Agreed to move now won't

[Kili]

We moved back where she was from 2 years ago and went through her kicking me out and kept me from seeing our small children.  After a marriage retreat we got back together and six months ago she agreed to move back where we moved from.  I came ahead because we were going to need to travel soon for our son's (my step son) wedding. When I came back and we traveled for the wedding, it was a hectic schedule and not much was planned, so there were some frustrating moments.  So now, she is refusing to move because of the way I treated her on the trip.  We live thousands of miles away now and we have a 4, 2 and 4 month old.  Help

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Kili,

That's a lot of disruption and travel in a short period of time, plus young kids and an infant in the mix. It sounds exhausting.

When she pushes you away like this, how does it usually repair? Are you usually the one who reaches out? Or does she initiate?

What kind of communication is going on at the moment?

Are you planning to travel to where she is any point in the near future?

LnL

[Kili]

Thanks for responding.  She places different demands and then I meet those demands and after awhile she comes around.  What she's saying now is, "what guarantee do I have that anything will be different living together with more stressors."  She feels I treated her really badly and I don't want to honestly assess my actions.  She wants me to work on that and says she loves me and she's for our marriage.  Also that she's valuable and that she needs to be treated with value.

[livednlearned]

Do you feel it's inevitable that she will move to be with you?

It has to be very stressful to take care of three kids under the age of 4 without you.

Push/pull is part of BPD pathology, and without learning new skills, we get easily swept into it. Part of learning those new skills is also managing our own distress and anxiety during the push phase. It's kinda hard to think straight when we're emotionally flooded. Are you taking care of yourself right now?

What kinds of demands do you expect she will place on you?

How do you respond when she asks for guarantees?

[Kili]

This is very helpful and it is allowing me to get expert advice and not drag my family and friends into it where they feel helpless.  Thanks

 I feel like she will, it seems like she will not move until she thinks I've been punished enough.  I am doing ok.  My work is going well and I have friends that keep me positive.  I'm also getting involved at my church.  It is hard for me at work sometimes, because I work in an er so I see people dealing with things physically and emotionally along with their family members and I think what is so bad with our situation that she needs to react like this.

She demands I go to counseling, anger management usually.  Counselors tell me I need boundaries and stuff like that.  This time she has mentioned me going to counseling and also the whole thing of what guarantee does she have that I will treat her with value.

You can never gaurantee anything, she's always going to be disappointed if she wants me to never be react negatively.  So I just try my best to ride it out and communicate the best I can.

[livednlearned]

There isn't much you can do to speed up her timetable for punishment, unfortunately 

There can be a revenge fantasy that a lot of people with BPD experience. At some point, she was perhaps hurt by a loved one and expects everyone else who she loves to repeat that hurt. You end up being punished because every small infraction is added to this bank of past grievances that never gets resolved. To resolve it, she would need to own her part, and that can feel like annihilation to someone who hurts to the depths that she does.

She is asking you to fulfill a merger fantasy that is unrealistic, where the two of you are perfectly connected. Many of us get swept onto this hamster wheel and work toward it, only to be pushed away when we invariably fail.

She wants you to treat her with value because she cannot provide that for herself.

What kind of negative reactions from you is she referring to?

 

[Kili]

One example, is we stayed somewhere for a week on our trip, for free.  But then we had to be out, and needed a place to stay for one night.  There was a possibility that we could use someone's hotel room for one night they weren't using.  Well by that afternoon we hadn't heard from them and so she started asking me why we have such a hard time making a decision.  I explained when we heard about the room I said that sounds great.  As the night went on trying to find out from her sister if the hotel room was available the other sister was looking on air b&b and said there was someone's house with a shared bathroom.  I had suggested earlier that we just go and get a hotel room for the night and get a good nights sleep and relax.  She was suggesting we just sleep in the van for the night.  Granted we had our 2 and 4 year old with us, I didn't think it was appropriate for us to stay at a strangers house or sleep in the van.  Finally after 8 o'clock at night and we hadn't even eaten dinner.  I put my foot down and said we are getting a hotel room and I will get food and bring it to the room so she could start getting the kids ready for bed.  Turns out the "free" room was never available.  So it's when I finally make a decision and put my foot down and say this is what we are doing.  At this point I have raised my voice and am explaining all this to her.

[livednlearned]

That sounds pretty stressful, whether BPD or not. 

Two little kids, uncertain plans about where to sleep, hungry, dependent on others to solve things.

Add to that, people with BPD don't tend to handle stress well.

With my BPD loved one, she wants to feel competent, and she also wants everyone around her to handle things when she is stressed. It's a bit of a double bind.

It sounds like you did your best under the circumstances. With someone who is BPD, it helps to validate her feelings. It may not make things better, but it can help prevent things from getting worse.

Raising your voice to her sounds like you were also probably feeling stress. Maybe in response to the situation, compounded with her response to you. It can be very challenging to get grounded when our own emotions are aroused, and take stock of the situation, of our own feelings, and then validate a person who may not be in a problem-solving state of mind.