Advice for being with someone who doesn't know they have BPD?

[Violeta]

Hi everyone,

I found this site about a year ago, when I first suspected my significant other had BPD. It's taken a year of me doing research on my own to finally feel strongly enough to seek help. I've talked to others who have suspected that BPD is highly likely, but I fear I'm the only one with enough reason and care to really dive into the problem (since it affects me the most)

I made the mistake of suggesting it in a past conversation. I was less informed then, and it clearly didn't go well.

Anyone else have advice for taking the first step?

Feeling incredibly helpless and off balanced.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Turkish]

Hello Violeta,

Can you give us a background on what specifically you've been struggling with regarding your SO?

Many of us have confronted our SO's with BPD, including me (only once).  It's out there,  but you can move past it. 

How long have you been together?

Turkish

[waverider]

You may find this resource useful
Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

[Violeta]

Hi Turkish,

We've been together for a couple years. Specifically, I've been struggling with what I might call episodes, that occur whenever a few of the "wrong" words were said. Many times, these words are completely innocent and are not coming from a place of criticism or judgmentalism, but they trigger something, immediately leading my SO down this dark black emotional hole, which sometimes takes weeks to come out of. Feelings become truth and there's no constructive way to have a discussion. Everything is misinterpreted and rewritten to match his feelings. He is the victim, he was wronged, and that's the end of the story. He has cut many close people out of his life over the years, because they just happen to have pulled the triggers at the wrong time.

He does acknowledge his insecurities, his emotional weakness, his inability to handle perceived criticism, etc. But his solution is to withdraw, to cut those people out and avoid anything and anyone that might cause the slightest bit of emotional distress. But life is filled with emotional distress, it can't simply be cut out.

 I'm trying to help him see that, but he's slowly pulling away.

[waverider]

We've been together for a couple years. Specifically, I've been struggling with what I might call episodes, that occur whenever a few of the "wrong" words were said. Many times, these words are completely innocent and are not coming from a place of criticism or judgmentalism, but they trigger something, immediately leading my SO down this dark black emotional hole, which sometimes takes weeks to come out of. Feelings become truth and there's no constructive way to have a discussion. Everything is misinterpreted and rewritten to match his feelings. He is the victim, he was wronged, and that's the end of the story. He has cut many close people out of his life over the years, because they just happen to have pulled the triggers at the wrong time.

This classic BPD, these episodes are often referred to as emotional dysregulation. That is an ability to regulate his emotion reacting to purely superficial issues with an ability to see the big picture, and adding their own dose of catastrophizing. It is part of extreme black and white thinking and a need to lay the blame with someone other than themselves.

Trying to use logic to counter this is like trying to drive a square peg of logic into the round hole of BPD. Its just not going to fit with them and is going to cause resistance which further feeds the victim stance.

It is often impossible to avoid them being triggered by others, but we need to stay out of the drama and let it blow its course without feeding it. As you know its not about the facts or the issue itself it is about the associated emotions that go with it. Trying to get them to see the error of there ways simply shines a light onto these emotions, and they may just shift to another issue.

How often does the drama shift focus when you engage with them?

He does acknowledge his insecurities, his emotional weakness, his inability to handle perceived criticism, etc. But his solution is to withdraw, to cut those people out and avoid anything and anyone that might cause the slightest bit of emotional distress. But life is filled with emotional distress, it can't simply be cut out.

 I'm trying to help him see that, but he's slowly pulling away.

Avoidance is a common dysfunctional coping mechanism for stress or anxiety intolerance.

It is important that your life doesn't become dysfunctional by association. If he falls out with people dont do the same simply to be "on his side".

[Violeta]

Hi Waverider,

Yes you've summed it up pretty accurately. Black and white and dysregulation all over. I guess the main struggle is that I seem to be the one constantly acting as the trigger. So it's hard to not be involved when all the emotions are directed at me. It's gotten to a point where every 2-3 months we spend weeks apart, just waiting for his emotions to dwindle and for him to calm down. He can't see through it, so his solution is to cut those people out of his life. It's hard for me because I operate from a standpoint of extreme logic. So through trial and tribulation I've learned that arguing about "Facts" is essential pointless. He doesn't believe me when I express my feelings, my intentions, what I actually meant when I said that thing that he interpreted as something else... .

He's at a place where he doesn't think he can be with someone who makes him feel this way, makes him this reactve. I don't know a single person on this planet that doesn't have the ability to cause someone the slightest amount of emotional distress. Especially because I'm an extremely calm, caring, supportive, non dramatic, non reactive, level headed person. I do feel well suited to handle it. I just don't know how to help him see through all the muddleness of his own foggy vision... .

[waverider]

He's at a place where he doesn't think he can be with someone who makes him feel this way, makes him this reactve. I don't know a single person on this planet that doesn't have the ability to cause someone the slightest amount of emotional distress. Especially because I'm an extremely calm, caring, supportive, non dramatic, non reactive, level headed person. I do feel well suited to handle it. I just don't know how to help him see through all the muddleness of his own foggy vision... .

