My BPD and sexual degredation/splitting and its impact

[CooperD]

Hi folks

As you will have seen in my post on Sunday my wife of just over a year (partner of 5 years) flew 5,000 miles at the weekend to serve me divorce papers.  She had told me before I picked her up at the airport that she was comng here for several weeks to work on us.   Only to then hit me with tthe papers within an hour of arriving with a big smirk on her face and a glass of champagne in her hand. She then left and has now returned to the US and is not answering any of my calls/messages.

I am in a terrible state right now and am trying to process everything by accepting the reality of how she really was.  

One of those themes is sexual humiliation and degradation as through that I can definitely see now how she split me and used it to make me feel worthless.  Has anyone else experienced the kinds of things I describe below (sorry if my descriptions are graphic).

- when we first met she used to say that we had the "best/yummy sex" and that I was the best she had ever had.

- my first real inclination that she had real issues was when we had a huge argument where I was reduced to tears and whilst still crying she told me to have sex with her. I obviously couldn't due to being so upset which she then said meant that I found her repulsive and ugly.

- she woild constanlty state that I was never hard enough.

- she would accuse me of being homosexual.

- she would say i never went down on her even though I would do almost daily when we were together.

- she told me she was going to become a stripper to get money

- she started referring to her own genitalia as "her cockroach pus.y"

- she asked me to have sex with her and then immediately after told me she was going to report me for raping her

- when i asked her how her day had been she told me she had been out sucking another mans penis

- when i commented that her breasts were nice she screamed at me to shut up talking

- she told me I could not talk during sex

- she would not even let me hold her hand for months but then blamed me for us not being intimate with each other

- she told me that everyone says she is a "good fook"

All the time for years through this she was telling me she had HPV and was having all these surgical procedures too.

- after an accident in which we had unprotected sex she blamed me for it and then when we get a morning after pill she blamed me for forcing her to take it.  She also then smiled and told me that she had not really taken the tablet after all.

- she would constanlty tell me that she would find another man that could give her oral sex.

- she withdrew all sexual activity from me (she would deliberately let me pleasure her but then just go to sleep)

Again just so am not mistaken here but the above are not normal ? They are symbolic of a deeply disturbed BPD ?

My mind is so tangled right now due to the years of abuse its hard to know what normal is.

Oh just remember another too

- she told me that she has a sex tape of her with another guy (before she met me and that she still has it)

Again everything to try to get inside my head.

I have now completely lost any sexual instinct and have become to associate sex with failure or conflict. 

[sad but wiser]

Dear Cooper,
   That's horrible!  She is a very, very sick woman and it sounds like she used you to "get off" by doing just about every cruel thing a woman could possibly do to screw a man up sexually.
It sounds intentional.  I know it is hard to believe anyone could be so evil... .but they can.
   You are still a man, no matter what she said.  And you will rise up from this once you heal.
I think you should really consider counseling.  Build trust with a good counselor who can help you piece yourself together.  On an emotional level, you have been through a war... .and you weren't wearing armor because she was supposed to be on your side.  It was dishonorable of her.

[CooperD]

Thanks sad but wiser,

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning and am going to ask for a referral to therapy.  I need help getting myself back together and also helping me understand what has happened - to turn one of the most beautiful things of any relationship - loving sex - into a weapon of abuse and conflict is probably one of the most damaging things she has done to me.  As i have lost all my  sexual libido and interest due to her instilling in me that I am a failure and cant satisfy a partner. 

[sad but wiser]

Good that you will ask for a therapist!  Let us know how the therapy is going and keep walking toward a healthy mind.  It is hard to recover, but I am sure you will.

[One key]

It certainly looks like this behaviour has to do with BPD.
It for sure is not normal.
Beyond doubt it will leave a mark on you.
It would be more bizar when it would not let a mark.

Try to find the balance back by comparing it to other sexual experiences you had before her.

