Im so confused. Please help

[Parents! Get help here!]

 I started therapy a couple of months ago in my effort to understand whats happening with my daughter. My therapist led me to this site. for the first time things make sense in regards to my daughter. I have a beautiful 19 year old daughter. I had what I thought in my mind was a beautiful relationship with her. Even though she would rage when confronted with something she did or said. I just figured that her anger was a part of growing up. Although, she would say things to me like " I am so lucky to have you as a mom",  and "Mom, you're my hero, I wouldn't be where I am today with out you as my mom". I thought she felt the same about me as I felt about her. It tuns out that she didn't feel the same way. My life as I knew it go turned upside down on one fateful morning in July.  My daughter had friend that she started to spend a lot of time with. For over a year, this boy spent a lot of time at our home for dinner, family game nights,or movie nights.  Then things got strange, he stopped coming over as often and My daughter accused me of treating her friend bad for months. Her accusations didn’t make any sense to me. I allowed her accusations to roll off my back for months, until she had a conversation with my fiancee, he confronted me about her claims. I responded by texting the boy to find out if he had an issue coming here, and invite him for dinner. He responded that he would love to come over. I decided to have a conversation with my daughter on morning that the boy was coming over. She yelled at me because I invited him over for dinner. She stated that she wouldn’t let him tell me ___. I told her that I wanted to resolve this problem today, She stated that "I can’t make her do anything", and then she ran away. Since she left, she has treated me with such distain, and verbal abuse' via text only. She still accuses me of things that I didn't do and blames me for things that have happened to her since she left. She refuses to answer my text or work with me to address the issues. Anytime I ask her anything about her insurance or school, she sends my fiancé a text saying that I am trying to destroy and ruin her life. She is refusing to accept responsibility for not working with me. She has blocked my phone calls and has defriended both her brother and I on Facebook. She is alienating her family. few weeks ago she came home to grab her winter clothes. While she was here, she treated me terrible, She acted like she was having a party and a great time in her room. She refused to talk to me. I tried to stay out of her way, but when she was leaving I went to open the door and she pushed me into a wall and stared to scream at me to move. She then told my fiancé that I was trying to trap her. Which was far from the truth. Yesterday, she unexpectedly showed up at my house with a couple of friends that I didn't know. She just walked in and acted like nothing ever happened. I didn't say anything, because I didn't know what to expect. She said "Hi Mom" and I said Hi back. She then asked if she could come here for Thanksgiving. I responded really? At which point my tears started to flow, she came over and asked me why I was crying and started to hug me. she told me not to cry. I unsuccessfully tried to compose myself, I seriously don't know where my tears came from.  What's confusing me is, how did she go from hating me and pushing me out of her life for months to coming home and acting like none of this has happened?  I truly don't understand what is happening with her now or how to handle this situation? Any advice?

[ElizabethL]

 I started therapy a couple of months ago in my effort to understand whats happening with my daughter. My therapist led me to this site. for the first time things make sense in regards to my daughter. I have a beautiful 19 year old daughter. I had what I thought in my mind was a beautiful relationship with her. Even though she would rage when confronted with something she did or said. I just figured that her anger was a part of growing up. Although, she would say things to me like " I am so lucky to have you as a mom",  and "Mom, you're my hero, I wouldn't be where I am today with out you as my mom". I thought she felt the same about me as I felt about her. It tuns out that she didn't feel the same way. My life as I knew it go turned upside down on one fateful morning in July.  My daughter had friend that she started to spend a lot of time with. For over a year, this boy spent a lot of time at our home for dinner, family game nights,or movie nights.  Then things got strange, he stopped coming over as often and My daughter accused me of treating her friend bad for months. Her accusations didn’t make any sense to me. I allowed her accusations to roll off my back for months, until she had a conversation with my fiancee, he confronted me about her claims. I responded by texting the boy to find out if he had an issue coming here, and invite him for dinner. He responded that he would love to come over. I decided to have a conversation with my daughter on morning that the boy was coming over. She yelled at me because I invited him over for dinner. She stated that she wouldn’t let him tell me ___. I told her that I wanted to resolve this problem today, She stated that "I can’t make her do anything", and then she ran away. Since she left, she has treated me with such distain, and verbal abuse' via text only. She still accuses me of things that I didn't do and blames me for things that have happened to her since she left. She refuses to answer my text or work with me to address the issues. Anytime I ask her anything about her insurance or school, she sends my fiancé a text saying that I am trying to destroy and ruin her life. She is refusing to accept responsibility for not working with me. She has blocked my phone calls and has defriended both her brother and I on Facebook. She is alienating her family. few weeks ago she came home to grab her winter clothes. While she was here, she treated me terrible, She acted like she was having a party and a great time in her room. She refused to talk to me. I tried to stay out of her way, but when she was leaving I went to open the door and she pushed me into a wall and stared to scream at me to move. She then told my fiancé that I was trying to trap her. Which was far from the truth. Yesterday, she unexpectedly showed up at my house with a couple of friends that I didn't know. She just walked in and acted like nothing ever happened. I didn't say anything, because I didn't know what to expect. She said "Hi Mom" and I said Hi back. She then asked if she could come here for Thanksgiving. I responded really? At which point my tears started to flow, she came over and asked me why I was crying and started to hug me. she told me not to cry. I unsuccessfully tried to compose myself, I seriously don't know where my tears came from.  What's confusing me is, how did she go from hating me and pushing me out of her life for months to coming home and acting like none of this has happened?  I truly don't understand what is happening with her now or how to handle this situation? Any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ElizabethL]

