Kicked my nephew out of the house...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I think allowing your son to shift focus on stress about life, is somewhat of a "cop out."

It is a legitimate reason, for sure, and great he owned up to the act.
Yet, IMO, it is still him that needs to take ownership of his choices on how to manage stress.

I would be cautious of making this about him being a victim of stress.

I'd make it about empowering him to look at choices.
How he goes about deciding and choosing methods for de stressing.
Problem solving ways to identify stress, minimize general stress, and manage specific stressors.  Identifying strategies and people for support.

Vs turning to a vice for an escape.

I would not be talking to him about mom or specific stuff about her.
I would want to put the spotlight on him.
His goals.
Achieving them.
And how he can remain focused, get more positive support for staying the course.

(Seems to me... .if I were him... .and my dad wanted to talk to me about mom stuff, I would be resentful, she again is getting a spotlight and power in my emotional upsetness of being in trouble for smoking... .really would communicate to me that there really is NO escape from her... .I would want it to be about me.)
Not at all saying that is where you were headed or thinking or anyone else here, just rambling off thoughts here and there, cause ya never know.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think allowing your son to shift focus on stress about life, is somewhat of a "cop out."

It is a legitimate reason, for sure, and great he owned up to the act.
Yet, IMO, it is still him that needs to take ownership of his choices on how to manage stress.

I would be cautious of making this about him being a victim of stress.

I'd make it about empowering him to look at choices.
How he goes about deciding and choosing methods for de stressing.
Problem solving ways to identify stress, minimize general stress, and manage specific stressors.  Identifying strategies and people for support.

Vs turning to a vice for an escape.

I would not be talking to him about mom or specific stuff about her.
I would want to put the spotlight on him.
His goals.
Achieving them.
And how he can remain focused, get more positive support for staying the course.

(Seems to me... .if I were him... .and my dad wanted to talk to me about mom stuff, I would be resentful, she again is getting a spotlight and power in my emotional upsetness of being in trouble for smoking... .really would communicate to me that there really is NO escape from her... .I would want it to be about me.)
Not at all saying that is where you were headed or thinking or anyone else here, just rambling off thoughts here and there, cause ya never know.

[Grey Kitty]

As a parent, you do have a responsibility to offer your children tools to deal with their mother.

I wouldn't recommend telling your kids about mental illness. If she doesn't accept the mentally ill label for herself, (I don't recall her accepting it) it won't go well. Either whether she gets mad at you for telling the kids, or if she gets mad at the kids for saying it.

When you need to deal with her, it seems better to deal with specific behavior, rather than the mental illness, or at least talk about it in those terms.

Those are the sort of tools I'd give your kids. More effective for them. Safer for them. Safer for you.

"Mom says stuff that is mean and out of line when she gets upset and scared... .it is out of line because... .(details about how it is abusive/not fighting fair/not appropriate)"

If you can give them effective tools without actually using words like paranoia or BPD, that seems like a good idea, at least in your situation.

[KateCat]

"Mom says stuff that is mean and out of line when she gets upset and scared... .it is out of line because... .(details about how it is abusive/not fighting fair/not appropriate)"

If you can give them effective tools without actually using words like paranoia or BPD, that seems like a good idea, at least in your situation.

I like this a whole, whole lot.

[formflier]

 
The advice of the P is to acknowledge his stress... .or whatever he is expressing.  That is real.

It's also real that when he experiences that... .he needs to own his feelings and make choices that are likely to not be addictive... .and avoid things that are very likely to to be addictive.  Also to make the point that once there is a first addiction... .the next one is more likely to come up.  Also that nicotine is highly addictive.

Basically to be empathetic and a healthy dose of truth.



FF

[empath]

"Mom says stuff that is mean and out of line when she gets upset and scared... .it is out of line because... .(details about how it is abusive/not fighting fair/not appropriate)"

I really like this. FF, your kids probably already know that their mom is acting in ways that they have been taught are wrong. They just aren't going to say anything about it. In a lot of families, these things aren't talked about and become bigger problems because the kids don't have any guidance about it. Acknowledging it creates a bit of emotional safety and opens it up for discussions. Safely talking about it would be a healthier way to deal with the 'stress' - I'm sure that all the kids are affected in some way and could benefit from being able to talk about their feelings.

Speaking the truth in love.

[HopefulDad]

On another note: Thank you for your service to our country, FF.