How do I get my stuff back?

[baconeggs]

Hey everyone,


My BPD ex broke up with me two weeks ago and has been honoring no contact except for leaving me a voicemail to let me know she requested I be removed from her Verizon family plan.  Her voicemail was normal and she said she hoped I was doing well.  I didn't call her back and just removed myself from her family plan, so we still have had no contact for 2 weeks.

Now the problem is that I have about $1000 worth of ski equipment and shoes over there.  I want to stay NC but I also want to have my stuff back so that I can use it. I'm worried about stirring up some drama when I request my things.  I guess I'd like to ask to try and pick my stuff up without her there.  Would this be a reasonable request?

Replacing my stuff seems a little extreme just to maintain total NC.


What would you all recommend?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi baconeggs-

What would you all recommend?

Of course the straightforward thing would be call her and arrange to go get your stuff, and have an amicable, brief exchange; that wouldn't have been possible with my ex, and sounds like it's important to you to not communicate with her.

Remember, no contact is a tool, not a rule.  It's a tool we can use to get our feet on the ground, so we can detach and heal, when ongoing contact is making things worse.

But as far as options go, you could have her leave your stuff on the porch or whatever and you just go get it.  Or maybe there's a mutual friend who could go get it for you?  If the stuff's important to you, there are ways to get it, and number one in importance needs to be your emotional state and serenity; if you can communicate with her briefly without upsetting your balance too much, then maybe that's an option?

[baconeggs]

Thanks for the suggestion fromheel.

 Wow, it looks like it's been two months already and we've been mostly NC except for me sending her three separate emails over the last couple months trying to arrange for a time to pick up my things.  After a brief email exchange each time, she ends up saying that whatever time I/she proposed won't be good anymore and of course she says this a day or two before the proposed time.  She has said that the reason is because we were together 8 years and she can't emotionally handle seeing me.

This whole situation is complicated by the fact that she lives 7 hours away.

I even suggested I can pick up my things without her there. 

Honestly, I was prepared for the breakup this time so I haven't had a hard time coping until this new year. Now that vacation is over and it's back to the daily grind, I'm feeling down and miss/want her.

I've gotten weak and initialized the recycle after I broke up with her twice before.  This time, she broke up with me.

Even though I miss her right now, I think I should stick to NC this time unless she reaches out.  I'm not even sure it's worth continuing to ask for my stuff until she is ready, but this is tough because I would love to ski with my own equipment because it makes me happy.

According to what I've read online, getting the police/law involved might not be worth it and would definitely be a rollercoaster with a BPD.

So that's where I am now-not contacting her at all-even to ask for my stuff back until she is ready to contact me.  What do you all think about that idea?

[once removed]

Wow, it looks like it's been two months already and we've been mostly NC except for me sending her three separate emails over the last couple months trying to arrange for a time to pick up my things.  After a brief email exchange each time, she ends up saying that whatever time I/she proposed won't be good anymore and of course she says this a day or two before the proposed time.  She has said that the reason is because we were together 8 years and she can't emotionally handle seeing me.

as someone who went down that rabbit hole for a few months, i found it really drew out my detachment process. thats a pretty honest statement from her that gives you clear insight. getting your stuff back is going to be an obstacle.

Replacing my stuff seems a little extreme just to maintain total NC.

it is. but are you willing to go to extremes to get your stuff back? no right or wrong answer, but it could come to that.

[neverloveagain]

It's a tough thing but my exBPD waif when we split up had a £2000 pound ring of mine a family air loom that was my great nans. When I went nc she would dangle it as bait to try and get me to re ingage with her. I realised in the end I would have to swallow the loss as I don't want her to know she has any power over me. And even though it's a big loss for me knowing the crazy drama she would do if I tried to get it back, I just walked away never looked back. If it's not super sentimental and can be replaced leave it start over. Don't give them anymore ammunition. I fast realised in responding to getting the ring back would be a Pyrrhic victory at best.

[baconeggs]

neverloveagain, I think you're spot on with the baiting thing.  I think she is trying to do that now.

We've been completely no contact for 1.5 months now.  I don't even stalk her social media accounts anymore, because I don't want to see anything painful.  I was resigned to the fact that I wouldn't see my stuff again.  As I expected, she called me, I didn't pick up, and she left me a voicemail today.  I was actually inconveniently missing her today, too.  Her message was as follows and spoken with an exaggerated politeness:

"
Hey, it's ***. Um, I just wanted to call and, uh, see how you're doing.  Hope you had a nice holiday season.  You know, to say I'm sorry I didn't let ya get your stuff. I just couldn't deal with it.  I think we should probably set that up and you know, talk, get some closure, and um, maybe catch up a little bit, and, uh, move forward. I hope you're doing really well.  Let me know.  Text me, e-mail me, whatever, and we can figure out a time when you can grab your things, and uh.  I'm sure you miss your skis.  So, anyway, that's it.  I hope you have a great day.
"

My translation:
"I'm lonely, horny,  and want you to want me again."