I forgot to mention that my daughter showed a lack of emotion, empathy, and didn't offer an apology during her short visit yesterday. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome ElizabethL:   
It sounds like a very frustrating and scary situation with your daughter.  I'm glad you started seeing a therapist to help guide you through this.  I'm dealing with a uBPD sister who has BPD traits and is on the high functioning side (not diagnosed = uBPD).  I'm sure others, with BPD daughters, will likely respond to your post.

Has your therapist recommended a book to read on BPD?  There is a lot of good information at the links to the upper right of this post. The link below leads to the top 50 questions about BPD.  You will find articles of interest there, that can answer some of the initial questions you have.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=45.0;sort=views;desc

I tried to stay out of her way, but when she was leaving I went to open the door and she pushed me into a wall and stared to scream at me to move. She then told my fiancé that I was trying to trap her. Which was far from the truth.

It's not okay for her to get physical with you.  The article at the link below (click on green words), contains a section that addresses domestic violence.  Although, it is more common to have domestic violence within a romantic relationship, or between parent and child, children or young adults are sometimes the abuser.  It is best to assume that you could have another event with your daughter, so best to think it through and have a plan in place.

Safety First

If you haven't already discussed your daughter's violent outburst with your therapist, you might want to have a discussion with your therapist about a plan for you, should it happen again with your daughter. 

Where is your daughter living now?  You mentioned school.  Who provides financial support for her right now?

[ElizabethL]

This situation is quite frustrating to say the least.
Since she left I have discovered that she has led a secret life. The boy that I spoke of in my initial post was her boyfriend. I think that she didn't want me to find out about her relationship with him which is why she ran away. The irony is, I liked this boy and I encourage her to date him, but she kept told me that she wasn't ready to date, she said she wanted to focus on school. To hear words like that come out of your teenager is every parents dream, Right?  Needless to say, They have since broken up. and she is in relationship with another guy within days of breaking up with him. That's not all, I found out that she has another FB page where she has sexually suggestive pictures of her posted as well as multiple pictures of guys that she is kissing posted. I was so fooled by her words... .   

My daughter is uBPD. However, her father is diagnosed with BPD and bipolar 1. Im not sure if there is any direct correlation with my daughter. He father had supervised visitation. So his contact with her was limited through out the years.
 
I asked my my therapist during my last session if she has experience with BPD patients. She stated that she had experience when she first started in her profession, but will not work with BPD clients. She has yet to recommend any books, she did recommend this site to me though.

As far as I know, she is living with her grandparents on her fathers side. Normally one would feel good about that, but I don't. I called them to thank them for giving her a safe place to stay. I did attempted to tell them what happened, but they bought into the web of lies she told and quoted bible scriptures to me and stated the she was just rebelling, and told me to stay out of her life. The church they attend is like a cult. They are classic enablers. Throughout the years, they enabled their son, and now they have their hands on my daughter and they helped make this situation worse by pitting her against her family.

