i need to start preparing for the worst

[icky]

. i walked away from the relationship with my BPD partner on wednesday. at that point, he still wanted to fix the relationship. the day i walked away, i suddenly had enough clarity and head-space to think about what on earth had happened in the two years of the relationship and realised it was BPD. i wrote him an email on the wednesday telling him very very gently that i thought it was BPD. (predictably) he replied that he wasn't BPD and that he doesn't like labels. (tho i was surprised that his response was gentle - no raging). we've had a few NC days, so that we could both calm down after weeks of constant fighting. i've used that time to think about whether i want / feel up to having a relationship with someone who has BPD. i've decided that yes, i do still love him and i want to give our relationship one more try, but that i'm also going to be (very, very gently) firm about being sure it's BPD. so now i think i should prepare myself for the worst. either he will end the relationship straight away. or he won't end the relationship straight away, but will continue with abusive BPD behaviour and then i will end the relationship. or he won't end the relationship straight away, will continue with BPD behaviour, i'll call him on the BPD behaviour and then he'll end the relationship. i need to prepare for the worst. i must not allow myself to get my hopes up. i'll need at least half a year of relatively stable behaviour, before i can begin to trust him again. i need to realise that i'm basically just his security blanket and that he may discard me now that he realises i'm not a perfect security blanket, but just a normal human being. i need to try and make peace with the fact that i loved someone who is on a BPD journey in their life and who bumped into me and needed me to be their security blanket for a while. i don't mind having given him that - i hope it has at least helped him in some small way on his journey. and most likely of all, i need to prepare for the disappointment that there will probably just plain be more BPD behaviour in the days and weeks ahead and that it will all end in tears

[Warcleods]

Hmmm,

Thanks for replying to my thread and I may have some outside insight for you.

Like I was doing in my situation, you're catering to every need of your boyfriend and ignoring the things you need.  This is exactly what kept the relationship alive for me.  I've known the person I was with for 14 months but only became more intimate in June of this year.  From then until now was enough for me to realize that this short lived relationship really changed my core.  If that's how you want to live and it sounds like you are, then that's your prerogative.  Do you want a relationship and life filled with drama, timeouts and roller coaster rides?

I think verbiage you are using especially in the subject line of your thread says a lot.  Appears that you've been living in realm of uncertainty and confusion.  Ask yourself, How much worse could it really get?  Are your needs less important than his and if so, why? 

Within me, I discovered that I was catering to the very things I actually needed.  She never reciprocated the things I needed emotionally because she was unable to them for herself.  I never wanted control or to feel insecure about a relationship yet I found myself becoming those 2 things.  Deep down I know I can't fully trust this person and it's only a matter of time before I'm thrown away like trash despite the tremendous sacrifices I made for her.  Could it really get any worse other than an all out catastrophe?

[icky]

: ). i get what you are saying. people here have had very different experiences in BPD relationships, depending on all sorts of things - for example if their partner had mild BPD or massive BPD. also, in some cases there will have been more love, or less love - just like in all "normal" relationships. also, we are at different stages in the process. i immediately started setting healthy boundaries, as soon as the BPD behaviour started, so i have no trauma or abuse experiences with my partner. i've just had a very, very confusing 6 months with fighting and disappointment and weird behaviour. i know that many people here have experienced far, far worse BPD stuff than i have. at the moment i'm 50 - 50. i truly don't know if it could work, if there is hope. i truly don't know if it's best to walk away. what i do know is that thanks to the resources and support here and due to my inner strength, i am not risking my well-being. i'm not giving more than i can afford to give. i'm not bearing a burden greater than i can bear. i am aware of how much i am giving, and i will give it gladly. if it comes to nothing, then i will still have given it glady (tho i will be disappointed and sad and grieving intially, of course). i agree with what you've said in that sense - don't give more than you can afford to give. but i think if you can afford to give a lot, then it's okay to give a lot. i'm just making sure that i stay safe and strong and have support, while i choose how much i want to give. thank you for your concern tho! : ). it means a lot to me . and thank you for sharing your experiences - it's really good to know we're not alone in this

[icky]

p.s. if i'm crying and grieving next week and saying how much it all hurts, i hope you won't say i told you so : )

[Fian]

Why is it important to you that he admits that he has BPD?  Unless I am mistaken, he has not been officially diagnosed with it and you are not a psychological professional.  I understand the suspicion, but what is gained by having him say that he has BPD?  He probably doesn't know if he has it and would only be saying it to try and win you back, not because he believes it.  If there are certain concrete actions that you want him to take, I think that can be more productive than getting him to agree with your diagnosis.