My options:

A) Ignore her completely. (could lead to her saying/doing something nasty)
B) Refuse her offer via e-mail. ( could also lead to her saying/doing something nasty)
C) Go there to get my things (I'm pretty sure if I go there, "closure" will include her getting upset and trying to prevent me from leaving, and then insisting on some incredible break-up sex or she will tell me all about her awesome new boyfriend (not sure if she has one)).

I also noticed Valentines day just happens to be in a couple weeks... .  If she's looked elsewhere, she probably hasn't found anyone as good as me who puts up with her crap.

I like option A because I'm lazy and it's easy, but I do still want my stuff back.  If I reply to her, I might expect a response and I might not get it.

Problem is, I'm still trying to heal from this r/s and I'm not ready to pick up women and have sex yet.  At the same time, I have urges and can't help thinking about sex with my ex... .  I know that's the wrong thing to do because it will involve lots of drama and probably end up with us recycling again, which would lead to more emotional suffering for me.

If you took the time to read this, what are your thoughts? 

Thanks for your replies!  They help me out and give me guidance.

[once removed]

you wanted your things back, right? shes explained that she was feeling too raw to do the exchange but wants to now. do you still want your things back?

[GlennT]

If you put your hand in the cage, the lion could rip your arm off, then ski's won't matter.

[Rayban]

baconeggs

Is there a reason why you haven't asked her to leave your stuff so that you can pick it up when she's not there?  Or have a friend pick it up?

You don't have to go into details.  Just tell her you want your stuff back, and it's best that you don't meet.

As for missing  the incredible sex with your ex, it's just not worth it. I experienced something similar after a break-up with my ex, and I agreed to meet her, not for closure cause I knew a relationship with her would never work, but because I thought I would keep seeing her just for sex. Needless to say this was a huge mistake.  I regretted going and see her. I would have been so much further in my healing.  I spent weeks sleeping with her, while having her dismissing the importance of our relationship and her telling me about the people she was seeing.  Don't fall for the lure.  She' ll pull you back for the sex and use that to systematically destroying your self worth. Think with your head. Show her you are in control and do what's best for both of you.

[baconeggs]

you wanted your things back, right? shes explained that she was feeling too raw to do the exchange but wants to now. do you still want your things back?

Yea, I do want my things back, but I have the feeling that she has ulterior motives- especially when she wants to talk about "how I've been", "closure" and "catch up a bit".  I'm also almost certain she will get upset and do something which will cause me grief if I go there to pick up my things.  Do borderlines seek closure for the same reason as nons?

baconeggs

Is there a reason why you haven't asked her to leave your stuff so that you can pick it up when she's not there?  Or have a friend pick it up?

You don't have to go into details.  Just tell her you want your stuff back, and it's best that you don't meet.

As for missing  the incredible sex with your ex, it's just not worth it. I experienced something similar after a break-up with my ex, and I agreed to meet her, not for closure cause I knew a relationship with her would never work, but because I thought I would keep seeing her just for sex. Needless to say this was a huge mistake.  I regretted going and see her. I would have been so much further in my healing.  I spent weeks sleeping with her, while having her dismissing the importance of our relationship and her telling me about the people she was seeing.  Don't fall for the lure.  She' ll pull you back for the sex and use that to systematically destroying your self worth. Think with your head. Show her you are in control and do what's best for both of you.

I had suggested she just leave the stuff for me to pick up when she said she couldn't deal with seeing me yet, but she didn't respond to that.

That's rough, Rayban.  I hope your healing process is going better now.  As for having sex and her telling me about the other people she has seen, that's what happened when we recycled the last time.  That's what I would expect this time.  I don't think I want that. 

I still haven't responded.  I don't really know how to, so I'm holding off for now and trying to focus on what I have to do for work and myself tomorrow.

[once removed]

Do borderlines seek closure for the same reason as nons?

we all seek closure for similar reasons.

one and a half months isnt an extremely long time to put off closure in a relationship in what would probably be a bittersweet event for both of you. her words dont indicate ulterior motives from my perspective, but you know her better than i do. her words are also not a guarantee for how the meeting would go or how either of you might react. it is also a possibility that she will back out again at which point i would give up the idea.

put aside the skis for a moment. do you want to have that conversation with her? be honest with yourself. how might it effect you?

[baconeggs]

put aside the skis for a moment. do you want to have that conversation with her? be honest with yourself. how might it effect you?

I don't want to have a conversation with her at all unless she has miraculously changed.  If we did have the conversation, I'm worried that she will either intentionally or unintentionally say something that will hurt me which could take me a step back in my detacent/healing process.

And then there is the good possibility you mention of her backing out again.

I still haven't responded.  I think NC has helped me process the breakup and I'm reluctant to break it.

Thanks for your questions, once removed.  They make me think.

[Rayban]

You are doing right by not acting on impulse, and trying to find a solution that works best for you both. I think that this is one of those occasions where your resolve will be tested. Dont over analyze it. Just remember why you went no contact to begin with. Dont let material items be the the weapon she uses to drag you back in.

[once removed]

one option would be to state that youre not ready for that conversation, and arrange a way to get your things.