IEP meeting

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This week my DH had a rather interesting experience. A few weeks ago the special ed teacher from school sent an email that an IEP meeting is coming up and she had heard that he would prefer a seperate meeting from the regular meeting and when could she schedule that.

My DH was rather surprised as he had never requested a seperate meeting but we guessed that BPDxw told the school that he would not like to be in meetings with her. So DH responded: As far as I am concerned I don't need a seperate meeting and will be perfectly fine joining the regular meeting.
It so happened that the meeting happened at 11pm our time (we live overseas). So my husband joined over phone and was mentally ready to "be in the same room as BPDxw". Well turns out that apparently she had requested a seperate meeting and decided to not be part of this meeting. I am pretty sure that she just about exploded when she received the invitation from school listing my DH as a participant. In the past she has worked hard to conceal such meetings and keep my husband off the list. But his persistence in keeping in touch with teachers, the principle and reaching out to the special ed teacher has paid off and they know proactively invite him for meetings.

In addition to that when my DH mentioned to the special ed teacher and the school psychologist that his son has had OT and speech for the past 2 years outside of schoo, they were rather surprised and said they had no idea. So apparently once again this is an information that BPDxw has kept from the school. Over the past 4 yrs we have encountered this again and again that BPDxw only passes on bit and pieces of information to whomever and we usually then come in an supply the full set of documents.

Also for those who have read my post about my sons new behavioral therapist, we still have not heard back from her. We have reached out again to her. Some very strange things are going on. One of my SS mentioned recently that therpay has been cancelled the last two weeks. (this is a term that BPDxw likes to use for her purposes... she once told them school was cancelled when in truth she just wanted to pull them out that day as my DH was in town to visit them). So this continues to be interesting... .

[soundofmusicgirl]

This week my DH had a rather interesting experience. A few weeks ago the special ed teacher from school sent an email that an IEP meeting is coming up and she had heard that he would prefer a seperate meeting from the regular meeting and when could she schedule that.

My DH was rather surprised as he had never requested a seperate meeting but we guessed that BPDxw told the school that he would not like to be in meetings with her. So DH responded: As far as I am concerned I don't need a seperate meeting and will be perfectly fine joining the regular meeting.
It so happened that the meeting happened at 11pm our time (we live overseas). So my husband joined over phone and was mentally ready to "be in the same room as BPDxw". Well turns out that apparently she had requested a seperate meeting and decided to not be part of this meeting. I am pretty sure that she just about exploded when she received the invitation from school listing my DH as a participant. In the past she has worked hard to conceal such meetings and keep my husband off the list. But his persistence in keeping in touch with teachers, the principle and reaching out to the special ed teacher has paid off and they know proactively invite him for meetings.

In addition to that when my DH mentioned to the special ed teacher and the school psychologist that his son has had OT and speech for the past 2 years outside of schoo, they were rather surprised and said they had no idea. So apparently once again this is an information that BPDxw has kept from the school. Over the past 4 yrs we have encountered this again and again that BPDxw only passes on bit and pieces of information to whomever and we usually then come in an supply the full set of documents.

Also for those who have read my post about my sons new behavioral therapist, we still have not heard back from her. We have reached out again to her. Some very strange things are going on. One of my SS mentioned recently that therpay has been cancelled the last two weeks. (this is a term that BPDxw likes to use for her purposes... she once told them school was cancelled when in truth she just wanted to pull them out that day as my DH was in town to visit them). So this continues to be interesting... .

[livednlearned]

It's good that the special ed teacher is including your husband in the process. That's the right thing to do!

People with BPD tend to project their negative emotions onto others -- this allows them to preserve a sense of their own "goodness" while sorting through the negative experiences (they often create) safely from a distance. It can really bend your mind to see this happening. It's like they are performing multiple roles in their psyche at once. Part of her is abusing her child, part of her is protecting her child, and in order to make this psychologically possible, she has to project the abusive stuff onto your H in order to protect herself from admitting to the horror of doing bad things to her kids, things that she probably feels others do to (or did) to her. Talk about complicated.

Not that it excuses anything, only to try and make sense of it. I found the craziness of the behavior drained me and understanding some of the mechanics behind the bizarre projections neutralized it so that I could get down to the business of addressing it (without making it worse  )

SO's S17 has an IEP and is intellectually delayed (and deeply enmeshed with his mom), and like your situation, SO does not live in the same town as his son. He started doing this new thing where even when ex tries to have an IEP meeting without him, he will find something positive to say to her, like "Thanks for setting up that meeting, I know you're very busy with work." He used to write her to say, "Why aren't you including me in these emails" etc., and that was a brick wall. He started doing almost reverse psychology, and at first, it felt disingenuous to him. But now he no longer cares because she has, for the first time, started to show signs of cooperation. They are admittedly small changes. Even so, they are changes that pipe information his way, which is something she has worked hard to block.





 

[DreamGirl]

I'm so glad that he's getting cooperation from the school.

I used to actually prefer separate meetings - only because my husband and the girls' mom were so contentious and she was so passive aggressive, it became about them and a contest who was the bad/better parent. Once they were able to get past that a little bit, they've become far better at sitting in the same room. 

Teachers are also becoming more and more accustomed to these kinds of arrangements and are pretty accommodating.

Allow the kids to be the focus.

Also, the pwBPD in our life is awful with paperwork so my husband has become really handy at taking care of that part of it (like records and so forth). So if he's being included in the entire process, it might be his way of making that kind of contribution where mom struggles. I mean it's hard to say that you aren't taking an active role... .when you are.