How long were you involved before you knew they weren't mentally healthy?

[Confused108]

I'm just curious how long some of us were with our ex BPDs before we started seeing that something just wasn't right with them.mime was about 2 months of craziness! I knew my ex from 12 yo. Dated her at 14 and after we were broken up she became this diffrent person. When I tried to get back she wanted that too then weeks later didn't. Pushed / pulled and then painted me black for 26 years. Found me on Facebook and last year came on to me and I belived every word. I had no idea how sick she was or I would have ran. It didn't take her long to start her push/ pull behaviour . Like within 2 weeks she told me she wasn't interested anymore. Then she was. Then a week after that she wasn't again then she was. Then came the rages and accusations I was looking for another person to be with. I was so stupid to ignore all these Red flags. Then she was good for a few weeks then after a minor disagreement I was told she needed space and time and 2 days after complete silent treatment she dumped me thru an email. So basically she started crazy behaviour 2 weeks after she claimed she still loved me after all those years ago. How long did anyone else's ex take to start with those Red Flags?

[Turkish]

I knew from the beginning after spotting her from across a room.  We were mentors for at risk youth.  In the first introductory session, I noticed she sitting conspicuously away from the rest of us.  I intuited, "that one doesn't trust people." I found out later that was true; she told me. Months later,  when we were "friends dating" she told me that she wasn't over the boyfriend before her last boyfriend.  Then she said, "with me,  you'll get both heaven and hell."

I took this as a challenge,  and puzzle to solve.  And here I am.  Tied together forever due to the kids.  

Thinking back, I knew better,  but went ahead anyway.  

What do you think caused you to ignore the red flags?  

[Moselle]

I saw red flags when I dated her. She was disregulated and desperately keeping up the act. I was confused but put it down to nervousness.

And I figured. She could change. I could help

She was so kind,  charming and helpful. Perfect actually. After a year of marriage we started to have serious arguments and it took 10 years for the really abusive fraudulent, rage filled, dangerous personality to emerge.

[Fr4nz]

If I have to be honest, I saw pretty big red flags right from the start; when we were friends, before the start of our r/s, she got drunk several times, she had an abortion -- she remained pregnant with a past lover -- and she had some big meltdowns related to issues with a past lover and the job she had at that time.

I overlooked these things because she was funny and interesting as hell... .in some sense, she filled a void in my life (keep in mind that she is definitely an undiagnosed BPD/HPD).

When we started our relationship, these patterns intensified a lot, with a continuous stream of rages and dramas directed towards me. Mix with these things petty fights, binge drinking and cheating (the cheating happened in the last 6 months of our r/s, at least as far as I know), and you have the complete picture.

All in all, I can't say I didn't spot huge red flags right from the beginning... .I just overlooked them, because I didn't have enough knowledge related to psychology stuff and she was definitely filling a void in my life with her flamboyant, life-of-the-party personality.

Anyway, towards the end these dysfunctional behaviours got so strong that I was thinking to leave her, I couldn't bear anymore her emotional instability... .she just anticipated me.

[neverloveagain]

There were lots of warnings along the journey but at year 4 the flips between her false self and true self got scary. But I was in deep by then and I decided to love her anyway and try harder, the grand finale didn't happen till year 10. Do not resuscitate.

[Confused108]

I knew from the beginning after spotting her from across a room.  We were mentors for at risk youth.  In the first introductory session, I noticed she sitting conspicuously away from the rest of us.  I intuited, "that one doesn't trust people." I found out later that was true; she told me. Months later,  when we were "friends dating" she told me that she wasn't over the boyfriend before her last boyfriend.  Then she said, "with me,  you'll get both heaven and hell."

I took this as a challenge,  and puzzle to solve.  And here I am.  Tied together forever due to the kids.  

Thinking back, I knew better,  but went ahead anyway.  

What do you think caused you to ignore the red flags?  

