BPD / NPD relationship

[confusedbloke]

Hi All,

Back again after a few months... .  You were right... .It didn't last, but at the time I had to give it a shot.  So with tail between legs, I am back... .

Its certainly been a more stressful session this time ending in serious fights... .  It got to the point where literally one comment would turn a normal situation into chaos in a matter of seconds.  My colleagues at work call us the "binary couple" - as in on / off / on / off.  Yes we are a bunch of nerds!

What I have done is continually blamed her for everything and not taken any responsibility myself.  In trying to understand whats going on (again!)

Question is - what do I do now?  Does anyone have any experience with this kind of relationship?

Im feeling quite embarrassed about my new found status, but there is no shadow of a doubt that I suffer from this... .  It all makes sense now... .
So I don't know what to do.  Will I be like this with every relationship?  In all honesty I think I always have, and have always chosen women with BPD like traits to worship me - but that eventually fades... .  Ive never had a relationship that has been this volatile, but I don't think Ive ever met a woman with so many BPD traits before (well put it this way, ive never needed to search the web to find out whats going on!)... .

Im on 4th day of no contact.  Her phone is broken and she has blocked me on FB, so I cannot get in touch, which makes it easier... .But is still difficult.

Anyway, any thoughts?

Thanks

[heartandwhole]

Hi confusedbloke,

I'm sorry it didn't work out again. We have to keep trying until we don't... .  At least now you can tell yourself that you did everything you could, so that you won't have regrets going forward. How are you feeling?

I understand that the article resonated with you. I can see things in there that make sense for me, too—I think many of us can. I'd be careful with self-diagnosing, though. There are many behaviors that we indulge in that in extremes look like disordered thinking/behavior. That doesn't mean we meet the criteria for a personality disorder.

Here's a great article about NPD and BPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=90388.msg895949#msg895949

Although her writing often resonates with people who have just been through the wringer of a BPD breakup, Schreiber's info. and style has been controversial:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273738.msg12534455#msg12534455

Question is - what do I do now? 

What would you like to do now? Before convincing yourself that you have a PD and are  doomed to repeat these patterns, what do you think about talking to a therapist about this (if you aren't already)? In my view, we can always improve our relationship skills, especially when the will is there. Simply being aware of patterns that are dysfunctional is a huge step! Now, with help, you can learn to work with those patterns and change them.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

Will I be like this with every relationship? 

It will be until you do something to change it.  To that end, how do you want to start working on this?  Perhaps we should start with why you keep getting involved with women who cannot participate in a healthy relationship?

[confusedbloke]

Ok am not a narcissist... .

Im nothing like them traits... .  Im a caring bloke that gets highly (massively) offended if I give something from my inner most soul, and its not reciprocated... .
She got in touch tonight (well it is the 4 day  threshold)... .but it feels different now.  My kiddies have said that they prefer me without her as im fun... .but when with her my 10 year old said that I look stressed.  Amazing what kids see... .  Im really p****ed off. Put so much effort, money and time into her... .  I mean really p****ed off... .Stupid woman could have had everything... .

sorry guys - am just gutted

[confusedbloke]

Funny coz im watching a film called "overboard"... .the bit in the school where Goldie Horn gives the teacher a right dressing down for having a go at "her" kids is exactly who my ex was. She would literally give her life for mine... .and my kids... 100% die for us guys... .  And I know that

Shes a good lass - and its hard to break away from that... .  But its the other side that's just really hard and sad... .messes you up... .and when them moments outweigh the good, I think something triggers and you kinda wake up...

I am truly gutted for her and for me... .  anyway, venting again... .thanks

[heartandwhole]

Shes a good lass - and its hard to break away from that... .  But its the other side that's just really hard and sad... .messes you up... .and when them moments outweigh the good, I think something triggers and you kinda wake up...

I am truly gutted for her and for me... .  anyway, venting again... .thanks

I hear you, confusedbloke. It's so hard to let go, especially when we are confronted with the   reality that no one is "all good" or "all bad." With BPD, that truth is often experienced to the extreme, and it really does a number on our heads and hearts.

Your description of feeling resentful when your giving is not reciprocated is something I think many of us have felt, especially those who relate to the concept of co-dependency and/or caretaking. It will probably be enlightening to look into the reasons you give so much in the first place. For me, it was something I learned in order to get my needs met, i.e., if my partner is happy, then I'll be happy because he'll love me, won't leave, etc.

Right now you are hurting and I recommend being kind to yourself. Try not to skip over the feelings—they have something important to show you. We're here if you need to vent 

heartandwhole

[C.Stein]

Shes a good lass - and its hard to break away from that... . 

Yes, it sure is hard to break away.  The things I have to keep reminding myself is that treating me with love, respect, honesty and caring are not optional, at her convenience things.  Conducting herself with integrity is not optionally when convenient either.  Yet that is how it was and that is how it is with many borderlines because these things are sacrificed to the emotional whim of the moment.