[icky]

hey fian. oh, i don't need him to agree "yup i have BPD". my wish would be for him to agree "kay, yeah, i have some major issues". what is important to me at the moment is that i be clear (setting boundaries) on what i think is going on. the past 6 months have been crazy, and he pretends he's FINE. i realise it's part of the condition. but while i'm willing to help a LOT, some signal of self-awareness is what i need to stay in a relationship with him. without that, i'm willing to support him as a friend, but not as a partner. my wish for me in life is to have a partner who is self-aware. whether chris (my (ex?)partner) is self-aware is his business. but if he's not, i can't have him be my partner. that's the choice i'm making for me. i have never been someone who has minded disabilities at all in a partnership. but i know i'm someone who NEEDS self-awareness to be happy in a partnership. so this is actually just about my needs. which is selfish in terms of "what is best for chris". but i think it's okay in terms of what is best for me and him overall. ?

[blissful_camper]

Hi Hmmm,

Your post resonated with me so I wanted to share with you.

I was with a BPD partner who acknowledged he had issues, who often discussed those issues with me, quite openly, because he felt that doing so would ensure that I stuck around. He told me what he felt I wanted to hear to avoid abandonment. (Avoiding abandonment was one of his primary concerns.)

I thought that his willingness to acknowledge and discuss his issues meant that he was self reflecting and working on those issues. He was not.

I too was willing to help and I helped a lot until I nearly lost myself.  I was drawn to him and that relationship because I attracted what I needed to learn.

What are you learning about yourself from your relationship? What draws you to your partner and why?

Listening,
Bliss
(3 yrs and 4 months out)

hey fian

oh, i don't need him to agree "yup i have BPD"

my wish would be for him to agree "kay, yeah, i have some major issues"

what is important to me at the moment is that i be clear (setting boundaries) on what i think is going on

the past 6 months have been crazy, and he pretends he's FINE

i realise it's part of the condition

but while i'm willing to help a LOT, some signal of self-awareness is what i need to stay in a relationship with him

without that, i'm willing to support him as a friend, but not as a partner

***my wish for me in life is to have a partner who is self-aware***

whether chris (my (ex?)partner) is self-aware is his business

but if he's not, i can't have him be my partner

that's the choice i'm making for me

i have never been someone who has minded disabilities at all in a partnership

but i know i'm someone who NEEDS self-awareness to be happy in a partnership

so this is actually just about *my needs*

which is selfish in terms of "what is best for chris"

but i think it's okay in terms of what is best for me and him overall

?

[icky]

hey bliss . yeah I know. I worry about this too. whether he'll say "the right stuff" and I won't be able to believe he's being sincere. thank you for the reminder and the warning

[blissful_camper]

hey bliss
yeah I know
I worry about this too
whether he'll say "the right stuff" and I won't be able to believe he's being sincere
thank you for the reminder and the warning

You're welcome! I remember feeling very much on edge, anxious about the uncertainty of the relationship and my ex's sometimes unpredictable behavior. Yet I was determined to believe in him. Are you feeling similarly?

[patientandclear]

Great reflections, Bliss. My therapist and I have zeroed in on a phenomenon wherein my partner reveals to me all his problems with intimacy--and I mistake that for intimacy.

My latest reunion with my ex didn't go very well, in that, as often happens with him, he said things going in that made me feel secure and like the thing was worth doing, only to fail at the first hurdle to act like he'd said he was going to act. When this was playing out, he said very quickly, "I probably need to figure out what happens with me and relationships." Yeah. Except I heard those exact same words five years ago. Five years ago they meant something to me, I gave him space to do this figuring out, I believed in him. It doesn't appear he has made the slightest progress toward acquiring skills to change the outcome in his relationships, and his insight is non-existent. Which takes some doing, given the pattern in his relationships.

[icky]

. yeah, just paying lip service to something is crap. it's like the child-parent dynamic of "you gotta do your homework, you gotta clean up your room"  "yeah mom, i'll do it in a sec.". (endless loops). sigh. bliss, i'm currently not determined to believe him, no. i'm willing to believe him (i'm not mistrusting) but i think there's a real risk it could just be lip service, so i'm gonna wait and see whether he's just talking the talk or whether he's going to actually walk the walk too.