To be honest Turkish I just chalked it up to her being so scared from what my mom did to her and she was really just afraid I would hurt her again. My mom threatened this girls life at 14 yo. And my mom told her I was dating another person and that was a lie. She was my friend before our romance and a good friend at that time.  I guess I thought how could you do those things to me ( lying push / pull split black) bc you should also value our friendship. I had NO IDEA about her being so mentally ill either. She was admitted into a mental hospital months after our breakup and from what our mutual friends said was she came out worse then when she went in. They diagnosed her as Bopolar. Well that's what she told me last year. Now I have 2 Bipolar friends and they don't act like her. At all. After her discard of me last Sept I just wanted to help her. I had contacted her family . Her sister and her mother with No Response from either one. Now I feel that maybe my ex had lied to me about being bipolar and was really diagnosed BPD. I only say this because she would use an awful lot of key words to me regarding the disorder. Like black and white thinking, silent treatment and a few others I can't remember. So anything is possible.

[Curiously1]

I knew it clearly from the start something was wrong. I knew she was really insecure and lacked boundaries. But I kept justifying it was just cos of her childhood and that being with me could make all of that better. That she will experience better while with me. I knew that she was moving things too fast as well. Especially that she told everyone on her social media I was her girlfriend without even asking me and that it was just the second week of dating me . All of those signs are very obvious to me but kept justifying she is just super excited about dating. I remember it clearly, after she wrote that it was already assumed we were already serious and the next thing was to have me move into her place the following week. I was a bit arrogant and thought it was hilarious how crazy she was about me but I liked reading about how much she enjoyed our dates. I just thought wow, she is having a blast while with me. I never moved in with her though. Ever. I knew it'd be too stressful and her place was a huge mess and probably why I never did move in. I continued being emotionally distant for a while, amazed at all the attention I was getting and continuing to bother her as to why she was that way with me. She kept reassuring me why and even how crazy I thought the explanation was, I justified it was just cute and innocent. I felt better than her mentally in comparison. I felt in control - at least at the beginning. I liked her intensity. I liked her drama to be honest and how much I was adored by her and how she leaned on me. I  liked feeling like I could take care of somebody else and she really appreciated everything about me and it was just, wow. I got sucked in eventually. I felt less insecure about myself and grew dependent on her in the way she filled me up. I thought I was loved for who I really am. Especially that I wasn't that interested at the beginning. I knew she was mentally ill but I didnt know how far down the line she was or how bad it could get or when to quit trying taking care of someone I love and care about. When she told me she has BPD I didn't know much about it and thought it wasn't a big deal or that she was just using it because she wanted more pity. Her last story was about having cured it now and doesn't have it. I am the person with BPD now last she has discovered... .and she should know cos she used to have it! I think the issue with me is that I find mentally ill people more attractive than nons. Attracted to people that need my help and kind of addicted to drama and helping people get out of it. I realise there is something wrong liking these types of people and putting myself in uncomfortable situations or situations healthier people would have ran away from. I liked the high. I think deep down knowing she was effed up and insecure made me feel like I wasn't in comparison and I liked being perceived as the stronger one possibly cos deep down I was insecure and needed plenty of validation from her too... to keep me feeling secure about myself and that I am a good person. I knew something was wrong with her and identified every single red flag but I was attracted to her, and fixing her issues... anyway. Her sob story at the beginning was one of the hooks of me feeling like I needed to take care of her. Like it was my responsiblity to not leave this poor girl alone and left to her own devices. I just went along with the rollercoaster for as long as I could... thinking I could beat the disorder.

[One key]

turkish
Now you know what happened were red flags.
At the time you did not.
So i would say lack of knowledge made you continue.

That and the  floating we all do in early phases of being in love.

@all persons that have children with a BPD.
I feel so so sorry for you that you cant go 100 pct NC because of children.
In my case She did not want any more children.
Which was fine for me.
Would she have wanted them, i probably would have agreed. And with the quantities of sex we had it could have happened sooner than later.

[flourdust]

The red flags were there from the beginning. And I do have quite a bit of knowledge about psychology. But I chose to ignore them. I was lonely, I wanted to be in a relationship, and I enjoyed the attention she gave me and how she fed my codependent desire to be a rescuer.

