Boundary Question

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my DH was married to BPDexw - had 2 kids that are now teenagers. SD13 is showing signs of BPD but undiagnosed. She is currently undergoing home in home therapy and for now living mostly with BPDexw due to lying/ stealing issues.

So I married into this unknowingly basically. I knew BPDexw was " difficult " kids were young, no signs pointing in this direction. Fast forward to our marriage always dealing with issues. So after doing so much research, my life being turned upside down, my own children having issues with dealing with BPD issues and not having a clue... .I finally set some boundaries down.

Due to my DH work schedule I am the primary parent. I not only parent my children by my SS15 who lives with us full time and my SD13 until she recently moved in with mom due to the issues mentioned above. She wanted to live with mom and emotionally I just couldn't take being the primary parent in this situation. Sad, yes. Do I feel guilty? YES! But it was wearing me thin and I couldn't even meet the needs of my own children so I had to make a decision.

My first boundary I set was that SD13 was not allowed over to the house unless her father is home. Simple. Not because I was trying to isolate her, but because I can't deal with her behavior on my own. My problem is my DH keeps challenging this and he still gives in to BPDexw - I feel like my boundaries are being ignored. HELP! I know I sound childish here - but I'm feeling like a third wheel in my own marriage.

What am I doing wrong? Is my boundary too harsh? Recommendations?

[woundedheart]

So my DH was married to BPDexw - had 2 kids that are now teenagers. SD13 is showing signs of BPD but undiagnosed. She is currently undergoing home in home therapy and for now living mostly with BPDexw due to lying/ stealing issues.

So I married into this unknowingly basically. I knew BPDexw was " difficult " kids were young, no signs pointing in this direction. Fast forward to our marriage always dealing with issues. So after doing so much research, my life being turned upside down, my own children having issues with dealing with BPD issues and not having a clue... .I finally set some boundaries down.

Due to my DH work schedule I am the primary parent. I not only parent my children by my SS15 who lives with us full time and my SD13 until she recently moved in with mom due to the issues mentioned above. She wanted to live with mom and emotionally I just couldn't take being the primary parent in this situation. Sad, yes. Do I feel guilty? YES! But it was wearing me thin and I couldn't even meet the needs of my own children so I had to make a decision.

My first boundary I set was that SD13 was not allowed over to the house unless her father is home. Simple. Not because I was trying to isolate her, but because I can't deal with her behavior on my own. My problem is my DH keeps challenging this and he still gives in to BPDexw - I feel like my boundaries are being ignored. HELP! I know I sound childish here - but I'm feeling like a third wheel in my own marriage.

What am I doing wrong? Is my boundary too harsh? Recommendations?

[catclaw]

Hey !
I find your boundary 100% understandable.

Sometimes, I'm in a light version of this and i tell myself "it's his ex, not mine". When he's about to give in to something that affects me, i kindly remind him of this.

You can give advice on how to react to her making a fuss to dh (e.g. i proofread his e-mails to BPDx regarding JADEing) but he's away and you are the one to keep things working in your home. Sd13 needs stable, reliable rules. That way, remind your dh that you need to work together as a couple to keep these rules in place. Otherwise it will be easy for sd13 to do the splitting thing. And this, in return, affects YOU more than him, being the primary parent.

Hang in there   

[soundofmusicgirl]

woundedheart I feel your pain.

Unfortunately boundaries is a subject that is still difficult for my DH as well. Even after being divorced for almost 6 yrs now he still walks on eggshells in some areas.

I think you need to do what keeps you sane. After all you are home with all children and spent the majority of the time with them. I understand the feelings of guilt.

Be strong. But don't let the BPD nor her children drive a wedge between you and your DH. It is extremly hard to keep a marriage together with the constant stress of a BPD in your life.

[woundedheart]

Thank you for your responses. My DH did stick to the boundaries last night when dealing with uBPDexw and uBPDSD13 and true to form it became a major issue... .but he stuck to the boundaries!

[bravhart1]

It took five years for my DH to even see boundry issues, so you aren't alone!

I have had to have many a difficult conversation about the fairness of one persons mental illness ruining multiple people's lives. Your (and my) DH need to understand that they brought this toxic person into not just his and his child's lives, but now yours and your children, and though he may not have caused her illness, but he is responsible for mitigating its effects and the fallout on those loved ones around him.

This isn't easy. And I have agonized more than I like to think about what I've brought into my children's lives too by my choice of mate.