[icky]

.  It doesn't appear he has made the slightest progress toward acquiring skills to change the outcome in his relationships, and his insight is non-existent. Which takes some doing, given the pattern in his relationships..

. : ). i've been getting the giggles quite a lot, yesterday and today. i think it's that nervous tension giggling, but i'm starting to find the ludicrousness of some of these BPD behaviours our (ex)partners do kinda funny. it feels like a healthy thing to be giggling at the absurdity

[icky]

can i tell you one that had me giggling on the way to work this morning? yesterday i dredged up the emails he and i wrote in the aftermath of his fist big BPD meltdown in May. (it'll take a bit of explaining, so bear with me for a sec). i was raised by a lovely and very loving dad and a sadistic, violent, crazy mother (she certainly has a personality disorder, whether it's BPD, i don't know). in my late 20's / early 30's i did a trauma therapy do deal with the long-term effects of that. during that time, i was with my ex-partner (of 15 years) whom i split up with amicably and we are still friends to this day, in part because we shared that journey together - he was incredibly supportive during that time. so. BPD bf forced me/ gave me a massive ultimatum in May that i either tell him EVERYTHING about my traumatic childhood and my trauma therapy, OR I DON'T LOVE HIM AND AM TRYING TO HURT HIM ON PURPOSE (by keeping this a "secret" from him, because we are not "close enough" and i don't "trust him enough". i kept saying that i'd kind of put that stuff behind me and that i was happy to talk to it generally, but that i didn't want to go back to it, pouring over every single detail with him. after a huge meltdown on his side and some fighting about it, i actually ended up relenting and told him stuff about my childhood that i didn't actually feel comfortable in sharing, especially not under duress. anyway... after he'd stopped melting down, it turned out that he was jealous that my ex partner had "shared" that part of my life with me and that he (BPD bf) hadn't. would you believe, it was a case of therapy-envy? i laughed and told him that my ex would gladly have swapped with him - my ex didn't think it was a joy to be going through a trauma therapy with me, given that it drained me and made me emotional, tense, exhausted, etc! but it's to no avail... we've had the same meltdown/fight again, since then. he's convinced that my ex shared something incredibly deep with me (me doing trauma therapy) and that i'm purposely not sharing that with BPD bf. ? when i think about what my ex's reaction would be if i told him bout this, i have to giggle and almost laugh out loud. (i understand BPD bf's concern/ hurt, so i'm not laughing at that). but the thought of telling my ex that my current partner has therapy envy bout the stupidly challenging time we went through back then, cracks me up. : ). (oh and btw whenever i try and talk to BPD bf about this, he totally denies it saying he "never" asked me to talk about my childhood, at all ?).

[blissful_camper]

Great reflections, Bliss. My therapist and I have zeroed in on a phenomenon wherein my partner reveals to me all his problems with intimacy--and I mistake that for intimacy.

My latest reunion with my ex didn't go very well, in that, as often happens with him, he said things going in that made me feel secure and like the thing was worth doing, only to fail at the first hurdle to act like he'd said he was going to act. When this was playing out, he said very quickly, "I probably need to figure out what happens with me and relationships." Yeah. Except I heard those exact same words five years ago. Five years ago they meant something to me, I gave him space to do this figuring out, I believed in him. It doesn't appear he has made the slightest progress toward acquiring skills to change the outcome in his relationships, and his insight is non-existent. Which takes some doing, given the pattern in his relationships.

Thanks for sharing Patientandclear. "I mistake that for intimacy." Bingo! I did too.

[blissful_camper]

can i tell you one that had me giggling on the way to work this morning?

yesterday i dredged up the emails he and i wrote in the aftermath of his fist big BPD meltdown in May

(it'll take a bit of explaining, so bear with me for a sec)

i was raised by a lovely and very loving dad and a sadistic, violent, crazy mother (she certainly has a personality disorder, whether it's BPD, i don't know)

in my late 20's / early 30's i did a trauma therapy do deal with the long-term effects of that

during that time, i was with my ex-partner (of 15 years) whom i split up with amicably and we are still friends to this day, in part because we shared that journey together - he was incredibly supportive during that time

so... .BPD bf forced me/ gave me a *massive* ultimatum in May that i either tell him EVERYTHING about my traumatic childhood and my trauma therapy, OR I DON'T LOVE HIM AND AM TRYING TO HURT HIM ON PURPOSE (by keeping this a "secret" from him, because we are not "close enough" and i don't "trust him enough"

i kept saying that i'd kind of put that stuff behind me and that i was happy to talk to it generally, but that i didn't want to go back to it, pouring over every single detail with him

after a huge meltdown on his side and some fighting about it, i actually ended up relenting and told him stuff about my childhood that i didn't actually feel comfortable in sharing, especially not under duress

anyway... .

