It's about ME this time

[I_am_Stacey]

I hate mondays. Not just because it’s Monday, but I’ve to see my BPDex again at work after a nice quitte weekend. It was my birthday and I actually had a lot of fun. Ofcourse I didn’t hear from him and actually I was glad I didn’t. Talking to him at work sets me back everytime. Like last week when he told me about my replacement number 2, I noticed getting grumpy and just not in a good mood. It made me realize I haven’t fully detached. And to do that I need to set bounderies. For me, what works for me.   

I realized something today. I have a choice. I have a choice to be happy. I choose to be happy. And he hasn’t. That’s sad. And it is his loss. He’s missing out on a wonderfull person who loved him and saw him for who he was. Who was willing to go through the struggles together and fight together for what we had. Now he’s with replacement number 2, and everything will start over. And I try not to let him get under my skin. I try to be healthy and work out and just tink of ME for a change. What do I want? Yes I want him. And yes I miss him. But I also know that it will never work out as I’m a trigger to him now. He disrespected me in so many ways. I could forgive him but that would mean he gets treatment. Which he don’t think he needs.  He’s not good for me and I need to set bounderies to detach, for ME.

So today I’m cutting the cord. No more texts, not more peeking on social media. And no more contact at work besides work stuff. Ans yes it is hard and I’m hurting. I’m ashamed, and I want to run and hide. But I know I deserve more! And I have to forgive myself, forgive myself for letting it get this far and not looking out for ME. So that’s what today’s about. I’ve marked it on my calender. Didn’t run into him today… Wish me luck tomorrow!

XOXO

[heartandwhole]

So today I’m cutting the cord. No more texts, not more peeking on social media. And no more contact at work besides work stuff. Ans yes it is hard and I’m hurting. I’m ashamed, and I want to run and hide. But I know I deserve more! And I have to forgive myself, forgive myself for letting it get this far and not looking out for ME. So that’s what today’s about. I’ve marked it on my calender. Didn’t run into him today… Wish me luck tomorrow!

Well done I_am_Stacey    That's the spirit! Let your feelings move through you—the good, the bad, the indifferent—and keep treating yourself with utmost respect, love, and compassion. If there are backslides and setbacks, don't worry. It's normal and we've got your back. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes this week at work.

heartandwhole

[I_am_Stacey]

Thank you Heartandwhole for your encouraging words. It really helps to know that I’m not alone in this.

So today is the second day and I did run in to him, but just said ‘Hi’ and had to ask him something about work, which I did and nothing else. I noticed that I got a little ‘moody’ and offbalanced and was a bit short and maybe not so friendly in my communication, but at least I kept MY boundaries and that’s what’s important. Saw him later on my lunchbreak and just walked by, not giving him any notice. I’m actually pretty proud of that. I realize I’m getting a bit angry when I see him now: how could he disgard me like that? I just let these feelings get through.

I'm feeling a bit anctious now... .Restless almost, but try to focus on other things - going to the gym this evening and not to think about him.
Just thought I share… Going into day 3 with my head up high
XOXO

[heartandwhole]

Hi I_am_Stacey,

I've read your other thread, too, and I know how hard it is to detach while seeing your ex every day. Especially when you are socializing with him at work. I wonder if that is a good idea, given that you are still feeling a bit "up and down" with regard to your feelings about him?

Maybe cutting of social contact for a bit will help you. I mean, just communicate about work and nothing else for awhile. You could tell him that you just need a "time out" and that it's about what you need to feel better (e.g., nothing to do with him).

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[I_am_Stacey]

I've read your other thread, too, and I know how hard it is to detach while seeing your ex every day. Especially when you are socializing with him at work. I wonder if that is a good idea, given that you are still feeling a bit "up and down" with regard to your feelings about him?

Yes, that's why I decided to cut off the social contact. I went along with it because I thought we would have a chance to talk and I'd get some explanation of him or something. He made some promises but I realise now that he will never say things to my face. I allowed him to just get away with it and have me to talk to when he needed, not thinking about me. He just acts like it never happend.

Maybe cutting of social contact for a bit will help you. I mean, just communicate about work and nothing else for awhile. You could tell him that you just need a "time out" and that it's about what you need to feel better (e.g., nothing to do with him).

I actually never talk to him alone. He always makes sure to tag other people along so I can't bring it up. And I don't want to text him. I'm done with that. Or communicating through texts. I don't want to keep tabs on what he's doing anymore. He never tells me anything personal, I always hear about stuff from coworkers or I see from his constantly chamging profile pic on whatsapp what's going on: I know the cycle!

I'm feeling more up and down since I decided on no more socializing. I quess it set me back in some strange way as I think there's finally no more hope. So it feels kinda like starting over but I am determined. The thing is, since I've decided that he isn't contacting me anymore, just ignores me now. So we're really back where we started! I think the new girl surely has something to do with it- idealization, he doesn't 'need' me right now. At least it gives me some space to detach until when she's gone in 3 months? All I know I really want this and I need to do this. I just miss the ideal him... .the him I loved... .don't we all? I know it's an illusion, but my heart sometimes doesn't catch up with my head.

Keeping the contact workrelated is the best thing. For now I'm not gonna talk to him about it unless he asks: which I'm sure he won't, he's too scared to talk to my face, or maybe ashamed. Who knows what's going on in his head.

XOXO

[I_am_Stacey]

Keeping the contact workrelated is the best thing. For now I'm not gonna talk to him about it unless he asks: which I'm sure he won't, he's too scared to talk to my face, or maybe ashamed. Who knows what's going on in his head.

So, I was just sitting outside for a smoke and he came out. I said 'hi' and he started talking to me. this is what I find difficult. Ofcourse it was about him and the problems with his ex. What do I do? So I didn't really respond and deffinitely didn't talk about me. I don't want to be weird or anything... .It didn't trigger me as before and I'm keeping my LC as in no texting and peeking and seeking contact myself. We'll see how it goes... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi I_am_Stacey,

I see your point. I definitely wouldn't want to listen to him talk about his relationship problems on my break. What are your options in that situation?

A few I see are as follows:

1) After greeting him, express in your body language that you don't feel like chatting (e.g., turning half-sideways) and looking in another direction.

2) Move... .decide to take a short walk right then.

3) Tell him you don't feel like chatting at the moment.

4) Finish your cigarette and leave when he comes out.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

[I_am_Stacey]

Hi heartandwhole,

thank you for thinking with me! 

A few I see are as follows:

1) After greeting him, express in your body language that you don't feel like chatting (e.g., turning half-sideways) and looking in another direction.

4) Finish your cigarette and leave when he comes out.

Tried this this morning and it's a huge help 

I'm a bit worried as he told a coworker (male, whom I'm talking to since a couple of weeks, just as friends) about us. I haven't talked to my exBPD about it and I don't think I will. this guy told me straight up. I'm starting to see that all he does is what benefits him. Since I've gone very LC/ NC he keeps showing up on my lunchbreak/ coffeebreak. It's okay for him to move on but he can't have me do the same.

Gosh sometimes I wonder how I could have been so stupid to get me into this mess. I really look at myself what I can learn from this but sometimes I wish I'd never met him... .*Big Sigh*

XOXO

[Nextinline]

Stacey... .

I have just read your posts.

You have a beautiful soul. I want all of this to work out for you.
You deserve the best!

Take care

[I_am_Stacey]

Nextinline 

Thank you! 
You know what: I know it will work for me, I truely do. This is my time to learn and be a (even  ) better version of me.

This wonderfull family here has sure helped a lot!

XOXO