11 months after breakup and there is still stuff

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey all, it's been some time since I've been on the forums, but healing isn't a linear thing, right?

I work in the same building as my exBPDgf. I was discarded 11 months ago for her unemployed pot dealer. After close to 9 months of no contact, her and I spoke for the first time since the discard. She denied her infidelities, placed all of our relationship woes on to me and lied to me about the most trivial of things. The conversation went exactly the way I thought it would, but at the same time it gave me a great sense of closure.

Ever since we split up and since we work in the same building, I've had to endure a smear campaign for the entirety of the post-break up. So, my primary goal of finally speaking with her was to create peace between us and hopefully stop the smear campaign and hateful behaviors towards me along with finally obtaining closure for our situation. At first I thought I was successful, but soon learned that was not the case. The smearing has continued and now she avoids me more than ever before.

For 9 months she paraded around our workplace doing whatever she wanted, with whomever she wanted. Now, since we've spoken, she hides from me, which I can only assume is because I revealed to her that shortly before the sudden discard I had acquired my great grandmother's wedding ring and was preparing to ask her to marry me at the concert of her favorite band back in April. Now, she's with an unemployed drug dealer that treats her like dirt and her life is slowly falling apart. I trigger feelings of shame in her now. She screwed up, and she knows it. So, now she hides from me.

I thought after we spoke that maybe some of the dust will settle and we could at least be cordial to each other going forward. Instead, she dressed herself and her boyfriend in skeleton costumes after I had posted myself in a skeleton costume a few weeks prior. I was told her sole intention of dressing that way was only to make me mad.

Well... .it worked.

She has a replacement. She has new friends. She posts about how great her new life is on fakebook. Yet she still searches for ways to get under my skin. It's been 11 months (2 months no contact) and she still doesn't let it go? Will she ever let it go? Is this something that is inherent to pwBPD? I feel like I'll be dealing with her crap, her smearing and her lies for years.

Has anyone had success after they finally speak to a pwBPD? Has anyone been able to find some semblance of peace with these people?

I was doing great lately, but her Halloween shenanigans got under my skin big time this week.

[Dhand77]

Hey all, it's been some time since I've been on the forums, but healing isn't a linear thing, right?

I work in the same building as my exBPDgf. I was discarded 11 months ago for her unemployed pot dealer. After close to 9 months of no contact, her and I spoke for the first time since the discard. She denied her infidelities, placed all of our relationship woes on to me and lied to me about the most trivial of things. The conversation went exactly the way I thought it would, but at the same time it gave me a great sense of closure.

Ever since we split up and since we work in the same building, I've had to endure a smear campaign for the entirety of the post-break up. So, my primary goal of finally speaking with her was to create peace between us and hopefully stop the smear campaign and hateful behaviors towards me along with finally obtaining closure for our situation. At first I thought I was successful, but soon learned that was not the case. The smearing has continued and now she avoids me more than ever before.

For 9 months she paraded around our workplace doing whatever she wanted, with whomever she wanted. Now, since we've spoken, she hides from me, which I can only assume is because I revealed to her that shortly before the sudden discard I had acquired my great grandmother's wedding ring and was preparing to ask her to marry me at the concert of her favorite band back in April. Now, she's with an unemployed drug dealer that treats her like dirt and her life is slowly falling apart. I trigger feelings of shame in her now. She screwed up, and she knows it. So, now she hides from me.

I thought after we spoke that maybe some of the dust will settle and we could at least be cordial to each other going forward. Instead, she dressed herself and her boyfriend in skeleton costumes after I had posted myself in a skeleton costume a few weeks prior. I was told her sole intention of dressing that way was only to make me mad.

Well... .it worked.

She has a replacement. She has new friends. She posts about how great her new life is on fakebook. Yet she still searches for ways to get under my skin. It's been 11 months (2 months no contact) and she still doesn't let it go? Will she ever let it go? Is this something that is inherent to pwBPD? I feel like I'll be dealing with her crap, her smearing and her lies for years.

Has anyone had success after they finally speak to a pwBPD? Has anyone been able to find some semblance of peace with these people?

I was doing great lately, but her Halloween shenanigans got under my skin big time this week.

