Moderate to intense anxiety at moments.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've noticed the past month or so that whenever I'm alone or have down time at work, I can slip into a state of feeling very physically anxious. Heart-racing, muscle tension, a general feeling of panic or something not being right. This has happened before—the first time I cut off/limited contact with my pwBPD. Historically, I used to have panic attacks infrequently when I was younger. I haven't had them as an adult. At several moments in my childhood I thought my father might be in danger (I believed he was a danger to himself at moments, even as a kid), or that my mother was going leave him and take me and my sister away. There was a somewhat constant threat that my family unit was going to drastically change probably around my 10th birthday. Things got better there, but I never viewed my family as that bow and ribbon group. There was always a chip on the shoulder. So this is precedented not just by my experience in my relationship, but well before then.

I can deal with this on a mental level by reassuring myself that I am alright. Really, the symptoms are only physical. I don't compound them further by thinking that something is wrong, or make them any bigger than just what they are—bodily sensations.

But alas, in general I find that as they persist I am becoming frustrated with them. I know that this is a process and that if I stay the course they'll fade in time, but I sometimes I catch myself wishing that they would just stop! I suppose what I'd want is some sort of a timetable, but I know these things don't work like that... .and that it would be hard to say even for a trained professional.

Either way, I was wondering if anyone had experience with these feelings?

[valet]

I've noticed the past month or so that whenever I'm alone or have down time at work, I can slip into a state of feeling very physically anxious. Heart-racing, muscle tension, a general feeling of panic or something not being right. This has happened before—the first time I cut off/limited contact with my pwBPD. Historically, I used to have panic attacks infrequently when I was younger. I haven't had them as an adult. At several moments in my childhood I thought my father might be in danger (I believed he was a danger to himself at moments, even as a kid), or that my mother was going leave him and take me and my sister away. There was a somewhat constant threat that my family unit was going to drastically change probably around my 10th birthday. Things got better there, but I never viewed my family as that bow and ribbon group. There was always a chip on the shoulder. So this is precedented not just by my experience in my relationship, but well before then.

I can deal with this on a mental level by reassuring myself that I am alright. Really, the symptoms are only physical. I don't compound them further by thinking that something is wrong, or make them any bigger than just what they are—bodily sensations.

But alas, in general I find that as they persist I am becoming frustrated with them. I know that this is a process and that if I stay the course they'll fade in time, but I sometimes I catch myself wishing that they would just stop! I suppose what I'd want is some sort of a timetable, but I know these things don't work like that... .and that it would be hard to say even for a trained professional.

Either way, I was wondering if anyone had experience with these feelings?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Valet:    '
I'm sorry you are having a problem with anxiety.  I think that some of us have a genetic predisposition for it and evolve to have the problem occasionally.  Sometimes, I think stressful events can tip the balance of our brain chemistry a bit.

If you can reflect on your past bouts with anxiety, have they mostly been during the Fall and Winter?  It could be that you are prone to Winter Depression (SAD).  I have a tendency to have that problem.  Through the years, the duration and timing has varied a bit, but as I've gotten older, it has gotten more consistent.  It used to be more subtle, and perhaps not hit until after Christmas (and for only a week or two). I've noticed that when I've been under extreme stress, I'll tend to have more anxiety during a particular Fall/Winter.

As the days start to get noticeable shorter, it tends to kick in.  For the last few years, I've taken a low dose of the antidepressant, Celexa, during the Fall and Winter.  I've found that bright-light therapy, with full spectrum lighting, helps me as well.

One Fall/Winter I was drinking a lot of coffee (brewing Starbucks at home) and was taking the antibiotic, Cipro.  I learned later that that antibiotic exaggerates the impact of coffee.  I had a horrible panic attack and my BP went very high.  After that, I had panic episodes for a few months.  I generally had a panic episode every time I went to a meeting in a conference room.  I managed to hide them, but it put a new meaning to "hating staff meeting". 

But alas, in general I find that as they persist I am becoming frustrated with them. I know that this is a process and that if I stay the course they'll fade in time, but I sometimes I catch myself wishing that they would just stop! I suppose what I'd want is some sort of a timetable, but I know these things don't work like that... .and that it would be hard to say even for a trained professional.

Hopefully, they will fade sooner versus later.  A low dose of an antidepressant suited for anxiety, could be helpful, but it will generally take around 3-4 weeks to kick in.  I've generally found that exercise can bring some relief.

[valet]

Hey NN, thanks for the reply.

