Another massive rage last night, but boundaries are...working?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, another huge rage against me and s7 last night.  Finally, S7 is safely in bed, and it's lecture time.  As per usual, I'll listen to her main point, try to validate, and when she moves on to everything that ever happened in the last 10 years, I'll say it's not really helping us, and walk away. 

Always, she attackes me with personal insults, stupid, parasite, useless, etc.  Last night, I tried something different.  I said "If you're just going to insult me, I'll just leave this conversation".  And... .she stopped, whilst trying to justify it.

Later, I left the conversation, and went upstairs, she followed me, keen on escalation.  I kept walking away, saying I'd already heard her main point 4 or 5 times, I understood her thinking, and this angry fighting wasn't going to help us.

She went to hit me with the hairdryer she was carrying... .and I said "You're going to hit ma again, are you?", in reference to the last big fight where she'd physically attacked me, after which I didn't back down for a week.  And she... .stopped. Seems the boundary worked.  Again she insulted me, and i said if you're going to do that, I'll leave.  The insults stopped.  Eventually, she gave up and went back down stairs.

It was still a terrible night, super stressful.  But are boundaries working?

[PFCI]

So, another huge rage against me and s7 last night.  Finally, S7 is safely in bed, and it's lecture time.  As per usual, I'll listen to her main point, try to validate, and when she moves on to everything that ever happened in the last 10 years, I'll say it's not really helping us, and walk away. 

Always, she attackes me with personal insults, stupid, parasite, useless, etc.  Last night, I tried something different.  I said "If you're just going to insult me, I'll just leave this conversation".  And... .she stopped, whilst trying to justify it.

Later, I left the conversation, and went upstairs, she followed me, keen on escalation.  I kept walking away, saying I'd already heard her main point 4 or 5 times, I understood her thinking, and this angry fighting wasn't going to help us.

She went to hit me with the hairdryer she was carrying... .and I said "You're going to hit ma again, are you?", in reference to the last big fight where she'd physically attacked me, after which I didn't back down for a week.  And she... .stopped. Seems the boundary worked.  Again she insulted me, and i said if you're going to do that, I'll leave.  The insults stopped.  Eventually, she gave up and went back down stairs.

It was still a terrible night, super stressful.  But are boundaries working?

[Notwendy]

Looks like they did.

But the measure of a boundary working is you- your holding them up, and then feeling better about yourself when you do. Our boundaries reflect our values, and when we uphold them- we honor ourselves. When we let them down- we feel in a sense that we let ourselves down.

Someone with BPD can test the boundaries frequently- so the measure of how well we uphold them isn't based entirely on their behavior, but if they don't feel their behavior- the attempt to break them down- is working , they may give up.

But giving up one method doesn't mean giving up entirely. If one thing doesn't work- they may try something else. Our job is to stay firm. Eventually, through trial and error, they may learn that the boundary is a boundary.

For that to happen, we need to stand firm through the trials.

[formflier]

 

Yes... .this is getting better!  Keep it up.

A few coaching points.

It seems like it was obvious she was "ready to go" and you were trying to catch up... .

"Hey... .can you slow down a bit?  This conversation is important to me... .I want to get it right" (yes... ignore insults and such at this point.)

follow with...

"Hey babe... .what is the one main thing you want me to understand right now?"

I'm a little reluctant to advise you to attempt validation... .because many times when a pwBPD is already "ramped up"... validation comes across as insulting or patronizing.  

OK... .so... if this doesn't work and it's time to leave the conversation.

"I need to leave the conversation to sort out my thoughts.  I'll check back in with you in 10 minutes to see if we can continue."


Big picture:  Yes I think boundaries worked.  I also think she had some fear of abandonment going on and she realized you would make good on your threats to leave.  (yes... informed speculation on my part)

I would hope you can get away from "if you do x... .I will do y".   Sometimes it can be like waving a red cape at a bull (think bull fighting)... .in your case it seems to have worked.  So... .use it sparingly... .be ready for it not to work.

You are getting the hang of this... .keep it up.

FF