My goals for any future relationships: be more assertive, do not be a rescuer.

[insideoutside]

Now I feel that maybe my ex had lied to me about being bipolar and was really diagnosed BPD. I only say this because she would use an awful lot of key words to me regarding the disorder. Like black and white thinking, silent treatment and a few others I can't remember. So anything is possible.


Confused - my friend also told me he had been diagnosed with Bipolar which I no longer believe and really think its BPD.  My counsellor picked up on this when I was telling her about his behaviour but he also said words that were more like BPD (I've since found out).  I've heard that some BPD downgrade themselves to Bipolar as its the lesser evil of the two and won't be viewed as harshly.  The words he used to say a lot were that I had a 'distorted perception' and that his emotions change like 'flipping a switch'.  He used to try to be so clever with the words he used to make him sound intelligent, but they were in actual fact what gave his 'condition' away.

My red flags were just really off the wall comments which he made which used to confuse or embarrass me, plus trying to pin him down to meet up due to him flip flopping between wanting to and not wanting to; the silent treatment, the annoyance when I wouldn't follow his method for contacting him; text bombing me but if I did the same he would get annoyed.  Also paranoia about text messages, always saying 'make sure you delete them'... .I have no idea who he thought would be looking at or would be interested in them.  Also slurred his words on the phone which he put down to tiredness but I kinda thought it was his speech not keeping up with his brain if that makes sense?

[Hopefulgirl]

It took me about two years. Until then I blamed the behavior on his divorce, the evil ex. Or that the other girl he kept going back to was influencing him. Mostly, I blamed it on myself. I wish I had known earlier he had BPD. I would have saved myself a lot of anguish and time I can't get back.

[Confused108]

Now I feel that maybe my ex had lied to me about being bipolar and was really diagnosed BPD. I only say this because she would use an awful lot of key words to me regarding the disorder. Like black and white thinking, silent treatment and a few others I can't remember. So anything is possible.


Confused - my friend also told me he had been diagnosed with Bipolar which I no longer believe and really think its BPD.  My counsellor picked up on this when I was telling her about his behaviour but he also said words that were more like BPD (I've since found out).  I've heard that some BPD downgrade themselves to Bipolar as its the lesser evil of the two and won't be viewed as harshly.  The words he used to say a lot were that I had a 'distorted perception' and that his emotions change like 'flipping a switch'.  He used to try to be so clever with the words he used to make him sound intelligent, but they were in actual fact what gave his 'condition' away.

My red flags were just really off the wall comments which he made which used to confuse or embarrass me, plus trying to pin him down to meet up due to him flip flopping between wanting to and not wanting to; the silent treatment, the annoyance when I wouldn't follow his method for contacting him; text bombing me but if I did the same he would get annoyed.  Also paranoia about text messages, always saying 'make sure you delete them'... .I have no idea who he thought would be looking at or would be interested in them.  Also slurred his words on the phone which he put down to tiredness but I kinda thought it was his speech not keeping up with his brain if that makes sense?

Yes Izzy i now believe that my ex did lie to me. Why? I feel she thought if I looked up the disorder I would run for the hills. And guess what ... .I would have. She even told me I needed a Cognative Therapist and I know for a fact that is one of the therapsids used for BPD. I studied Cingbatuve Therapy in Law Enforcement. My ex also would use BIg words to try and make herself look smart like your ex did. At the very end those Red Flags were blowing right in my face. But she was my friend from childhood that I had fallen in love with. And I did try and help her as much as I could. Hurts like hell to see what she has become but as you know no one can save them... .but them. Life goes on and I know a lot of them do try to recycle their exs and I know now mine does. If she were to ever come back I will be prepared and just shut the door bc I'm so done. I won't allow her to use me again. That's over bc now I know what she is.

[valet]

I think it depends on your definition of 'mentally healthy'.

When I met my ex I thought she was a little quirky. I didn't really see any of the red flags. I didn't know what they were nor really think about them at all too much. I had standards, but they were more like: don't be a drug addict or alcoholic, and have some kind a future planned for yourself.