I don't think this is a seasonal issue. I've never had any problems with SAD, nor have I experienced these feelings on a consistent basis during any given time of year. The consistency and intensity that I feel with this sort of anxiety has only occurred towards the end of my relationship, and in the aftermath since, at least as far as my adulthood has been concerned. I'm not saying that old wounds weren't opened up here, just trying to provide an accurate description.

To give you some background: relationship with pwBPD ended, then tried to maintain a friendship. That was ok but something felt wrong about it—there was no connection there, not even at the friend level. She had checked out in the same way that she did at the end of the relationship. Despite this, the anxiety diminished over time, and I want to say that from November 2015 - April 2016 I didn't experience any negative symptoms. I travelled for a month or so in May and June, and somewhere in the middle of that trip something in me snapped and I slipped into a state of near complete numbness. I didn't know what it was, but after a few conversations with close friends (I had been doing some not so subtle lashing out on social media; I had started to become more aware of how she had really treated me, and it made me very angry) I found out that my ex had been cheating, which implied that she had also been lying to me for nearly 2 additional years after the relationship ended. After discovering that, a few months ago I broke off contact for good. Now, the anxiety is similar to how it felt in the immediate months after the breakup. So I suppose there was some subconscious reasoning for how I felt in the summer. Strange to think.

I'm not trying to play the blame game here. I've educated myself a lot in the last couple years, and I feel pretty detached from the pain and sadness of that loss. But I do think that there is a correlation here. Something more powerful is stirring underneath, perhaps things that I failed to address before in my efforts to stay in contact.

Don't get me wrong. I have definitely noticed things improving. The past month or so has been filled with progress, but now I'm starting to experience this anxiety. I'm assuming this is just a stage of healing. Exercise helps quite a bit. So does staying busy and working on the projects that I'm interested in. I'm not interested in medication. I feel strong enough to cope with the feelings on my own.

I think perhaps I just needed to vent a bit... .I feel a lot better after writing that.

[foggydew]

Valet, the same thing has been happening to me too. The physical symptoms seemed to be unrelated to what was going on at the moment... even if I was watching a film, reading or talking to friends, the unpleasant tension would rise and keep going. A 'fix' of normal contact to friend, or talking about the situation, or coming on here would reduce the anxiety. I think you are right, there is an underlying problem which was both soothed and triggered by the BpD relationship.
My symptoms are improving and I can eat again (a mixed blessing!  ). Hope the healing continues for us both.

[Grey Kitty]

Well, I'm not prone to physical symptoms of anxiety; my stuff comes out in other ways. (Generally checking out and numbing, and low-grade enervated depression)

That said, this crap comes when it wants to, not when you think it should show up.

Sometimes it shows up not because you got a new dose of #$%@# from your ex... .but because you newly realized that you had been subjected to/allowed yourself to be given some form of abuse/mistreatment/betrayal. Even though the actions are old, if you just realized it, for you, it feels new.

So perhaps there is more reason than you realized. But reason or not, it is there.

I've found the same for myself--I don't think I "should" be this depressed, but that doesn't seem to change how I feel. If anything, it makes it worse.

[Sunfl0wer]

I've noticed the past month or so that whenever I'm alone or have down time at work, I can slip into a state of feeling very physically anxious. Heart-racing, muscle tension, a general feeling of panic or something not being right. This has happened before—the first time I cut off/limited contact with my pwBPD.

Following my own relationship breakup, I realized something similar, that I became very anxious when there was down time, alone time.  

Initially I was running from this feeling by working overtime, -drowning out my thoughts.

Sometimes I ruminated over my ex -also drowning out my thoughts of myself.

Then I connected the dots, realized that all that time with him, I had disappeared to myself.  Never was I really left with the quietness of my thoughts because there was always some shading to my inner world that included him, and crisis mode over many aspects of the relationship.

So after relationship... .
After I quit ruminating over the breakup again and again... .

I was left with a silence in my mind.
It felt deafening!
It made me freak out!

I realized that I needed to relearn who I am, recreate who I am sorta, and learn to simply... .
Peacefully sit with myself and enjoy myself
Enjoy myself "as is"
Without putting myself in relation to another thing or role.

So strip away... .
my worker role
My mom role
The role of me being "his ex"
Etc... .

Leave the "bare bones" of me without any context and what is it I was left with?
What thoughts were floating in my mind?

I found a lot of negativity that I became aware of and was hiding from myself.
Then I began listening more to myself... .

So yea, kinda weirdly articulated, sorry... .

I just suspect... .
With so much external chaos and business that is prevalent... .
Many folks may have forgotten to listen and enjoy the peacefulness of themself
And well, sometimes myself doesn't seem so peaceful, may seem anxious or depressed, and then I try to sit with that and be ok with it.

