I believed that I was at fault for everything...

[PFCI]

For a long time, I believed everything my wife said, that I had a terrible memory, that I was at fault for everything.  

Then I found this site, discovered my wife is BPD, and about gaslighting, etc.

Turns out she'd been doing that to me for years.  But now I know to trust myself and my own memory.

Problem is, she still gaslights me.  But I know she is wrong.  But if I say so, it's a fight.  If I don't and apologise for something I know I didn't do, that gives her encouragement?  So what to do?

Last time, I just out and out refused to accept the blame, and repeatedly stated that I didn't do what she was accusing me of.  She was already angry about something else anyway, so I don't really know what the effect was.  But I broke the 'don't JADE' rule in the process.  

So what's best to do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SweetCharlotte]

Welcome... .I believe you are on the right track, because you're aware of gaslighting and of JADE.

The problem doesn't go away just because you're now aware of how it works.

Do you know about disengaging with love? You remove yourself from the room, or even from the premises, saying that you will come back when things are calmer. If she asks why, it's because you cannot have this conversation right now. Why? Because you are not able to.

[ArleighBurke]

Often a BPD remembers the FEELING of the moment, then recreates the "facts" to match that feeling.

eg You are her were at a club together a long time back. You moved away from her and chatted to someone else at the bar for a few minutes. During that time, she felt "abandoned". Today she is thinking back to that night. She remembers that feeling, but not what caused it. Her brain says "I felt abandoned - what could have caused that?" and it supplies her with "facts" that seem to fit but may be completely untrue!

Solution: ignore her facts. Focus on the feeling.
Her: I remember when you ditched me at the club and left without me. (Her "facts" to justify feeling abandoned)
You: I'm sorry (you felt that way). That must have felt horrible - to FEEL LIKE your partner abandoned you.

If she (like my wife) tries to pin you down, try to stay focussed on the feeling:
Her: Why did you do that? That was such a hateful thing to do.
You: I can see you still feel very upset by it. It must be draining to carry around that pain.

If she won't let it go, use SET and try to redirect:
Her: You were such a prick.
You: Wife, I am sorry about whatever happenned. I can see it affected you alot. But I remember that night differently. I remember only leaving you for 2 minutes while I went to the bar. Either way, I don't want to discuss it any more. I can see you feel hurt - is there something we can do together NOW that would help us feel better?

Hopefully she will more forward. If she tries to drag it back up:
You: I don't want to discuss this. I'm going to go <grab a drink> <go to the toilet> <work out>. I'll see you again <in a few minutes> <at dinner>.

[Lockjaw]

How do you disengage with love and not trigger their abandonment issues? My GF does the gaslighting for sure, she can make it ok for her to do anything that I don't like, even things she gets upset at me for doing. And she gets mad if I disengage, or "ignore" her.

[Hmcbart]

I had the same problem with gas lighting.  For years I would get told that I did or said X. I wouldn't really remember because it wasn't a big deal to me at the time.  Also when she would tell me these things I would pretty much assume she was correct because it sounded like something I would say.

It took me a lot of years to finally figure out that what I remember and what she remembers are completely different most of the time.  I started taking notes.  Any time something happened that made her upset I would write it down. Mostly to help me remember what happened because I had learned it would be coming back up sooner or later. 

The first time I pulled out my notes to clarify something I was told I said abd did it was like seeing things for the first time for me.  It didn't change her feelings nor the fact that she was upset.  It did however shut down a lot, about  75%, of the gas lighting. 

I even pulled out my notes to clarify something during a therapy season with her once.  It may have been invalidating to her but it helped me stop a lot of my having to accept blame for something I didn't do or say.  I currently have over 1200 pages of notes on my phone (with multiple back ups for safety).

[ArleighBurke]

How do you disengage with love and not trigger their abandonment issues?

You state that YOU want a break (for YOU) - do not blame her.
And you tell her a definite time when you will be back.

"*I'm* feeling <overwhelmed><angry> and need to <take a break><get a drink><go to the toilet>. I'll come back <in 10mins><at dinner>. Let's continue this conversation when I get back."

[Lockjaw]

If I keep notes then I am accused of storing up ammo. I am telling ya, this woman has the most secure defense system known to man for coming up with a way to make everything I do wrong, and justify everything she does as ok.

Because after all, I had a journal on my EX wife. All this stuff she did or didn't do.

[ArleighBurke]

The issue of notes came up in a different thread recently.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298400

My comment was: try to understand WHY you want to journal... .
If it's to get "ammo", or "prove you are right" -> probably not a good thing.

Writing down all the bad stuff is useful if you are separating and need to be reminded WHY. Writing down all the bad stuff is NOT useful if you are trying to work on the relationship. But writing down bad conversations so that you can learn a better way to handle it, or to help you remember her triggers, is good for working on the relationship.