I lost it

[mybabygirl23]

I'm so sick of this!  I've followed all the "rules" when dealing with my 20 year old BPD daughter but today when I asked if she would be ok with me inviting her sister and friends to visit, she not only couldn't just say yes I'd mind, she want on a rampage about how much she hates her sister and her *#*# friends and how much of a b___ i am for even suggesting it... .  AND I LOST IT!  I yelled back and told her exactly how I felt about her losing another job, not paying any living expenses, having to tip toe around everything I say, etc.  After a huge screaming match she says she is never talking to me again and i'm so devastated that I wish that was true... .Its so hard to be loving and compassionate to someone who is always so mean.  I have no idea what to do... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Aw, Mybabygirl23, sometimes it comes to the point where one just has to let off steam... .and sure sounds like it was building up in you.  Although we are "Super Moms"... .we are only human.   Now that you have got that off your chest, you can regroup and assess the situation with your daughter.  If you've tried everything else, maybe it is time to make some changes.  You will have to be the one to think that one through. 

This is the child you gave birth to... .the child you love so much... .the child you have bent over backwards to help through life.  It is a hard pill to swallow when that child turns on you with verbal abuse, rejection.   Yeah, I've been there (am there!)  It is so, so important that you don't fall into the role of "victim" which will only add fuel to her fire.

Here is a (hug) for you, Mybabygirl23.  Work on making life good for YOU... .and it will be easier dealing with her!  What a wonderful outlet this Board is to let off steam... .to get validation... .to know you are not alone along this hard, hard journey with our BPD's.

[mybabygirl23]

Thank you Huat - it really does help to know i'm not the only one dealing with the kind of behavior. I DID resist rescuing and she came back and apologized and accepted responsibility.  Baby steps right?

[Lollypop]

Hi there baby girl

Oh boy, when my BPDs25 was between 18 and 23, I really lost it more than once. I remember describing my home as "the house of the flying daggers". In England we call them "humdingers".  

Huat gives excellent advice.  I went into a role of victim for quite a few years and I never want to go back there again. Things can improve and I want to tell you that our BPDs25 is doing very well, I pinch myself as I can't quite believe the progress he's making. All since changing our approach and we worked out what was needed for all of us.

Baby steps is right.

Hugs

L

[Joyful5]

I know just how you feel my daughter who has two little girls and now  expecting A third  has just cut both my husband and I off from seeing the kids. She can be so hurtful and then so nice. She typically is nice when she wants something. I gotten into a big argument with her at my three-year-old's soccer game and it probably embarrass her in front of her friends.  But like you I blew it I didn't keep my cool which I have been keeping for the last two years.  The major issues for her if she has not been diagnosed as borderline personality disorder her but has all the symptoms on top of getting stressed from a controlling manipulative very heavy ethnic man and the in-laws who live right next-door. We have felt for the last couple years when they got  wealthier they were wanting us distant from our daughter. I am extremely supportive of both of my daughters and they know that and the little girls love coming to our house to the point they don't want to go home. She has extreme OCD now he stresses her I've heard him verbally abusive  which I think pushes her BPD. I did get one reply back that they thought she had posttraumatic syndrome due to the abuse, we just don't know. I just wrote her an apologetic letter trying to put some things in to help her wake up to her situation . I will say this forum is wonderful.  Prayers for all of us, joyful5

[Mother Bear]

Lollypop... .I'm curious. how did you change your approach? What helped? I'm starving for hope and solutions. My BPD daughter is 21 and we are all learning. Thank you for any advice you can offer.

[Lollypop]

Hi there mother bear

I'm sorry I don't know your story. I dip in and out to the forum and post when I can, when I think my own story can help.

My BPDs25, 26 this month, was only diagnosed last September in the USA. We live in the U.K. Our relationship was was at an all time low in may 15. We gave up on him, there was nothing more we could do as he continued smoking weed, working the bare minimum not paying rent, no bank account, lost his truck etc etc. He was an absolute waster. I manoeuvred him out of the house and swore blind I was never having him back. We were so all very sad and had already accepted our BPDs would never be the man we had hoped for.

By Dec 15 he was at an ultimate low (to us anyway). No job, no prospects, drugs, no friends and unable to cope without his familiar surroundings and family/friends. He'd swallowed a load of pills in sept and got diagnosed, referred to dbt sessions which he attended but without a support network there was no way he'd do what was needed. We spent a fortune keeping him afloat and we had no savings left.

We brought him home to no boundaries and a message "no idea what was going to happen but that things were going to be different, that we had changed". He obviously felt great being back home for the first couple of weeks, Xmas came which was always going to be a challenge (it was horrendous!). Doctor was extremely unhelpful a refused to refer him for treatment. Xmas eve came the first boundary set by us : no more money - we will provide bed and board only. We stood firm. It took three weeks before he started to look for casual work. He started to pick up the odd day here and there.  When it started to be regular I introduced a weekly rent, a nominal amount he could afford £25 each week every Monday. 

This proved a challenge but by week 6 he didn't question it and didn't need reminding, nor did he resist with excuses or a "dance". I kept firm. It was a battle each week and I posted often.

He felt he needed a phone, he got a phone and started a monthly repayment. Again, it was hit and miss with the payments and plan and he dealt with all the phone calls himself. I didn't get Involved. This was a massive step as he hadn't been responsible for a monthly payment for five years.

I booked a holiday and invited him. He was working casually but quite regularly. First time for years. I insisted no drugs while we were awa.  He accepted and agreed to saving weekly which he did. It was a fantastic holiday, very interesting to see his triggers.

Got back from holiday mid August.  I told him that I wasn't prepared to drive him around any more. He had to save for a car.  He saved but blew half of his savings. I gave him a deadline, rock solid boundary and he knew it. He found a car and bought it. He paid for car tax and sorted out his own insurance. It took 8 weeks but should have taken 3.

He has saved nearly £1000 and has a short term goal of two training courses that will enable him to earn more money. I will not do anything regarding this as it doesn't concern me. He's an adult. He makes his own choices. If he continues to progress in some way (Remaining calm and coping is progress) ) he can remain at home.

I see our role as providing loving support, nurturing and keeping him as stable as possible. We spent most of his formative years wagging our finger at him. We now listen, empathise, validate.  I learnt here on this forum and demonstrated to my family.

It's not been easy. It takes a lot of reading about BPD to understand his limitations.  I still concentrate on validation as it still doesn't always come naturally.  He has thrived in this new environment, he has tested me to see if I would react, he trusts us now.  We are a family, despite the problems. There are many; he still smokes far too much weed, he has taken opioids earlier this year, he struggles with his relationship with his GF and coping with normal life. He has strange ideas and views and concepts.

I'm determined that he leaves our home and tries to live independently. We will retire in the next three years. He HAS to do this.

I'm sorry this post is so long. I'm sure I could shorten it with shorter phrases but it clearly shows our phases.  I've demonstrated validation and my family have picked it up, slowly.

His progress is a combination of him naturally maturing, his experiences and challenges of living away from us, his failed personal relationships, his diagnosis, him watching his friends progress and get on with their live BUT the main thing is that he's felt wanted and understood. I can now challenge him, strong in my conviction. I'm more confident.

My BPDs internalises and doesn't rage and this situation may be very different from what you deal with.

I hope this helps.

L

[mybabygirl23]

Mother bear - so good to know I'm not alone. 

For all following - my blow up may not have been so bad after all as my daughter has been in a better place since!  She apologized and accepted responsibility and seems to be trying to work with me rather than demanding her way.