what happen to you if your past BPD partner didn't give you closure?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi again, I've been a little over a month out since my breakup with my uBPDgf and almost a month with nc that I been doing very well with. I didn't reach out on her birthday which wasn't easy. I've been getting better with everyday life and my t has been a great help. Today I've notice that I had this invite pop up on my phone calendar for an event which is tomorrow. I realized that it was for my ex, her children and me. I didn't think much of if and canceled the invite. Well then I got a call from unknown on my phone which I didn't pick up (I have a business I just started up, sometimes get calls from weird numbers but not from unknowns) this last month I been realizing the lies and other stuff that she was doing. And I remember when I saw the call, I would never get a call from unknown expect this last few months with her. I would be at her place and would get a call pick it up then someone would hang up. She would not be in the room when this happened then when she came back I told her about it then she would ask me about the call. It's probably nothing and I'm making a unknown call into something.

But my question to everyone that had a breakup or the final recycle did you get closure from your BPDex with them explaining why they can't be with you and it was over for good? And if they did, did they still reach out to you later?

I realize myself that years ago I wasn't given a chance for closure and it was a different reason for the breakups every time (which ended up with one of use trying to come back). To the last time I left for good(which I thought was the last time) with no answer from her, about the changes that needed to be made after me getting tired of the lies and recycles.

This time around was the same, different reasons for the breakups, same I want back or she wanted back. I ended it this time around again but did end up giving her a chance to come back (which at that time I wasn't fully out of the fog) So I wonder if she will do the same thing has last time or will she leave me alone for good or if she can break me into reaching out to her?

Well anyway time will tell, just wanted to see what everyone's closure was the end our not.

[rzr14]

Hi again, I've been a little over a month out since my breakup with my uBPDgf and almost a month with nc that I been doing very well with. I didn't reach out on her birthday which wasn't easy. I've been getting better with everyday life and my t has been a great help. Today I've notice that I had this invite pop up on my phone calendar for an event which is tomorrow. I realized that it was for my ex, her children and me. I didn't think much of if and canceled the invite. Well then I got a call from unknown on my phone which I didn't pick up (I have a business I just started up, sometimes get calls from weird numbers but not from unknowns) this last month I been realizing the lies and other stuff that she was doing. And I remember when I saw the call, I would never get a call from unknown expect this last few months with her. I would be at her place and would get a call pick it up then someone would hang up. She would not be in the room when this happened then when she came back I told her about it then she would ask me about the call. It's probably nothing and I'm making a unknown call into something.

But my question to everyone that had a breakup or the final recycle did you get closure from your BPDex with them explaining why they can't be with you and it was over for good? And if they did, did they still reach out to you later?

I realize myself that years ago I wasn't given a chance for closure and it was a different reason for the breakups every time (which ended up with one of use trying to come back). To the last time I left for good(which I thought was the last time) with no answer from her, about the changes that needed to be made after me getting tired of the lies and recycles.

This time around was the same, different reasons for the breakups, same I want back or she wanted back. I ended it this time around again but did end up giving her a chance to come back (which at that time I wasn't fully out of the fog) So I wonder if she will do the same thing has last time or will she leave me alone for good or if she can break me into reaching out to her?

Well anyway time will tell, just wanted to see what everyone's closure was the end our not.

[rzr14]

To add to what I was saying about the unknown calls, my ex was on my phone plan for about 3 1/2 months so the other day I got curious and looked at her phone records I notice a lot of things going on that I didn't know about, it's like she was living a second/third life. I didn't know how she got that by me and her now bf when we where being recycled. Anyway I saw some calls she sent out with no phone number by her name, wondering if that could be her making unknown/private calls?

[jonmnemonic]

I have come to accept that I'll never know the truth about my wife.  She was the international woman of mystery since day 1.  I can't tell you where she goes or what she does or who she's with.  All I know is there are only so many errands a person can possibly need to run in a week.  She proudly told me at the beginning of our marriage that if she ever cheated on me I'd never know about it.

I used to spend a lot of hours running the possible scenarios through my head and trying to make sense of her.  I don't anymore.  It's not helpful for anything.  There was a time when I would have loved to know the truth but that time has passed.

[gotujockin]

She won't give it to you and even say she does, it won't make sense.  The stories on the board are all the same... .textbook, none of us get closure that's why we're here.  To understand the illness and to cope with it.  Best thing to do is to stop focusing on her and work on yourself to get your confidence back.  That will be key say you run into her or when she contacts you.  That anxiety you have now will be gone and you'll be in a much better position to handle those situations once it arrives with your new self and confidence.

[Reforming]

Hi rz14

I understand why making sense of what happened feels so important but I think very few of us get closure from our exes. We have to find it for ourselves

When you're suffering from a personality disorder its often very difficult to really see and understand your own behaviour. So if a pwBPD does try and explain why they ended a relationship or behaved in a certain way it tends to be quite distorted, contradictory and confusing.

What kind of closure would you like to get from your ex? What would help you move forward?

Reforming

 

[Rayban]

She won't give it to you and even say she does, it won't make sense.  The stories on the board are all the same... .textbook, none of us get closure that's why we're here.  To understand the illness and to cope with it.  Best thing to do is to stop focusing on her and work on yourself to get your confidence back.  That will be key say you run into her or when she contacts you.  That anxiety you have now will be gone and you'll be in a much better position to handle those situations once it arrives with your new self and confidence.

I have to keep reminding myself of what you just wrote. I realize now that you can't get closure from someone who is unable and in my case unwilling to give it. In her mind she would love to keep me around and pined available whenever it fancies her to contact me. In the mean time she's out getting more attention and validation from God knows who. I understand now that the closure will come when Im at a place where I don't care what she's doing,  or who she is with. Closure will come the day I'm not bothered by her trying to re-engage and I handle it swiftly and   continue living a healthy productive life with someone who is able to love me back.

[Fr4nz]

In general, it is not possible to get closure from a BPD sufferer; this is due to the dysfunctional set of beliefs and behaviours that governs their lives: for them it's hard to understand our perspective and the hurt that they cause on us.

As such, in my opinion closure may come only from the knowledge of the disorder and a sincere reflection about why we were attracted so much in staying with them.

Don't worry, over time you'll get your own closure; a big hug