Breaking the cycle - extinction burst

[coworkerfriend]

Hi - as I have posted before, we have been stuck in a cycle for the past few months.  Something trivial triggers him and he flips out and goes to bed.

 This cycle has been so consistent - it happens on a Wednesday afternoon or Thursday am - it can be something simple like too much traffic, a client says something to upset him or today's "incident" which was having to wait 20 minutes for a client appointment.  Once he goes to bed, I get the first call that he is sick - can't eat and is going to bed.  Then get a call between 6 and 7pm that he is really sick and I should not have dinner with him.  I don't make dinner and I stopped bringing him food.  Next, I get a call at 10pm, that he is weak and hasn't eaten.  I stopped answering that call because it is always the same.  Texts follow between 10 and midnight telling me he hates his life - he won't be in to work and he is done.  Next day, he texts or calls late morning to tell me he is still sick and in bed.   I have had a very bad habit in the past of reinforcing the behavior - bringing him coffee/food - stopping by his house to check on him. I know that I shouldn't have been doing that - I know I have been making it worse. 

Last week, the cycle started Wednesday afternoon.  I didn't answer his calls on Wednesday.  On Thursday, he stayed home - texted me he was really sick - that he has no food - that no one cares for him.  I didn't respond.  I did not answer his texts and I turned my phone off that night.  On Friday, he texted he couldn't come to work - I responded ok and left it at that.  He called at 6 and left me a message that he didn't eat for two days.  I didn't respond.  At 7:30, he came to the office - I was still working and he was super mad that I didn't answer his calls.  I really didn't respond to him - other than to say that I was sorry he was feeling bad.  He started to push my buttons - telling me that i didn't care and that he was going to find someone who does care.  He kept pushing and pushing and I finally said -why are you doing this - why can't we have a normal life.  That infuriated him and he left.  45 minutes later, he came back to the office with take out food and said that if I couldn't take care of him, he would have to take care of himself.  He asked me to eat dinner with him - I did but we barely spoke.  We went home to our separate houses that night. 

The next day, he was completely back to "normal" and apologized for his behavior.  We talked about it over the weekend - he said he can't stand that he can't control himself.  He said that he appreciates that I don't hold a grudge and that I support him working through this. He is very self aware and it seems like he hates this cycle as much as I do but he is powerless to stop it.  He said that when I asked him why we can't have a normal life, something snapped in his head.  He said he wants a normal life as much as I do.  The part that I found interesting on Saturday was that he was so bored in bed, he got up and did a bunch of fix-it projects around the house.  He heated up a frozen pizza - made himself some soup.  He was very nonchalant about telling me the things he fixed - he said he was mentally sick but he couldn't just lay there in bed anymore.  I drove by his house on the way home from work earlier than he expected me to (we live on the same street but in different houses for our kids sake) and the lights were on.  Later, when I went to pick up my kid from a school activity, the entire house was dark.  He knew that I would drive by at that time and I am sure he turned the lights off to make me think he was in bed the entire time. The entire thing seems so calculated to me. 

With all that being said, he is back in bed now.  I got the "I'm sick" call and that he can't eat.  I do not want to make this worse.  Is this an extinction burst - anyone have any ideas how this passes?  Do I just keep doing what I am doing?  I want this cycle to end.  It is exhausting.  Work has been super busy and he has barely been around to help.  We even talked about it this morning - he went to his therapist and they reviewed his file - the therapist told him he has made some really good progress this year. He said at lunchtime he can feel himself on the edge and that there was a 50/50 chance that they day would go bad.    I guess I lose track of the overall progress because the day to day can be so draining.  I  don't want to keep this cycle going - but I do feel very powerless to do anything about it.

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[ArleighBurke]

He *may* have had enough of work by Wednesday - I certainly have! But i guess any cycle that gets him attention will probably keep going. It's good you identify that you probably enabled him in the past.

