what is abandonment?

[bus boy]

I have come a long way in recovering from emotional abuse. My ex BPD wife was extremely emotionally abusive, very high functioning and manuplating. Xw left me 10 years ago. We continued a sexual r/s up until a year and  half ago, when she started dating another man, who she is still with. I'm way past the why's, I have emotionally detached and haven't felt better in years. I am confused about abandonment. I was always there for xw, a good husband, always there for her after she left, an exemplary  father to my son. Xw drove me away from her, always told me I didn't know how to look after her, said the most horrable abusive things about my family all the time, always tried to cause conflict between my family and I, the harder it tried to show xw I was there, the more she told me I wasn't there for her. Bpd/npd's have abandonment  fears why did she leave me and push me away? Not that I care anymore, xw means less than nothing to me but if they have abandonment fears why leave someone who loved them, make them feel like trash and start a r/s and future with someone else.

[SoMadSoSad]

Are any new emotions showing up that makes you wonder about this question? Are you sure your true feelings are of indifference? Just keep in mind it doesnt help to deny or downplay feelings.

[FallBack!Monster]

Are any new emotions showing up that makes you wonder about this question? Are you sure your true feelings are of indifference? Just keep in mind it doesnt help to deny or downplay feelings.

Abandonment is when someone deserts another without regards/ don't care about the abandoned well-being. Like parents abandoned their little children for hours without regards. Or days or indefinitely. Spouses leave their families and never look back. Don't care how they doing. Besides the definition. Lol
But my ex didn't abandoned me. He just left. Is different. That's why they call him Kels. Lol

[stimpy]

pwBPD suffer both from engulfment fears (loss of self) and abandonment fears (replay of childhood trauma).

As you get closer to them emotionally, treat them well and are considerate, committed and loving towards them, one of those two fears can be triggered. So fear kicks in, either fear of loss of self, or fear that the person who loves them will leave them (replay of childhood trauma), and to avoid that impending pain, they will push you away, maybe even end the relationship. They have become dysregulated and cannot control their emotions. Feelings = facts.

Also, them having to leave you, will be your fault. so you get blamed... .somehow... .

As they come back to normality, they realise they miss you and so try and pull you back.

And the push / pull cycle starts.

[bus boy]

Hi SoMadSoSad, I can assure you I have no denial or down played feelings for my xw. I read something today and abandonment was talked about in brief and it raised the question in my mind, why they fear it but still leave there partners who show unconditional love to them.

[heartandwhole]

Hi bus boy,

I think there are as many reasons for abandonment as stars in the sky, but I think I understand what your question is addressing. It doesn't make sense to leave someone who is absolutely there for you and doing his/her best to make you feel loved, right?

In my understanding, though, it is precisely that fear of abandonment that causes many with BPD to abandon their partners. Think about it, if you are really, really afraid of someone leaving you—so much so that it triggers survival/defense strategies—just one iota of an idea that that abandonment might be on the horizon (it has to be, given the way pwBPD is treating you, right?) would evoke a response of abandoning first, so as not to have to experience the excruciating pain (and shame/emptiness) of being left. PwBPD can be so convinced that abandonment is coming (feelings=facts), that he/she has to react to avoid it. Thus, the push, push, push. I can imagine it would be an especially hard push the more pwBPD has depended on his/her partner, because the closer the two of you are, and the bigger the need felt by pwBPD, the more it will hurt when you inevitably leave her.

There are often many other factors at play, like engulfment fears, co-morbidity with other PDs, mood disorder, addictions, etc., but I wanted to highlight one kind of scenario that happen in these kinds of relationships, based in my experience.

heartandwhole

[bus boy]

Hi Heartandwhole, that's what I was wondering about.

[Rayban]

busboy,

We're you the one who ended the sexual r/s? Or was it her?

It's not uncommon for a BPD to keep exes and other "friends " on standby. Sex in such cases is used to keep them around.  I think they like the feeling of having backups, in case the main relationship doesn't work out. At the same time if people choose to still be involved, then the BPD person doesn't feel abandoned, and doesn't have to deal with engulfment fears.

[Herodias]

It does seem ridiculous that they fear abandonment and then run off and abandon us... .leaving us with abandonment issues... .That's really screwed up.

[bus boy]

Hi Rayban, it was bound to end. I was starting to jump the traces, Xw was not going to stand for that. My T told me very bluntly I had to push the court order and stop any sexual r/s or I would never move forward. I started pushing and Xw cut me off at the knees. Xw was cold hearted and ruthless and I thought I was going to die from emotional pain. Today I see it was the best thing to happen to me. I do believe was with other people in between times she was not talking to me, than out of the blue she would call and we would be having sex all over again. She hung on to me until she found the right person she could manuplate. The last time I pushed hard she all ready had her right man lined up and I was gone.