You seem to know very well what went wrong and now identify experiences that retrospectively should have been red flags.

That is good starting point for repair of yourself.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Ughhhh.  Reading this post was like  punch in the soul. 

I'm really sorry for your experience and the wounds it must have left you with.

My own ex went in a bit more twisted direction- she was very kinky and liked to be in charge.  I'm pretty open to trying new stuff and pushing boundaries, plus the sex was phenomenal so I went along with a lot of what she wanted.

In retrospect, I'm only beginning to see the psychological and psychosexual scars that this relationship left me with as our sex life increasingly became about degradation and contempt.  Looking back, I realize how deep someone armed with a psych degree and a pwBPD's ability to dig into their partner's sexual psyche can get into your head and mess things up.

I wasn't 'normal' before, but now I'm really struggling to feel like even my sexual identity is my own. 

I try to hold in my head that this person was acting out their own traumas and probably I was a conveient target to act out a lot of anger she had towards men in general, but it's hard not to hold anger in my heart at what she did, and even harder not to hate myself for being an enthusiastic participant in her doing it.

Good vibes and healing light to everyone who's struggling with stuff like this.

[icky]

. good on you for talking about this stuff - putting it into words and sharing it. that is one big step to getting it out of your soul. what she did is really damaged and damaging. i can't help but think that someone who would use sex/ sexuality as such an intense weapon must (?) have had sexuality used against them like that at some point, possibly when they were way too young? her behaviour is very pathological - please don't think that any of it is normal/ healthy. i think by identifying it and verbalising her behaviour you're on the right track to distancing yourself from it

[CooperD]

Thanks for your input guys

'Hmmm' she never disclosed to me about any sexual abuse prior to meeting me and if she had i'm sure she would have told me - as she told me in great detail about every other incident in which she had been made a victim.

I think (at least from my experience) sexual degradation, depriving sex and criticising my performance were just tools in her arsenal to control me and destroy my sense of self-worth. She did a great job at it as I have lost almost all of my confidence and self-esteem.

[DazedandConfus3d]

I think (at least from my experience) sexual degradation, depriving sex and criticising my performance were just tools in her arsenal to control me and destroy my sense of self-worth. She did a great job at it as I have lost almost all of my confidence and self-esteem.

I've read several places that sex for pwBPD is at least as much about control and ensuring they aren't 'abandoned' as it is about their own sexual pleasure.  Or maybe their sexual pleasure comes more from control than the act itself.  My ex certainly got off on control to a very unhealthy degree- and not just in bed; she'd try to get me to steal things- like we're walking along and someone's left their bike unlocked, she'd be like 'hey want a bike?' My response was always- I'm not down to take someone's ride or something like that.  One time she did get me to steal someone's water bottle by pointing out their tooled leather saddlebags, and every time she saw that water bottle after that she giggled the same way she did when she got turned on.

Food for thought.

[CooperD]

Dazedandconfus3d I think you make a very good point regarding sex being more about control than pleasure itself.

As the cloud slowly lifts from me I see so many things in a new light.

For example my BPD would demand i perform oral sex on her which i would do for ages and ages and im talking over an hour each time and even longer.

She would just lie there with her eyes shut and make no noise or form of communication.  Once the splitting had started and she had painted me black she would also never orgasm. 

When we first started she said I was the best and my technique was perfect yet as soon as I was split i could do nothing to pleasure her sexually.  It was as if in hindsight that she deliberately and mentally did not want to orgasm so that she could then blame for me being a failure and not satisfying her.

I hope that doesnt sound too paranoid but it was so so weird how she would just lie with her eyes shut silent and then just stop me after an hour and then criticise me.  She would even score me on a 0-10 scale of how good or bad I was. Now i see how abusive that is - telling your partner where you scored 0-10 to put pressure on them / make them anxious and turn sex not into something love but something related to conflict and power.  Evil and twisted is all i can describe it as.