I'm not sure that completly ignoring him is the way to go, but I havn't had to deal with this. I would think that when he first txts you saying he is sick/going home/to bed that you respond with kinds words "sorry to hear that - hope you get better soon", perhaps even telling him something he can look forwrd to "tell me when you are better so i can come over" or "hope you will be OK by our date Thu night" - then don't answer any more calls/txt.

He'll probably keep going for a while before he realises that he's not getting any attention and stops. 

[livednlearned]

he came back to the office with take out food and said that if I couldn't take care of him, he would have to take care of himself.  

This is a good example of how you changing your behavior helps him change his.

People with BPD tend to feel that they aren't capable, and even actively look for proof from that they are incapable. And yet get angry when we don't treat them like they are.

He will probably feel better when you help him see he is capable. He may not thank you, exactly  

One thing that might help is to ask validating questions. When he says he hasn't eaten for two days, you could answer, "How did you stand that?" Accept and acknowledge his thought/feeling/action, and then gently turn the focus on what he did to abide it, or fix it, or what thoughts he has going forward about his situation.

Or, something else that can be helpful is to shape positive behavior by pointing it out when it happens. "Good that  you got something to eat when you were hungry, that's taking good care of yourself."

[Grey Kitty]

LnL's suggestions sound good to me

When he's telling you he won't eat, he's trying to get you to respond, give him attention, and if you do, you are teaching him that it works. Whether the attention 'good' or 'bad' it still works for him. Trying to bring him food (which he will likely reject), or trying to "make" him take good care of himself teaches him that this strategy "works", and you will see more of it.

Turning your phone off helped you. You might try "muting" him both for calls and texts until the next day when he does this when you get the first "I'm sick, I can't eat, I'm going to bed" call. That way you don't have to be out of communication with the rest of the world if you don't want to.

Upon getting that first call I might even say something like "Since you need your rest, I won't keep you from it tonight. Have a good night."   

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks so much for all the suggestions. I really appreciate it.

I got the 11am call that he is sick - I said I am sorry to hear that - I hope you feel better.  He said - what do you care and he hung up.  I really felt like calling him back but I didn't.  I know that would have escalated the cycle.

He came to the office at 3pm.  He told me he hates his life - he is trapped and depressed.  He didn't eat last night and can not eat today.  He made a few comments about having chest pain all day and all night yesterday.  I didn't say anything and I didn't offer him food.  I said that he isn't trapped - we have two choices - we can work together to try to figure things out or we can decide not to be together.   Neither one of us is trapped.  He said give it time - he will turn off all his emotions and go through life with me being depressed.  I said that won't work for me.  He made some comment about how he does everything for everyone and it was all I could do to bite my tongue.  That is so far from the truth - it made my head spin.  He got mad - said that I am the most cold hearted person he ever met.  I said he has to stop running to bed.  That isn't working and I went back to my office.  He got up and left without saying a word. 

I know that my past behaviors of babying him - getting him food that he refuses to eat - trying to "fix" an unfixable situation made this worse.  I keep a calendar of his moods - I started it last year, mostly to keep perspective.  I tended to downplay his bad days or maybe I just blocked them out and I wanted to know if we had more good than bad.  Every Thursday (except 2) for September and October, he has had bad days.  It almost always continues into Friday.

I feel like I am coming to a point in my life where I have some hard choices to make.  I am overworked - I handle the work for both of us.  I take care of our homes - I take care of the kids (two are in college and only one is home with me now) Our business is very successful but I know I can not maintain this schedule forever.  His promises to help and work more never happen.   His bad days are a distraction and a drain. Over the past 4 years that I have known about BPD, I do feel like I have made some changes to improve things but there is always something new that comes up.  I have always felt committed to staying for many reasons - I know at first I was committed to staying out of fear that our business would fail if I left - I stayed out of fear that I couldn't run the business by myself.   He has said to me many times in the past that he loves me so much that he will leave me to save me.  I don't know if I believe him anymore.  I guess I feel like I don't know what to believe.  I stay because I love him and as foolish as this sounds, I always hope things will get better.   I think I need to accept that it wont get better.  This is what it is. 

