My mother has BPD - and will not get help

[MissAnonymous]

My mother is crazy, and she's making me feel like I am going crazy. Ever since I was a child, she has always been screaming. She's always screaming. She's manipulative, she has no insight into herself or what she's doing to others. She's verbally abusive - one minute she's screaming at me or my father saying incredibly hurtful, manipulative things, and then the next minute she acts like nothing has happened and wonders why no one wants to be around her. The kicker is, she's a psychologist who works for the state, which is so incredibly ironic considering the fact that she sees other people's mental illness every day, but doesn't see that she obviously has BPD. I am not sure if she had ever been officially diagnosed with BPD, but she would never let anyone know if she had been. Nothing anyone does pleases her. Everyone is scared of her. Everyone ends up giving in to her and just agreeing with her to make her shut up, especially my father. She has made me feel so incredibly bad about who I am as a person. She's always blaming others for everything, and refuses to ever take ownership, refuses to apologize, refuses to ever say "I was wrong." She going it's these hysterical temper tantrums... .I've never seen anyone behave this way. She throws things, she screams at people, insults people, physically hurts people at times, and when it's over... .I can't believe how she acts, like nothing happened, I've never seen anything like this before. Quite honestly it's gotten to the point where I sometimes fantasize or idealize my life without her. I feel that if she were not alive, everyone would be at peace. My father refuses to go through with anything, or understand what's going on. He continues to allow her to hurt him. I can't stand it anymore. Can someone please describe their experiences with a borderline mother so that I don't feel so alone with this. Because when the dust finally settles and she acts as though nothing just happened,

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome MissAnonymous:

I'm so sorry about your situation with your mother.  I've heard it said that some psychologists got into that profession in an effort to unravel their own issues.  One problem is that it is generally a lot easier for most people to dish out advise than, it is to apply the same advice to them.

The person with BPD (pwBPD) in my life is my sister.  There are a lot of others who have a mother with BPD traits, so you will likely get some replies from some of them.

You can't change you mother, but you can change the way you interact with her.  By setting
BOUNDARIES and using some communication skills, you can improve the situations with your mom.

The following lessons can be helpful.  Just click on the green words to get there.

VALIDATION

AVOID CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

[collyflower]

She's always screaming. She's manipulative, she has no insight into herself or what she's doing to others. She's verbally abusive - one minute she's screaming at me or my father saying incredibly hurtful, manipulative things, and then the next minute she acts like nothing has happened and wonders why no one wants to be around her.

YES, this! My mother (uBPD) is just like that, screaming, raging, no insight at ALL... .and then *poof!* It's all "how was your day? I love you!" Totally acting like everything is normal, hardly ever apologizes. It's beyond tiresome and crazy-making to deal with.

My mother had an episode last night (and it was fueled by alcohol - a guarantee to make any situation much, much worse, and a recent vice in her life. Growing up, it was all the raging witout alcohol) - my dad (they're divorced, lucky for him) said "it's like she's fire anyway, but alcohol is like dumping gasoline on it." She showed up to my house wasted, couldn't walk a straight line. I took her keys and told her I'd drive her home in her car (my boyfriend to follow to drive me back), she was ranting, screaming insults, trying to grapple the keys away from me, shoved me down on the steps (which was a scary thing that I hadn't experienced since childhood - her physically putting her hands on me). I finally managed to get her in the car, she swore and screamed and ranted the whole drive home, saying manipulative things designed to make me feel horrible about myself (I did try to keep reminding myself that there is no logic in her brain during this episode), but she got to me somewhat.

This morning, an email saying all nice and normal. In the past, I got such a sense of relief to be out of her bad graces, but today I really don't even care. I just feel deflated, despondent, hopeless and depressed about the whole situation. I strongly feel that she'll never change. I'm working on trying to view an episode more clinically, and not let it affect me. I can tell that when I don't respond with anger when she's baiting me, it makes her even madder. Honestly, in those moments I don't even feel anger... .just crushing sadness and hopelessness.

You're definitely not alone in the "nothing has happened!" thing... .I think it's part of BPD's trait to always feel like a victim, inability to apologize, swinging wildly from "you're horrible" to "I love you, everything's fine." So hard/sad to deal with... .

[catlady6]

you are not alone. this is exactly how my mother acts. I am so sorry you are going through this. It's terrible.

this website is really helping me. I hope it helps you as well.

the book 'walking on eggshells" has been very insightful for me, also. if you have kindle, i would definitely recommend it.

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

it gives perspective, while also reiterating that it is not our fault when we have parents with BPD. their behavior is not your fault.

[Borderlinestar]

It's horrible. My mother is Like this. She just complains. I only let her call once a month and she had to call on my husbands phone now. She drinks to oblivion at times. She had no idea how she affects people. It took me a long time to separate from her. I respect you, your situation and your pain. CODA meetings help me.

[colormerainbow]

I relate to this so much! That is one of the hardest parts. After she has ripped into me, screamed, thrown things etc. all of the sudden everything is back to normal. It's like nothing every happened. I'm still in pieces after being verbally and psychologically abused, but I feel obligated to suddenly switch to happy mode and pretend like everything is fine. I never feel like I'm allowed to deal with my own emotions because it's never about how I feel. It's always about her. I'm left to wonder how she can think everything is fine, and expect me to be A-okay after she has just been so abusive. But I guess the abuse is some sort of release for her, so once she's done, she feels better. It doesn't matter how everyone else around her feels. It's up to us to pick up the broken pieces every time.

[madmoxxi]

My mother is undx'd BPD as well... .and it's taken being out of my parents' house and over a year of therapy to get even a tiny bit better. She bashes my bf, says he is lying to me, but then, when I tell her that's inappropriate and untrue, she says, "I'm sorry. I'm just having trouble coping with you leaving." (I've been living with my bf for two years. But you know.) She is an alcoholic with anti anxiety medication drug of choice- used to steal mine before she convinced her psych to give her some when she ran out of my extras I kept in her safe. It was like, 5 bottles over a year. A five month supply, and like 120 1mg pills. My bad. She choked me as a child. She's constantly moody. She used to lock herself in the bathroom and threaten to kill or harm herself. I'm not as successful as her due to my own issues, and she judges me for it really sneakily. She's manipulative. She is constantly looking for reasons other than her own parenting for my psych issues. I mean, she literally started looking up studies. I have a lot trauma due to her actions and it's taking a lot of therapy. When I call her out, she gaslight me. I could go on, but ya know. You're not alone.