There was once when I was visitng her in the US where I was anxious about missing a flight - i was dependent on her giving me a lift and she pretty much forced me to perform oral sex on her or else she wouldn't take me to the airport and the relationship would be over.  In hindsight I could have got a taxi / told her NO but in the middle of that tornado I just wanted to keep her calm.

[DazedandConfus3d]

Cooper, dude I'm so sorry.

Being scored like that - just awful man. 

I think a lot of people on this board will share that sensation of 'these things only started making sense waaaaay later' - and TBH even having those ah-ha! moments don't really help the hurt, do they?

We all find our path to healing differently, but it may be helpful to remind yourself that those mean things she said, those messed up controlling things she did, those all arose out of her deep fears that you would leave. 

Telling you those things, making you feel that way- can you imagine a better way to make sure you don't feel good enough about yourself to leave her? Or to pursue other women?

She didn't say those things because they were true, she said them because they got her what she wanted.

Remember- the person she told you that you are IS NOT you, its who she wanted you to think you were so she'd keep being in control. 

Good luck in reclaiming yourself, brother! 

[michel71]

Gosh my friend you have been sexually abused by this woman. Sounds like a sadist. They are out there you know. My soon to be ex BPD went down a path with me sexually that I was not comfortable with. She called me "vanilla" and made fun of me but she also said that because I did not want to do those things it made her feel dirty and disgusting. Like the rest of the relationship, everything was always my fault. Your situation was much worse.
And she flew 5k miles to serve you with divorce papers? Now that is a truly terrible person (sorry to be so judgmental) because she just wanted to see the look on your face. Again, sadist. Sounds evil, sorry.
Why did you two live apart?

[CooperD]

Thanks guys - your responses and shock at some of this stuff does reassure me that its not my fault but her for being sadistic.

Yes Michel she flew 5,000 miles to serve me the papers and then flew back to the US the day after and has cut me dead since she went back (blocked myself and my parents from everything).  She lied to me and told me she was coming for a few weeks to work on our marriage.  She also sent me a screenshot of her booking flights for 2-3 weeks on the basis of which I planned a trip to Italy for us. We should have been in Rome today.

Within an hour she had me open a bottle of champagne to celebrate her being here and after her 4th glass and with a big smile on her face she told me she had filed for divorce.  She then left and flew back to the US. 

The cutting me dead now after 4-5 years of being together is the worst pain I have ever experienced and she even said to me last weekend before she left "i can see you are distraught ".  I should expect no better given the sexual sadism as she is now probably loving that I am in such mental pain.

Michel she  moved to live in the UK last december after we had got maried in the US.  I paid a priority visa for her costing approximately 3k US dollars. She lasted 3 months here during which I paid for everything/worked 6 day weeks and put up with almost daily abuse (I will post the full list of things she did to me at some point).  She was also offered multiple jobs here but turned everyone down because they were not paying enough (which was not true - but still I supported her).  She bascially decided she was going to go back to the US for 4-5 months work there, clear some debt and then return to the UK.  I accepted what she said and she left.  We remained in contact and saw each other a few times in between (full of conflict - including me being punched three times in the face in disneyworld and her threatening to falsley accuse me of raping her).  And roll up last weekend and the divorce papers.

I am going to have to incorporate sexual counselling into my upcoming sessions with a counsellor too  as if I am honest I feel afraid of women now.

She really has gotten well and truly inside my head and I am struggling to get her out.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Cooper,
The struggle is very very real.  I moved far away and have been no contact for over a year, but I catch myself triggered by the oddest things, a car driving up, the sound of a door suddenly opening... .they were signals to my subconscious that abuse was coming in some form.
  Sexually, this was all about control, akin to rape.    Yes, it is incredibly twisted to use a person in this way and then call it love.  I know something about love, and that isn't it.  Witholding is equally bad.  Sleeping with the enemy.
  I am sure you are really good in bed.  Half of being good is caring about the other person's pleasure, and you obviously do.