Exactly, this is why it is often bluff or recycle, as they have nowhere to run to. It has been their life story. The grass is not greener. No point you telling them this, they need to work that out for themselves.

You can't stop the drama and "foggy vision", it is a part of their processing, you can only avoid feeding it. Avoid being drawn into playing whack-a-mole, its exhausting.

[icky]

. You may find this resource useful. Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy.

. Wow - what a great resource! The video is fantastic - even better than the article. I have a question:. If my dad, mum, brother, sister, child, friend, colleague had a disorder that they weren't aware of / didn't want to accept, I think I could deal with that. BUT. If my partner or best friend had a disorder they weren't aware of / didn't want to accept, I'd find that massively, massively challenging. I want my partner/ best friend to be someone who is self-aware. I can accept people who aren't in my inner circle being non-self-aware. But self-awareness is very important to me. So I would not pick a partner or best friend who was non-self-aware. So having watched the video in that link, I'm quite scared now as to what happens if my BPD partner is not able to become self-aware of it. I'm not sure I could cope with that. I would be able to have compassion with him as a human being. But I don't think I could be a partner to someone with non-self-awareness. : (

[Violeta]

You may find this resource useful
Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy

If my partner or best friend had a disorder they weren't aware of / didn't want to accept, I'd find that massively, massively challenging.

I want my partner/ best friend to be someone who is self-aware.

I feel exactly the same. It's not that I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle and potentially overcome what appears to be a seemingly endless challenge, it's just that without the partner acknowledging there's an issue in the first place that isn't just my causing, I feel like I'd be living and supporting a lie. I'd feel phony. Especially when only the people closest to the BPD can truly see the issue. Some of his friends do, others have no idea. I spent years knowing him hearing stories he'd tell about people who wronged him, people who didn't trust/believe him. How therapy didn't work because his therapists didn't believe him. And I believed him at first. Then I saw how he systematically became absorbed in conflict and drama and cut out people from his life one by one. It's hard for me to accept, because I think I might be the first one to realize what the greater underlying issue is.

How do you just let someone go on living a life of dysregulation when you feel like you finally found the keys to help them unlock the first door to self actualization?

[waverider]

How do you just let someone go on living a life of dysregulation when you feel like you finally found the keys to help them unlock the first door to self actualization?

Its a ticking bomb you dont announce its presence by exploding it.

The first approach is to address the traits individually, and demonstrate improved methods of dealing with it. Address your own methods of dealing with it first. Once you have started to make progress (if you can) then you can start to pull it all together under the one umbrella. If someone is not open to having problems then being labelled with one of the most difficult ones, with no quick fix to hand can only lead to push back. They have already developed an entrenched sense of why things are so, to contradict these existing coping methods is massively invalidating.

[icky]

.

. How do you just let someone go on living a life of dysregulation when you feel like you finally found the keys to help them unlock the first door to self actualization? .

. Its a ticking bomb you dont announce its presence by exploding it. The first approach is to address the traits individually, and demonstrate improved methods of dealing with it. Address your own methods of dealing with it first. Once you have started to make progress (if you can) then you can start to pull it all together under the one umbrella. If someone is not open to having problems then being labelled with one of the most difficult ones, with no quick fix to hand can only lead to push back. They have already developed an entrenched sense of why things are so, to contradict these existing coping methods is massively invalidating.

. yup. that probably is the perfect way of doing it. i'm not perfect tho. i'm being as gentle as i possibly can about saying "hon, i think it's BPD". maybe 10 years from now i will be a wiser, stronger person, who doesn't need their partner to demonstrate some self-awareness. i just know that where i stand right now, i can't be the perfect BPD-caretaker. ironically enough, self-awareness was one of the major reasons i got into the relationship. i was very clear that i wanted to be with someone who was very emotionally literate and self-aware (because my previous relationship had been with someone who didn't have that very much). initially, i was very impressed with the levels of emotional literacy my current partner has. until the BPD madness started 6 months ago - and now i feel like he has NO self-awareness. i do realise the perfect approach would be as described . i don't think i'm perfect enough to do that tho. : (

[Dauphina]

Violeta it sounds like you are describing my relationship. I know how you feel--trying to be what your partner needs, thinking I'm smart and compassionate, I can do this. Then feeling like there must be something wrong with you if you can't soothe him/her. I am at the point of saying I don't think I'm enough for you but feeling so frustrated because I love my partner so much and when these moods and outbursts are at bay, we couldn't be happier.

[Caroled]

Violeta, I'm completely with Dauphina here, this sounds very much like the early years of my relationship, and if I could give my younger self some advice it would be to acknowledge her own limits. I let debt mount up unaddressed, pushed myself to extremes of overwork, ignored postnatal depression, and neglected my own health and it took a temporary separation (initiated by him!) to open my eyes to both what I was relieved to get away from AND what I missed about being with him and wanted to encourage. Plus it gave me a period of clarity, and the incredible practical support of my parents helped us start to rebuild. You can't fix him, he has to want to fix himself.

Also I love waverider's suggestion about addressing the traits individually, that makes perfect sense.