Adult daughter - difficult relationship with for 30+ years.

[JS1953]

Hi. I have an adult dgt who I have had a difficult relationship with for 30+ years.  I came across The Essential Guide to BPD a couple weeks ago after yet another incidence of being verbally beat up and kicked out of my dgts life.

My first question is am I on the right message board for help with a relationship with an adult child vs a child who is still in the parental home?  

My second question is how do I post an introductory message as when I click on the box I don't seem to get to where I can post. Just a little overwhelm and confused I guess.  

Guidance please. Thx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

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What is the conflict all about?

[Mutt]

Hi JS1953,



I'd like to welcome you to BPD family. You're on the right board, the parenting board is for parents with a child with BPD traits. I'm glad that you decided to join our group, you're doing good so far, this is your introductory thread, here's an FAQ that you may find helpful

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=58954.0

It helps to talk to people that can relate with you, how did you find the essential guide, did something happen between your daughter and you that made you seek help?

[Bpd mother]

Hi JS1953 welcome
Those of us on this board have children with ages ranging from early teens to approaching middle age. We are always parents no matter what the age of our "children"
My daughter is 36 and is diagnosed with Bpd . I have also been kicked out of her life and it is so difficult.
People on here are very supportive and will not judge if you wish to share your story.

[Rockieplace]

My daughter is 34 and was diagnosed with BPD around 18 months ago. She hadn't been living in our home for many years - thank goodness!  If your daughter has BPD then you will definitely find these boards so helpful. I felt I was in a living nightmare when I first came here. My daughter has been in crisis for the past 18 months and is now in therapeutic residential care - hoorah! 

Reading the experiences of others on here together with studying the lessons on the left etc has helped me enormously in many ways. I came on here feeling totally alone and isolated. I now know that there are so many walking the same treacherous path. It has also helped to take the sting out of so much of my daughter's horrible behaviour both to me and others. I can be so much more empathetic and - very importantly for me - I no longer take it so personally. There are so many wonderful, supportive people on here who have helped me too. I hope you find it helpful too. Bog hugs. You are not alone!

[JS1953]

Thanks to all who replied. I am at wits end right now and don't really know where to begin. It is all so overwhelming. I came across Randi's book a few weeks ago after another big blow-up between myself and my 46 yo dgt in which I was again left feeling like I have been emotionally beaten to a pulp (these happen a few times a year for 30 years now and getting worse). This one occurred when I held a boundary that I had previously set with her and hung-up the phone when she ignored the boundary we had agreed on. In her 27 text screen rant to me afterword, she once again viciously attacked me as a mother and a person, scum of the earth type language. What was new in this particular incident was a statement she made that her counselor (not a PD specialist) told her that I was a narcissist. This threw me for a loop as I have never met or talked to her counselor. After I calmed down, I looked up traits of a narcissist. This did not describe me at all (checked it out with a few safe others and they confirm). In looking around for some help for myself, I came across BPD and Randi's book The Essential Family Guide to BPD which has opened my eyes to what both she and I have been ineffectively dealing with all these years. It was a God-send for helping me understand what we are dealing with here (and my part in it). Lastly, she told me several times in this most recent text to not call, write or in any other way contact her again and has blocked me from her phone. I just don't know where to go from here. I do not want to do anything to further damage our relationship. Mostly, I think I need support right now for my own sanity!
 

[qcarolr]

JS1953 - what are some things you do, or can do, to be especially kind with yourself? I call this "self-care strategies" for myself. The basics are food, sleep, sunshine, exercise, which I  easily can avoid when distressed. Do you have any close friends that understand your situation? A faith community? A personal counselor or therapist? I have read a lot of books, watched videos, etc (see sidebar) and that helped a lot in the beginning to accept the harsh reality of how difficult this is for both my D and myself. Then I had to step out of my isolation to connect with some good women at a new church who have been such a great support for me.

My BPDD (BPD daughter) is now 30 and has been in significant crisis the past 6 months. Our life has always been challenging from a very early age. She does not accept the BPD dx, or bipolar dx. She does know her depression and anxiety disorder are very real. She resists any kind of treatment -- she says "That is what friends and family are for".

My heart goes out to you.

qcarolr

[Amethyst64]

I am also dealing with a 39 yr old daughter who has shut me out of her life because I remarried and "abandoned" her. At times i feel guilty and at other times i can see past her accusations to the BPD. Its helpful to finally have a medical diagnosis of sorts.