[GoingBack2OC]

Cooper,

First, sorry to hear your story and what youre having to go through. Its amazing how these relationships literally warp our own selves... .I look back on who I was before her... .wow.

I can say without a doubt my ex went for maximum "damage" when it came to how she dumped me. Im talking planned, for months.

She even went so far as to tell me things I didnt need to know, and honestly, serve no purpose but to harm my psyche and state of well being / ability to heal.

- After I found out she cheated, not the whole story, but that she hooked up, she finished the conversation berrating me, and being so kind to let me know how lonely she felt when i had to leave on trips for business. She informed me it was during those times that yes, she had men, in our bed, in my home, where she had lived at that time. Years ago. That once, her ex before me visited for 2 days, while I was away, and they had quite a good time. Nice of her right?

- After she told me she hooked up, we actually did meet, here at my place, I guess for closure. It was a giant coc$ tease event. She stripped down, got into bed with me, and basically toyed with me, when all I wanted was to talk.

After seeing I was upset, she was so kind as to tell me details of the guy she found, he doesnt last long (sorry girl for taking too long ) saying "hes really quick". Then she says she thinks I need to date other people. But she doesnt want to hear about it when we talk. Ummmm ok

- When she was leaving, I kind of tried to be a humble guy, and said a few things like dont sell yourself short, dont settle in life. Etc. she responded, Im old, of course Im settling. Ummmm ok

I think they just really try to project their own pain onto you, to make sure you are going to hurt too. The fact she told me she had sex in my bed, years ago, is haunting.

Now, my ex, is a pathological liar.  I mean, if you know her... .you have been lied to. Period. She lies to everyone.

So did it happen, the ex, in my bed?  I try not to think about it, and honestly, the truth... .there is no truth.

Cheers

[DazedandConfus3d]

Goingback,

So sorry you had someone like that in your life

I think that kind of cruelty is intrinsic to many folks with BPD.

My ex had this phrase that, in the aftermath of our relationship, I've come to realize was her way of messing with my head:

'Oh, is THAT the reason?' - this was deployed in circumstances where after the breakup, when I went back and thought about things, was her way of telling me that what I thought was happening wasn't really what was going on at all.

She totally got off on me being clueless because I (foolishly) trusted her, and then putting it right out there in my face without me realizing it. 

As to whether or not what she told you happened actually happened- is that really the point? She told you these things to hurt you, to tear you down, to break your self confidence so that when she wants you again, you're there.

Regardless of if they happened or not, dwelling on them is what she wants.  The healthier thing is to look not at the content of what she said, but the intent and the person behind it.

The kind of person who would say that, who would deliberately mess with you in that way- how do you feel about that person? Where do you want them in your life?

It's really hard to let go of the hurt and betrayal and humilitation, but dwelling on if it was real or not is only going to trap you where she meant to put you.

[apollotech]

I think (at least from my experience) sexual degradation, depriving sex and criticising my performance were just tools in her arsenal to control me and destroy my sense of self-worth. She did a great job at it as I have lost almost all of my confidence and self-esteem.

CooperD,

That ^^^^ is certainly all a possibility. That form of control would allow her to avoid intimacy, thereby, avoiding possible Engulfment issues. If your ex does indeed have BPD, there is a disordered reason for the madness that she inflicted upon you. Take care of yourself!

[Fr4nz]

Cooper,

man, first let me just say that what your ex-wife did to you is simply unacceptable and horrible... .that's plain abuse.
Maybe there's something more than BPD there... .I mean, I see some evilness: perhaps she has some ASPD or NPD traits? That's worth a look... .

Anyway, when you said:

When we first started she said I was the best and my technique was perfect yet as soon as I was split i could do nothing to pleasure her sexually.  It was as if in hindsight that she deliberately and mentally did not want to orgasm so that she could then blame for me being a failure and not satisfying her.

you made me think... .because after one year of r/s I saw a marked deterioration of our sex lives -- her libido, somehow, started to decrease more and more -- while she upped the rage and fights at the same time, as well as slightly blaming me for her lack of passion in sex.