Even when she started raging at me and began the cycle of controlling/manipulative behaviors, I didn't see these things for what they were. And I especially didn't know what to do in that type of a situation. It produced very intense anxiety that I experienced everyday, but like a lot of us I blamed myself, thinking that there was something wrong with me.

The reality was that I wasn't doing what needed to be done to protect my sanity—and also, that she can be impulsive, emotionally unstable, and immature due to genetic factors and how she was raised, and of course, her own unwillingness to change despite being somewhat self-aware of what she was doing.

Now, I feel a heck of a lot better at managing my relationships, communicating, and trusting myself and my own feelings. A long road, but worth the ride.

[steelwork]

I feel like I can generalize the question to my whole outlook on other people, over the 51 years I've been alive. As I get older and more experienced, and especially in the aftermath of this r/s, I see more and more that the "eccentric" behavior I historically have tolerated more than most people, and even sought out, might really be signs of mental illness.

So it's not that I didn't notice the signs, like boundary busting and black/white thinking and even dissociation. I just interpreted them differently and failed to consider the potential for his "eccentricity" to harm me.

[JerryRG]

I'm embarrassed to say but I knew very well my exgf was extremely "not well" yet I didn't care. I thought I could make her happy, she would change and "happy ever after"

I was very sick myself at that time, I didn't know how sick until I started getting well.

The words of my sponsor still ring through my mind, "Jerry, do you now see how sick you were to be in that relationship?"

[jhkbuzz]

There were lots of warnings along the journey but at year 4 the flips between her false self and true self got scary. But I was in deep by then and I decided to love her anyway and try harder, the grand finale didn't happen till year 10. Do not resuscitate.

Same exact scenario for me, but the grand finale was at year 8.

Never seriously considered resuscitating.

[bunny4523]

For me it took 8-9 months.  He hid it very well during the dating phase.  Didn't see it until about a month after I moved in and it got creepy and dark really quick.  Not sure if it was part of his plan but it's like he waited till I was trapped/stuck.  I had sold all my furniture per his request to buy all new stuff and found myself with no fridge, washer, dryer, bed... .it was such a nightmare.  So glad it is over.

Bunny

[joeramabeme]

I saw red flags before we married and throughout but assumed they were a function of some misguided ideas that she had gathered after being single for 40 years and we would work them out.

Our 5th year of marriage was the point at which I could no longer deny the depth of my "something is not right" feelings.  After many fights about me and getting my financial life in order; for what I thought was the sake of our future together, I stood up to her one day and said; I have done an excellent job completing my part of our goals and do not want to be belittled or shamed any longer about my finances.  

She gave me a blank stare for a moment and then stated; my money is my money.   Although I could not articulate why that was so devastating to me at the moment, I knew at that point her actions were not focused on our lives, rather, her fear of me and need to control.

My interpretation was; if I can't control you through my belittling, then I will simply take my toys out of the picture.   I was never able to come fully back around to letting her be demeaning in the name of our marriage after that day.

True to the nature of our r/s, she took me out to dinner to celebrate achieving my/our goals, but never verbally relinquished her stated control of her money.

So sad.

[Moselle]

I assumed they were a function of some misguided ideas that she had gathered after being single for 40 years and we would work them out.

Ditto. I think I project my view onto the world that "anyone can change". When in actual fact few people put in the effort to change.

I knew at that point her actions were not focused on our lives, rather, her fear of me and need to control.

So sad.

This summarises a BPD world view. Fear drives all the behaviours. Fear of loss of control, fear of abandonment. Fear of intimacy.

I confronted her one day and said "The game is up. I know your game. It won't work any more" That day she lost her plaything. And that day she decided she wanted out. I was a thing to her not a person. Money supply. Sperm supply.

I'll never forget the look of of terror on her face when I said "game's up". She knew she would have to change or leave. She chose to leave

[Turkish]

turkish
Now you know what happened were red flags.
At the time you did not.
So i would say lack of knowledge made you continue.