Sorry this is rambly and sort of off topic.  I want this cycle to pass.  But I do know that even when it does, there will be something else I will need to deal with.

[coworkerfriend]

He started calling me a few minutes ago.  I ignored 10 calls and I picked up the 11th.  I am so mad at myself.  I should not have answered. 

He is furious - he is done with me - he hasn't eaten - he is going to move on with his life.   I have heard this on a weekly basis for what feels like forever.  He is constantly ending it.  He is constantly threatening to go back to his ex wife.  I don't make him dinners - I don't care about him - gosh, it never changes. 

I was calm.  I said I am tired of him pushing me away on a weekly basis and going to bed.  That he has to change this.  He went off about not eating again and I didn't say a word.  He ranted for a few minutes more about it being over and hung up on me.   I shouldn't have answered the call.  I know better. 

I am mad now - I am mad at him and I am mad at myself.  It is hard to let it go all the time - it gets hard to wait for it to pass all the time.  I don't know if I am being unreasonable in my expectations.  I don't know anymore.

[Grey Kitty]

I feel like I am coming to a point in my life where I have some hard choices to make.  I am overworked - I handle the work for both of us.  I take care of our homes - I take care of the kids (two are in college and only one is home with me now) Our business is very successful but I know I can not maintain this schedule forever. 

I'd suggest start with easier choices instead of harder ones.

You're taking a new approach to his dysfunctional cycle of being sick / not eating / making himself sick.

Give it a few more weeks. He will realize that this crap doesn't work to manipulate you, and you will start to believe in your heart that it really isn't going to harm you, and you don't need to be afraid of it. (More like "Here we go again... ." the way you would be about hitting the same traffic jam on the way to work that you hit 3~5 days a week.)

The other thing you can do is stop taking care of his home and his other needs. You are getting burnt out by doing too much; That will lighten your load a little too.

... .

If you and he find a new equilibrium like that after a month or two [several weekly cycles], it would be a better time to re-evaluate the shared business.

Or if you spend a few months working on it and fail to make progress, again, it will be a good time to re-evaluate too.

[Grey Kitty]

Cross-posted with this... .

He started calling me a few minutes ago.  I ignored 10 calls and I picked up the 11th.  I am so mad at myself.  I should not have answered. 

Please, be gentle with yourself. It is a hard lesson for you to learn. You are getting better, and will continue to get better. A couple weeks ago, you wouldn't have held out for 10 calls.

You can do better next week.

It is OK that you aren't perfect yet. 

[ArleighBurke]

Be kind to youself - every new skill takes time to master!

I said I am tired of him pushing me away on a weekly basis and going to bed.  That he has to change this.

Be careful about this. You are telling him how to behave. A better approach is to tell him how YOU will behave, based on his actions.

• "Every week when you go to bed you are pushing me away. *I* feel like we are not a team, and are not connected. So from now one, whenever you do that *I* will not be answering your calls or texts".
• "Every week when you go to bed you are pushing me away. It makes me feel like we are not connected. So from now one, I choose to only engage with you when you are feeling healthy".

These statements do not ask/tell him to do anything. They simply tell him how YOU will behave. These are YOUR boundaries. Perhaps he will change his behaviour, perhaps he won't. It doesn't matter. If you tell him how to behave, you are giving him the power. By telling him how YOU will behave - YOU hold the power.

[Grey Kitty]

If you tell him how to behave, you are giving him the power. By telling him how YOU will behave - YOU hold the power.

   Yes.

And showing him that you will behave that way consistently is more important than telling him. Generally, the more times it comes up, the less you need to say about it or will want to speak about it.

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you so much for the suggestions and for being here for me.  During times like this, I feel so alone.  This forum is a lifeline for me.

