten me]

I too have witnessed the sane cycle of idolisation and davaluation with both of my uBPD exs.

In the idolisation phase we are the one we are perfect and we havent made any mistakes. We are their hope for happiness. They hope that they wont make the same mistakes of the past.

As the relationship calms down then insecurity creeps in. Our flaws are revealed and theirs start to be. Their issues which they have worked so hard to keep under control start to come out. They panic. They feel weve lied to them as we arent perfect and they also realise that they cant kerp their issues in check.

Some will end the relationship. Some will kerp it going until something better comes along. Others will keep it going until you leave. Some will try to recover it.

Rather tham look at the letter as a bad thing look at the positive. She cared for you enough to acknowledge that being with you hurt her. It hurt her because she was hurting someone she cared for. She knows she cant keep her behaviour in check. That one day it would erupt and she doesnt want you to see that because she wants you to like her. Her conflict is between loving you and letting her behavoour out.

My exgf once told me she wanted to one day be able to look at me without hating me. I had done nothing to be hated for so was confused but now im certain she hated me as I made her feel bad about herself. I was kind and caring yet she was unable to recipricate this so thought herself a bad person.

[heartandwhole]

Hi WhoMe51,

I can understand why you felt confused after receiving that letter. And how something like that can bring up a lot of feelings and memories.

I wonder if she was attempting to tell you something that I experienced in my relationship, and many others here have too: namely, that you became the trigger for her negative feelings (shame, guilt, badness, etc.). That can happen when a pwBPD gets very close to someone. The feelings can be overwhelming, thus the running away and saying that when she is with you, she feels bad. In my relationship, it got to the point that pwBPD projected that I was his (past) abuser. It's heartbreaking, really. But now I understand that it wasn't necessarily personal—we got really close and his past issues were triggered to a great degree. Mine were, too!

On the subject of her wanting you to accept her just as she is. Well, maybe you are doing just that. We can love and accept people and know that we can't be in a relationship with them.  

heartandwhole

[TheRose]

That letter is so painful to read. It made me sick to my stomach. Because in essence, it is everything my ex said in the last phase of our relationship. Just sick to my stomach.

After our relationship ended I sent her a message in which I apologized for all the wrongs I did. Although she was the one with BPD, I knew there were things I should have done differently. So I apologized. She never responded, never wrote me back. I never reached out to her again and she never reached our to me. It's been five weeks now. But reading this letter, I feel as if my ex would write the very same words if she ever were to write me.
I'm sorry you had to receive this letter from your ex.

[Reforming]

Hi Whoisme


My ex said similar things. She did not like who she was when she was with me. She was unfaithful, she was physically abusive but eventually in her mind I was her persecutor.

I think there's a lot of wisdom in heartandwhole's observations.

Hi WhoMe51,

I can understand why you felt confused after receiving that letter. And how something like that can bring up a lot of feelings and memories.

I wonder if she was attempting to tell you something that I experienced in my relationship, and many others here have too: namely, that you became the trigger for her negative feelings (shame, guilt, badness, etc.).

You could view this letter as an attempt from her to reengage  Or you could view this as a genuine admission of her illness. I think most pwPBD are aware that their relationships follow a pattern. They may not fully accept or understand why this happens but it causes them a lot of pain. This letter may be a transitory moment of clarity but your ex seems to be acknowledging that;

1. She needs to work on herself.
2. She does not have the ability to meet your needs.
3. She is not healthy enough to have a relationship with you.

I realise that the message may be hurtful but I would try and listen to her words with an open heart. This isn't a judgement on your qualities as a partner or a man. They are a realistic reflection on her ability to sustain a healthy romantic relationship with another person.

That might change in the future if she's is willing to work on her own healing. But her awareness may be fleeing and she may still struggle to find the resources she needs to go to therapy and do the work required. It's a huge challenge and even if she does this there are no guarantees that she will want to be in a relationship with you.