While I see the pattern I described above as common in many relationships with BPD sufferers, the abuse you've endured is, in my opinion, quite nasty... .if not evil.

Don't worry, this thing will pass... .your ex-wife cannot define you as a man, while her horrible actions defined her as a profoundly disturbed, horrible woman.

A big hug

[lovenature]

Hey Coop

Think of how you were constantly walking on eggshells and trying to make sense of the senseless, continually worrying about what was next and fearing not doing the "right" thing for your partner; not only does that affect your sex life, but I'm sure you had your share of other health problems from being in a BPD relationship? I know it took a significant toll on my health in general.

[CooperD]

Thanks guys,

'Lovenature" - yeah your completely right I was walking on eggshells pretty much 90% of the time when we were physically together and even when we were in the distance I would know that I would be met with a flurry of angry messages as soon as she woke up / or she would leave me nasty messages so I would wake up to them in the morning.  I have about the last 6 months covered in chat logs (retained in a whatsapp conversation) and trying to find one nice word from her is near impossible. 

It has impacted on my health considerably - physically I have started to go grey (not sure if that is a coincidence),  I have problems sleeping, really bad pangs of anxiety and panic.  Every morning since she left back for the US I have woken up in the morning thinking ablut her and feelkng extremely anxious (chest beating fast and sweating).

I can't imagine the next time I have sex with a woman as right now my BPD has tried her very best to condition me to hate sex due to the fact she judged me a failure and for years just chipped away at me on it. Scoring me 0-10 /  telling me she would find another man / telling me she would buy a sexy toy to replace me / threatening to report me for rape / telling one of my friends I don't like sex / saying she didnt orgasm with me for 3 years.  I know how abusive those things are and I can say thats her BPD but those scars have still been created.

Fr4nz I would say her behaviour over the years does show signs of NPD from what I have read.  The irony and again complete projection but towards the end she even started caling me "teddy" and that I was just like "Ted Bundy" !  She knows what I do for work etc and so again using something like that at such an extreme level to try to get inside of my head.

[CooperD]

Just another thing i remember regarding the BPD and sex - dont know if anyone experienced this.

There were so many times in bed when I was at the side of her and she would just randomly start masturbating herself. Then when I tried to initiate any kind of intimacy with her she would tell me to stay on my side of the bed and she would just continue as if I wasnt there.

Again in the context of our relationship it was such an abusive weapon.  It was like she wanted to prevent me trying to give her pleasure, or that she wanted to show me she didnt need me, or she wanted to make me feel useless that she could only satisfy herself or that she wanted to deprive me of pleasure.

[apollotech]

Just another thing i remember regarding the BPD and sex - dont know if anyone experienced this.

There were so many times in bed when I was at the side of her and she would just randomly start masturbating herself. Then when I tried to initiate any kind of intimacy with her she would tell me to stay on my side of the bed and she would just continue as if I wasnt there.

Again in the context of our relationship it was such an abusive weapon.  It was like she wanted to prevent me trying to give her pleasure, or that she wanted to show me she didnt need me, or she wanted to make me feel useless that she could only satisfy herself or that she wanted to deprive me of pleasure.

CooperD,

That sounds like intimacy avoidance. Look at what you wrote above---when you tried to begin an intimate exchange. Her putting you off had nothing to do with you. There are reasons/methods behind the BPD madness; all it takes is the correct trigger to set them off.

[michel71]

 CooperD. My therapist told me that mine might have tendencies of a sociopath. Since our stories are similar have you considered that?

[sad but wiser]

I am guessing she shamed/blamed you with sex because it is important to you.  If you were a musician, she may well have hijacked that.  Those close connected moments, when you could tell her anything, and did, were a path to control later.