How do you deal with the silent treatment ?

[journey27]

Hello all,

I'm new here. My BPD spouse was diagnosed 2 months ago with BPD, traits of Narcissism and PSTD. We have been married for 28 years. All of these years, I thought he was just a difficult person.   About a year ago, he went down with a severe depression because he thought I was cheating on him. He attempted to commit suicide, and ended up on inpatient treatment 3 times over the last 14 months. This last time was for a month, and was finally diagnosed with BPD. He started therapy upon finishing his inpatient treatment. However, I am learning not to react to his angry remarks of feeling invalidated. In my effort to set my boundaries he is gotten  even more angrier and does not want to talk to me. I am trying to hold my ground and avoiding to feed  him with narcissist supply. But not sure what to do or how to reach out to him without giving into the cycle.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

In my effort to set my boundaries he is gotten  even more angrier and does not want to talk to me.

Can you elaborate. What transpired that lead to the silent treatment and what do you mean by silent treatment, exactly.

I don't think we can generalize.

[HopefulDad]

I treat silent treatment as silent rage and unacceptable.  I treat both outright rage and silent rage the same: I excuse myself from being present around the rage, but also indicate I'm not running away and that we indeed should talk about it when there is no rage.  If the rage continues, I continue to do the same.

[dacoming]

I would deal with it very well versus the hours of false accusations, raging and circular arguments I am encountered with... ..  We'd probably be a long time just sitting and not engaging with each other if I was given the silent treatment.  The silent treatment for me usually lasts until I lay down to go to bed.  Then she wants to talk!

On a serious note, it can be nerve wracking but try not to defend and justify yourself when confronted with false accusations and hurtful insults.  I try but it is really hard sometimes.  I use the silent time to reflect on thoughts in my head and try to gain perspective.

[journey27]

We are remodeling the bottom floor of our house due to water damage. He was told he has  low tolerance for stress, and he adds more stress to the situation because he keeps adding more options to the remodeling. He asked me about  adding tiles to the wall in the living room? Since, I was not sure what he meant, I asked for clarification and he went off on me telling me I don't appreciate all the work he is doing. Therefore, I said to him if he continued to disrespect me I would not address his question. That night he did not talk to me. The next morning he was not talking to me and did not acknowledge when I left for work. Later that day, I called and he did not answer his phone. A week went by, I sent  him a text to see if he wanted to talk , no reply. Today, is two weeks. I am more aware of the situation now since I am learning of the BPD behaviors. In the past, I would have reached out to him and not hold him accountable for his behavior.

[jrharvey]

WOW 2 weeks of silent treatment? That is absurd. What a baby.

I would not recommend doing this in your situation but its something to think about. I was dealing with the silent treatment quite a bit half a year ago. I got to the point I couldn't handle it anymore and so sick of feeling lonely and alone. One day she started the silent treatment because she accused me of some things I didn't do and we got in a big fight about it and she refused to talk. I tried a lot to talk to her all night and she would ignore me or walk away. I decided to see how far she would take it. I waiting an entire day for her to say something... .Anything. I decided to take a trip to the mountains to do some serious thinking about my life and relationship. I realized this is not just acting out, its pure abuse and it hurts me a lot and I couldn't live like that. I thought a lot of the pros and cons of leaving the relationship. I decided that it was better to be happy by myself than be in an emotionally abusive relationship. I thought about this for another few hours on my way back from the mountains and into the city.

After getting back I basically told her that if she wanted to stay silent that was fine but I wont continue the relationship. I told her that the silent treatment was emotional abuse and would not be tolerated anymore. I told her we can end the relationship. I was very prepared for her to gaslight, twist things, blame back on me etc... .I just held my ground. I was 100% ready to let her go because I couldn't handle that type of abusive behavior. Every time she tried to twist it I just said... you can believe what you want but I wont accept silent treatment and would rather be on my own. When she tried to gaslight I wouldn't let it affect me. All of her efforts to manipulate and become more abusive were met with me just saying OK. You can keep thinking that if you want but I wont change my mind. I ended up going to a friends house to watch movies all night.

After she calmed down she promised to never do that again. We talked through it a lot and she accepted what she has done.  I told her clearly what would happen if she ever gave me the silent treatment again. She understood. I fully expected her to do it again. At that time I didn't trust too much but thought I would give her a chance. I am proud to say she does not do that at all anymore.

Unfortunately to get to this point I was so beat up and so abused I hit a point I was ready to throw everything away because I couldn't take it anymore. Im not sure if you hit that point yet.