Hi everyone. I was reading so much what you have written that I've decided to present my story and seek help.
I've met my (ex)girl 2,5 years ago. She was 16 then, I was 24. Huge age difference then and I was in doubts whether to proceed even though she was amazing and so mature for her age. Not to mention her beauty. We connected immediately, but I was confused on how fast things were going. She was admiring me so much, I felt unpleasant at times. I know that I am a great guy, but that was too much. She was diagnosed with only depression then, but later turned out (6 months back) that she has bipolar and borderline PD.
As relationship took off, there were problems from the start. Jealousy with other women, constantly. Fear that I was cheating, anger issues and other BPD traits. About 8 months into relationship it turned out she also has dissociative identity disorder. Especially one alter was very destructive towards everyone. Others were more or not kind and supported me, allthough everyone had their trauma. Through conversation and support we both reduced those alters from 7 to 3. But then the tough stuff started. After 1 year and 4 months her grandmother (who she was so attached to) was hit by a stroke. Luckily she survived, is paralyzed on one side, but it left my girl then devastated cause she was beside her. Last new year's eve we spent the night together with my brother. She met with a friend before and I guess she was drinking. Came to me and it escalated to getting herself drunk. Before the new year she crashed hard crying how she lost her grandmother and stuff. Two days later were horrible. Agressive, raging, insulting. I had to stay with her for two more days. That was the time things were getting bad. She was still going through stress in school. In May stress built through the roof when finals took place and they would determine if she can get to a desired college. She didn't do well. All hell broke loose. She quit her meds and got herself into mania, where she craved for attention from other guys. This hasn't stopped until now. june was the last time she was herself. From then she is an "emotionles plant". I was hurting, she couldn't care less. I am certain she cheated on me severely. Lying like crazy, manipulating. Where were few days when she "snapped out of it" and promised to me she can do it and to believe in her before she turned black again. In August she called one evening to say "You are too good to be true. Thank you. I don't deserve you." All my effort to help was too much for her. She was pushing me away, slowly, when during the relationship she was asking me not leave her. I was calmed her down and reassured her that it will nevre happen and always showed my love.
We had a strong bond. It was always her and me against the world. I was the first guy who she trusted unconditionally and was very open to her troubles to the point when she started pushing me away. Her biggest fear was losing me. I was a constant support, her dream. I used to lift her up when she was down, used to improve her definition about the world when things were rough, helped her in every possible way. I was the first to show her what romantic love was like, what was like that someone cares for you 24/7/365. And she was always there for me too. She does love her family, but now when raging, she treats them like garbage. She is pushing everyone who love her away.
When this stress started to build up to the max, she started feeling confusing. Told me that she f***ed in the beggining for letting me close. She was then getting out and said she still feels she loves me. Then it was "Loves but not in love". Throughout this she was constantly texting and seeking attention from others, but was denying all the time. Started to feel that she needs something else and that she became bored with me allthough I am far from being a boring guy. She started working as a waitress for some weekends and took some modeling jobs which suited her need for attention. Started dissapearing for days, writting less. I haven't replied one day cause I couldn't cope with this. During that day she was texting me offensively and called me at 1am in fear that I was going to leave her, when indeed she was the one who initiated the breakup two weeks ago prior to that.
Now it's even sadder. On 29th Sept she decided to break contact with everyone to work on herself cause she still felt something's wrong. I respected her decision, but found out that few days after that, she hooked up with that other guy cause he was still pushing her buttons. I decided to go no contact. On 11, 13 and 14th day of NC she called 7 times. I did not pick up. On 19th day her pdoc decided she has to go to get hospitalized and is currently on a waiting list. I texted her that I believe in her and that she can go through this. That I'm still by her side. Her reply was "You don't have to be... ." and that she is getting hospitalized. Few days later seh sends me a text that her parents are still controlling her. I replied that things are a consequence of her own actions and that only she is responsible that her life is on the lowest point yet. Her reply was to stop philosophizing. I guess she painted me blakc again. Now we are still NC 6 days.
She is taking the identity of that new guy, wants to enroll in the army
and other stuff. Here is something interesting and sad: she didn't even know she was texting that guy for 2 months! She doesn't even understand how I feel and what she's doing! Last time I broke down (9.9.), she broke down with me crying she can do this! Well, she IS seeking for help the entire time! Hope she quickly gets hospitalized.
Will sudden cut from STRONG, STRONG feelings towards me get her to realize what she did? I think she will want to start over at some point. Her real self is REALY loving, empathetic.
Can dissociation be lasting the whole time since June? This behavior was never her! I now decided to not pursue contact, well, the fact was she was the one who was seeking MY attention when seeing others. If and when she reaches out I'll say that I won't play her BPD games anymore, but am prepared to talk in person when she gets stable. I am willing to let her repair what she had done IF she sees weekly DBT therapies, is on meds, again opens up to me etc. Boundaries. I understand that this is not her, but she can't help herself cause she doesn't know how to. This is her first time in such episode. Bipolar is under control now supposedly, but BPD is causing her to lose her life literally.
I am education myself more and more. This made me feel better knowing what is really going on. I was hurting with anxiety and mild depression, but found my ways to beat that unpleasant period with music, workout, singing, friends. I am moving on, but I miss her. I still think we are meant for each other. I have never felt this kind of a connection towards anyone.
This became an essay, sorry. Thank you for listening. Every help is welcome.
M.