Today went downhill very fast.  He called this am - I answered - he asked me a question which I answered and he hung up on me.  He came in at 2pm.  He went on to tell me how "sick" he is and how much he hates his life.  He doesn't want to be with me anymore - I make him miserable but he is trapped by our business and our personal relationship. He was furious that I didn't check on him Wednesday night or Thursday night.  He said he can't live like this anymore.   I did not say much at all.  I tried to validate but he was too far gone.  He started to go off on how he thinks I am a bad parent - how I spoil my kids and how he can't do anything about it.  I bit my tongue - asked if there was anything else he wanted to talk about - he said no and I went into my office.  I started to work and he came in a couple of times to tell me how he has made himself sick by not eating.  I mentioned that there is food at his house - he could eat whatever he wants. Of course, that set him off.  He said I have made his life completely miserable - he fakes any time that he ever seems happy - that he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all with me.  I got up and went to the bathroom.   I stated in there for about 10-15 minutes - I did not want to talk to him...   He started to get more and more agitated - he was looking for things to fight with me about.  He kept working himself up - coming into my office to go off and I kept walking away.  After a while, he went to the kitchen and saw the lunch I ordered - he said that of course I am taking care of myself by getting food that I don't care about anyone but myself.  He called me a F****** B**** and left.  When he is in a good place, he tells me that he puts me into these no win situations - he tells me there is nothing I can do.  Even though I know all this, it still hurt today. 

Today, it feels like I made things a thousand times worse - and his words stung.  He pushed all my buttons.  I know how this works.  I have been through days like today more times than I can remember.  I am hurt and tired.  I feel like I somehow reward this behavior and have done that for years.  I  I know I need to focus on me.  I feel so deeply stuck right now. 

[Grey Kitty]

He was furious that I didn't check on him Wednesday night or Thursday night.  He said he can't live like this anymore.   I did not say much at all.  I tried to validate but he was too far gone.  He started to go off on how he thinks I am a bad parent - how I spoil my kids and how he can't do anything about it.

That's a difficult (as in likely to fail!) and advanced time to validate... .when he's already spooled up most of the way into a dysregulation. I'm not sure I'd even bother with that.

Validation works best if you just keep your mind open looking for opportunities, especially when he's NOT upset... .or perhaps when he's mildly upset/hurt/distressed/frustrated by something that is completely unrelated to you. (and is NOT trying to blame you for it    )

It isn't so much that it calms him down immediately... .it just generally lowers the temperature/pressure.

... .when he is upset now, and especially when he's trying to blame you / attack you / etc., I think the best tool is boundary enforcement, not validation. Remove yourself from the conversation. Say goodbye and hangup. Leave his office. Ask him to leave your office. Whatever fits the situation. And do it sooner, not later. I think you know this... .keep working on it; you can get better and more consistent about it.


You might want to try a new boundary to enforce. Here's what I'm thinking.

Most of these arguments and abuse starts around him not eating, or yelling at you for not providing food / not caring that he's sick because he won't eat.

Doesn't seem worth it.

Stop eating with him, and stop discussing what he is or isn't eating. And tell him that you are DONE. That you won't eat with him, and you won't talk with him about what he is or isn't eating.

I doubt this will help you if you try to do it just on "bad days" and relax it on "good days". I'd plan on trying it for a month or more. What do you think?

[patientandclear]

But ... .My sense is that eating is just a randomly selected venue/topic for this behavior, and if CWF eliminates eating as the forum through which he seeks control, there will be another.

[C.Stein]

Today, it feels like I made things a thousand times worse - and his words stung.  He pushed all my buttons.  I know how this works.  I have been through days like today more times than I can remember.  I am hurt and tired.  I feel like I somehow reward this behavior and have done that for years.  I  I know I need to focus on me.  I feel so deeply stuck right now.  

You are his whipping post, reliably there when he needs something to whip.  This will only change when you decide to not be his whipping post anymore.

