Has anyone ever REALLY made it work?

[NewStart]

Has anyone ever REALLY made it work in a way that adds love and value to their own life with their pwBPD?

I see advice out here, "tools", whatever and I feel like I've tried so hard... .and my uBPD/NPDw hates my guts. Everyday it's something new, it can be the way I breath, for real!

So can you really break through that? Tell me your story if you made it work... .or I guess if you didn't too.

Have to say reading here put me back in waffling mode on staying or leaving... .this is getting ridiculous... .

NS

[Warcleods]

Making it work.  You can't make anything work if both parties aren't on the same page and/or don't have solid conflict resolution skills.  Just take a look at our government.  In my case, I made it work by leaving and ending the relationship (probably not what you wanted to hear).  It became about making it work for me and not trying to maintain a sense of normalcy that was in reality, very abnormal.  I accepted that I would morn, it would be a process and I would be plagued with temptation to return to the relationship to ease my pain only to have the same things happen over and over.  Your emotions are telling you something, you are ignoring them and taking the path of least resistance at this point.  I did the same thing by ignoring my own emotions and discarding them to try to appease someone else.  If you continue to do this, you will eventually break but that is going to come at great costs to your psychological and physical health.  Sometimes the right decision isn't always the easiest decision.

[NewStart]

Warcleods,

I have to say you've very eloquently related how I'm feeling right now... .conflicted, but probably for all the wrong reasons.  Seeing hope where there really is none... .believing the mask I see when we are with other people, then living with the mask off at home.  Constantly being asked to give more of myself only to be told that it's just not enough.  Constantly under threat by someone who my gut instinct tells me is very adept at getting for herself without remorse... .which means in divorce I will get financially destroyed.

I related this to someone else the other day... .that I have to drive into work on my conflicted days and go step by step through all the things she has said and done to remind myself what a truly cruel, calculating and disregulated woman I am with.

And then, there is the fear that we all have... .what if it works out for them with the next one?  What if it was something I was doing and the picture she is painting of me to others, though patently false, sticks because everything finally works out for her after we get divorced?

Struggling today... .

NS

[Warcleods]

I am struggling too my friend.

I really don't like labeling my ex as having BPD for 2 reasons.  She was never clinically diagnosed and I will never know for certain whether she actually has it or not.  The only thing that matters to me at this point is how poorly I felt for prolonged periods of time during the relationship.  I am keeping those emotions as a constant reminder that this was not good for me.

I never lived with this person, don't have kids with her and had a relatively short history with her in comparison to others on here.  However, I believe the emotional pain I am suffering is just as powerful as anyone elses. 

I am no saint in the demise of our relationship.  I displayed insecurities that I've lived with for a long time and probably didn't handle certain situations as optimally as I could have.  I recognize those insecurities and am finding ways to combat the uncomfortable feelings that enable them to continue.  But what I will say is that I bent over backwards for this woman, was there for her ALL of the time, showed her things that she never experienced in her life.  She loved it all (according to her) but she would always tell me that there is was "something," holding her back from giving me her all.  In retrospect, that something wasn't me, it was herself.

In case you are interested, here is what I was dealing with:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=300819.0

 

[Lucky Jim]

What if it was something I was doing

Hey NS, Don't beat yourself up!  No, you didn't cause her disorder.  No, you can't cure it for her.  Suggest you try to focus on the things within your control, the things you can change, and try to block out the rest as beyond your control and power to change.  What I'm suggesting is for you to figure out what is the best path for YOU.  I suspect you know deep down that it was nothing that you did.

LuckyJim

[NewStart]

Warcleods,

Thanks for the support and did read a bit of your story too and it's much like so many here, confusion and this idea that there must be something we can do to change the tide... .but in the end you can't change nature, nature is a force that can not be contained.

LJ,

Yeah, not trying to beat myself up, but it's funny how I get strong and gain resolve and always turn back at the last moment because of the 'What if's"... .because the path to  disconnection is the harder of the two... .though at this point I can be somewhat it control of how that split looks... .and if I wait I may not have control of how that goes down at all.

If I boil it all down to the finest remaining partical... .it is fact that what she does to me and how she treats me does not make me feel good... .it acutally feels extreemly devaluing... .so really, somehow MY actions can change HER inate behaviors?

NS

[Warcleods]

People are capable of change, however, saying and doing are two different things.  There comes a point when words start to fall on deaf ears in the absence of action.  With her, we had a very minor spat last week which was the transformation for me.  The relationship was never tumultuous, dangerous, abusive (physically or psychologically), it just became very unfulfilling for me as I continued to take on the role of her daddy.  I accept that she probably never loved me, not because I am unlovable, but because under the facade of perfectness, lay an extremely broken and empty soul (her words not mine).

NS, this is not something I or anyone else can fix and at this point, she can either wallow in her sorrow for the rest of her life or find the next chump to play daddy.  I highly suspect the latter in this case.