how does codependency look to a pwBPD

[earlgrey]

we are all very good at spotting the traits of pwBPD and feeling their effect first hand. We know what it does to us.

So what happens to the pwBPD, what do they notice if they are in a r/s with a codependant?

I am thinking about this, because tonight, well into our divorce proceedings I am receiving a lot of criticism about my behaviour (a lot of co-D stuff describes me) during the 'functional' part of our r/s ... .She complains of my level of expectation in a r/s, and at my disappointment when I didn't get what I was expecting (fair exchange)... ."don't expect anything then you won't be disappointed". And I guess from her perspective I came across as a needy insecure individual, which never makes anyone feel good.

Yes I was available and free for her, and would do anything for her (in the early days) and I suppose these, what I felt to be good/loving deeds would have been viewed through a BPD lens and become basic, subservient and demeaning. By doing good things I was actually digging our grave.

This is just a bit of a vent as I'm going through the divorce stuff, but I think I am beginning to understand (maybe) what it is that she sees and it has no resemblance to what I see.

[JerryRG]

I can understand your point and the only answer I have is codependency and BPD wouldn't qualify for a healthy relationship would it? I am codependent and not ready for an intimate relationship, my exgf told me the same thing before she grabbed on to the first guy she got attention from.

At least we can work on our issues, not sure how pwBPD can when in relationships? Isn't this why they usually fail?

My exgf and her new bf break up and get back together on a weekly basis, same behaviour when we were together. Karpman triangle? Very toxic and dysfunctional and we nons are able to accept it. PwBPD cannot be alone so they may not be able to change.

My take

Good thing you are aware of your behaviours and now you can change.

Great post

[Moselle]

It's looks like denial, low self esteem, compliance and control to them and they want that... .at first :-)

A borderline needs two things. A person to share their pain. Or more accurately a scapegoat to project their pain onto. And someone who will stay through the pushing and the pulling.

They are not lookng for healthy, they are looking for a codependent. Just try and get healthy and see what the Borderline does. Hint: they don't like it very much :-)

[JerryRG]

Spot on Moselle

Healthy and BPD do not mix, and my opinion is the healthier the individual the less likely they would even consider a serious relationship with disordered people.

My counselor told me any healthy male would run from my ex after 15 min. I didn't run, but I'm aware why and I can make better choices in the future.

[bus boy]

Bang on Moselle. I tried so hard to make a healthy r/s and was met with abuse and resistance but if I kept conflict alive, that made me a good partner.

[valet]

Good question. Fertile ground for discussion.

In my experience, the 'better' I treated my ex, the more she turned away from me and withdrew from her social environment. The balanced position here is that I was feeding into a negative dynamic via codependent tendencies. She often said she felt disillusioned with the world and everything she was doing. It wasn't that I cared too much... .more that I acted too much on those instincts. The reality being that I had no control of how she felt—but internally I wasn't right unless I could exert that control.

Truthfully, I think that it's hard to say how any pwBPD experiences codependency in a partner, nor themselves. From what I know about the disorder, they feel worse as you try further and further to go above and beyond—this is why it is such an intoxicating dynamic for us, but poisonous to them on some level. Either way, the actions and words surrounding those feelings differ on a person by person basis, I'd imagine. Some lash out. Some deeply internalize and lash inwards.

[jasmine-1234]

I am thinking about this, because tonight, well into our divorce proceedings I am receiving a lot of criticism about my behaviour (a lot of co-D stuff describes me) during the 'functional' part of our r/s ... .

earlgrey, I'm sorry you were receiving a lot of criticism.  For me anyways that is the hardest part.  Please be easy on yourself (that is what everyone is telling me, although I'm not exactly sure how to do that yet).  I'm just starting to learn about codependency and what it means, and how it fed into the BPD relationship too.

If anyone would like to expand... .I'd love to learn more.

I also found that extremely frustrating, the more I gave up and did for him it didn't seem to help much.  Even when I talked about how I felt so isolated with less and less friends, he said that was my fault, and it was. I just stopped going out and meeting friends. Some of it was just depression from life in general and the relationship, I wouldn't even know how to start talking about any of it to friends and it was hard for me to be act happy or have fun when I was really miserable. 

So there are so many balls mixed up in one, the BPD, my depression and codependency issues, not having boundaries and taking care of my own needs, along with all the every day life stuff going on.