I agree with GK, validation won't work here and if anything it will fuel the fire IMO.  Boundaries is what you need as GK pointed out.  The first boundary I would put in place is respect.  He either treats you with respect or you cannot interact with him, at all.  This doesn't mean just sitting there letting him unload on you either because IMO that is enabling him.  It means literally removing yourself (the whipping post) physically so he doesn't have anything to whip.  

[waverider]

I was calm.  I said I am tired of him pushing me away on a weekly basis and going to bed.  That he has to change this.  He went off about not eating again and I didn't say a word.  He ranted for a few minutes more about it being over and hung up on me.   I shouldn't have answered the call.  I know better. 

This is trigger, it is both a direct criticism and controlling demand. He doesn't have to change anything, only thing you can change is your interaction with it.

As far as the cyclical behavior goes, best to acknowledge your hear him, as opposed to ignore him. Then do nothing about it. It keeps you emotions out of it and reduces your stress. Ignoring people is also a stresser too as it takes willpower and energy

Going to bed as an avoidance coping tool is something my wife does almost daily, the "sickie" is just a way of attaching a physical excuse to an emotional reaction. Do not engage in the physical excuses as they are just red herrings, and potential channels for projection if you connect.

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you all for responding and providing me with some much needed insight.  I know my own emotional needs lead me to dealing with these episodes in a way that makes things worse.  The insights and support provided have really got me thinking about my role in this cycle.

I am going to try and acknowledge that I hear him but do nothing.  That tends to be a problem area for me due to feeling like I need to "fix" a situation that is not fixable.  It makes sense that going to bed allows him to avoid feeling what he is feeling.  I know that P&C is correct in thinking that once we move past the refusing to eat, he will find other ways to try and control the situation. 

On Saturday, the episode had passed.  He called me a number of times but I didn't have my phone with me and I didn't get the calls until later that day.  I called him back - he apologized and asked me to come over and talk.  He apologized for lashing out at me - for the horrible things he said.  I always accept his apology in hopes that we can move forward. 

[livednlearned]

I know my own emotional needs lead me to dealing with these episodes in a way that makes things worse. 

This makes you human 

I know that my BPD loved one has taught me to be very dedicated in my self-care, not only because it is the loving thing to do for myself, but because it also means I can bring my A game when dealing with my loved ones.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Well, he wants to be soothed like an infant by his mother.  I do not mean this as a snarky comment, I mean it in a literal sense; as to what his expectations are.  He may not have verbalized his needs to you (and himself) nor his expectations from you in such a clear manner.  His pain emanates from a central core place that is so primeval and fundamentally embedded in the core of his psyche that you can do anything and everything for him and this core wound would still not heal.  Only he has the power to do so with not just an acknowledgment and apology that he behaved badly but also with the logical next step... .as to rigorously pursuing DBT therapy. 

Sadly, if you research and offer him solutions, it would be controlling and then your role in his mind would change from an imperfect nurturer to a persecutor.

We are all here to assist you in this journey.  This is a process--it is not as though there is a magical bullet.  Your intuition will direct you as to what we say is pertinent, relevant to your situation and helpful and what is not... .do follow that little voice inside you.  It will guide you in the right direction.

In all this swirling chaos... .self care and care of your children is a must.  That is something you cannot afford to lose sight of.  A child like adult needs to take a second seat to a child... .and a care giver must replenish her/his own self or else the well will run dry.  This is not selfishness, self centeredness, heartlessness, lack of empathy ... .it is simply an acknowledgment of human limitations. 

[waverider]

  I know that P&C is correct in thinking that once we move past the refusing to eat, he will find other ways to try and control the situation. 

This may be true, but the longer he is allowed to fixate on an issue the more he consolidates his view that it is a valid issue, and ultimately the harder it is not to take it on board. The more the issues shift the easier it is to accept that it is behavior based rather than issue based.

If you chip away at a wall with an ice pick on the same spot continuously eventually it will break through, a personal boundary is the same.

