Do your stepkids have a sense of self?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey!

It's been 2,5 years now since ss moved in with us and lately, as things with BPDm get nasty again, i noticed something in ss' wording that he used to do in the very beginning and just recently started doing again.


He talks about himself and his mother as one person. A few exanples are

"We didn't have money for cough syrup for me"
"We didn't have time to cook lunch"
"I only brush my teeth when we remember that i have to"
"When we don't feel like taking a shower, we just don't"
"We are having a baby"

And i find thks really disturbing. They grow to be weirdly symbiotic again and ss seems to leave himself at the doorstep when he leaves.

Did you experience anything like this?

[catclaw]

Hey!

It's been 2,5 years now since ss moved in with us and lately, as things with BPDm get nasty again, i noticed something in ss' wording that he used to do in the very beginning and just recently started doing again.


He talks about himself and his mother as one person. A few exanples are

"We didn't have money for cough syrup for me"
"We didn't have time to cook lunch"
"I only brush my teeth when we remember that i have to"
"When we don't feel like taking a shower, we just don't"
"We are having a baby"

And i find thks really disturbing. They grow to be weirdly symbiotic again and ss seems to leave himself at the doorstep when he leaves.

Did you experience anything like this?

[Nope]

My SD used to do this.

I remember one time she told me she used to go get her nails done with her BPDm but that they stopped going to that place. The way she said it was very weird and ominous so I asked if something bad had happened there. She responded, "No, there is just someone there that we don't like." She was about eight at the time and it turned out BPDm had a falling out with a friend that worked there. It was just very weird to hear a little kid so clearly immersed into adults conflict.

[catclaw]

Yeah nope, now that you say it, there were situations with other people involved. The contact to her father was taken on after more rhan 20 years and then broken up after a few monts. The reason? "Grandpa's wife doesn't like us". Like yeah. A 7 y/o kid is half of the reason. Other than that ss stated "we don't want foreign neighbours". I am a foreigner in our country as per definition and it took me very long to explain that to ss, yet, the mommy/ss-hybrid-thingy is very clear in this.

I'm worried that she keeps using him as as extension of herself again to provide him with this early-childhood feeling

[soundofmusicgirl]

Yes, yes and yes. ALL the time. But only the "golden child" will talk like that. He is totally parentified and will continually talk about him and BPDmom in WE form. She will do the same with her and golden child. The other child (the twin brother) completely falls by the wayside. BPDmom will also talk in WE form when referring to her and the "golden child". She will in fact also talk in WE form when she is alone and the boys are with us.

The "other child" has not come in to talk to my DH via skype for several months now. Yesterday he finally came in (after we stared at an empty room for 20 min). But while he was talking to us, someone was standing in the door and kept prompting him on what to say to us. We believe that it must have been "golden child". At some point we said out loud that if "golden child" is at the door we would love to see him and wether he can come in.

It is very disturbing. Either "golden child" is sent to watch over his brother so that his brother does not share any information with us that he is not supposed to share (which has happened before). Or BPDmom has told "golden child" that he is forbidden in the room when his twin brother talks to us.

"Golden child" has also told us on numerous occasions that he is responsible for making sure eveyone is happy. It makes me cry inside!

[catclaw]

Your last sentence, soundofmusicgirl, also is something ss says repeatedly. It goes as far as "i want to go back to my mom because it's unfair she sees me eow only. If she still can't manage to tke care of.me, i eighter come back or go into foster care again". This loyalty conflict is a huge part of the reason we want him to get therapy, which BPDm refuses.
His BPDm also uses WE when shaking off responsibility. They didn't find the clothes, they misses the train because the forgot the time, they weren't hungry all day through. Sometimes this implies her bf, but she also talked like this before he moved in with her.

I really find it shocking how differently the BPDm in your life treats her twins. It sounds like  the golden child really adapts to the parenting part. Do you just ignore that kind of behaviour? Like when golden child uses the plural talking about himself and his mother?

[soundofmusicgirl]

The loyalty confllict is a terrible place to be in for any child. I have seen one of Dr. Childresses videos and it explains very well how the child cannot develop their own sense of self because they are so focused on fullfilling the needs of the BPD. It has terrible consquences (eg... later in life they will tend to seek out the same co-dependant relationships, they will drift from relationship to relationship because they do not have any idea of who they are or what their needs are).

We have talked to the "golden child" before and have explained to him that it is not his job to make everyone happy. We all go through different emotions during the day and it is perfectly ok. And he is only responsible for his own happiness and no one elses. We have also put a stop to him parenting his twin brother in our home.
I am not sure how "golden child" feels about it. I often wonder wether he might actually not like "not being in charge" because it makes him feel needed (in a very twisted and unhealty way).

Golden child once mentioned to us that "his parents made him a special breakfast". When we asked who he meant with his parents (BPDmom is not remarried nor in a relationship) he mentioned that he meant his grandparents and mom. So we went back and explained to him that grandparents are moms parents and his parents are mom and Dad.

[livednlearned]

SO's D19 does this too.

She also will go to great lengths to lie (to herself?) in order to attempt some form of individuation. After D19 worked all summer down here, her mom insisted D19 return immediately, even went so far as to tell D19 to move out of our house and in with her supervisor. I guess because dad is bad/evil/terrible, etc.?

When it was the last day of work and D19 was supposed to drive to her mom's (next state over), suddenly there was a car problem that apparently had been going on for weeks. Which seemed odd, because D19 normally catastrophizes and she didn't with this.

SO had the car looked at and there was nothing there, and looking at D19's behavior, I realize lying to herself and others about this may be how she gets her own needs met when they diverge from her mom's. She didn't want to drive to mom's right away, is my guess, and had to create a plausible reason for why she couldn't.