As Heartandwhole says we can detach respectfully with love in our hearts accepting that love alone isn't enough to sustain a healthy relationship.

Your great endeavour now is your own life and happiness.

Good luck

Reforming

[C.Stein]

That is a tough read WM51.  My ex didn't go into such explicit detail the last time I saw her but the implications were clear.

"I believe you are right that we need to quit.  It doesn't mean I don't love you because I do.  But I also know I must do a lot of internal healing and being with you makes me feel conflicted because before I did see you as perfectly made for me.  Now I don't know how I see you.  Sometimes it's with love and sometimes it's with a deep hurt.  This has been the worst relationship I have ever been in.  And being with you makes me feel bad about myself.

This says to me she built a fantasy around you and once reality set in she realized it really was a fantasy.  It also tells me she sees her true self in your eyes now.  This is an untenable state of being for a borderline.  If she is anything like my ex, she needs to surround herself with people who think only good of her.  She needs this because she defines herself based on how others see her.

[Pretty Woman]

Try to de-personalize that letter. Pull all emotion out and just read the words.

She is taking 0 responsibility and blaming you for her feeling bad.
She is being a jerk.

If she was so hurt she could have walked away long before this letter. You owe no apologies, in fact I wouldn't respond.

This is how they get into our heads. Everything is guised as "compassion" but when you strip away emotion and look at those words there is only one way to take what she is saying.

Being with you makes ME feel bad.

Ok, then find someone else.

Any response will fuel more of this shi__y blame game you don't deserve.

Stay strong and again, try to de-personalize. I know it's not easy.
 

[Anez]

Some really great points made by everybody on this thread. It's been good to go back and read them and realize even more just how ill my ex is.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be." "You aren't my savior. You can't fix me." those are some things I heard from her months after she kicked me to the curb. pretty much what you got in the letter and what we've all heard from our ex's.

and they're right, we can't save them. at all. i'm not sure they can even save themselves.

stay strong, folks!

[Rayban]

This is a great thread with some logical insight from the BPD family.  I've been thinking about this and there is a discernable pattern to madness of the exes who have been diagnosed or at the very least are self aware of the recurring pattern of intense dysfunctional romantic relationships that always end in chaos. I'll list some thoughts in point form.

1. They can't love because they don't love themselves.
2. For the diagnosed or self aware, they know they destroy relationships, and try to hurt those who attempt to love them.
3. Knowing this hurts so much that they must demonize those who have seen behind the mask and figured out that they are disordered.
4. I believe that with age they rather accept their faith, and then convince themselves that they weren't lucky in finding the one who would take care of them and make their life better, and keep repeating the pattern rather then dealing with the pain involved with proper treatment.
5. Sometimes I wish I had done like others and not have confronted her and just left and let it be.

[Skyglass]

Thank you for sharing that letter. I think it resonates for so many of us on this board. I know it definitely resonates with me. Those types of statements were very similar if not almost identical to what my exPwBPD said to me when our r/s was over. Stay strong!

[lovenature]

I see the opposing fears of engulfment and abandonment in her words; always go by what you have lived and learned, probably best to avoid any contact and give yourself the necessary time to detach and heal. The longer you are out, the clearer things become.

[Turkish]

It sounds like she's "rescuing" you,  but she may be wanting you to "rescue" her emotionally.  Definitely confusing.  My ex told me the other week that she told her husband (the guy she left me for) that the reason she left me was because she didn't like how she was treating me in front of our kids,  repeating the dynamic of her parents' marriage.  Nevermind that she is now doing it worse with him. 

As my T used to say, "there's maybe 15% truth to what she says." I got another apology text last night. Far different from what she said and wrote 3 years ago,  very similar to what yours wrote to you.  I remember it really angered me at the time.  The lingering attachment now just frustrates me.  I think my ex loves me still in some way.  I feel uncomfortable. I also see it more as need rather than love.  How do you see the words of your ex? 

[One key]

Why did she write this letter?
What was her objective?