[coworkerfriend]

I really appreciate the insight everyone has provided me.  This is a journey - it has been a long journey since I discovered bpdfamily in September 2012. 

Pallavirajsinghani - thank you for your comments  - it makes perfect sense to me and that is actually how it feels sometimes.  His pain comes from such a deep place inside him.  He has been going to therapy for years and continues to go every other week.  I do not know if he is working on DBT - I don't ask any questions about therapy at all.  He does talk about it from time to time but only in a passing reference to something.   He has mentioned a number of times that his therapist wants him to talk more about his past which does cause him great pain when he does.  I think that his therapist may have been pushing him the last few months.  I really don't know. 

I have a hard time trusting myself when it comes to dealing with his bad episodes.  I have been thinking quite a bit about that.  Today is Wednesday  and Wednesday afternoons have been the start to the cycle for the past month or so.  I have decided that if he goes off this week, I am going to acknowledge him and then just go about my business.  I am going to do my best to not get caught up in the drama. 

[coworkerfriend]

Well, we had 7 "good" days - normal days - seemingly happy days.  We worked - spent time together - socialized with friends Saturday night.  We enjoyed our days. 

Yesterday, we were having coffee - talking about our plans for yard work for the day.  He was telling me how happy I make him - how much he likes being with me - doing things with me.  His ex wife called.  He went upstairs and was on the phone with her for an hour.  When he came back down, he apologized for being on the phone so long.  I asked if everything is ok with her - he said same old thing - she is fine.  I started to make breakfast - and within 15 minutes, I was taking too long - he couldn't eat and went to bed. 

I went upstairs - I said I was sorry he isn't feeling well and I left.  I spent the day at my house -doing yard work, cleaning and errands.  At 9:30, he called - which is always the times he calls if I don't show up earlier.  I was asleep and didn't see the call this am. 

I called him this morning to say I was sorry I missed his call.  He said he is sick and tired of his life.  That I had promised to make changes to help him and that I am a liar and I never do anything I say.  It was really hard for me not to take the bait - I wanted to defend myself.  He said that he can't believe i did it again - I let him stay in bed all day.  I said to him that I am sorry he isn't feeling well and let me know if there is anything i could do.  He went off that I have done enough damage to his life - that I am full of empty promises and he is unhappy.  He said he spent the night thinking about suicide since he is so miserable and nothing ever gets better.  I listened - feeling sick to my stomach about the whole thing and he hung up.

He came into the office about an hour ago - apparently to fight with me.  He came into my office - repeated all the things he said this am.  I literally did not say one word.  I got up after 5 minutes and I went to the bathroom.  When I got back to my desk, he walked in and said he is done for the day and will not be in the rest of the week and left.

Honestly, I am doing my best to let the words go.  To not take personally all the awful things he says.  I am doing my best to not make the situation worse - to stay away from him so he doesn't dump on me.  Part of me wonders if I reward his bad behavior, when the episode passes, I accept his apology and try to put it behind me.  It never leaves my mind.  It happens too often to ever leave my mind. 

Last week, he said I am good for him since I don't take his sh**.  I was surprised to hear that because I feel like all I ever do is take it.  Part of me does still try to make sense of the nonsense.  I know that is not helping me at all.  I feel unsettled and that he is wearing me down.  I feel like I just don't know what to do anymore.  Is there something I should be doing?  Is this just my life and I need to accept it? 

[ArleighBurke]

Stay strong! Living with a BPD is difficult, but as you learn things get easier... .

He said that he can't believe i did it again - I let him stay in bed all day.  I said to him that I am sorry he isn't feeling well and let me know if there is anything i could do. 

It's good that you "don't take the bait" and that you respond with empathy. That will help. But the third crucial part of SET is the T part - Truth. So responding with empathy ("Sorry you aren't feeling well" and Support ("let me know if there is anything I can do" is great - where is the truth? For this particular incident, I would add something like "It's not my job to wake you up. You are a capable person - I know you can set yourself an alarm." (Take the opportunity to make it positive if you can - remind him he is capable).