The sad thing,  judging myself,  is that I did know they were red flags. I even thought about dropping her as a friend when we were "friend dating." After rejecting a romantic r/s after our first "official" date,  I was angry about being Jerked around (pull-push). Not a week later,  she texted me asking if I wanted to go see a movie.  I was still mad,  and thought, "what's up with her?" I thought that I was being too cynical, "give love a chance," and I met her,  against my better judgement.  For me,  and I've only come across a few members here who felt the same,  it wasn't being "in love, " but rather another thing entirely,  to do with me. 

[valet]

I confronted her one day and said "The game is up. I know your game. It won't work any more" That day she lost her plaything. And that day she decided she wanted out. I was a thing to her not a person. Money supply. Sperm supply.

I'll never forget the look of of terror on her face when I said "game's up". She knew she would have to change or leave. She chose to leave

This post takes me back into that territory. It's strange, I haven't thought of it in quite a while, the day my ex chose to walk I remember being incredibly angry that she was late. We saw a movie together, but the only thing that I remember from that is wanting to walk out and never come back while it was playing in the theater.

It amazes me that her fear of abandonment was so fine-tuned to be able to pick up on that emotion. I didn't express it with words (this was my part throughout the relationship, as well), but I was very short with her. I lightened up as the night settled down, but I don't remember feeling that angry about something since I was a kid.

Important insight.   Thanks for your post, Moselle.

For me,  and I've only come across a few members here who felt the same,  it wasn't being "in love, " but rather another thing entirely,  to do with me.  

   
I had this exact same experience, Turkish. It didn't feel like love. I suppose I didn't know what love felt like, and if I did I certainly didn't trust myself to believe in my own ideas about it.

It was about me in some way. It wasn't about how I felt about her. Entering that relationship seemed in my logical brain like a ship with sails at that time, so I got on.

[I_am_Stacey]

I continued being emotionally distant for a while, amazed at all the attention I was getting and continuing to bother her as to why she was that way with me. She kept reassuring me why and even how crazy I thought the explanation was, I justified it was just cute and innocent. I felt better than her mentally in comparison. I felt in control - at least at the beginning. I liked her intensity. I liked her drama to be honest and how much I was adored by her and how she leaned on me. I  liked feeling like I could take care of somebody else and she really appreciated everything about me and it was just, wow. I got sucked in eventually. I felt less insecure about myself and grew dependent on her in the way she filled me up. I thought I was loved for who I really am. Especially that I wasn't that interested at the beginning. I knew she was mentally ill but I didnt know how far down the line she was or how bad it could get or when to quit trying taking care of someone I love and care about. When she told me she has BPD I didn't know much about it and thought it wasn't a big deal.

I liked the high. I think deep down knowing she was effed up and insecure made me feel like I wasn't in comparison and I liked being perceived as the stronger one possibly cos deep down I was insecure and needed plenty of validation from her too... to keep me feeling secure about myself and that I am a good person. I knew something was wrong with her and identified every single red flag but I was attracted to her, and fixing her issues... anyway. Her sob story at the beginning was one of the hooks of me feeling like I needed to take care of her. Like it was my responsiblity to not leave this poor girl alone and left to her own devices. I just went along with the rollercoaster for as long as I could...

This is exactly how I was with my exBPDbf. I see now that it is about ME. But damn it hurts. And I'm not fully detached yet. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I let him?

[bestintentions]

After 25 years, it's hard to remember everything but I clearly saw it early on.  I didn't care, apparently, as being needed felt so right and this ultimately this view ended up crushing me.  I often wondered why she'd become a child during arguments but things would always go back to a relative "normal" within a short amount of time, so I ignored it.  During these times of conflict, it was a constant nagging asking myself - "Why does she not understand this logic?" and "Why does she shut down completely?".  She could never communicate an answer acceptable to me, and because of her subsequent silence I felt extreme guilt like I'd pushed things too far.  Then that guilt became the fear that she'd not want to be with me.  What a terrible circle I put myself in!  I now know I was trying to work things out with an emotional child.    All these years I chalked it up to PMDD, and I was just trying to be a good person and an understanding husband by extending myself further to soothe her.