[stimpy]

Sorry to hear you've been going through this Dhand77, it sounds very frustrating.

I've had a similar situation to yourself, discarded and then around 12 months of stalking and attempts to provoke me.

My solution, just ignore, ignore, ignore. no contact, no conversation, no thinking of reconciliation or being amicable, just ignore. Finally, finally, she has left me alone, and I've been free for the last 4 months.

I get the feeling that any response, good or bad, just rekindles the attachment and off it starts again.

My guess is that she is avoiding you because you have shamed her (because of the wedding proposal) and so she is angry, at herself (shame) and probably at you - some how - you know, feelings = facts, she's angry, so it must be because someone else's fault - must be yours, and so now back to punishment. But I'm only guessing.

[Lonely_Astro]

Hey dhand77,

I, too, work with my ex. So, I can totally relate to you on where you're coming from. Having to see them after the fall out is the worst (I also work with my replacement, so there's that too... .yay me!). It's been about a year since we split and shes living with my replacement (and has been for almost a year). I call him my replacement because he is... .she told me so.

Whats important now is to ask yourself why does all this get under your skin?  Why is she able to rile you up (and so easily)?  

I almost went mad going over everything that happened post-breakup. I was extremely hurt (and still am) about how quickly she moved on. Btw, my ex is diagnosed BPD.  I looked internally a lot about why it mattered... .what was I missing that she seemed to have filled, etc. It didn't make the pill any less bitter to swallow, but ultimately it wasn't about her- it was about me.

In this past year, I've been LC with her. She has attempted to hook up (emotionally and physically) several times with me. Nothing is ever truly over for them, it seems.

She could be avoiding you because she's ashamed, sure. She could be doing it to gain control by dismissing you (thus giving her the "upper" hand) and minimizing your feelings. There are a multitude of reasons as to the "why" in that scenario. I'm glad to hear it gave you closure. That's what was important - YOU got closure. That interaction was for you, not for her. So let me pose this question: whys it matter if she's avoiding you now?

I hope you are doing well now that the moment has passed. Please keep posting. Keep healing.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dhand77, I think it's normal to feel anger towards one's Ex in the aftermath of a b/u.  To me, your reaction indicates that perhaps you have more work to do in terms of processing your feelings.  It seems like your conversation brought out strong emotions that are still simmering beneath the surface.  If so, maybe it would be a weight off your back to process the feelings as a way of letting them go.  How to process?  That's up to you.  You could: write in a journal; speak with a close friend or family member; see a T; practice mindfulness; burn off your anger through physical exercise; express your anger through creativity; etc.  The goal, in my view, is to reach a place of indifference, where what she does is immaterial and has little or no impact on you.

LuckyJim

[Dhand77]

Hey dhand77,

I, too, work with my ex. So, I can totally relate to you on where you're coming from. Having to see them after the fall out is the worst (I also work with my replacement, so there's that too... .yay me!). It's been about a year since we split and shes living with my replacement (and has been for almost a year). I call him my replacement because he is... .she told me so.

Whats important now is to ask yourself why does all this get under your skin?  Why is she able to rile you up (and so easily)?  

I almost went mad going over everything that happened post-breakup. I was extremely hurt (and still am) about how quickly she moved on. Btw, my ex is diagnosed BPD.  I looked internally a lot about why it mattered... .what was I missing that she seemed to have filled, etc. It didn't make the pill any less bitter to swallow, but ultimately it wasn't about her- it was about me.

In this past year, I've been LC with her. She has attempted to hook up (emotionally and physically) several times with me. Nothing is ever truly over for them, it seems.

She could be avoiding you because she's ashamed, sure. She could be doing it to gain control by dismissing you (thus giving her the "upper" hand) and minimizing your feelings. There are a multitude of reasons as to the "why" in that scenario. I'm glad to hear it gave you closure. That's what was important - YOU got closure. That interaction was for you, not for her. So let me pose this question: whys it matter if she's avoiding you now?

I hope you are doing well now that the moment has passed. Please keep posting. Keep healing.

@Lonely_Astro It doesn't really matter much in the grand scheme of things, her avoiding me. Haha... .if she avoided forever, that would be amazing. I made the mistake of thinking that finally speaking would clear up some of the animosity between us. Ya know, hoping that she would finally act like a normal person and be amicable. I'm better off trying to punch God in the face. The odds are better.