He came into the office about an hour ago - apparently to fight with me... .I literally did not say one word.  I got up after 5 minutes and I went to the bathroom. 

It is great that you can take care of yourself - walking away without biting back takes a lot of strength. However, walking away without any words can also be invalidating and trigger his abandonment feelings. It would be better if you could say something supportive (to make him feel heard), then explain why you are leaving ("I need to clear my head - I'll be back in a few minutes". I think that will help soothe him again.

But really - you are progressing well and I don't want to discredit you - what I am suggesting is the "next step".

I am doing my best to not make the situation worse - to stay away from him so he doesn't dump on me.

I think they will continue to "dump on you" until they feel heard. It's strange - it's like they have this big rock of emotional burden they carry around with them. They cannot put it down (they cannot process it). So they seek to pass it on to someone else. They  talk to you to try to pass it on, but it will only pass if they FEEL heard. And once you are carrying their rock you need to choose whether to keep carrying the rock yourself, or to drop it.

[livednlearned]

I wonder if validating questions might work better when he tries to saddle you with work that only he can truly do, like getting out of bed 

There is a double bind dynamic with a lot of BPD sufferers, where there is a crushing sense of inadequacy and a desperate need to feel adequate. Validating questions can be a way to straddle that double bind. They help acknowledge that sense of inadequacy while expressing faith in their ability to take necessary steps. And relieve you of the burden to solve things for them.

This is actually the hardest part, in my experience. I have to fight the urge to just fix it or solve it, and center myself. Let the feelings of wanting to control the outcome go and give my BPD loved one the space to experience adequacy.

[waverider]

I found I have to ramp up boundaries with repetitive behaviors. Otherwise behaving badly, followed by a short period of disengagement, then swept under the carpet, simply absolves and refreshes them, it doesn't break the cycle.

I think having a relationship with someone you also work with ultimately is disempowering you. Not turning up for work is a payback control tactic, and not only simply about his inability to face the day.

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you for the responses - it helps to have insight - I am too deep in the situation. 

I am going to work on adding T - truth to the SET that i have been doing.  I didn't realize that I was I was doing when I was responding to him. 

How do I ramp up my boundaries?   I know that what I am doing know is continuing the cycle and it is really bringing me down.   I do feel like his refusal to work - refusal to eat is his attempt at control.  I am struggling with what my boundaries are in regards to work.  I know I have boundaries with being raged at.  I am feeling very lost lately.  I daily fight the urge to fix problems.  I am trying to stay strong but I am feeling down. 

[Grey Kitty]

You can't make him eat.

You don't have to watch him refuse.
You don't have to accept the blame for him not eating.
You can refuse to participate in any circular arguments about not eating.

If you are feeling compassionate, you can validate how unpleasant his experience (not eating) is... .and not bother telling him that he is making the choice to be miserable--you've already said it a thousand times, the thousand-and-first time won't have magic results.

And if you are feeling exhausted, frustrated, and lost, chances are you won't be able to validate sincerely, so just take space away from him.

Substitute "sleep" and "work" for "eat" and read it again.

In your shoes, I would expand your boundaries. Continue removing yourself from his rages. Also remove yourself from this crap where he tries to project guilt onto you for his choice not to take care of himself.

It is clearly tearing you apart.  Protect yourself from it.

[coworkerfriend]

You are right, GK - it is tearing me apart. 

He called this am.  I put a wineglass in the wrong spot in the cupboard.  It fell and shattered.  He went off in a rage like I haven't heard in a while.  The call only lasted a few minutes but I feel like I was kicked in the gut.   I made a mistake - I put the glass in the wrong spot.  I offered to come over and wash the floor - help him clean up but that only agitated him more.  He was horrible.

