New to BPD Family looking for support

[_Arkansas_]

I am just reaching out for support because I want a better relationship with my BPD wife and I worry sometimes I make things worse.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

Greetings! 

It looks like you've posted in the right spot.

Perhaps if you tell us a little more about your situation we can offer some help.

Has your person with BPD (pwBPD) been diagnosed?

How long have you been together? What's been happening in the relationship?

[_Arkansas_]

It looks like you've posted in the right spot. - Great!

Perhaps if you tell us a little more about your situation we can offer some help.

We have been married for three years. I have always known she came from a background of significant abuse and had mental health challenges. We have been to marriage counseling in the past and now she is going to a counselor on her own. She was diagnosed BPD after a crisis two years ago in which she threatened to commit suicide and had a knife in her hands which resulted in a week on inpatient care. She has had frequent suicidal ideation and self harm behavior (hitting her head) for as long as I have known her. It is not as if I didn't have any idea how much of a challenge I was accepting when I allowed the relationship to develop. But I definitely know I can't handle it on my own. Now I want to begin seeing a counselor because handling it on my own has been hurting me and the relationship.

Our relationship is struggling lately, in part, because I haven't been responding well to her problem behaviors. For instance, I will remind her a couple times to take care of our animals (we divide up work pretty fairly but she has asked to be reminded if she forgets in the past) and in response she will lecture me that she doesn't need to be reminded. She will say things like that I repeated it to her 10 times in a row and wouldn't leave her alone even if after the second time in an hour I told her I will not say anything else about it and that it is her responsibility. Then, she will find something I have done wrong either in the past or present and tell me about how much I don't care or try in the relationship and that our relationship is over.  I try to behave respectfully but lately for some reason I have been telling her that I am fed up and can't deal with her anymore. I am not seeking to end the relationship but I know I can't have a healthy relationship and react this way to her.  I am looking for more adaptive ways to handle it when she says things that hurt me so bad I feel like I lose control and say hurtful things back to her. I also need to find ways to keep up my inner support network without making her jealous or recognizing maybe I can't do it without making her jealous but I need it anyway.

This morning was another struggle in which we were discussing a potential conflict in our schedules. She kept asking when my appointment was but I could not remember specifically. I said I could check after I got to work (I was driving her to her job at the time) but that I thought it was on Tuesday and she appeared to get angry (subjective) and then told me to tell her the date. I told her Tuesday was all I could remember and then she lectured me about dates (the 14th) not being like days (Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday,... .). At which point I told her I was driving and beginning to get disctracted and feel unsafe behind the wheel. She then told me driving is easy and no one else has a problem with it. I wanted to ask her why she doesn't have a drivers liscence if driving is so easy but I was able to avoid that ... .but then she started repeating the same "day vs. dates" and "my Mom drives while talking on the cell phone and listening to music so its easy and safe" arguements until I bursted out the I did not know if I could drive with her in the car anymore or continue driving her to work. I don't like making ultimatiums, especially hollow ones (we both need the money from her job just to get by), unless they are not avoidable but I couldn't figure out how to tell her that her behavior was dangerous in a way that she respected.

 I just know I cant handle this on my own and I am reaching out.

[Oncebitten]

Arkansas

welcome, let me offer you this advice that was given to me here by another member.  When your wife gets angry and says hurtful things try your best to remember that she loves you and it is the disorder saying those things and not her.  I would suspect that she is like many others, after she calms down she acts as if nothing happened.  I know its hard, I face the struggle but if you can think of it that way it will help greatly.

Keep posting here, we all know what you are going through.  Lean on us it helps it really does, we are all here for you.

[Grey Kitty]

Welcome Arkansas, and yes, you are in the right place. Here are a couple thoughts:

1. Suicidal ideation and self-injury are actually very different things. Both are hard to watch. The difference being that self-injury is actually a coping mechanism that is somewhat effective, although less healthy/productive than many coping mechanisms. 

I'm glad she got treatment as a result of the suicidal ideation, and I hope you are prepared to get professional help if/when that returns, whether it is contacting her therapist, suicide hotline, taking her to an emergency room, or calling 911.

(File that one away for later--it doesn't sound like it is today's issue, at least.)

2. Don't fight and drive. (As in, don't get into emotionally charged conversations of any sort while driving!) That is a boundary you can enforce, and I recommend it. Here's why and how.

You might get distracted and not be able to drive safely. And what matters there is if you feel you are distracted, not if she says you are distracted.

The way it bit me was that I wasn't able to concentrate on the conversation properly. I wasn't able to use good tools for engaging with her. The result was I said things that I didn't want to say and made the situation worse than it had to be.

Here's my suggestion. When you are driving and things get heated say "I won't have this kind of discussion while I'm driving." Suggest tabling the conversation for later. Or gently try to change the subject.

If she doesn't stop, pull over on the side of the road or into a parking lot. Tell her you won't drive anywhere until this kind of discussion stops. (And mean it!)

You might even have to get out of the car--I once got so frustrated I parked the car and walked home. (My wife had a drivers license, so she could drive herself at that point. Your wife doesn't drive, so it won't go that way.)

If you are on the way to her work, she won't get to work this way. Her problem, not yours. Let her figure this out.

NOTE: In a boundary enforcement situation like this, don't let yourself get distracted by the fight over whether you are "right" or "wrong" to enforce the boundary.

It would be just about impossible to convince her that you "shouldn't" be fighting and driving, but it isn't necessary, fortunately!

All you need to convince her is that you WON'T do it. Let her think you are being an unreasonable, inflexible !#@$!@# if she wants to think that. All you need to convince her is that you won't be changing your mind, no matter what she does.

[Wrongturn1]

Welcome, Arkansas!    As a point of trivia, I was born and spent most of my first 30 years living in the state of Arkansas and still have lots of family there. 

I agree with the other posters about implementing some boundaries and removing yourself from the situation when she gets abusive.  You don't need her permission to stop accepting abuse.

[_Arkansas_]

Thanks Oncebitten. Sometimes hearing it from someone else helps big time. Heck, just knowing I am not the only one going through things like this is a big help.

[_Arkansas_]

--
Welcome, Arkansas!    As a point of trivia, I was born and spent most of my first 30 years living in the state of Arkansas and still have lots of family there. 

I agree with the other posters about implementing some boundaries and removing yourself from the situation when she gets abusive.  You don't need her permission to stop accepting abuse.
--

Cool, I have only been here just over 10 years and still feel like the best parts of Arkansas are left to be explored. If you can think of anything fun to do in Arkansas, beyond Hot Springs and the River Market (which actually are pretty fun),  I am always open to learn new things.

I need to work on boundries and assertiveness. Know any good resources?

[Meili]

There is a sidebar to the right of the page that has some great places to start. Also, there are links at the bottom and top of the page, as well as a link to lessons on the index page of this board.

Oh, and Eureka Springs has some beautiful places to visit. Mt. Magazine is very nice as well!

[Wrongturn1]

Cool, I have only been here just over 10 years and still feel like the best parts of Arkansas are left to be explored. If you can think of anything fun to do in Arkansas, beyond Hot Springs and the River Market (which actually are pretty fun),  I am always open to learn new things.

If you enjoy the outdoors, canoeing on the Buffalo River is great.  Also, Fayetteville is a great town and northwest AR in general offers a lot of nice restaurants, bars, and family activities.

As for resources - one that doesn't get talked about around here that helped me a lot was the Bon Dobbs book, "When Hope is Not Enough", which has some great explanations and tips on validation and boundaries.