introduction

[Lucy2016]

Hi everyone

First, it's a great relief just to learn that I am not alone in this situation, and I am not crazy.

I am not sure if my husband has BPD (he refuses to go to counselling), but I've been doing a lot of online research, and many of the symptoms seem to fit. I think he may also have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or a high conflict personality. For years, our relationship has been plagued with fits of rage, followed by the silent treatment, usually over small or imagined slights. During the rages, he calls me "stupid," "childish," "pathetic," etc., and often uses foul language. He constantly complains that I never listen to him, don't care about him, and treat him terribly after all he has done for me. He controls every aspect of our lives, and become enraged if I disagree with him or question anything.

He admitted to one adulterous affair, but I suspect there may be others. Almost all of his Facebook friends are female, and he has many female acquaintances who he meets for lunch while I am at work. When I try to explain that this isn't normal behavior in a marriage, he says that he is lonely and needs friends, and that these women are just friends. He complains of boredom and loneliness, but refuses to do anything but meet and associate with his female acquaintances. He will talk obsessively about a great new friend he has met, only to discard her as soon as she becomes, in his words, "too demanding."

Trying to talk through our conflicts doesn't seem to work.  As soon as he hears something he doesn't like, we go into the rage/ silent treatment pattern. I love him, but sometimes I wish I could break free from this chaos. I fear what might happen if I try to leave: the emotional and financial revenge, the smear campaign against me. I am somewhat conflict averse, so the thought of going through a high-conflict divorce is overwhelming.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

Welcome! I think we all struggle for a while with the go/stay dilemma.

Expecting him to change is probably futile. However, YOU can change, and that can have positive effects on your sanity, and sometimes the relationship.

Trying to talk through our conflicts doesn't seem to work.

Talking with a BPD is different to talking with a non. "Problem Solving" is often impossible. Instead, conversations should focus on how they FEEL, just to let them vent. That often makes them feel better straight away. A good conversation technique is Validation.

[Female friends] When I try to explain that this isn't normal behavior in a marriage... .

Don't try to change him. It won't work. Instead, do one of two things:
1) Realise that this is your own insecurities talking (which is natural). You worry that he will have an affair or something similar. You may need to work on this yourself.
2) Impose a "boundary". A boundary is something to protect yourself, and normally in the form "I don't like X. When you do X, I will protect myself my doing Y". It is NOT aimed to change his behaviour. For him socialising with women, I can't think of an appropriate boundary. But "I don't condone affairs. If you have an affair, I will leave you" would work (but only if you *DO* leave him - this is not supposed to be a threat).

Read about Validation and Boundaries here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0