Ok... .that was a long ramble that may not be relevant to you, idk... .

So will add last practical bit... .

For me, besides usual therapy, and mindfulness and eating well and such... .
I began listening to guided meditations

The really helped me to learn a new "default" mode of where my mind can wander when solo.

I especially like Deepak Chopra

[Reforming]

Hi Valet,

I think you're theory that some of the stuff the you locked away during your post breakup friendship is being process may well be right.

By cutting off all contact, which sounds like the right strategy, you're confronting reality that your relationship is over. Even though you feel detached intellectually there may well be some residue of feelings that need to be worked through. No biggie and totally natural.

Just be kind to yourself and don't lock up your feelings

Good luck

R

[valet]

That's the inherently difficult part of it, Grey Kitty. The idea that even though there is no immediate cause of the the anxiety, it's kind of lingering there, and sometimes it shows up.

I've been doing a lot of reading about complex trauma (stemming from both childhood and adulthood) and it all makes quite a bit of sense when I frame it around my own experiences. This is kind of what makes it tolerable. I know that it is just something else... .that I am not in danger or trapped emotionally. But the feelings are still there, regardless, which is pretty annoying at times. And then there is still a certain measure or doubt surrounding this explanation, just because it is such a complicated psychological subject. Heck, this stuff hasn't really even been fully explained by the scientific community!

I'm giving myself the day off today. It has been a busy 2 months. Hopefully with a little more rest and relaxation I can reduce these episodes. And maybe I should start to track them a bit more on the calendar or something. It might be useful just to see what progress actually looks like!

[Sunfl0wer]

I've been doing a lot of reading about complex trauma (stemming from both childhood and adulthood) and it all makes quite a bit of sense when I frame it around my own experiences. This is kind of what makes it tolerable. I know that it is just something else... .that I am not in danger or trapped emotionally. But the feelings are still there, regardless, which is pretty annoying at times. And then there is still a certain measure or doubt surrounding this explanation, just because it is such a complicated psychological subject. Heck, this stuff hasn't really even been fully explained by the scientific community!

Pardon the long windedness of me today please... .
Could barely help myself tho.

Reminds me of my current therapy.
I kinda stumbled or stalked, not sure which... .A different therapist for myself.  He specializes in trauma.  I started therapy at 5! Have been on/off my whole life and somehow never saw anyone proficient in trauma all that time?

Anyway... .
I now highly recommend anyone with cPTSD see someone who does trauma, knows EMDR, cause even if you don't want EMDR, having a T trained in trauma methods is a whole new world for me.

Most recently we switched to a method called Affective Circuit Resetting and this helps address preverbal infant, early life traumas.

I would not have thought something so kinda, simple as waving a finger before me effective at anything but making me dizzy.  Yet, it is working.  My mind feels like the T is clearing away stuff that has been stuck from preverbal times for me.  Weird! Yea, I do think it is weird!

Yet, it really freakin works!

[valet]

No worries Sunflower. I'm glad you're contributing. It's nice to see the responses so far.  

I've been thinking more seriously about getting myself to a T that specializes a little bit more in these techniques. In the past I've used therapy more as a checking up tool—something to keep me honest with my emotions and make sure that I wasn't stashing too much away. I've transitioned those things to close friends and haven't seen a T in probably 6 months, but it might be really valuable to go super deep into it with someone that has the experience.

Reforming: Thanks. That feels good to read. I've never really elaborated it like you've said ('you're confronting the reality that your relationship is over' in my head. This is a confrontation with that reality. Very grounding for sure. I'll carry that forward. I like the idea.

foggydew: Thanks for being able to identify with that. It's nice to hear that others have gone through similar, and that there most certainly is the future reality that this will drop off if I stay wise about myself and make healthy choices.  

[Sunfl0wer]

I've transitioned those things to close friends and haven't seen a T in probably 6 months, but it might be really valuable to go super deep into it with someone that has the experience.

Clarifying... .
Actually... .

EMDR and/or ACR doesn't have to be deep at all and that is one wonderful thing about it!
ACR specifically, he does not want it to get deep and triggering. 

 

[Grey Kitty]

That's the inherently difficult part of it, Grey Kitty. The idea that even though there is no immediate cause of the the anxiety, it's kind of lingering there, and sometimes it shows up.

Ugh, tell me about it. These feelings come and go on their own schedule. I've wished I could change it too.

[Reforming]

I think we can process trauma in different ways.

When we intellectualise it our head can race ahead of our hearts which can leave us struggling to understand why we still feel pain and grief.

