VIDEO | Conflict and mediation ~ Bill Eddy MS, JD

[livednlearned]

Date: Apr-2016Minutes: 42:26
On conflict, mediation | Bill Eddy

About the Speaker
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College.

[livednlearned]

In this webinar, Bill Eddy talks about BIFF (a technique for communicating with a high-conflict parent), as well as EAR, (an approach that uses validation to avoid aggravating further conflict), and How To Make a Proposal, or how to frame things so that the high-conflict parent does not dwell on the past, and instead focuses on proposals and solutions.

Bill discusses these skills and tools while adding a lot of helpful insight into dealing with high-conflict people, and points out that not all people with BPD are equally high-conflict. Some are more than others. He also describes three types of high-conflict parents:

1) generally cooperative;
2) pretty uncooperative, not dangerous; and
3) uncooperative, potentially dangerous. (These are people who tend to have substance abuse issues and may have prior history of DV, and possibly a comorbid Axis I disorder that is not being treated.)

Some highlights from the webinar:

BIFF: (for responding to hostile communication)

Brief: Keep it brief. Long explanations and arguments trigger upsets for HCPs.
Informative: Focus on straight information, not arguments, opinions, emotions, or defending yourself (you don’t need to).
Friendly: have a friendly greeting (such as “Thanks for responding to my request”); close with a friendly comment (such as “Have a good weekend”).
Firm: Have your response end the conversation. Or give two choices on an issue and ask for a reply by a certain date.

According to Eddy, the more you write, the bigger a target there is for them to aim at. Use your judgment about your particular situation. Eddy spends time discussing specific examples.
 
EAR Statement: Empathy, Attention, & Respect.

This skill is similar to validation. Eddy points out that depending on the type of high-conflict co-parent, this may or may not be as useful. He described the three types this way:

Three types of PD types and how to communicate:

*Generally cooperative: The way you talk can make a difference
*Pretty uncooperative, not dangerous: Best to avoid F2F discussions.
*Uncooperative, dangerous: DV, significant substance abuse, child abuse, extreme alienation, other mental illnesses. In these cases, you are probably not going to want to interact F2F. Or, if you do, keep it to an absolute minimum.

For this reason, EAR is used with BPD sufferers who are generally cooperative, whereas BIFF is more often used with pretty uncooperative or uncooperative people with BPD where F2F interactions are not manageable.

EAR Example: “I can understand your frustration -- this is a very important decision in your life. Don’t worry, I will pay full attention to your concerns about this issue and any proposals you want to make. I have a lot of respect for your commitment to solving this problem, and I look forward to solving it too."

Eddy describes how a person with BPD works: The right brain tends to be very creative, sees the big picture, and also seems to be responsible for detecting threats in the big picture. The left brain is responsible for analyzing problems, coming up with solutions, and looking at details. With someone who is BPD, Eddy describes how, metaphorically, the right hemisphere of their brain splits off and hits the roof. When we use EAR statements, we're trying to bring the right half of the brain down off the ceiling so we can discuss proposals and solutions.

People with BPD often feel there is a threat. It's best to turn things into a “we” problem in order to reach a solution. He describes some different ways that high-conflict people are triggered. Below, the left phrase is their fear, and the right side is how we respond:

Being abandoned: I want to help you, I respect your efforts
Being seen as inferior: I’ll pay attention, I’ll listen
Being ignored: Its just rules we all have to follow

Some other helpful tips:

*Avoid believing or agreeing with content
*Avoid volunteering to “fix it” for them (in an effort to calm down their emotions. High-conflict people blame others who make decisions for them. Don’t become responsible for their problem by suggesting the solution.)
*Be honest about empathy and respect (find something you truly believe).
*If you are stuck, just say, “I’m paying attention, tell me more.”
*Depending on the type of PD, you may want to keep an arms-length relationship. Don’t get too close.
*Also, keep in mind. You don’t have to listen forever. HCPs don’t seem to grieve and heal losses. They keep repeating the past over and over. They don’t get things off their chest, which causes them to complain over and over. Give them an EAR statement, and then ask them for their proposal.
*Sometimes, the best response is no response.

[livednlearned]

Eddy mentions that, after the court stuff is all done, parents wonder if they should have no contact or be friendly. Eddy recommends trying to have a balance. Not too close, not too rejecting. Of divorced couples, 75% do not have a friendly relationship (that's for all divorcing couples not just high-conflict). Eddy recommends that parents find a balance that you can maintain over the years. Don’t try to solve problems by being too friendly. If you are absolutely rejecting, that often keeps triggering them. Structure things so you can keep things in a stable relationship. Find a comfortable arms-length relationship.

How to Make a Proposal

Any concern about the past can be turned into a proposal about the future. Eddy has a little book called: So What’s Your Proposal.

Proposals include:

*Who does What, When and Where

Make sure the high-conflict person is responsible for problem solving.

How to respond to a propsal.

First ask questions.
*Can you give me some more details?
*What is your picture of what I would do in your proposal?
*How would you take xxxx into account?

After you hear a proposal and ask questions, just say:

*Yes, no, or I’ll think about it.
*Avoid criticizing a proposal. Just say yes, no or I’ll think about it.
*And if you don’t like a proposal, make a new one.

Proposals tend to lead to agreements. If you dictate something, the high-conflict parent will likely undermine it.

How to manage proposals when there is a mediator involved. (This involves Eddy demonstrating how this works with two very realistic high-conflict parents. They both lacked good problem-solving skills, and Eddy was able to neutralize them despite hot emotions and a lot of blaming.)

*Avoid criticizing a proposal. Just say, Yes No or I’ll think about it.
*If you don’t like a proposal, just make a new one.
*What should we do now…

Useful Skills for High Conflict:

Check yourself!
*Flexible thinking
*Managed emotions
*Moderate behaviors

These are the skills Eddy discusses in both of his books: Splitting, as well as Don't Alienate the Kids.