[once removed]

great question bus boy.

in The Journey from Abandonment to Healing which i highly recommend, Susan Anderson writes a preface called "What is Abandonment?". she states that it means different things to different people. "sometimes it is lingering grief caused by old losses. sometimes it is fear. sometimes it can be an invisible barrier holding us back from forming relationships, from reaching our true potential. it sometimes takes the form of self sabotage."

she lists the following, though not limited to, forms of abandonment:

"A feeling
A feeling of isolation within a relationship
An intense feeling of devastation when a relationship ends
An aloneness not by choice
An experience from childhood
A baby left on the doorstep
A divorce
A woman left by her husband of twenty years for another woman
A man being left by his fiancee for someone "more successful"
A mother leaving her children
A father leaving his children
A friend feeling deserted by a friend
A child whose pet dies
A little girl grieving over the death of her mother
A little boy wanting his mommy to come pick him up from nursery school
A child who feels replaced by the birth of another sibling
A child feeling restless due to his parents emotional unavailability
A boy realizing that he is gay and anticipating the reaction of his parents and friends
A teenager feeling her heart is actually broken
A teenage boy afraid to approach the girl he loves
A woman who has raised now-grown children, feeling empty, as if she has been deserted
A child stricken with a serious illness watching his friends play while he is confined to a wheelchair or bed
A woman who has lost her job and with it her professional identity, financial security, and status
A man who has been put out to pasture by his company, as if he is obsolete
A dying woman who fears being abandoned by loved ones as much or more than she fears pain and death"

so as you can see, not only is it a personal and individual feeling, but the core fears of abandonment and engulfment are hardwired into all of us - not limited to someone with BPD.

to your question, fears are generally long standing, and depending on the extent of them, we can form our lives, consciously or unconsciously in an effort to avoid our fears, often in dysfunctional ways. in this case the fear of abandonment, real or perceived, is extreme, as are the dysfunctional coping mechanisms. from that perspective, abandoning someone before they can abandon you may be a (dysfunctional) method of avoiding the fear of abandonment.

[lovenature]

A PWBPD needs an attachment to feel "whole" and exist, once they become too close with their attachment they fear engulfment and loosing themselves along with their partner (attachment)  seeing who they really are and then abandoning them. The "borderline" of engulfment and abandonment is always moving depending on their emotion of the moment.
Saddest thing is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away; they cause their greatest fear to become reality time and time again through their behaviour caused by their disorder.

[apollotech]

A PWBPD needs an attachment to feel "whole" and exist, once they become too close with their attachment they fear engulfment and loosing themselves along with their partner (attachment)  seeing who they really are and then abandoning them. The "borderline" of engulfment and abandonment is always moving depending on their emotion of the moment.
Saddest thing is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away; they cause their greatest fear to become reality time and time again through their behaviour caused by their disorder.

This ^^^ is the way that I too understand the cycle. Fear of Abandonment brings them closer; whereas, Engulfment drives them away. You have to understand/view the cycle/behavior from their perspective and ignore the dictionary definition of the word "abandonment." Yes, you may have been "abandoned," but it wasn't due to Fear of Abandonment on behalf of the person with BPD. The abandonment was because you were "too" close. That scenario is repeated over and over again on these boards---just when everything seems to be at its best, he/she (the BPDer) leaves or pushes the SO away--after vacations, engagements, moving in together, marriage, birth of a child, etc.

[jasmine-1234]

Saddest thing is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away; they cause their greatest fear to become reality time and time again through their behaviour caused by their disorder.

Yes so well said. I think that is the root of a lot of sadness, at least for me and many people here. 

[FallBack!Monster]

pwBPD suffer both from engulfment fears (loss of self) and abandonment fears (replay of childhood trauma).

As you get closer to them emotionally, treat them well and are considerate, committed and loving towards them, one of those two fears can be triggered. So fear kicks in, either fear of loss of self, or fear that the person who loves them will leave them (replay of childhood trauma), and to avoid that impending pain, they will push you away, maybe even end the relationship. They have become dysregulated and cannot control their emotions. Feelings = facts.

Also, them having to leave you, will be your fault. so you get blamed... .somehow... .
As they come back to normality, they realise they miss you and so try and pull you back.
And the push / pull cycle starts.

This... . 

[Moselle]

why leave someone who loved them, make them feel like trash and start a r/s and future with someone else.

Because they are not looking for love. They are looking for control and intensity. That is the BPD form of love.

They need two things in a relationship to survive as a fully blown Borderline:

1. Someone who will share or at least take on the intense emotions they experience. Whether by projection or other way.

2. Someone will stay when they start pushing and pulling.

Someone will only put up with this type of stuff, because they feel it's their calling or mission to help rescue or fix the BPD

Any deviation from these needs, and a Borderline will be looking for a replacement who will meet them. They keep backups just in case.