Was your BPD ex ALWAYS the victim?

[WishIKnew82]

My ex was a victim ALWAYS. In the beginning, the trap I fell into, I felt really sorry for all the troubles he went through and all the people that betrayed him or treated him badly. I never condemned those people though because I always felt he was hypersensitive so it was probably not their fault but I still supported him and felt sorry that he had to endure so many problems with so many people.

I can't comprehend the fact that he never ever thinks to himself (unless when he was suicidal) what is wrong with him. I don't think there is one person in his life he didn't have arguments with. He would fight with everybody. Hold grudges for a very long time. I once started to talk to him when I thought he was a bit open to it. I asked him if he felt he had any part in all that went wrong in his life. I was delusional enough to think that he would open up to me. But he went ape___. The funny thing is, he can be really insightful in things he wants to be insightful about and also self critical but when it comes to the borderline and narcissistic part of him he is like a wall. Which is very manipulative because he can claim and boasted alot about being very in touch with himself and other people weren't. But he would use that all the time as some kind of reason why he cannot be wrong. Very manipulative because if you are smart and insightful, that means the person he was having a argument with must be wrong.

Did any of your exes act like a victim all the time and will they ever realize it is them! Not us.
I hate it that he still thinks I am to blame. I don't know why. I am doing way better then before so def a lot of progress but the fact that he is acting like a victim AGAIN but now with me victimizing him is just a punch in the gut after everything he put me through.

How do you guys deal with such a thing?

[TheRose]

Oh my ex was a victim as well. She would fight with everyone who would disagree with her. Me, her mom, her sister, her friend, just about everyone. She would yell and fight. And she would also fight with strangers at the drop of a hat.
Of course she felt like everyone she ever knew treated her bad. She was hurt by life, family, people. She lost trust because everyone hurt her. And everyone wanted to have sex with her (that's what she thought) and she felt empty and useless because of that. And she felt lonely all the time. My ex was hyper, hypersensitive. I have never met anyone as sensitive as her.

And if she was angry at someone I couldn't just say "Well maybe if you look at it this way, then... ."
If I said something like that, she would lash out because that meant I was against her. So... .yeah. Victim. All throughout our relationship.
  

[JerryRG]

Great topic WishIKnew82

Yes indeed, perpetual victim status, always everyone else's fault. Problem is not just with her or others with BPD and various mental illnesses. Our society has created an industry to help sustain the victim mentality for anyone who refuses to take responsibility for themselves.

I got caught up in this myself, I can always find someone to pity me, make excuses and tell me I'm a victum.

The tragedy is as long as we are victims, we give our power away to do what only we can do, fix ourselves.

No one else is responsible for our choices, our laziness, our self pity, selfishness or immaturity.

My exgf is the poor pitiful waif who just can't survive this cruel and awful life. I and so many others just haven't understood her special circumstances and we just don't fight hard enough to protect her from... .(fill in the blank)

Truth is, she's the only one who can help herself, she just doesn't want to or, at best doesn't believe she needs help, that narcissist/borderline mix.

Anyway, great topic, just my experience for what it's worth.

[flourdust]

Always. Victimized by me, victimized by her family, by coworkers and bosses, by friends, by social groups. Her pattern was to feel she was treated unjustly, to lash out nastily, and to feel victimized by the retribution and shunning that she earned.

[stimpy]

Yes, always the perpetual vicitim.

One of the very first things she ever said to me was how terrible her mother was to her. And then shortly after how terrible her now ex-husband was to her, and then how terrible her first serious boyfriend was to her after that, oh and then how terrible her most recent boyfriend was to her, and how her last neighbours were horrible and noisey and anti-social and then to cap it off, how she hated her work.

I'm sure I'm on that same list, as she gets older I'm sure the list gets longer!

As for her job, when I tried to offer her options and ideas, every single one of them just got brushed aside.

I asked my therapist once as to why she would stay with her last boyfriend, who she stayed with for 7 years, even though the relationship had to all intents and purposes collapsed after only a short time.

My therapist said that she would enjoy being the victim, so that she could attract attention and feel sorry for herself and not have to take responsibility for her own life. It was always someone elses fault, and what was worse about it, was that she then felt entitled to punish all these awful people. I know she treats her mother like crap, and even almost brags about it, not just me when I knew her, but to other people as well. What's even more scary is somehow she has managed to get legal control of her mother's finances and she now gives her mother a monthly allowance (of her mother's own money) to live on.

While I write this down in black and white, I realise how insidious and scary the whole thing is.

[flourdust]

I'm sure I'm on that same list, as she gets older I'm sure the list gets longer! 

Yes. I have to imagine that, for pwBPD, every minor annoyance becomes personalized and personal. Guy at the coffee kiosk gets her order wrong? Well, that's a personal slight, and now she hates that guy and will be rude to him every time she gets coffee. The list just keeps growing and growing. It must be exhausting and frightening to be surrounded by so many enemies.

[Pretty Woman]

Pretty much. I think she said sorry once but it was followed by, but... .

But you were being such an ass
But you made me do it
But you are un trustworthy and unreliable

Lots of buts.

[SummerStorm]

Pretty much. I think she said sorry once but it was followed by, but... .

But you were being such an ass
But you made me do it
But you are un trustworthy and unreliable

Lots of buts.

My BPD friend doesn't apologize for anything.  And, to cap it off, the reason she refuses to apologize is because, according to her, the person obviously deserved it.  Several months ago, she got mad at her mom and called some ridiculous inappropriate name.  I can't even remember what it was, but it was one of those where you kind of combine two words to make a name (like "B____h Face" or something).  But anyway, after a short period of silent treatment, sort of started by both of them, her mom confronted her about it and said it was an awful name for someone to call her mother.  My BPD friend's response was, "Well, you were acting like one."  Of course, her perception of what her mom had said and done was way off, but she twisted reality to meet her needs. 

