Got an email - responding here so I didn't respond to her

[Kelli Cornett]

So I got another email yesterday after being discarded about 3 weeks ago

I haven't and won't respond but my head just keeps writing responses back so I thought I'd get it out here so I can release it
(Fingers crossed)

Here's the email:

It's hard to tell you this... .but I was set-up on this date today.  It was awful. She told me I was a horrible person because all I talked about was "You"   
I just left the restaurant crying. I know we are "over" but, I still miss you.   

My response by category
Sarcastic
That's funny

Bitter
If the designer shoe fits... .

Astounded
Seriously? You dump me and then want to tell me about your date?

Therapeutic - r u nuts?
Um so you have basically no idea why you dumped me or what you want including male or female but you think you in a position to date?

Random
Lovely to know I meant so much to you that you're dating so soon... .

Angry
You are a horrible person - that chick is smarter than I am as she saw it right away

Pathetic
Although it hurts that you're dating there's a part of me that's pathetically happy to hear from you and that you miss me although I know that very little of what you say is true

Call out the lies
Um yeah like no one knows your bi so who would set you up?
So last email you told me you had to leave because your husband that you're seperated from is in coma but appparwntly the people around you thought what a great time for a date?
I may be naive but I'm not stupid
If your going to lie at least show you are college educated and do a better. Job

What I should do but can't yet... .
Block the email

Eventually one will come telling me how happy she is or something eventually cruel and I'm setting
Myself to be crushed


What I will work on
Myself
And praying that I give this woman less of my time and space in my head and my heart
Letting go
Forgiveness

Thanks for letting me
Vent
I hope this exercise gives
Me
Some release

[fromheeltoheal]

Good move telling us instead of responding brahmin, and you sure came up with a lot of responses!

I don't know all the details of your story, but it can be helpful to put it in the context of the disorder: borderlines hate to lose an attachment because it's interpreted as abandonment, regardless of what actually went down in the relationship, regardless of the fact she left you, so that email was a borderline in pull mode.

And what you do with it, what you make it mean, is up to you.  Contact attempts like that are a great way to check in and see how your detachment is going, it hasn't been very long for you and you're still raw, so you're going to ruminate on it, play it over and over, come up with a lot of possible responses, totally normal and natural as you come out of the fog, grieve, and process the emotions and detach.  It can be helpful to see how long it affects you, and it's likely she will try again, and next time, if you're working through your detachment, it won't take as long to get back to "normal".  And at some point you may decide that reading the email isn't doing you any favors, so you won't, you'll just delete it or block it so you don't even get it.

Detachment is a process, and if you make it a project you can look at everything that happens as part of the project, an opportunity, on the way to creating and building a bright future, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

[rfriesen]

I haven't and won't respond but my head just keeps writing responses back so I thought I'd get it out here so I can release it
(Fingers crossed)

... .

Thanks for letting me
Vent
I hope this exercise gives
Me
Some release

Hi brahmin,

I do hope this exercise gave you some release! The fact that you could map out so many of the voices you hear responding to her ... .that tells me you have good self-awareness of your feelings and that you're letting yourself feel them. I think that's the most essential part of finding release. As FHTH says, detaching is a process. I'm almost eight months out from my final break-up with my ex, and I find that letting go and finding release is still a process. It gets much much easier with time, but it's more like ten thousand small releases than a single breakthrough (or a few great releases). That's been my experience, at least.

I don't say that to be discouraging -- just the opposite! Every little step is money in the bank, and will pay off with interest eventually.

[Turkish]

I confess that I still do this to this day in my head, 3 years later. It helps me to not spout off impulsively which would induce conflict.