I don't really know why it got under my skin so much. Maybe it's because I'm not the type of person she is. I wouldn't do the things she does to get my attention. It feels disrespectful to our time together. Like she's taking a big fat steaming turd all over our four years together.

She's paraded around with all of these guys in work to make me jealous. Yet, I warned her when I started dating a student at the art school near our work, that she may see us together and I don't want her to think that I'm being malicious.

*sigh* I don't know. I'm in a weird place that I haven't felt in months. I even cancelled my date tonight with the art student because my exBPDgf is all kinda of in my head.

[enlighten me]

Its not a case of her letting it go its down to you.

The only person that can make you happy is you. The only person that can make you angry is you and the only person that can let her behaviour is you. Once you realise your the one that has to take control of the feelings she causes then you can deal with them. When i started seeing my exs behaviour as funny rather than malicious it got easier. Her dressing as a skeleton rather than let it wind you up laugh at how pathetic it is.

Its not a quick fix but by changing one thing at a time then after a while your whole outlook can change.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thats a tough place to be at, D. Ive been there before.

Let's remove her mental issues for a second. The R/s has ended and shes (obviously) moved on with several other suitors. Yet, you felt the need to 'warn' her when you decided to see someone else. Why?  You don't owe her anything. You aren't the keeper of her emotions or responsible for how she feels.

I understand why you were trying to reason with her, but you aren't going to be able to do so. She is incapable of seeing your point of view (well, most likely). Thats a common hallmark of a cluster B: no empathy.  Have you ever tried to reason with a toddler?  She may be an adult, but emotionally she's 3.

As far as canceling your date this evening, if thats what you needed for you... .ok. Don't let your ex control your emotions. She only has as much power as you're willing to give her.

[Dhand77]

Thats a tough place to be at, D. Ive been there before.

Let's remove her mental issues for a second. The R/s has ended and shes (obviously) moved on with several other suitors. Yet, you felt the need to 'warn' her when you decided to see someone else. Why?  You don't owe her anything. You aren't the keeper of her emotions or responsible for how she feels.

I understand why you were trying to reason with her, but you aren't going to be able to do so. She is incapable of seeing your point of view (well, most likely). Thats a common hallmark of a cluster B: no empathy.  Have you ever tried to reason with a toddler?  She may be an adult, but emotionally she's 3.

As far as canceling your date this evening, if thats what you needed for you... .ok. Don't let your ex control your emotions. She only has as much power as you're willing to give her.

Thanks Lonely_Astro, this is exactly what I needed to hear. Honestly? I gave her the heads up so I wouldn't have to deal with whatever weird and twisted punishment she would have concocted to get back at me. I'm not the fan of drama that my exBPDgf is, so I think I'd rather avoid it all together. Necessary evil I suppose.

The healing has been coming along great ever since her and I spoke. I let a lot go after that conversation. So I'm a little surprised to be riled up like this. I think it's because, it has been 11 months and i'm reaching a point where I'm in a better place, I'm letting it go, I'm having fun, I'm comfortable in my own skin again and she's desperate to keep some kind of weird attachment to me. I've grown weary of her attempts of manipulation and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm going to be dealing with it in some way or another for the rest of my life.

[Anez]

DHand:

Don't beat yourself yup, it's ok to have these feelings pop up. Just remember that this is a process, recovery. I was addicted to parts of my ex and I see my recovery as one would get over any addiction. Sometimes you're gonna get a taste of that drug - I do sometimes when I see her at work - and the addiction is gonna kick back in. But the more time that goes by the quicker those addiction feelings go away if I see or hear it at work.

My T talks to me a lot about this, understanding it's a process and there will be ups and downs. Just recognize the feelings and let them pass.

We have logical minds. Our exes do not. Just keep doing good things for yourself and keep reaching out.

[lovenature]

Hey Dh

I went NC about 10 months ago, she kept trying to contact me for the first few months, then about 6 months of nothing, then about a month ago I get calls again.
It all depends on their current emotion of the moment and the reality they create based on it, usually you will hear from them when things go bad with the replacement, can even be YEARS later.