You have EVERY right to draw a boundry around what you can and can't do with your SD. Especially when she exhibits BPD behavior.
 There have been times in my relationship with my SD when she was much younger than your SD that I had to take a step back and put the full responsibility of her on to her father. It wasn't easy for him, but there have to be accommodations made not to the just the BPDp but to the rest of us when we need it, right?

The cost to us to have this difficult person in our lives has been paid by all of us, big and small.
It's been overwhelming at times, and those on this board can attest, there were times I didn't think I was gonna make it
But what I came to learn from those here and from some great therapeutic advice was that I had to take care of me too, and that included using boundries. It's the only way to minimize the damage and keep the BPD from taking over your lives ( and sometimes the kids bring mom into your home without your permission, in spirit ).
You can't do what I did, by saying you are full charge dad, your SD is too old for that. But saying she can't come over unless dad is home seems more than reasonable.  If your SD is allowed to destroy your peace at home, what is left?

[GaGrl]

Our situation was different, because all our children were legal adults when DH and I married. However, DH's ex (uNPD/BPD) was so intrusive to our lives at the beginning of our marriage, I was stunned and had to draw boundaries.

In the end, and it took DH some time to understand this because he continued to see her as difficult but needy and dependent on his counsel, I had to say that our home was OUR home and needed to be my safe place. So... .no calls to our home, no visits (we had his daughter and granddaughter living with us for a short while, and that was an excuse for her to come into our house), no pressure on me to interact with her, etc. If she needed to reach DH and he felt he needed to respond, it was on his cellphone, via text or taking the call at work or on the patio.

You need your safe place and your privacy.

[Panda39]

 I agree it is a learning curve for our partners (and their kids).  There was a reason they were in these relationships and attracted to these people.  They, in their marriages (and relationships) with their BPDex's developed their own patterns and rolls they played within the marriage. The other thing that happens is the dysfunction becomes "normal" and they can get lost in that new crazy "normal".

In my particular situation I think my SO was a people pleaser that tried to set boundaries.  He will be the first to tell you though that when he gets overwhelmed he "shuts down".  The perfect personality for his uBPDxw, that's exactly the reaction she was going for in order to get the things she wanted. She would blow FOG or bully him until she wore him down.  That's why boundaries are so important and learning to defend those boundaries is a key skill when dealing with someone with BPD. 

My SO when we first got together seemed to use me and my reactions as a kind of gage for what was normal/acceptable and what wasn't.  He had forgotten after living in the FOG for 17 years. He was also a pushover that still played the same roll he had when they were married, still being sucked into the drama. 

It takes time to develop those patterns and it takes time and separation to un-develop them too, but it can be done.

Your boundary is not unreasonable stick with it you have the right to live peacefully in your own home and protect the other kids from SD13's disruptive presence.  You may have to show your DH by example how to set a boundary.  Have you told him your reasons for the boundary, that it is important for you right now, that you would appreciate his support, and that this does not have to be permanent but until her behaviors improve you need him to be there when she is?

Just as an aside SD13 may not necessarily have BPD but may have learned some dysfunctional behaviors from her mom.  (I can see this manifested in different ways with both of my SO's daughters)  Also, keep in mind she is a 13 year old teenage girl there is plenty of drama right there alone! 

Keep doing what your doing

Panda39

[Nope]

I'm very lucky. We have SD13 and SS12 full time and my DH has always backed me up 110%. He knows he simply can't meet the kid's needs himself and that he counts in me to do the bulk of the heavy lifting because of his work schedule. The kids have the security of knowing there is no chance of devide and conquer in our house and it does make a difference.

I'm glad your DH is starting to hear your boundaries. You are not doing anything wrong. Your SD13 is probably pretty vocal on the point that you are not her mom so both she and her BPDm need to deal with the reality that you simply aren't obligated to tolerate anybody's abuse. It will probably take a few more blow ups before the boundary is firmed up. Probably a couple of really major blow ups called extinction bursts. But then when your DH sees that eventually, with complete consistency, the boundary will become accepted. If you or your DH is inconsistent then BPDex will know that there is wiggle room in the boundary if she just gets loud enough long enough and it'll take even longer to get to the point of acceptance.

[woundedheart]

Thank you so much for all of your responses.

It's such a comforting feeling to know that I am not alone. Often times we feel so alone in this because not everyone understands.