I feel like I can't think clearly about our life together.  I am having such a hard time staying strong - letting things go.  I feel like I completely lost my focus and myself lately.  It is like we clear one hurdle - I get a break and another comes up in its place.  He is idealizing his life with his ex wife - he tells me he is thinking about reconnecting with her.  He knows how to hurt me and he doesn't hesitate to do that.

I need to define my boundaries - I need to expand them.  I am having a hard time protecting myself.

[waverider]

He called this am.  I put a wineglass in the wrong spot in the cupboard.  It fell and shattered.  He went off in a rage like I haven't heard in a while.  The call only lasted a few minutes but I feel like I was kicked in the gut.   I made a mistake - I put the glass in the wrong spot.  I offered to come over and wash the floor - help him clean up but that only agitated him more.  He was horrible.

It wasn't about the wine glass, that is just a vehicle to express his emotions. You offering to "fix" the described problem is taking away his voice rather than soothing the emotion.

Failure to express emotions in a healthy way makes it hard to soothe them, that is not your obligation. If you can't do it then staying out of it is the best option.

Recognizing these side issues and not even engaging in the first place is a good start, as you have found it only makes it worse and gives times for your own emotions to take on damage.

"I dont want to speak to someone who is using that tone of voice" and hanging up, is ramping up the boundaries. If the "S & E" is not being received then dont use it, and you will not even have a chance of "T" being heard. It simply becomes a waste of energy

The aim here is not soothing him, it is soothing you.

[icky]

thank you for posting this - i think you are doing an amazing job of dealing with it. my BPD partner does this too - it is an incredible relief to see you putting it in words, as i find the behaviour so overwhelming, it's hard to describe it accurately. when i see my partner in that kind of inner pain, my immediate "natural" response is to try and soothe him. seeing someone you love in that much pain just hurts, right? it makes immediate empathy kick in and it sure does make you want to take action to "fix" the situation asap. i had been finding the unfixability of the massive pain so painful (before i knew it was BPD). now i know i have to train myself to deal with it. the dynamic barely makes sense to me. if someone is in massive pain and they "reach out" asking you to help soothe them - that makes sense to me. but the "you're doing everything wrong, you're terrible at soothing pain, you're the worst partner ever" thing - i just don't "get" that dynamic. why - if you are in pain - would you want to add more pain to it? is it about wanting to stay in the victim role? is my partner saying to me "owww, look, i'm a victim, see how hurt i am". and me trying to help him/ soothe him means i'm kinda trying to "take away" his victim role? am i trying to "make it better" too soon? does he need to wallow in the victim role and truly feel it? is he re-living situations from his childhood? does he secretly need the validation that he truly was a victim in his childhood and that it was so bad, that these feelings are still coming up many decades later? this stuff started in our relationship six months ago. at first, i thought i was going nuts. then i thought he was nuts. . i think you are doing an amazing job of dealing with this. i am in awe of how calm you manage to stay. i hope you find some self-soothing things to help you.

[waverider]

the dynamic barely makes sense to me

if someone is in massive pain and they "reach out" asking you to help soothe them - that makes sense to me

but the "you're doing everything wrong, you're *terrible* at soothing pain, you're the worst partner ever" thing - i just don't "get" that dynamic

why - if you are in pain - would you want to add more pain to it?

is it about wanting to *stay* in the victim role?

is my partner saying to me "owww, look, i'm a victim, see how hurt i am"

and me trying to help him/ soothe him means i'm kinda trying to "take away" his victim role?

am i trying to "make it better" too soon?

does he need to wallow in the victim role and truly feel it?

is he re-living situations from his childhood?

does he secretly need the validation that he truly was a victim in his childhood and that it was so bad, that these feelings are still coming up many decades later?

Black and white nature means someone always has to be responsible. A pwBPD struggles to take responsibility for things that are bad in their life. There is too much it overloads. As a result they project the blame onto someone else. As you are the one most likely to catch it they repeatedly pass it to you.

Yes it is effectively biting the hand that feeds them, but their lack of "connectivity", means they dont accept that consequence, and if there is one,then thats not their fault either.