after he'd stopped melting down, it turned out that he was *jealous* that my ex partner had "shared" that part of my life with me and that he (BPD bf) hadn't

would you believe, it was a case of therapy-envy?

i laughed and told him that my ex would *gladly* have swapped with him - my ex didn't think it was a joy to be going through a trauma therapy with me, given that it drained me and made me emotional, tense, exhausted, etc!

but it's to no avail... .

we've had the same meltdown/fight again, since then... .he's convinced that my ex shared something incredibly deep with me (me doing trauma therapy) and that i'm purposely not sharing that with BPD bf

?

when i think about what my ex's reaction would be if i told him bout this, i have to giggle and almost laugh out loud

(i understand BPD bf's concern/ hurt, so i'm not laughing at that)

but the thought of telling my ex that my current partner has therapy envy bout the stupidly challenging time we went through back then, cracks me up

: )


(oh and btw whenever i try and talk to BPD bf about this, he totally denies it saying he "never" asked me to talk about my childhood, at all ?)

What things do you enjoy about your relationship with your partner?

[Warcleods]

p.s. if i'm crying and grieving next week and saying how much it all hurts, i hope you won't say i told you so : )

I am not the type of person that will make anyone feel bad for a decision they make for themselves whether good or bad.  You need to do what you feel is right for you and sometimes we tend to ignore or overlook the experiences of others as we think we may just be the exception.  Could things work out for you? Sure, but consider this, given the history, what do you feel the odds of that actually happening are?  Do you want to live the rest of your life expending all of your energy with damage control or do you want to have a relationship where it's interdependent and evolving?

It appears to me that you are far too concerned about "the relationship," and the history surrounding it rather than using those negative experiences to feel out how it may play out in the future.  If the relationship is continuously causing you anguish, then you must ask yourself if you want to survive or thrive in this relationship.  As with my ex BPD, she was masterful at recognizing the issues but could never take the steps necessary to actually make the change.  She would try, give it a few days, fail, go into depression, distance, rinse and repeat.  She was always trying to treat the symptom rather than the identifying the root.  I believe her inability to manage her emotions led to eternal inner conflict that was always thwarted by resorting to unhealthy habits such as binge eating, online chatting, constant masturbation, always needing to be busy, and being constantly emotionally needy. 

I hope everything works out for you but I think you need to ask yourself some critical and difficult questions and start "feeling" your way through.

As an update for me.  It's been NC for 5 days now and I'm actually feeling better.  I still do miss her and think about her often but as the emotion of loss subsides, it is allowing me to really evaluate how the relationship made me feel overall.  And the things I ignored to appease the feelings of someone her.  While there was times of elation, there were also times (usually days) of misery and anguish.  I do not want to experience that again.  Those feelings were perpetrated by her perpetual need to get close to me and then pull away and never know why within herself.   I now understand that this cycle will continue, not only with me, but with any romantic relationship she forges going forward, unless of course, she gets the help she really needs. 

[Zinnia21]

but it's to no avail... .

we've had the same meltdown/fight again, since then... .he's convinced that my ex shared something incredibly deep with me (me doing trauma therapy) and that i'm purposely not sharing that

I had a lot of this type of jealousy from my BPD ex. I would include him in my life so much, love him to bits... .but it's almost like he would re live the feeling of being excluded, or create it in the present time, when there was no need at all.

As an example, I explained how I used to travel a lot with my last partner and it was frustrating that we would fight and that my previous partner had a short temper and I was so glad I'd met someone (BPD boyfriend) who was so sweet and that I couldn't wait to travel with him. I honestly was so looking forward to it, when he was halfway stable we got along so well, I wanted to go to Europe with him.
But all he did was to get jealous that I'd mentioned my ex and that he hadn't shared that with me.
I tried to explain that it wasn't a great experience and I couldn't wait to do it with him instead, but he wouldn't get it.

He'd get jealous and excluded over the most backward things. He just couldn't believe I was happy with him. I really was though! So sad...

Always digging for reasons that I didn't love him. It's a very common and difficult trait