Need Your Thoughts About Whether I'm Enabling or Not

[radioguitarguy]

Thanks to those of you who left positive messages regarding our 32 year old son who's been doing very well over the last several months. Here's what I'm wrestling with right now.

I've chosen, over the last 4 years, to take financial responsibility for his car payment, car insurance, and cell phone, which runs about $450/month. His health insurance is taken care of by Medicaid. He makes a little money by running an 'open mic' night in town along with an occassional mobile dj gig. As a start, we've agreed that he will pay me $25 a week along with 80% of any dj work that he's booked.

He's failed at almost every job he's taken on since he was 16, and there have been many. He tells me he's looking. Yeah, right. He certainly isn't sitting home all day. He's either out at a recording studio, rehearsing, playing open mic nights, or actually playing live gigs but not making enough money to cover the $450/month that I'm subsidizing. I think that part of it is, he's afraid of taking on a 'real' job because he's failed so many times. At least that's what I want to believe.

After 12 years of this, you'd think I would have figured this out by now, so I'm reaching out to my BPD family for your feedback. Am I being an idiot? Am I enabling and he's taking advantage of that? Should I sit down with him and actually find out what he thinks?

Any feedback would be welcome!

Thanks,
RGG   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there

My BPDs25 is managing to work casually, sometimes cash in hand. He is not registered as self employed and therefore is not paying tax of national insurance. He didn't look for work until I refused to give him any more money.  It took him 3 weeks and he started to pick the odd day up here and there.  When it got regular I asked for £25 rent each week. I was driving him around to work and back and insisted he got a car. I'm learning that I need to set a deadline, accept he may not meet it, get through the blip and then insist that's the end on the next deadline. It's all work in progress.

My BPDs will most probably never apply for another job, he does work that he can manage. He will have to find a way to live independently based on this sort of arrangement. Although he still lives at home, I'm planning for him to live independently next year. I'm trying to be realistic though, it's about setting small realistic goals and achieving them one by one. It's like building a wall, brick by brick.

There's many threads from more experienced parents about this particular topic. I remember the best one was where a parent successfully phased withdrawal of funds but within a realistic timescale.  Slow but sure.

We retire hopefully in three years, our kids have to sustain themselves somehow. It sounds as if your son could maybe learn how to resolve this problem given his progress and regular work.

I hope this helps.

Enabling? We enable our son by allowing him to live with us knowing he still smokes weed.  It's all about priorities and giving them the opportunity to find a way forward to live a life. That's what I think anyway

L

[Lollypop]

Just realised I didn't mention that I now realise our mistakes. Oh hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[livednlearned]

Do you resent paying the $450/month?

It sounds like it isn't the money so much as you are disappointed that he is not looking for work?

Like Lollypop mentioned, sometimes it is about what you will and will not tolerate based on your values. For me, I take a long time to make changes, and usually they are small ones that build up to something bigger. I have to work with a therapist to think through the language I am going to use, and have to brace myself for the resistance or consequence when I change my behavior.

If it is important to you that he at least looks for a job, then that would need to become a condition of your financial support. Part of figuring out how to set up any kind of change is being clear with yourself what you can live with. Are you ok with him not having a cell phone? Are you ok with him not having a car?

If you want to see him looking for work, chances are he will need to feel the loss of these items, and that can be hard for us if we have a threshold for what amenities we want our kids to have.

Have you tried setting boundaries around this before?

[RunningWithScissors]

RGG -

Can you envision a time when you will be no longer be able to subsidize your son?  Are you able to continue the support indefinitely?

If it's a not a question of IF your son becomes financially independent, but WHEN, then you can certainly start the process now.  I just finished reading a great book called 'I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better' which is all about validating others but turning over responsibility back to them.  One anecdote dealt with older parents facing a situation with a married child who needed constant loans and monetary gifts to pay bills.  They took the approach of apologizing for treating them like a child, affirming that from now on they would be treated like the adults they were, and the loans and gifts would now stop as they were capable of supporting themselves.

Change often brings resistance.  That's to be expected, so you'll need to be very clear why you are now withdrawing the financial support.  Understand that your son will likely resist, protest and attempt to maintain status quo.  I would suggest a phased approach, with clear expectations about when your son will take over the various payments.  Realize that this will be uncomfortable for both you and him, and learn to be OK with this.  When he becomes more uncomfortable with a condition (i.e. not having a functioning phone), he'll accept the other discomfort (making payments on the phone plan).  And if he chooses not to change, that's fine - that's his choice.

Good luck!  (And if you want the details of my step-son's story to living independently, it's posted in the 'Breakthroughs' thread at the top of this board).

[Huat]

Hello radioguitarguy:
Have you ever thought of actually writing up a contract with your son... .having it down in writing what you are willing to do... .what you are expecting of him... .and having consequences?  Seems to me if you are shelling out the money, you have a right to have stipulations.  I loved the idea written in a previous post of "phasing out funds within a realistic timescale."  With that said, everyone's situation with their kid is different.

[wendydarling]

Hi Radioguitarguy

My 28yr daughter is also fighting to be well, in treatment. I can relate to your journey and your sons, it’s certainly not easy, it is however a great stride forward to be congratulated.

We arrived at the same point you have ‘Three things have to happen before the healing can happen:
1. Accepting the BPD diagnosis... .
2. Knowing one must 'do the work' by finding a good therapist and possibly medication... .
3. Actually 'doing the work' on a consistent basis... .’

Yes it would be good to ‘sit down and actually find out what he thinks', establishing common ground and an agreed plan has helped us.

1)   My 28yr daughter has set personal goals at DBT and more recently is working towards establishing her personal values.
2)   DD became freelance this April at her employers suggestion - having entered crisis early last year and struggling to deliver work, this has taken the immediate pressure off her now, for her to take the lead and responsibility of what she feels able to deliver and work the hours she feels able, small steps. Her income has reduced and for now that is ok as she invests her time to recover - goal number one.  DD lives at home and pays rent, she covers all her travel and her personal wellbeing costs, contact lenses, dental costs... .my budget and her budget are on the kitchen wall, clear    In light of her focusing her efforts on her recovery and at this point working less her rent has accordingly been reduced. 

Our present agreement in priority:
1) To be well, attend DBT, work towards recovery is DD's no 1 priority.
2) Be mindful and flexible of current employment that works to support her investment in recovery.
3) Attend housing co-op meetings in hope of housing at a reasonable sustainable rent, that is likely to many years before being housed. 
4) During or after recovery engage a personal life coach to help DD work through her future career plans so she can sustain living independently in the future. 

Realistically there is easily a further three-five years of work in progress for DD to be well, able and confident to safely manage her future independently. From time to time we explore 'able' and 'enabled'. 

I believe your son may welcome an open conversation about his future independence -my daughter has appreciated, it’s taken the pressure off and is always discussed in the context of our agreed No 1 priority for her to invest in treatment and recovery, that’s her focus for now, which I respect. Everything comes after and yes it’s good to talk and prepare for the future.

WDx

[SeekingSusan]

Hi Radioguitarguy, I can really relate to your turmoil, as this is all so very new to us I have no advice to give. But I'm grateful for the suggestions others have made above and am going to try to implement some boundaries and goals in writing as well. My biggest problem, as I am coming to realize - is that I have co-dependant issues as well and need to relinquish financial control for my own well being.