Brothers gf has BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi my brothers gf has BPD and there's no talking to him. She has already driven a wedge between my two brothers. I'm his only sister and everytime she's in my company it goes ok for an hr or two then all of a sudden she's screaming at me accusing me of laughing at her mad stuff. When she calms down my mam always says just to accept it or I'll lose my brother now she's talking about wanting children. He's with her 4 yrs now and enough is enough I need help

[A Pandy]

Hi my brothers gf has BPD and there's no talking to him. She has already driven a wedge between my two brothers. I'm his only sister and everytime she's in my company it goes ok for an hr or two then all of a sudden she's screaming at me accusing me of laughing at her mad stuff. When she calms down my mam always says just to accept it or I'll lose my brother now she's talking about wanting children. He's with her 4 yrs now and enough is enough I need help

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome A Pandy:   
I'm sorry about the situation with your brother's girlfriend. How old are they? Unfortunately, you can't change anyone else, only the way you react and interact.  It is probably wise to accept that you can't steer your brother away from the relationship (as you were advised). It is understandable that you would want the best for your brother and a life with a BPD can be a difficult one (and difficult for the entire family)

Is his girlfriend in therapy or getting some form of treatment for her BPD?

Does your brother understand the life-long issues he will have to deal with, with a person with BPD?  Does he understand that there tends to be a genetic component to passing on some form of mental illness to children?  BPD can be passed on either genetically or environmentally, or a combination of both.  Most people with BPD have other mental health issues:  depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADD/ADHD, etc. (which tend to be genetic).

The best thing you can do is to set some boundaries and employ some strategic communication skills. There are some good links to helpful information to the upper right of this post.  The links below lead to some specific information that will likely be helpful:

DRAMA TRIANGLE
SETTING  BOUNDARIES
SET - COMMUNICATING WITH SUPPORT, EMPATHY AND TRUTH 

The drama triangle might be a good place to start reading.  The Caring Triangle, towards the end of the article, should be the strategy to aim for.  Take a look at it and let us know what you think.  There are a lot of helpful people her, and it can help to post about employing some of the strategies and gaining the input of others and their experiences.

[Kwamina]

Hi A Pandy

You have been given some great advice by Naughty Nibbler

BPD is quite a challenging disorder and a person with BPD can seriously impact the entire family. Has your brother's gf been officially diagnosed with BPD and/or perhaps some other disorder? Do you feel like your brother also recognizes that there is something wrong with her behavior or do you perhaps feel like he's in denial?

You mention that she has driven a wedge between your two brothers. What leads you to say this? What did she do to cause this wedge between your brothers?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later

The Board Parrot

[Lemonandpepper]

I can confirm from sites like this one, that stepping away is the way to do it. It’s definitely sad. I know my brothers gf would get insecure when my brother gave me any attention instead of her (even if we were just like making jokes and having fun with her around she didn’t want that unless it was with her) she also wanted to isolate him from me and get us to hate each other. Again, all the love needs to be hers and she was willing to create any drama she could to do it. I can’t imagine what that feels like and it seems like a very difficult mental illness to carry.

I’ve since informed my brother that her presence is unhealthy for me, that I will attend family dinners and be civil, but no other interactions with her for my own mental health. When we are at a family dinner I say hello but that is it. No conversations. I still speak to my brother though. Now when she gets upset, she cannot blame me and what I do or what I say to her. The last family dinner she got upset my brother and I were talking, and all she could do was sit in the corner smoking. There was no more fight left to start cause she knew I wasn’t going to reciprocate anymore and just silently walk away. Another time she didn’t like when my toddler was too close to her, and in the past she would have convinced my brother to get upset at me for something, now he knows I have no interactions with her so he just gave my son back to me who was just running around the other side of the table with his cousins. Her ammo against me is gone. Let the BPD person sit with it themselves because there is nothing you can do or say. Trust me I’ve tried every approach. As long as you are a nice person in the room doing your best to just be neutral, and not do anything yourself to stir the pot either. Enjoy your family time and let them figure out how to be a civil part of your family if they want to be apart of it. If they go to therapy and find ways to balance their strong emotions then eventually welcome back more interaction with them. 

Anyone reading this I know you love your family member, but if they choose a bpd spouse, then you need to take care of YOU.