Let the games begin?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, she asked for divorce on Wednesday and so Friday after work I went to have a beer with a friend. My wife is off all day Friday's but of course two minutes before I leave the office she texts that she's going to work out at 5pm (never does) and throws a list of her kids out and who needs rides where etc... .

I respond that I was going to run some errands and meet our friend Mike, but I can change that up if she wants... .nope go for it I got this is her response, so I go about my business. Mind you the night before I drove and fed everyone.

Anyway, I could go on and on but cliffs note version is I came home, nobody home so I went up to Mike's house and spent the evening with he and his wife just hanging out. So that turns into her steering all calls from step kids directly to me for rides etc all evening, which I'm sorry I ignored, but I'm done with the games.

I get home and she's got her gal pal there and they're drunk and of course overhthing out of her mouth is a slight, a put down, an innuendo I wasn't with "mike", you get the idea.

This morning starts off same way, so you can make breakfast for everyone, oh or are you just doing for yourself now... .etc, etc, etc

Ugh... .

[NewStart]

Well, she asked for divorce on Wednesday and so Friday after work I went to have a beer with a friend. My wife is off all day Friday's but of course two minutes before I leave the office she texts that she's going to work out at 5pm (never does) and throws a list of her kids out and who needs rides where etc... .

I respond that I was going to run some errands and meet our friend Mike, but I can change that up if she wants... .nope go for it I got this is her response, so I go about my business. Mind you the night before I drove and fed everyone.

Anyway, I could go on and on but cliffs note version is I came home, nobody home so I went up to Mike's house and spent the evening with he and his wife just hanging out. So that turns into her steering all calls from step kids directly to me for rides etc all evening, which I'm sorry I ignored, but I'm done with the games.

I get home and she's got her gal pal there and they're drunk and of course overhthing out of her mouth is a slight, a put down, an innuendo I wasn't with "mike", you get the idea.

This morning starts off same way, so you can make breakfast for everyone, oh or are you just doing for yourself now... .etc, etc, etc

Ugh... .

[NewStart]

How am I supposed to navigate this when everything I do now is going to be ammo about me being selfish etc?

Do I really need to sit and take it on the way out too, or should she get a taste of what's ahead for herself? I'm not saying I'm bailing on everyone, I ran and fed everyone Thursday, made breakfast for everyone this morning and plan to keep doing my part until the end... .but, I don't want to be guilted into the lions share of everything anymore, I want a piece of myself back and to just walk away from the games... .

Thoughts?

[valet]

That sounds awful, NewStart. She seems really unstable right now. Try to use this knowledge to your advantage. You know that she's disregulated while making accusations like this, so don't pick it up. I know that it's hard not to defend ourselves when someone attacks our character like this, but at some basic level she is out of control... .which means that her words carry significantly less weight.

It would be like arguing with an angry child if you were to engage. I think that this mentality can grant you a bit of emotional freedom.

Until then, try to create some distance. I take it you're still living together. What steps do you think you can take to get some pressure off of yourself?

[Mutt]

Hi NS,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. As I was reading through your posts, driving the step kids around, cooking etc... ."an ends to a means" comes to mind. Do you feel like she's not treating you like a person, instead she's treating you like an object?

I can see how hard the toxicity of guilt would feel, she has her own rejection sensitivity issues, they are her issues and we need to connect with other people, we need to take care of ourselves and do things that make us happy, if she's not happy and she's not willing to change her unhappy feelings, we're not responsible for other people's feelings, don't put it all on your back.

What do you like to do for self care?

[NewStart]

Mutt,
Now that you say it I'd say I feel like she treats me more like an object than a person. She gives orders and never says thank you. If I set a boundary she creates a punative boundary of her own. It really is like trying to operate as an adult, in adult everyday life scenarios with a 6 year old. And then throw in the imagined scenarios in her mind and it's impossible to deal with.

Anyone else get in that place where you find yourself apologizing for something that never happens just to try to placate your pwBPD? And the scenarios she comes up with when she starts in with, "Oh I get what your thinking!" or "Oh I get what your doing!" And of course it's crazy and nothing close to what I'm thinking, doing or saying... .

