They don't get simple things

[bus boy]

Something came to my mind today, how the BPD lacks something non's don't. One time my Xw was babbling on about my family, I told her we don't have to like everyone but we have to love them. Something anybody with a shred of humanity can grasp went right over her head, at that point in our r/s something inside me said she's not right.

[Hopefulgirl]

What they don't seem to get is that you can be angry at someone or severely disappointed by them and still love them. As in long time friends or close family. He would claim to me that a family member did not love him and I would end up saying to him things like "Your nephew is eight, just because he wants to sit next to your sister instead of you on Thanksgiving doesn't mean anything". But he never grasped that.

[stimpy]

I read somewhere that if you're ever in a relationship and find yourself explaining the basics of how human relations work, then you are with a disordered or mentally ill person.

To my mind, that is  a great piece of advice and so right. I remember literally saying to my ex - "how do you think that makes me feel" - after she had pulled another of her stunts, and you know what, I never did get an answer . I genuinely think she just didn't know.

I wish I'd read that piece of advice (and understood its implications) before I met her.

[tammym1972]

I've noticed that with my ex. He can't put himself in another person's shoes.

[Fr4nz]

I've noticed that with my ex. He can't put himself in another person's shoes.

That's called lack of empathy, something that BPDs have -- just in a broken form.

Which makes me think: perhaps your ex had NPD traits?

[once removed]

its difficult for anyone to step in another persons shoes when theyre overwhelmed with their own emotions. when youre overwhelmed with your emotions, its difficult to get beyond a feelings = fact mentality.

and in the midst of ones hurt, its difficult to look beyond that hurt, and put yourself in someone elses shoes and much easier to attribute motives that may not apply.

[tammym1972]

its difficult for anyone to step in another persons shoes when theyre overwhelmed with their own emotions. when youre overwhelmed with your emotions, its difficult to get beyond a feelings = fact mentality.

and in the midst of ones hurt, its difficult to look beyond that hurt, and put yourself in someone elses shoes and much easier to attribute motives that may not apply.

I think that is the case with my ex.

[rfriesen]

A characteristic of BPD is black-and-white thinking, which makes it hard to accept that a person has done something that hurts us (or has a quality/disposition we don't like), while nonetheless placing that negative action/quality in context and seeing the big picture.

I think we can all relate to this, to varying degrees. Even an empathetic and self-validating person has to make an effort to hold things in perspective and balance when they feel hurt or slighted by someone close to them. A pwBPD has a tendency to experience such slights and put-downs (real or perceived) as a deeply painful rejection, often triggering an intense emotional response that overwhelms any rational or balanced view of the situation.

And if we're on the receiving end of the rage that can follow from this emotional response ... .well, then it typically becomes very hard for us, in turn, to maintain any sense of balance and perspective, and this can trigger our own core emotional responses to situations that seem to threaten an intense bond.

As once removed points out, we're then operating at the level of feelings = fact, which explains why so much of the push/pull in these relationships can revolve around both partners wanting their feelings recognized and validated. A big danger here is that it all devolves into a battle over whose feelings are "right".

I know this applies to my relationship. I'm still hurt when I think of some of my ex's emotional responses to things. Part of me still wants her to see that her feelings were unreasonable or just plain "wrong". But, after all, they're her feelings. They're not wrong or right in themselves. What made me finally step away from the relationship was understanding that she recognized the rollercoaster quality of her emotions and how destructive her raging could be, but had no interest in trying to change. She said it was "just too hard" to reflect on her own feelings and how she expresses them. Which I have to accept as an honest and fair answer.

But I do wish I had recognized earlier that what hurt me most was not her extreme emotions, but the fact that she had no interest in working at the relationship with me. It would have saved me a lot of walking on eggshells and trying to soothe her feelings. Maybe we would have been able to have more productive conversations about it all, before things got out of hand. But it is what it is. Lessons learned.

bus boy, when something inside of you said "she's not right", how did you deal with that? Did you try to communicate that to your ex? If so, how would that dynamic play out, both from her side and yours?

[jasmine-1234]

Yes the black and white thinking. Either you completely agree with them and are "on their team" as my ex would say, or you are completely betraying them.  There is no in between. You can't love them and disagree.  Even his friends said this about him. He always would use the terms "on my team".

I didn't like when my ex yelled at a fast-food cashier when she asked him if he wanted the "meal" or not.  He made a huge scene! I asked him why he did that and then he held a grudge on me for hours. He insisted I should always "be on his team". I told him I didn't agree with him. He didn't let up until I told him how much I loved him. Mind you this was hours on a plane to Mexico, in the airport going through customs, through a 45 minute car ride until he forced us out of the cab and had a panick attack and had to sit on the side of the road.

Still didn't let up!