I used the bathroom. Any idvise?

[jrharvey]

Yesterday my GF called me while I was at work end of day. I happened to be in the office bathroom.

Me: Hey babe!
Her: Hey. What are you doing.
Me: Using the bathroom. (I wash my hands and walk out).
Her: Your really just using the bathroom?
Me: Yep
Her: What are you doing now? It doesn't sound like the bathroom.
Me: I just walked back into the office.
Her: Oh
Me: Whats up babe? Whats going on?
Her: Its weird that you are always in the bathroom when I call you. Why is it just coincidence like that?

I think to myself kinda stumped. I know I have never been in the bathroom when she called me before at the office. Sometimes she will call and I will walk out or go to the bathroom.

Me: I don't remember that ever happening but maybe. If I have to pee then that's what I will do.
Her: Yes you are. Your always in the bathroom when I call.
Me: Ok. No big deal. If I have to pee that's where I will go.
Her: Its just too much coincidence. Were you trying to not let someone know you were talking to me?
Me: Nope. I was already there when you called.
... .Long pause. No talking.
Me: Are you ok?
Her: Yeah Im ok. Why are you asking? Are you ok?
Me: Im fine. I feel like something is bothering you.
Her: No im ok. Did you do something wrong? Is that why you think I am bothered?

At this point I realize this took a wrong turn. She just baited me. Trying to lead me to JADE. A master bait and switch where she was the one poking until I reacted then switch to victim if I get upset. If I say nothing and just ignore or change subject blame will be put on me for avoiding so Im guilty. If I defend then I must be defending because I am guilty. I want to swarm her with 1 million questions but I know that will cause more problems and justify her question. Only thing I could think of... .

Me: No im just working. Im finishing up something then I am going to head home.
Her: Ok.

We said goodbye and I finished my work. I knew in her head things were brewing and she probably had all kinds of negative thoughts but nothing I can do about that. Im trying hard not to care so much. live a life of "whatever". Trying not to care what she thinks about me. Self validate rather than rely on her validation. I ended up going home and she was ok by then.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Sounds like you handled it ver well, all told. No excessive levels of JADEing on your part, and no full blowups on her part.

I do see one thing you did (twice) seemed to make things worse:

Her: Oh
Me: Whats up babe? Whats going on?

... .Long pause. No talking.
Me: Are you ok?

What do you think would be a better thing to do when she starts to get quiet like that?

[jrharvey]

Sounds like you handled it ver well, all told. No excessive levels of JADEing on your part, and no full blowups on her part.

I do see one thing you did (twice) seemed to make things worse:

Her: Oh
Me: Whats up babe? Whats going on?

... .Long pause. No talking.
Me: Are you ok?

What do you think would be a better thing to do when she starts to get quiet like that?

I should have just said... .Ok babe Im gonna finish up at work now. I should not have gone down the rabbit hole.

[Grey Kitty]

Thinking about those "awkward pauses" or periods where she sounds not quite happy about what you just said, but leaves it open for you to say anything or nothing... .

Your efforts there looked like probing--trying to get her feelings out, and that feels uncomfortable.

They were also fearful--I think you expected her to be about to launch into you with some sort of (unfounded) accusation, and the probes do sound a little fearful (not far from guilty!)

Would there be something validating you could ask her instead?

It isn't at all clear why she called in the first place--she didn't have anything specific to share with you or ask you about before she asked what you were up to.

Might be a good time for "So, what were you calling about?"

[jrharvey]

I don't think there is anything to validate in this case. I just need to be careful not to invalidate. She never really said why she called. It wasn't clear. That happens a lot.

This happened another night when she got very upset and there was an argument. I went to go vote. As I was leaving the building she called. She asked what I was doing and I told her I was leaving from voting. She acted shocked and insecure about that. She said its coincidence that I happen to be leaving when she calls. She said that was too weird. I wanted to laugh at that but I stayed calm and just said I was done so I left. She just couldn't let go of the fact it was weird and too much of a coincidence that I was leaving when she called. She asked if I really did just vote. I said yep.

As I was driving home I asked why she called and if she was feeling ok. She said of course I feel fine but if your asking me maybe you did something wrong? I wouldn't feel unhappy if you didn't do anything wrong. I said... "Your unhappy a lot when I haven't done anything wrong". I knew this was not going to be good at this point. She started saying that I always do something to make her unhappy and I should have probably brushed it off and said "if that's what you think" but I responded... ."You do a lot of things to make me unhappy too". She started listing all the things I do that make her unhappy. One by one each little comment was pretty hurtful. I started listing all the things she did that made me unhappy and pointing out her actions that upset me. She went on to do more with both of our voices sounding stressed and annoyed. Then I stopped it and said "I don't want to talk about this right now". I don't want to go around talking bad about each other. She started getting upset and saying I was mad and yelling at her but I was very calm with what I said. I just said... "No im not mad. I just don't want to go in circles talking bad about each other". She wouldn't stop. Raising her voice more and accusing me of being mad and starting something I replied back "I just don't want to talk about that". It went on and on and I replied the same thing over again and she kept pushing never saying that she wanted to stop putting each other down. I told her I was going to leave the house because I didn't want to argue about that. She went on all night texting me accusing me of getting mad and blowing up and leaving the house. I just told her I was holding a boundary and I didn't blow up. She continued to accuse me of blowing up and I replied "your allowed to think what you want".

When I eventually came home she sat on the couch continuing to talk about that pretty late while I tried to stay calm and watch the election. I tried to care as little as possible and just not be affected by the things she said. Eventually everything calmed down.

[Conundrum]

When the feelings of a partner w BPD infringe upon your basic human rights, such as freedom of movement--validating or invalidating is relatively meaningless, because the resultant control mechanism that is being routinely utilized is inherently abusive.

If a partner physically strikes you absent self-defense, ex post facto you are under no obligation to validate the feelings which resulted in physical abuse. "I understand you were feeling a little upset before clawing half my face off" just doesn't cut it in domestic relations."

The former is psychological abuse by attrition, drip, drip, drip, and the latter is physical abuse by battery. However, they both demonstrate abuse.

You seem to be doing your earnest best to manage abusive mechanics via tools. Yet, the underlying vibe I get from your posts is that the threat of her "acting out" at the slightest provocation is an ever present fear in your life. Life with a pwBPD does not have to be that way. The reason for the "Groundhog Day" effect is because your partner is unprogressive and because... .

One doesn't manage abuse. One STOPS abuse.

Rule #1-- My movements are not subject to monitoring.

You know those silly adhesive name tags which are always employed at business/work conventions.

Get yourself one--write that motto down and wear it around the house until the substance of those words and your being become one.

END the Abuse. It can be done. All things change. I wish you greater peace. 
 

[Meili]

Good job on not escalating the situation!

I'm wondering though, could you have validated her feelings a bit in this exchange?

Her: Its weird that you are always in the bathroom when I call you. Why is it just coincidence like that?
Me: I don't remember that ever happening but maybe. If I have to pee then that's what I will do.
Her: Yes you are. Your always in the bathroom when I call.
Me: Ok. No big deal. If I have to pee that's where I will go.

The only part that I find invalidating is the "No big deal" comment. Although, I must admit that the questions did sound like baiting and you probably handled it really well with her.