Well, this time of year it gets a little hard for self care as it's shoulder season. Harder to mountain bike with the early dark times and it's before ski season. But I'm going to night ride, run and carve one day a week to meet a friend for a beer.

I think tomorrow is going to be the sit down... .are we in or are we out... .and get the ball rolling one way or the other... .she set another bar asking to go see a mediator to discuss asset split, well I'm going to push it back at her and let her know a mediator isn't a marriage cousilor or an opportunity to see if the exit package looks rich enough to take, if we go it's over, final answer.

No more games, need to take care of my boys and myself... .

NS

[One key]

New start

What a mess you are in.
So sorry.

For you it seems the relationship is over.
You choose your forum name to be new start, probably to symbolize it.
For her your words that you want to end it mean nothing.
Words in general dont mean much for BPD.

She is now testing you with giving you a lot of jobs and tasks.
If you agree to do them she still has power over you, and thinks you are not leaving.
If you refuse them she will get the signal much clearer and understand it is over.
And disregulate.

If you really want to stop it and leave you have to be firmer in making her understand it. This might involve making all preparations and bracing yourself for the worst scenario.

I dreamt myself many times of ending my relationship with  ex BPD gf on good terms and after both parties agreed and without distegulation from her side.
It did not work that way for me.
And i dont think it works like that in general in BPD relation break ups if the non wants to leave.

If you really want to stop this relation and have finished your preparations for the fall out, than only acting clearly will make it real for her.
It is very hard.
It was very hard in my case and in the end we needed police interference to make it clear.

Please dont give up.
You are almost there.

[Mutt]

Hi NS,

From what I'm picking up, she has dependency on you, she wants you to take care of things that really she should be taking care of. I don't think that she'll probably not let that go easily from how you describe her reactions. My point is, be prepared for push-back and / or pleas, if you're done, keep that goal in mind and don't let her deter you of your goal, regardless. I'd probably start to emotionally detach too. Just my two cents.

[NewStart]

One Key,

I think that you are 100% on target, as our relationship has progressed over the years my uBPD/NPDw has changed the rules and created more tasks and jobs to a point of it being ridiculous now.  It started small, if I took a day off for a "me" day she would get agitated and say well if you're off you need to do XYZ... .then it became financial control... .then driving/household tasks so deep I couldn't find time for myself... .then I need to stop texting so much... .then I need to stop social media so much... .then some more tasks... .and now, in the space we're in, everything I pull back and say no she piles two more requests on.

Yes, I have many of the same worries about what she might do and say as things become "real"... .and yes, I also believe that she thinks that she has created enough FOG to keep me in check... .now it's up to me to make the hard choices or risk her using this time to find my replacement... .and yes, I wouldn't be surprised.

Mutt,

Wow, strong observation and one I guess I hadn't examined.  I look at all she's getting from our relationship and I'm constantly blow away by her lack of appreciation... .it's like she can't see it?  She has her three children full time so there alone you can only imagine the amount of help in time, money love and care she is getting there.  They have no father in their lives so I have been that for them in spades, they love me and I have been there for them in so many ways and have welcomed it.

The financial burden that I've helped with too, $6000+ a year in insurance she is saving alone not to mention the split house hold and life expenses?  And she used to work 4 days a week and has cut back to 3, even while I work 5 days a week and have let her know I'm going to have to possibly look for a part time job to supplement my income as I'm going broke.  True story, she makes over twice the income I do and she stopped our original agreement to pool finances etc... .yeah, and I still have to run her kids on my dime... .still take them out to eat, or for ice cream, a treat or whatever... .she leaves town and leaves her kids with me for weekends, no cash from her so I have to float their weekend activities etc... .how many times has she done that for my kids... .ZERO! 

And yes, probably is time to start to emotionally detach too... .because why am I continuing to try when I get ZERO in return... .it's funny I can't help it, I'm a nice guy... .I'm still quite when I get up, I still put a coffee cup out for her, I still send her texts hoping she's having a good day and the kids go off... .etc etc... .just seems foreign to just STOP being caring and mindful... .

NS

[Mutt]

Hi NS,

just seems foreign to just STOP being caring and mindful... .