In my efforts to see her for who she really was/is and who I am after she moved out 4 months ago, it eventually becomes exhausting and I wonder when I'm past the point of diminishing returns... .

[Skyglass]

It took 4 months into the relationship for the red flags to show. I was the "rescuer" in the relationship and like many others have commented in the previous posts, it gave me a sense of feeling really good at the time. (Or so I thought) Then after all the rescuing throughout 3+ years, he said he didn't know what he wanted anymore and I was discarded in a day. I've truly learned a lot.

[anothercasualty]

For me, it was 4 months in that I saw the first glimpse. She told me she could never see herself married again and wondered if I would be okay with a relationship without marriage forever. I told her that was not something I would be interested in and asked if we needed to shake hands and move along. She quickly recanted. Months later, she told me "I told you back then I could never be married". Back and forth! I never knew woman I was with, the woman who wanted to be married now or the one who never wanted to be married.

The key question: Why did I continue the relationship at that point? Why didn't my self esteem allow me to cut the cord and move on?

[stimpy]

We argued a lot, even within weeks of first meeting, and every single one of those arguments arose from her treating me badly, devaluing me or disrespecting me. I suppose I was defending my boundaries. Yet, I was so entranced / enchanted with her, her charm, her looks, her vulnerability that I wanted her back, and so the cycle started. I think I wanted it to work, and I just couldn't understand what on earth was happening, couldn't see the wood for the trees, and I was very much in the FOG.

When she finally discarded me, luckily only 4 months after we first met, it was totally out of the blue, and just after we'd had a lovely few weeks together, and very soon after she'd said she loved me, just a couple of weeks after she said she was the happiest she'd ever been in her life, only then did I start Googling -

Who would do this?

A discard, with no closure, by text and straight to wanting no contact. On her birthday, before I'd even had a chance to give her all the presents I'd bought for her and to show how important she was to me.

Who would do this?

Then slowly I started to put the pieces together. Thank heavens for the internet. And slowly I worked it out.

Then I knew, and then it all made sense. And by the very strangest of co-incidences, I met someone who had also been in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder, we compared experiences, some of which were literally identical, then that cemented what I'd learnt.

[lovenature]

I saw red flags within the first few months that I ignored/minimized.

About 1.5 years in is when I realized something was really wrong and she needed help, mainly due to her extreme irrational jealousy and projections of her infidelities (didn't know about BPD at that point).

When I started learning about BPD, around 3 years into our relationship, I was able to understand why things went the way they did.

Have maintained NC on my end for over 10 months now; 4+ years in my relationship with my ex. including recycles/encounters.

[tammym1972]

I saw red flags at the very beginning and ignored them. On our first date (if you can call it that) he just said some really weird and kind of inappropriate things. After seeing him a couple of times I tried to tell him gently that I wasn't interested and he started crying and saying no one liked him. Then when I did give in it went straight to a serious relationship, saying how he loved me and had me promise I'd never leave him and was talking marriage.

He just broke up with me after 4 years and immediately moved on with a replacement.

[Warcleods]

Wow lots of information here and similar experiences to mine.

One thing I can say is that I have never been on such an emotional roller coaster in my life.  It started consuming me and I'm convinced it was having negative impacts of my physical well being.  Furthermore, my constant analysis of the situation caused me to start questioning my own sanity and whether this relationship downfall was really my fault.  In retrospect, it wasn't.  I am guilty of being an enabler and dismissing my intuition that something just wasn't right.  My inner voices kept saying get the hell out, but it turned into an addiction that I just kept needing more of.  That's an indication of my own emotional baggage I need to work on.

She started to make subtleties about things she didn't like about me but in a very manipulative but calm manner.  Almost to where it wasn't a direct attack or request but more of a "if you want to be with me, then I need it to be this way."  Stupid me ignored this, complied and then it turned into something else.  I found myself becoming something that I wasn't to fit the mold of what this person wanted.  Moral of the story is that there was always something that just wasn't good enough with her.  

One day I said something very innocent and her body language told me everything I needed to know about this woman's true feelings.   I basically told her to eff off. I am not going back.