Schema therapy uses guided imagery to help people process trauma. It's generally used to help resolve childhood trauma

It works a bit like this. Your T invites you to pick a point in the past that provokes very strong feelings. It's important to do this honestly without over analysing. The T then asks you to close your eyes and describe the scene in detail. The setting, the clothes people, the smells and the sounds and then your feelings. They ask your permission to step back into point in time and join you. They ask you to describe your feelings and then they offer you comfort and support making it clear that they want to understand your needs and try and meet them

It's surprisingly effective at resolving emotional pain and trauma

 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Just sharing some tools.  I've found that with stress and/or anxiety, it can be helpful for us to have various tools to use at different points in time and/or in different situations.  Sometimes, it can be helpful to find a different version of something we are already using.

10 JOURNALING TIPS
www.tinybuddha.com/blog/10-journaling-tips-to-help-you-heal-grow-and-thrive/

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

The breathing exercises above can be done just about anywhere at any time.  Sometimes, when I get very anxious, I think I hyperventilate a bit.  I've found that if I do the 4-7-8 breathing exercise, and cup my hands over my nose and mouth, that I can get some relief from symptoms of feeling a bit light-headed (and sometimes a feeling of tightness in the jaw area).  First, I breath in for a count of 4, then cup my hands over my nose and mouth.  Then I hold my breath for the 7 count  and exhale for the 8 count (without removing my hands).   I continue on with the 4-7-8 pattern, with my hands in place.  This is sort of a simplified version of breathing into a paper bag for hyperventilation.   It is something I forget about at times.  I had been feeling rather light headed over the last few days, and just feeling like I had a cloud in my head.  I started using the breathing exercise, with using my cupped hands, and it has appeared to help.

[valet]

I think we can process trauma in different ways.

When we intellectualise it our head can race ahead of our hearts which can leave us struggling to understand why we still feel pain and grief.

Schema therapy uses guided imagery to help people process trauma. It's generally used to help resolve childhood trauma

It works a bit like this. Your T invites you to pick a point in the past that provokes very strong feelings. It's important to do this honestly without over analysing. The T then asks you to close your eyes and describe the scene in detail. The setting, the clothes people, the smells and the sounds and then your feelings. They ask your permission to step back into point in time and join you. They ask you to describe your feelings and then they offer you comfort and support making it clear that they want to understand your needs and try and meet them

It's surprisingly effective at resolving emotional pain and trauma

 

Schema modes have always been an interesting topic to me. I've done some reading and try to practice that knowledge when I remember. It definitely makes communication with everyone in my life easier—and it's a good reminder that nothing really is personal... .and that some are better than others at communicating their needs in a clear and concise fashion.

NN, you have some good stuff too. I generally practice most of these things in my own way, which leads me to my next point.

I really haven't been giving myself the time that I need to feel good. My schedule has been crazy, and it's only depriving me of my usual 'sit down somewhere and be introspective' time. For the first couple months, I steamrolled through it. It was nice to feel busy and productive. But one day off is not going to cut it. I'm re-arranging things to give myself some more time strictly for my own use, to do what I enjoy. I feel like it's only making things worse if I don't have enough time to decompress.

A simple solution, but that's usually how it works. I don't need to make things difficult on myself.

[valet]

Today was another weird one. Disassociated at work today for a minute (for the first time in a long time), but I managed to acknowledge it and I calmed down. I wonder what triggered it... .

On the flip side, this past week has been really good. I think things are starting to normalize inside.

I suppose I'm just throwing this out there. Writing about these things with some kind of audience helps quite a bit.

[Reforming]

Today was another weird one. Disassociated at work today for a minute (for the first time in a long time), but I managed to acknowledge it and I calmed down. I wonder what triggered it... .

On the flip side, this past week has been really good. I think things are starting to normalize inside.

I suppose I'm just throwing this out there. Writing about these things with some kind of audience helps quite a bit.

Sharing and being heard can help a lot. I'm glad that things got better ever the last week. Two steps forward  - one step best describes my healing experience. I think that our impatience for recovery can sometimes make it harder.

The Schema modes are really useful but I think many Schema therapists feel that guided imagery is the single most effective tool because it's allow us to access our feelings and reframe our emotional truths.

Good luck

Reforming

[Borderlinestar]

I started DBT again a very relaxed group for just a month to work on my attacks and doing the emotional regulation sheets has given me an opening to heal and change.  And i had to set limits in relationship and some med changes. So for me i needed an overhaul. Modification. It worked. I transformed. I was still operating from a place of abandonment and was not conscious of it. I am fully awake now.