How long before you were split white again?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am ware of this thread here and wanted to make a poll but didn't see how to do it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286099.10

My BPD gf/wife would usually return around the 2-3 month mark. We are nearly at the 4 month mark with no interaction whatsoever (i.e. Facebook, texts, phone calls, etc.) Am I split black for good?

I am hoping with Christmas around the corner she will break her no contact and at least start talking with me again. Has anyone on this board had to wait longer? I think I saw 8 months at one point but that seems too late for my situation to be of much help.

[rosesarered777]

I am ware of this thread here and wanted to make a poll but didn't see how to do it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=286099.10

My BPD gf/wife would usually return around the 2-3 month mark. We are nearly at the 4 month mark with no interaction whatsoever (i.e. Facebook, texts, phone calls, etc.) Am I split black for good?

I am hoping with Christmas around the corner she will break her no contact and at least start talking with me again. Has anyone on this board had to wait longer? I think I saw 8 months at one point but that seems too late for my situation to be of much help.

[rzr14]

rosesarered777
I'm not sure what could happen in your case, maybe someone here can give you more insight. Me and my ex know each other for a least 8 years. We were together for something like the first 3 years. Back then the recycles were not has bad has now. I say from what I remember it was a few months together then maybe a few weeks or a month apart. In the end I left went nc it took her a month to reach out. I didn't answer, she gave up found someone new then went quiet. Well when things didn't go good she would reach out, still stayed nc to the day I gave in. maybe two years later. Then keep limited contact up to present day 7 months ago.

This time the recycles were crazy, a month together then painted black for at the most two weeks. Me and her father of her son have been having triangulation with her, one black has the other is white. Well last time I left end of September she already had him in place, well I went nc(for myself) after my birthday early October. I was starting to think I wouldn't hear from her, well my t was right. She said she would reach out before the holidays. Well she did twice this week so far, and I can tell I'm white again, a lot has triggered her in the last week. So maybe the holidays will cause a trigger with her don't know but maybe.

[Fr4nz]

Hi Rose,

about the splitting white thing... .it depends.

It happens quite often that BPD sufferers split you white and try to recycle; they may even split you white unknowingly to you (this happened to me), but they may not reach you out due to shame or other obscure reasons.

Even if they reach out, there's a huge likelihood that you'll be split black again -- remember, BPD implies huge instabiliy in relationships, it's a distinctive pattern of this disorder.

All in all, it's better if you focus on yourself; it's a disorder, you can't do anything about it, and the more you get involved, the more you get hurt.

A big hug!

[Curiously1]

Good question. I am not sure myself and think it depends on the individual. It's more like, what can you do and what do you want? For example you could take some action and test the waters. If she reacts badly then it is obvious you are still split black. Apart from that all you can do is wait and see how long it takes them. That's pretty painful though  to wait (but you probably still will if you are not ready to let them go). It's best to stay focused on yourself and your own life either way you feel and if you haven't heard from them in months/years.

For my exBPDgf I was split white immediately because she preffered me to her replacmeent. So she "regret" leaving. After the recycle, only after 2 weeks she saw me as the bad guy again. Apparently I sabotaged the relationship by just being me and that I will never change. (She had difficulties feeling in control and had to blame her negative emotions on me).

Hi Rose,

about the splitting white thing... .it depends.

It happens quite often that BPD sufferers split you white and try to recycle; they may even split you white unknowingly to you (this happened to me), but they may not reach you out due to shame or other obscure reasons.

Even if they reach out, there's a huge likelihood that you'll be split black again -- remember, BPD implies huge instabiliy in relationships, it's a distinctive pattern of this disorder.

All in all, it's better if you focus on yourself; it's a disorder, you can't do anything about it, and the more you get involved, the more you get hurt.

A big hug!

It's true. You will always be split black or be constantly pushed and pulled but the length differs depending on the individual and circumstance.
I must say though in my case, I don't believe I am split completely black. Sometime they don't split you. Sometimes they split themselves? Sometimes they think they are undeserving of you or that they cannot handle their emotions when they around you, even if they care so much and it just hurts them to be too close to you and cannot deal with it. Like mine described in her social media that she feels numb but a lot saner when she is not with me. She feels more in control and so she must avoid me to feel that way. If only I had been easier to control and did everything she said and wanted and no compromises were brought up perhaps she would have felt safer. But for how long?
I have heard some stories where sociopathic exes had done crimminal and so horrible/abusive things to them or others in their lives and they still split those exes white again. Where's the reason in that?