I understand how hurtful that can feel when we keep giving to our pwBPD and we don't get back, I think that's where a pwBPD are shortsighted in relationships is giving back. We tend to keep trying harder expecting that if we try harder, eventually our partner will see how good we are and they'll give back in return and we get resentful feelings that start building up.

It's not about not caring, you can have compassion with boundaries. Boundaries are about self compassion and self love, it's like an invisible fence that protects us from being hurt, if we don't take care of ourselves, who will? When we take care of ourselves, we become happier, in turn the people that are around us are happier and they may see the benefits of self care and take care of themselves, finally it's less likely that unhealthy r/s's find their way to us. I hope that help and take really good care of yourself.  

[One key]

new start

You are right.
All changes when the BPD is leaving and not the non.
How i hoped she would find replacement and leave me.

And indeed the trade of is how big that chance is and how much you suffer.
If you make yourself less available she might be more motivated to leave you.
It is a delicate play.

You know very well what is going on.
That is good.

[NewStart]

Took the advise from here and started to drive the process.  Reached out to her and said lets carve out time tomorrow night to discuss where we're at in the process (she asked to see mediator to figure out separation of finances/household) and she pushed back that it's probably to busy tomorrow so we should probably wait until the weekend and she comes back with, "I can try to get a mediator again if that's what you are suggesting, and what I feel I'm getting from you this past week."

What? She asked for the mediator on Wednesday and I said no... .to which she came UNGLUED and said I'm a narcissistic, liar, cheat etc. to think that this will work... .

Basically what she is "feeling from me" is that I've set healthy boundaries and am no longer jumping when she says jump or engaging in crazy making thoughts and behaviors... .and that has her totally starting to dis-regulate... .

NS

[Skip]

We're going to move this thread to "Comflicted". Hope that helps.

[formflier]

Newstart,

No... you don't have to take it "on the way out" or if you decide to stay for a while.  I would also make sure that you don't "give it back to her" (i think you had mused about that possibility).

If you have a responsibility for a child (your belief and values... .not hers) then by all means follow through on that. 

If she is treating you like an object and expecting you to help with her responsibilities, then politely decline.  As Mutt said, be prepared for her to get meaner... .and nicer... .and likely other odd things, as she tries to get you back in line.

Big picture:  What do you want to happen with this relationship? 

Hang in there man... .     

FF

[NewStart]

Hey FF,
I'm not going to give it back in anyway, what I am going to do is continue to set healthy boundaries and not answer the call of her FOG, which unfortunately is making her reactions more and more dramatic and consistent.

As for her kids, I will continue to cook, drive and do all the things I have always done, except I am no longer going to let them be used to control me. I will no longer be used as an object be either her or her children, have to say they're disrespect has started to become fairly bad as well as especially her daughter have started to parrot some of the things she says... .and that has been disappointing to say the least.  

What do I want... .maybe I'm soft and like One Key suggests I'm just gently building my healthy borders until she ready to make the move. I'm guessing that won't happen as I'm REALLY at my ropes end and if she doesn't realize/see any of this and make any meaningful changes... .I'm out, because ZERO is way to little in return for all I've given... .

I'm nervous everyday about how big a financial hit this will be... .the uncertain future beyond this is a bit scary... .but I'm finally feeling like I'm soo close to just not taking it any more... ."Hey, here's your $&? sandwich back, enjoy!"

NS

[Aboutme2011]

This might be a good time for boundaries.  I have been seeing a counselor and she has guided me to set reasonable boundaries and stand firm on them.  It has been working pretty good until somehow lately he is all about trying to get back together and love bombing me.  I am so caught off guard and I honestly love a good love bomb that I can't get my hands around my boundaries at this second.  But I have to - the more posts I read here the more I know I can not go back to that life. 

Best wishes!
Stuck

[NewStart]

AM2011,
I have been trying and also not engaging, but I too worry that all she'd bend to do is change her stripes for a while and reel me right back in... .when things were good they really were good. We went out together, traveled and backpacked together, worked out and all the rest of the good stuff... .now, it's just dark:... I don't even like going home... .