Struggling with new perspectives

[HoldingAHurricane]

I don’t post often now but still drop by for a feeling of community now and again. My dBPDh and I have been together 7 years. He was diagnosed about 3 years into the relationship and has GAD and ADHD as well. He worked hard in therapy for about 3 years with a trauma specialising psychologist, as did I. The beginning of our relationship is the same as the stories shared here. We are pretty stable now. We have moderate blow ups a few times a year but nothing compared to before.
Yesterday he shared for the first time how dissociation feels/felt to him. He spent many years, prior to our relationship and during our relationship being unfaithful and caused a lot of property damage to our house and cars. He has always maintained that he loved me throughout and at times, showed irritation and confusion about how I felt unloved by him. It weighed heavily on me.
Accepting his account that dissociation was the creation of alternate realities which could be switched between like turning the channels on TV is un-relatable to me. These alternate realities were as real to him as my reality is to me it would seem. He says the alternate realities relied on the other realities not existing because the contradictions (I’m married/I’m single and free to date) were unreconcilable. He says his aggression came to defending the alternate reality. It feels like it makes sense. I feel like I understand it more and feel freer of the conflict I felt about ‘why’ and ‘how’.
This led to his disclosure of the beatings he endured as a child. From several significant men in his life including his father and also his mother. He didn’t give much detail but said he had felt proud in the past that he didn’t ever get a bleeding nose of broken bones and I interpreted this to mean the beating were considerable. He said this is where the dissociation began. He could make the beatings not real by just switching realities.
I feel deeply, profoundly regretful of lashing out at him in the past, contributing an environment that triggered some of the dissociative episodes through my own immature needs and tantrums. I feel angry at these adults who terrorised that child who broke into a million fragments to survive. I can’t stand to look at them. His siblings witnessed these things and I have heard them joke about how he used to ‘get into trouble’. It makes me nauseated.  I feel disturbed by the things he said especially his father about how grateful my h should be that he loved him enough to teach him and not 'really' hurt him. I’m grappling with how to move forward with his family.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[sad but wiser]

I am not sure what to tell you.  His family sounds highly, highly dysfunctional and will, no doubt remain so.  Pity is not a good foundation for marriage.  You must find a respect for yiur husband.  What do you respect?
  As for your in-laws, I think you should tell your husband that you cannot be around them for the time being.  Tell him it is unbearable for you because of the way they treated him and the fact that it has made his life so hard.  He can see them without you and tell them you feel sick and cannot come with him... (Which you do every time you see them.)
Perhaps the forgiveness you have for your husband will eventually extend to them as well.  Good luck.  You don't have to always be so brave.

[livednlearned]

Hi HoldingAHurricane,

I'm sorry for what you went through, and what your dBPDh went through as a child. It sounds horrifying  

And at the same time, glad that he is working with a trauma specialist and learning how he survived, and what it means in his adult life. Another member shared this about dissociating with me and it was helpful in the context of both BPD and DID (dissociative identity disorder): www.estd.org/conferences/presentations/onno%20van%20der%20hart.pdf

I can understand why you would feel regretful about lashing out. At the same time, maybe indulge briefly and move on so you can model forgiveness of yourself for your husband as he learns to forgive himself. Shining sunlight on our behaviors is not meant to shame us further, imo. It is meant to start healing and growing and we can only do that when we are ready to forgive ourselves for how we behaved with imperfect knowledge.

 

LnL

[Annie99]

Hi HoldingAHurricane:
Your story resonates with what I am currently going through. I recently found out that my husband has been unfaithful to me through our marriage, with prostitutes. I know I don't have the whole story yet.  I cannot reconcile this with the ethical man I know. There has been very little explanation to date, he has told me it was due to my anger (ie its all my fault), it was a coping mechanism, and its complex.  We are in marriage therapy but to date he has not undergone any individual therarpy, he doenst think there is anything really wrong with himself.
He also had a horrible childhood - completely invalidated, physically and emotionally abused. Now that I finally understand (our marriage therapist told me he has BPD characteristics) I, too, feel ashamed of my contribution to our years of conflict and silent treatments. I was responding to his irresponsibilities etc as I had learned in my own family and yes, a lot of enabling behaviour and taking blame for things I hadn't done. I am still very unsure about our relationship but am working on validation etc (again I am ashamed of how dismissive I have been to him over the years), so that hopefully, for the sake of our children, we can coparent if/when we split.

I cant reconcile the extramarital sex... .your explanation of dissociation is helpful. thank you.