She is currently in college, and had a job during the summer and fall.

Thanks for posting the info about domestic violence. Im not sure where her aggression is coming from, she was raised in a loving, supportive, and non aggressive home. I am very nervous about her hurting me.  Thanks for the links I will check them out.

 

[Naughty Nibbler]

ElizabethL:    

BPD can be genetic, environmental or a combination of both.  Genetically, brain chemistry and/or wiring can be inherited.  You might find the article at the link below interesting.  It indicates that the brain behavior of people with BPD is like they are missing the brake pedal for their emotions.  
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/01/160113103314.htm

The research article at the link below studied people with BPD traits and found they had lower levels of empathy:
www.newswise.com/articles/uga-research-links-borderline-personality-traits-with-lowered-empathy

You might be interested in this book:
Borderline Personality Disorder in Adolescents, 2nd Edition: What To Do When Your Teen Has BPD: A Complete Guide for Families

Just Google the first part of the title and add the word book and you will see options to buy it.  You could just go directly to Amazon.com and just search there.  It comes in Kindle or paperback.

The situation with her grandparents sounds like it complicates things.  The article at the link below to the Karpman Drama Triangle will be helpful.  You want to avoid bad triangulation and focus on good triangulation.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[Lollypop]

Hi there ElizabethL

I just wanted to say hello and welcome to the forum. I'm really sorry to hear of your struggles with your daughter. I've been on the forum regularly since Dec 15 and my relationship has improved with my BPDs25 and I've found his behaviour has too. I've learnt a new approach with learning about BPD To get a better understanding of my BPDs limitations and practising new skills like validation. You've come to a good place here.

Naughtynibbler: thanks for this link I'm the drama triangle. I'm in one at the moment, I was very aware not to be the perpetrator or the rescuer but have found myself, at times, switching into victim. I didn't know the theory but was acting on instinct and this link has really help me and I will try and stay centred. I will say though, that its not easy when the two others in the triangle are emotionally immature. I'm trying to be assertive (not the persecutor), I made some headway with my son understanding this UNTIL third person had their say and swung him back into victim. Sigh.  Thanks again for this.

L

[ElizabethL]

Thank you for your warm welcome everyone. Lollypop, your post gives me hope in a situation that feels so hopeless to me. I don't know how to reach out to her to work out whatever it is that's causing her anger and rage.
As her mom, I feel so frustrated and confused. 4 months ago I went from what I thought was a beautiful relationship with my daughter to being completely estranged from my daughter. I feel like she built me up only to break me down.
However, it took her running away to help me recognize past behaviors for what they were. I feel like my eyes where shut before and now they are wide open. I don't understand the motivation behind her visit on Sunday. It so confusing to me how she can go from hating me on Monday to coming home and acting like nothing is wrong and asking if she can come here on Thanksgiving on Sunday. I sent her a text yesterday saying that I'm not sure if she wants me to contact her or not now. I also told her that I love her and look forward to working working things out with respect and compassion, when she's ready. At this point, it seems like I'm back to getting ignored by her again.   
I wish I could get inside her head so I could understand what's happening with her. I look forward to learning more about BPD on this site, so I can gain understanding on how I can help her. I think I'm going to try and find a BPD support group in my area, and maybe change to a therapist who understands BPD if I can find one.
     

[Lollypop]

4 months ago I went from what I thought was a beautiful relationship with my daughter to being completely estranged from my daughter... .

... .it took her running away to help me recognize past behaviors for what they were... .

... .I feel like my eyes where shut before and now they are wide open... .

... .I wish I could get inside her head so I could understand what's happening with her... .
     

I can really relate to you with these comments apart from the four months. We had a long haul unfortunately.  But 4 months is a quick spiral for you to deal with; you must be reeling, trying to digest how and why you are where you are.

At first I told my BPDs that things were going to be different, that I'd changed. I then had to prove it. I started by changing my interactions with him; always with a warm smile, i kept topics of conversation light and short, complete nonsense really.  I didn't talk about BPD, jobs, what I thought he should do, etc - nothing deep.  Without pressure, Slowly he relaxed in my presence. Then the real work began.

i know you're doing the right thing in learning as much as you can about BPD. This will better arm you, knowledge is power. Get reading and posting.

L