Double Standard?

[JerryRG]

Thinking tonight about how I engage my exgf, Friday I got scared and that translated into anger. Frustration at the way she acts and the things she says, I'm not where I need to be so I stop giving her what she seeks, my emotional reaction.

Then I remembered someone saying not to tell pwBPD they have BPD. I can understand why telling someone this, it may trigger cetain feelings, behaviours.

Then I thought about the honesty I get from my friends and family, sponsors are brutally honest as well.

Why not be honest with everyone? I guess my reasoning goes back to foo again. I seen crazy and I called people out on it, I know I did crazy things too, but why lie?

How do people change or even begin to understand themselves, our others if the truth isn't brought up?

This frustrates me and I have always wondered why people lie, I'm no better than anyone else. I just have this way of thinking.

[valet]

Hey Jerry, part of being honest is also realizing the consequences of our decisions.

You can't force your ex to have realizations that would benefit her. You can't force anyone to think how you think that they should. This only plays into dysfunctional dynamics.

Part of healing is understanding that it's ok to let people fail, no matter how much you care for them and want them to succeed. This is painful. It takes a long time to let go of our expectations and fantasies, especially when they are tied to people that directly contradict them with little self-awareness nor willingness to change. They are not bad people. They just see a different shade and don't know how to change their lenses.

It's like continually putting your hand on a hot stove and expecting it not to burn you one day. The stove needs to cool of first before it can be touched... .and some stoves take longer than others to cool. Or maybe they never do. But your part is to learn when the thing is too hot, and act accordingly.

[ArleighBurke]

You want people to be truthful with you because you are "well balanced emotionally" and can put their advice into perspective. A BPD cannot.

I often want to tell my BPD wife she has BPD. She is high functioning and knows she is different. But the common advice is don't tell. A BPD person has a large amount of shame already. An overwhelming feeling that they are not good enough. Not a "thought" that they aren't good enough, but a hard-wired, deeply entrenched, "part of them", etched in stone kind of feeling. Telling them they have BPD just labels them "broken".

Really - a label doesn't matter. As you say - she acts like she acts because her brain is a certain way. If you want, try to work on changing her behaviour. DBT therepy does this. It tries to allow them to see the grey - to see things from both sides at once. But it is very difficult for a BPD to do (like asking a fish to fly).

I will say to my wife "I know you hate when plans change unexpectedly so lets... ." rather than "you have BPD so lets... ."

[ArleighBurke]

Relevant workshop - to tell her she has BPD or not... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0

[JerryRG]

Thank you everyone.

Because I want her well I may assume it a virtue on my part, and it's just another form of control?

[jonmnemonic]

Thank you everyone.

Because I want her well I may assume it a virtue on my part, and it's just another form of control?

Stop trying to fix her.  You can't.  She doesn't want to be fixed and more accurately doesn't see any need to be fixed.  Nothing you say can convince her.  Her mind doesn't process things the way yours does.

[valet]

Wanting her to be well is not a form of control, but trying to project your desires onto her while mentally punishing her for not meeting up to them is unhealthy. Without something to balance this out, you lose grounding... .which only ends up hurting both parties more.

You can want her to be well all you want, and if you think that saying your peace about BPD is a good idea, then there's no stopping you. The goal here is to make you aware that more often than not these type of interventions do not work and only serve to frustrate us and inflame the person with the disorder. Sometimes you gotta call a spade a spade and figure out what the next step is from there.

[JerryRG]

I agree, she's just going to stay sick and be bizarre and do crazy things for as long as she wants.

I just have to keep our son safe from her