[C.Stein]

I am hoping with Christmas around the corner she will break her no contact and at least start talking with me again.

Why are you hoping for this?  What happens when she doesn't contact you?

The thing you have to remember here is that she will paint you whatever color she needs to paint you in the moment.  If she paints you white again ... .it will only be followed by her painting you black again when she needs to.   

[Pretty Woman]

I am still split black and it's been close to two years.

Granted she is with the replacement. However I know for a fact, the ex she left me for she went back and forth with her painting of her. She was "black" when we were good and "white" when she was looking to leave me.

As other posters have mentioned you usually get painted white when they need you or want to attempt to recycle you. Remember, it's all about need. If her current needs are being met you won't hear from her. It's how this illness works.

 
PW

[insideoutside]

12 weeks almost to the day, so that 3 month rule whereby they seem to recycle in that timeframe seems spot on.  The time before that was 16 weeks/4 months.

[zeus123]

She could paint you white today at any time and five minutes later she could paint you black again. Are you waiting for her to use her Brush and color you? Can you tell us what is it exactly you want from an impaired mind like your ex?

[jhkbuzz]

I contacted my ex about a year after b/u with some logistics about a shared pet. Although I didn't put it into words at the time, I realized from the friendliness of her text messages that I was "split white" again.

It made no difference to me. I was off the crazy train and had no interest in getting back on.

[JRT]

its been over 2 years from me... .I am as black as black can be... .I have not heard from her and expect to never hear from her again

[rosesarered777]

She could paint you white today at any time and five minutes later she could paint you black again. Are you waiting for her to use her Brush and color you? Can you tell us what is it exactly you want from an impaired mind like your ex?

Since a few people asked why I would want her back, I have searched and searched for someone who I like as much as my wife/gf over those 7 years and never found anyone who I immediately enjoyed their company. Even if I am only split white briefly, she has moments where she realizes that I was the best guy she has ever dated. I can only hope she realizes this before she goes through with a divorce...

[DazedandConfus3d]

She could paint you white today at any time and five minutes later she could paint you black again. Are you waiting for her to use her Brush and color you? Can you tell us what is it exactly you want from an impaired mind like your ex?

Since a few people asked why I would want her back, I have searched and searched for someone who I like as much as my wife/gf over those 7 years and never found anyone who I immediately enjoyed their company. Even if I am only split white briefly, she has moments where she realizes that I was the best guy she has ever dated. I can only hope she realizes this before she goes through with a divorce...

Roses, you know this person and your own heart best- I can certainly understand how you feel about this person.

That being said, you say 'you hope she realizes... .' - that's putting all the power and agency in the hands of someone that by definition cannot sustain that realization you are hoping for.

If you manage to get to a good point, what is your plan to sustain that? What's going to make it different this time?  If you leave that in her hands, it WILL NOT be different. 

Make your own choices, make a plan, set boundaries, ask - what do I need to happen and then ask for it.  And, most importantly, be willing to walk away.  Because when they know we won't walk away, it goes straight to the 'hater' phase.

Read this really helpful resource from this site- it really helped me make sense of stuff that had driven me nuts trying to understand.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

I wish you way more than luck.

[lovenature]

Since a few people asked why I would want her back, I have searched and searched for someone who I like as much as my wife/gf over those 7 years and never found anyone who I immediately enjoyed their company. Even if I am only split white briefly, she has moments where she realizes that I was the best guy she has ever dated. I can only hope she realizes this before she goes through with a divorce...

I would recommend that you really think about why you are posting on the detaching board; how good was it overall?

When you are ready you would most certainly benefit from shifting the focus from her to you and why you want to be with someone who you are looking for to "split" you white again.

[rosesarered777]

I actually accidentally posted it in this board. Once I realized that I put it in here, I figured that it kind of makes sense to keep it here because it seems like -- going by the fact its been almost 4 months now -- I may have no choice but to move back home and detach from the 7 years we were roughly together.
It's really sad to think that she will go ahead with this divorce without realizing how much it will ruin her future (she is mired in debt already and her parents cannot save her from it all).

Yes, that is her problem but as a decent human being, I do care about whether she ends up in the hospital or takes her own life due to the stress.

[lovenature]

It's really sad to think that she will go ahead with this divorce without realizing how much it will ruin her future (she is mired in debt already and her parents cannot save her from it all).

The saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more you are pushed away.
A PWBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, and part of the disorder is impulsive behaviour without a concern for how it will effect either partner in the future.

I understand your feelings, but you have to accept that she will make her choices, and the more you try and help/control her, the worse it will surely get for both of you.