We used to work together, two years ago.  She was student teaching, and the principal called her down to tell her that she needed to dress more professionally.  Well, she would not let that go and kept complaining about it for months.  She wasn't even being reprimanded.  It was literally a quick, "Wear dresses that cover more of your shoulders" directive. 

[Cynthia]

I could have written your post word for word  IWishIKnew82. A Description of my ex to a T.

[joeramabeme]

Yes, my ex acted like the victim all the time.  Apparently there is a tole that everyone plays in a relationship and this site offers an article about these roles; Karpman Triangle

In the end, playing victim is just another form of control - that we willingly offer up by playing the role of Rescuer or Perpetrator in the triangle.

How do I deal with it?  I think the answer is to stop playing my role.  Unfortunately, this also ends the relationship as I know it.  She will ultimately move on to the next triangulation that allows her to keep being the victim.

[Confusedpe]

All cluster B personality disorders have the professional victim element embedded within them

Remember if they are not ALWAYS the victim they probably don't have BPD

[Confused108]

Well in my case my ex played the victim in the very beginning to rope me back into a relationship. She played the victim so well I was  feeling so so sorry for her. Claiming everyone cheated on her. She was abused by her brother and his friend as a young girl. One of her exs raped her. Her family did t understand her and the list and of course lies go on and on. The molesting and rape were lies as well. As I'm sure that all her exs cheated on her.  And of course NOTHiNG was ever her fault. It was always someone  else.

[Kelli Cornett]

For me, learning about the Karpman drama triangle was huge in understanding the whole BPD thing and the constant cycles of behavior of my uBPDw.

She always kept herself in the victim position in the triangle, and I was cycled from the rescuer to the persecutor role. Whenever I got cycled to the persecutor role and got devalued/discarded, there was always someone/something new or recycled in her life that took the place of the idealized rescuer. Sometimes it was a new friend, sometimes a recycled friend, sometimes a new job, or sometimes it was some new/recycled spirituality.

But just like you can count on the sun rising in the morning and setting in the evening, her life would always follow this pattern.

[JSF13]

Always the victim. ALWAYS. Her dad, her mom, her ex husband, every single boyfriend, every friend. She never did anything EVER. I'll tell you after 2 yrs of being with her and all the abuse both physical and mental she put me through I would rather do a month in prison over a week with her.

[stimpy]

For me, learning about the Karpman drama triangle was huge in understanding the whole BPD thing and the constant cycles of behavior of my uBPDw.

Yes, this helped me too. Looking back we went round and round the Victim / Rescuer / Persecutor all the time. We had good days, even good weeks, but somehow she just couldn't stop herself from doing something that would set off the whole cycle again.

At the start she portrayed herself totally as being the victim, and if I'm honest, I enjoyed the thought of being the guy who would treat her well, treat her properly and yes, rescue this poor girl from her terrible misfortune and bad luck. By the end, she revelled in being my persecutor, trying to humiliate me in public, trying to provoke me into doing something dumb, insulting me, etc... .etc... .

Luckily I just about kept it together and didn't respond.

The worst experience of my life.

[Fr4nz]

I think there's a strong delusional component that brings BPD sufferers to assume the role victims. It's a defense mechanism.

Said in other words: just look at the amount of failures they had in their lives, that is, romantic relationships failed, friendships failed, loss of jobs, etc.

In the end, in order to cope with this amount of failures one has to be delusional to not have a complete meltdown.

As for my personal experience: yes, when things went bad, she always had to blame the ex, the friend, the ex boss, etc. It was never her fault.

[Kelli Cornett]

The narcissistic false self of the pwBPD, rarely (if ever) allows them to place any blame on themselves. They just project their anxieties, frustrations, and failures onto the next object (partner), which protects them from their core pain and allows them to continue the cycle.

The more you read and learn about the disorder, the more you understand the craziness of being involved with a pwBPD. It doesn't eliminate the pain that comes from their hurtful behaviors and the eventual discard, but at least it answers a lot of the questions we're left with.

When it comes to the eventual end of a r/s with a pwBPD, we basically have to provide our own closure.

[JerryRG]

I agree Fr4nz

I was told it was the power of my own delusional thinking that kept me in a horrible toxic and dangerous relationship. Denial is powerful and it takes work and honest people in our lives to challenge our thinking.

I told my sponsor yesterday that my exgf tells me her life is better now, he told me I was just lying to myself.

My next question is why would I think like this? I guess part of me wants her well so she treats me better, stops the crazy lies and we can get along as adults.

[Fr4nz]

Jerry, the sad thruth is... .you cannot fully reason with them. They're disordered.

Only therapy can offer them an healthier perspective about their lives; unfortunately, that requires to recognize their life is dysfunctional and to act on it, which is very rare.

Overall, it's very sad for every party involved.

[WishIKnew82]

Thank all of you guys for replying. It means a lot! It also gives me more insight which is great cause sometimes it is all too overwhelming going over it all by myself.

I can't believe how alike they are on some levels. Them acting like a victim has no bounderies and they can't seem to connect the dots when it comes to all the failures and dysfunction in their lives. It is truly mind boggling now that I can look at it from a distance.

But there is also a part of me that always questions how one can go down the rabbit hole so easy with them. It went so fast and totally unexpected. Like our two worlds just went into one, his world. I have strong co-dependent tendencies so I know I really have to work on that myself. But the appeal will never not be there when I think of him. I just know now that it is not worth the hell I've been through. It is like a drug in a sense. A destructive drug that will destroy your life, a drug that you will do everything for just to get a new high and when you overdosed there is nothing there. Just you and the mess you let yourself create because of that drug.